Some people are spoiled, some are deluded.

Some are wrapped in a bubble of inescapable idiocy and some are so far gone and delusional that not even smacking them around the face with a sharp dose of reality will do them any good.

Which of those categories the formerly likeable actor Owen Wilson falls into for his lack of ability to understand how the recession has hit ‘the little people’ remains to be seen.

Now, given recent events and his going through hard times that somewhat reflect a real struggle, one would think that the Hollywood leading man would be able to conjure realistic empathy and put himself in the shoes of people who had really suffered and felt real loss.

Well screw you for having so much faith in him, cos he is incapable of feeling one tenth of the pain you have felt since you lost your job/ your home/ your kitten (bailiffs take those too when you don’t pay the bills, right?)

The crest of the recession wave has hit Hollywood according to Owen and it has effected him and his brethren in horrid and unspeakable ways. The recession has led to… having to wear the same movie wardrobe more than once!

Yep, anyone who actually may have felt the fall out of the financial implosion be damned. According to the on-again off-again flame of Kate Hudson, the most shocking and startling part of the Hollywood recession is that this one time he actually had to wear some boots for a scene and he’d worn the same ones near a decade earlier for a different movie. *The author gasps as she blogs from the inside of a discarded crisp packet*

From Showbiz Spy:

Owen Wilson says the recession has well and truly hit Hollywood — because he had to reuse a pair of cowboy boots for his new movie. The 40-year-old star says the shoes he was given in his costume for Night at the Museum 2 were the same pair he used in Shanghai Noon nine years ago. “I was allowed to take the boots that I wore in the movie home,” says Owen. “They’re actually the same boots that I wore in Shanghai Noon, so it was kind of funny.”

Given that I have no home at present as the big mean bailiffs took it off me and I am writing this from the inside of a (very large) crisp packet that I found in the street, you will have to forgive me for sounding bitter and cynical at the lack of feeling over the quote above.

Would the world not be a much nicer and sunnier place if the only downside of the current economy were that you had to downsize to a house with one less pool. Or better yet, if you had to cut staffing levels so that you only had one personal assistant and not two?

You are a caring and generous bunch over here. I thought that since you all have money to burn, and as much sympathy as I, you could stand by my side and join me as I begin the “Poor Bastard: What A Bloody Hard Life You’ve Got ” Fund.

I am going to begin the fund with an initial donation of “Screw you… have these damn boots instead if you’re so hard up”.

Feel free to add “Are you freakin’ kidding me!?” and we can stop collecting and hand over the proceeds, once we reach the grand amount of “There, there, who’s a sad little millionaire then”.

This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse, who really does live in a crisp packet, you know.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

But now Tom Hanks and Mel Gibson have emerged as figureheads on opposing sides of a dispute over whether actors should go on strike because there aren’t enough fame-blinded young nymphomaniacs who’ll indulge their every fleeting sexual whim or whatever.

Mel Gibson is for the strike, Tom Hanks is against it. Sadly Mel Gibson will win, because the dispute will be settled by charging at each other across a field. Poor Tom Hanks – if only it involved growing a crap mullet and ranting about Jesus.

Our favourite part of this year, hands down, was the writers’ strike. It was brilliant – fed up with not being paid enough royalties for material shown on the internet, film and television writers all put their tools down and deliberately crippled the industry.

Except what actually happened in the writers’ strike was this a) the Golden Globes got cancelled, b) Lost got to make a shorter-than-usual season that wasn’t full of guffy episodes about nothing and c) 24 was forced to take a year off, allowing its producers to think of a way to make it less embarrassingly rubbish. In short, only brilliant things came from the writers’ strike.

And that’s why the actors have decided to have a go too – the Screen Actors Guild has long been brewing over whether or not to go on strike for similar reasons to the actors and, despite George Clooney’s efforts, ballots will be sent out to members first thing next year.

Imagine what’ll happen if the actors do go on strike – not only will your favourite shows get screwed for another season, but actors will have to spend most of their time sitting around not doing any real work. We genuinely can’t imagine what that’d be like.

But some actors don’t want to go on strike. They’re claiming, quite sensibly, that another strike-crippled winter wouldn’t be fair on all the piecemeal crew members forced out of work and that, with a global recession looming ever closer, the last thing that the public wants to see is a load of manicured moviestars stamping their feet because they only got $18 million for pretending to be a hard-bitten policeman who doesn’t follow the rules instead of $19 million.

And that’s why these actors have taken a stand and, um, written a strongly-worded letter. The New York Times reports:

“We support our union and we support the issues we’re fighting for, but we do not believe in all good conscience that now is the time to be putting people out of work.” Beneath that was what might have been the cast list for a tentpole blockbuster: George Clooney, Glenn Close, Cameron Diaz, Charlize Theron, Matt Damon, Morgan Freeman and Tom Hanks.

That’s quite a list of names – who’d be stupid enough to argue with nice guys like George Clooney and Tom Hanks, powerful girls like Glenn Close and Charlize Theron, the actual voice of God in Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon, a man who once made a comedy about some cojoined twins?

Actually, Mel Gibson would. And so would Sandra Oh. And Holly Hunter. And Jerry O’Connell. And this disagreement has driven a wedge through the middle of Hollywood, a community which usually prefers to publicly rub its own tummy until it gets a hardon.

What happens next remains to be seen, but there is one obvious solution staring everyone in the face here – let Mel Gibson and Sandra Oh and Holly Hunter and Jerry O’Connell go on strike and everyone else doesn’t have to.

That way the striking actors get to make the point they so firmly believe in, and we get to go a few months without having to watch Grey’s Anatomy, Saving Grace, any new Mel Gibson films at all or Kangaroo Jack 2: Jack Bounces Back. Everyone’s happy.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

It’s quite difficult to decide what made up word successfully describes the noise after ‘Flash!’ is cried on the Queen song, but hecklerspray has gone with ‘pakow!’ and forever it will remain that way.

What is less difficult to describe is the news that Flash Gordon, polo playing (or american footballer, depending on how much stock you put in the 80s film) hero of the universe, is to make a return to the big screen. This comes across as particularly strange, following the fact that the recent Flash Gordon TV series was received in the way a crap-covered balloon given to a child with a terminal illness would be received.

Stretched analogies aside, we mean the TV show wasn’t very good. And it still isn’t, actually. But this hasn’t stopped Hollywood in their never-ending quest to rape nostalgia forever, which has frankly become such a stupidly common occurrence that we feel we should give it an official name.

Leave your suggestions below.

After winning the rights to create a movie based on the character, Sony have gone and hired a couple of writers for the remake – Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless. Hopefully they got the gig from their names alone, but that we cannot be sure of . But when you throw in the fact that Breck Eisner is apparently directing, then, well – we have a case to make that claim, surely?

Unfortunately we are a bit neutered in the criticism we can offer Matt and Burk beyond their spectacular names, as we cannot find anything they’ve written before. Eisner, on the other hand, directed the should-be-a-war-crime that was ‘Sahara’. Which – let’s be honest here – means it’s likely going to be a big pile of poopy.

While we can’t be sure at this point, it does look like the story being pushed for will retread the ground that has been walked a dozen times before by Flash and his cohorts – Earth under attack, fly to Mongo, fight Ming, win – and this version can’t possibly have a new soundtrack devised by Queen, so what’s the point?

Will the franchise be a ‘re-boot’, akin to that of Batman? Will we see a newly-hardcore Flash Gordon fighting barefist with Ming, before setting off on some parkour-inspired chase sequence? All interlaced with CGI rife with ‘dirty cuts’?

Hecklerspray would go with: yes. That’s almost definitely what’s going to happen.

Because Hollywood has no ideas, remakes everything, forces out pointless sequels and seemingly does it all in exactly the same style – which just so happens to be whichever style is popular at the time. Philistines. Though, to be fair, a method-acted Ming would be something to savour – conquering worlds just to ‘get into character’ and generally dressing like something of a maniacal twit around town.

In fact, that sounds brilliant – make it faster, Sony.

Pakow!

Just as we say, non-stop, that Hollywood has run out of ideas – reporting on the Goonies sequel, The Smurfs movie (Lindsay Lohan’s role as ‘Big Lesbian Smurf’ still unconfirmed) and the fear we all felt when the Friends movie was rumoured – they come and do it again. This time it’s the turn of Lethal Weapon 5, where they really, really will be too old for this shizzle.

Or they might be too drunk, who knows?

The rumours of a fourth film in the trilogy became a reality in 1998, with the imaginatively titled Lethal Weapon 4 showing most of us Jet Li for the first time – that bit where he dismantles the gun and the bit where he does a ridiculous kick over his head are easily the best ones.

Unlike these days when everything he makes involves him flying through trees with a bamboo cane up his arse for eight hours while the most basic of stories is made out to be the most thought-provoking and intelligent social commentary in a post-modern society to date.

He was good in Lethal Weapon 4 though. One of the few good things about it, actually.

But that’s not going to stop the gravy train now, is it? Oh no – your memories have to be purged for old ideas and your pleasant nostalgia for a series has to be used against you in order to make Lethal Weapon 5 a box office hit. Or at least a box office ‘we made our money back on it’.

The writer of the original Lethal Weapon, Shane Black, has apparently written a script for a new adventure for Riggs and Murtaugh. In one of the most unsurprising plots of all time, the movie will see Riggs, about to quit the force, pull Murtaugh out of retirement to solve one last case. Probably involving Johnny Foreigner somewhere along the way.

There are no definites yet, but Mel Gibson and Danny Glover are apparently in talks to reprise their roles. No word on Chris Rock though, thankfully.

Please don’t let him be in it again – it would be one step too far.

But the questions have to be asked – do you really want to go and watch Danny Glover shout “Riiiiiiiiiggggggggsssssss!” thirty-two times per minute at Mel Gibson? And do you want to see Mel Gibson hate the je… oops… we mean, do you want to see him fix his arm after he’s dislocated it again? Or do you want to see Joe Pesci being even older and even more annoying than ever before?

And does anyone want to see Chris Rock acting, at all, ever?

If the answer is yes to any of those questions, then watch the first two, half watch the third then only pay attention when Jet Li is on the fourth. There you go – satisfaction guaranteed.

No word on any kind of release date, but it can’t be too far in the future. Too old for this shit, and all that.

*Not all of the time. Hush down.

Honestly, look at Shia LaBeouf’s adorable little puppydog face – it’s as if a single drop of alcohol has never passed his lips. But apparently it has – early yesterday morning Shia LaBeouf was arrested on suspicion of DUI after he crashed his car in Hollywood.

Really though? Shia LaBeouf? DUI? There must be another explanation. Perhaps Shia was impaired on something other than alcohol, like Haribo or Um Bongo. And perhaps he only crashed his car because his adorable little legs couldn’t stretch all the way down to the pedals, the wubby little lamby wamb.

Admit it, when you look at Shia LaBeouf you just want to grab him by the cheeks, muss up his hair and give him a shiny sixpence to buy some bon bons with. This is because Shia LaBeouf couldn’t be any more adorable if he was made from kitten whiskers and angel breath.

Or is he? Because lately Shia LaBeouf has found himself getting into more and more trouble. Real trouble too, not the sort of imaginary 1950s schoolboy trouble that we keep assuming Shia gets into, like being clipped round the ear by a bobby for carrying a peashooter or being chased from the farm by Old Man McGee for scrumping apples from his orchard.

Instead Shia LaBeouf has committed the heinous crimes of using homophobic slurs on YouTube and smoking cigarettes and sort of standing around in a pharmacy when he wasn’t supposed to.

With a track record like that it’s only a matter of time before Shia LaBeouf does something really stupid, like get drunk and drive his car around until he cras… what? He’s already done that? On Sunday morning? Oh Shia, you adorably illegal scamp. The Los Angeles Times reports:

Actor Shia LaBeouf was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving early Sunday in Hollywood after he and two other people were hurt in a crash. Los Angeles County sheriff’s deputies said LaBeouf made a left turn and collided with an oncoming car about 2:30 a.m. at the intersection of La Brea and Fountain avenues. The actor’s Ford F-150 pickup truck rolled over in the crash.

Well, it’s certainly fortunate that nobody was seriously hur… what? Shia LaBeouf drives a pickup truck? A pickup truck? What for, to store all the logs that he chops down during a hard day’s acting? To transport all the manual labour equipment he needs to pretend to be Indiana Jones‘ little boy? Shia LaBeouf can’t even grow a beard properly, for crying out loud! What’s he doing bombing round in a titting pickup truck?

Anyway, back to our original point. It’s fortunate that nobody was seriously injured in the crash. If he’s charged with DUI, perhaps this incident will serve as a wake-up call for Shia to reign in his youthful excesses before he causes some serious damage.

But why did Shia LaBeouf drink-drive in the first place? He doesn’t seem as much of an irresponsible douchetard as Lindsay Lohan, and surely he can’t be filled with as much obvious self-loathing as Mel Gibson, can he?

Well maybe he can. That last Indiana Jones movie was pretty rubbish. We’d be drunk all the time if we were Shia LaBeouf, actually. But if only we could be as adorable…

It seems to work for Vince Vaughn, because he’s just been named as Forbes‘ most valuable actor. For every dollar that Vince Vaughn was paid for Dodgeball, The Break-Up and Wedding Crashers, he pulled in $14.71 of gross income for his studios.

That’s impressive stuff, and Vince Vaughn should be incredibly proud of his achievements. Speaking of which, Vince Vaughn should also be incredibly proud next year when Forbes calculates his salary against Fred Claus and that awful-looking Christmas movie he’s making with Reese Witherspoon and names him as its most overpaid one-note, off-script, pointlessly rambling unfunny egobeast.

Goodness, when did Hollywood get so money-fixated? This week we haven’t been able to turn around without seeing Hollywood’s smug face crowing about The Dark Knight being the biggest film ever or how much money Will Smith makes. It upsets us, especially since we think this obsession with money will eventually drive out smaller movies that deal with serious social issues, like all the little Eddie Murphys who live inside the head of a bigger Eddie Murphy.

But when every little aspect of filmmaking is analysed and cost-calculated to within an inch of its life, you’re bound to throw up an anomaly or two. Which brings us along nicely to the fact that Vince Vaughn has just been named as the most valuable star in Hollywood.

It’s a simple enough idea – you take the salary of an actor and the gross of the films they’ve starred in and see how many audience dollars you can get for every one that the actor was paid. Last year Matt Damon was named as the most valuable star, for example. And this year it’s Vince Vaughn.

Why? Because Dodgeball, Wedding Crashers and The Break-Up were all huge hits, despite one of them being suicide-inducingly crap, and they were made when Vince Vaughn couldn’t demand ridiculously large fees just to turn up and tediously ad-lib through every scene ignoring everything in the script. The Associated Press reports:

Vaughn raked in $14.73 of gross income for studios for every dollar he was paid for “The Break-up,” “Wedding Crashers” and “Dodgeball.” “That’s because until recently his salary was relatively low, and the films he was in had modest budgets yet did extremely well at the box office worldwide,” Forbes said.

That’s likely to be the only taste of success that Vince Vaughn will get in this field, because now he’s one of the most highly-paid actors in Hollywood, and he makes dreck like Fred Claus – pretty much a failure on all counts – and the dreadful-sounding Four Christmases, chances are his score is going to bottom out quite spectacularly soon.

Still, if that happens Vince Vaughn shouldn’t worry – math-based formulas like this are no indication of acting talent. Look at the bottom of the list – Nicole Kidman only brings in $1.01 for every dollar she’s paid, and she’s won an Oscar. True, we wouldn’t pay to see any of her movies if you waterboarded us into it, but that’s not the point. Is it?

And just so Hollywood can stop embarrassing itself by getting constant refusals from them, they’re inventing a list of guidelines as to what types of films would be considered good film-on-site Vatican-worthy cinema.

It begs to question exactly what films ol’ V-town would find acceptable to film in their churches. Clearly Angels and Demons is out, but would they have allowed Darth Vader to cut off Luke’s hand in the chapel? Would Big Trouble have been permitted in their Little China? Would our mother and step-dad be able to make love in any of the 16 feature length films we’re currently making about how they first met, for each of which the manuscript is over 1000 pages long?

These are the questions that spring readily to mind.

Two movies that clearly will never get a Vatican screening are Angels and Demons, and the Golden Compass. The first for questionable Catholic sentiment, the latter for overall lack of quality. Also they’ll probably never watch any films with the word Debbie, Dallas or does in the title.

And if you’ve been intending to film on their property, well you’d better forget about it. Unless of course your script has something to do with Saul, Paul or that one Cardinal that lifted an entire mountain to give his people safe-passage from the barbaric heathens.

Reuters sheds some light on this mysterious Vatican list:

“The Vatican said Wednesday that it is working on a set of guidelines for what it considers “good cinema.” Priest Marco Fibbi, a spokesman for the Diocese of Rome, said Wednesday that the church was working on a set of guidelines that will determine whether a film contains the “proper” religious sentiment.”

Now just you keep in mind that this list is a work in progress – who knows what’ll be on it. We just hope the makers of Hellboy 3: Hellboy Lovingly Caresses The Pope Because The Two Love Each Other Endlessly didn’t have any particular scenes absolutely depending on location shoots.

To read more, see “Vatican weighing in on “good cinema” on Yahoo News

It was an age of moralising without snobbery, with heroes you wanted to be and leading men you wished you could just hug and say ‘thank you’ to.

Paul Newman is a man from that age, and to this day he carries on being a shining example to the world of Hollywood as to what makes a man.

Newman doesn’t bother hyping himself up to be our new saviour – he eschews the limelight that could so easily surround his incredible array of charity works and instead focuses on, well, raising the money. Not constantly appearing on TV to tell us all that he’s raising money – the man just goes out there and does it, managing to make some damn fine marinades for your chicken in the process.

Not like those modern day ponces who skip around from chat show to radio discussion, elaborating to anyone who cares (clue: no one) on how they aim to change the world, that China may not have a great human rights record and generally patronising all with the combination of ears and the ability to understand language.

Nor does he take his time being clinically insane, leaping about the place, alienating fans and generally being a grade ‘A’ berk. The man may subscribe to a religion, he may not, but he certainly doesn’t jog around from port to port cramming his beliefs down anyone’s throat.

What a guy.

Paul Newman inhabits the same echelon of existence saved for members of the human race who are just great, above all reproach and come across as thoroughly nice people – like Gregory Peck, for example. The kind of people that even we at hecklerspray towers find it hard to take issue with.

But unlike the Pecker, Newman isn’t dead. And if his latest statement about his health is anything to go on, the 83-year-old won’t be for a while. Speaking to journalists through his spokesperson, the following factoid was revealed:

“Newman says he’s doing nicely.”

Granted, this does nothing to quell the rumours that the retired actor is gravely ill with cancer, but if Paul says he’s doing great, hecklerspray believes him.

If one of the manliest men that has ever existed tells you he’s okay – even if it’s through a third party – then he’s okay. Stop the speculation and just hope the alleged lung cancer isn’t true; we’ve had enough life-threatening cancer for this year, thanks.

To be fair though, cancer clearly wouldn’t stand a chance against Newman. He’d crack a pool cue over that fucker’s back.

But living in the land of banality, we are forced to put up with the endless production line of sequels and remakes being churned out and violently forced down our throats.

But lest we forget, there is another market that involves little in the way of creativity: that of the ‘True Story’.

So what is this next true life tale of heroics, adventure, overcoming the odds and inspiring generations to better themselves that the gibbons in Hollywood Towers have lined up?

Lance Armstrong in ‘How I Beat the Snot Out of a Lot of Cancer and Won the Crap Out of Everything’? Barbara Streisand in ‘How and Why Have I Ever Been Popular?’? No. Of course not.

It’s Nolan Bushnell.

What do you mean ‘who’? He’s the Chuck E. Cheese Guy! But not only did Nolan put pizza parlours across America, ready to fatten up a generation of offspring, he also happened to be the founder of Atari – a company that helped a generation of offspring develop sedentary habits.

Fatty foods plus sitting around and barely moving: it’s a winning formula and one that the ‘Wood is ready to exploit for their new true-to-life story, Atari.

And so with the big question of who it’s about out of the way, we turn to the next query burning the back of throats across the globe.

Namely: who in the name of all that is holy will play Nolan Bushnell, king of the nerds? Who?! WHO?! Why, Sprout-Head himself, of course, Leonardo DiCaprio.

The guy that all the girls are in love with. The guy with all the looks, and some talent to back it up plus a wad of cash. Y’know, just like all the geeks…

The Hollywood Reporter sums it up:

Bushnell was an engineering student, puzzle-lover and game enthusiast (chess, Go, early computer games) who went from fixing broken pinball machines to launching Atari Corp., a video game manufacturer, in the early ’70s. Its first product was a little game called Pong that transfixed kids in suburban rec rooms across the country and led to hundreds of millions of dollars worth of video game sales. Within a few years, he sold the company to Warner Communications for $28 million.

While it certainly isn’t a bad tale of the American Dream, hecklerspray does wonder how this is going to transfer to the big screen. How much ‘artistic interpretation’ will be involved? Will Nolan’s quest to make America (and the world) fat be accurately portrayed? And how many car chases will there be?

Only time, a lack of decent ideas in Hollyweird and DiCaprio exquisite sprout-features will tell.

Don’t even try to deny it. You may try and act like you abhor violence in movies, but deep down the sight of two people kicking the crap out of each other really gets you going.

Well, hecklerspray understands. There’s been many a time when we have pictured ourselves beating Sting to a bloody pulp. See kids, violence is fine as long as it’s in your mind, not on the streets. Anyway, to celebrate the fact that we all love to see someone evil get a good hiding, we have come up with our 10 favourite fight scenes in films.

And if you disagree, we’ll come around your house…

10. From Russia With Love (1963)

James Bond has had many brutal encounters on his way to saving the world, but none quite as thrilling as this punch-up against Robert Shaw’s assassin in a narrow train compartment. Shaw’s crime: asking for red wine with fish. That’ll teach him.

9. The Big Country (1958)
You see, men really were men back in the old days. This manly jaw-breaker between Gregory Peck and Charlton Heston goes on so long the people watching it go to bed. Even the following morning they are still slugging away at each other.

8. Kill Bill Volume 1

To us, this scene in which Uma Thurman kills off an entire army of deadly assassins is when Quentin Tarantino came of age as a director. Without his superb dialogue to help him, he still managed to come up with a superbly co-ordinated and creative fight sequence, which culminates in the spectacular demise of Lucy Liu’s character. Oh, and it’s got lots of limbs being chopped off

7. Bridget Jones’ Diary

We do feel a slight amount of shame for putting this pathetic excuse for a brawl between Bridget Jones’ would-be suitors in a list of the finest fights in movie history. But, let’s face it, we all like to think in a fight situation that we would kick ass like Bruce Lee. However, in reality we probably fight more like fucking Ang Lee

6. King Kong

King Kong kicking the crap out of three T-Rexes is the monster of all fight scenes.

5. Oldboy (2003)

Armed with just a hammer, the main character in this 2003 South Korean film has to somehow find his way past a narrow corridor cluttered with baddies trying to stop him. All in one take. It’s hammer time

4. Empire Strikes Back

It’s possibly the most iconic chapter in the entire series. After an exhausting duel with Darth Vader, Luke gets his hand cut off and is told the truth about his father. Hecklerspray remembers walking out of the cinema still in shock.

3. Happy Gilmore (1998)

After constantly bickering throughout a round of golf. Adam Sandler finally punches Bob Barker in the mouth. It leads to one of the funniest fight scenes in history. “The price is wrong, bitch.”

2. Evil Dead 2

Beaten up by your own hand – what a slap in the face that is. But that’s just what happens to hero Ash after his hand is bitten by one of the, er, evil dead. He thinks he has the final laugh when he cuts off it off with a chainsaw, but that is only the start. Very funny.

1. They Live

We’re pretty sure this is the longest fight sequence in history. It just goes on, and on, and on…

They also fought the good fight:
The Bourne Supremacy
Eastern Promises
Fight Club
Enter The Dragon
Hard Times
Predator

However, there is another solution to the question. You see, Katie Price has two names. We’d like to point out that she’s not schizophrenic and doesn’t pick between Jordan and Kate Price depending on if its warm enough to strap on a bikini.

In the early days (aka – the nineties) when she had the body for it, Jordon would get her boobies out for men’s magazines across the land. But they weren’t just any set of knockers. They were mega melons! As big as your head and the weight of seven small puppies.

Then Jordan grew up. Married a dire popstar and wanted people to call her by her real name to be taken more seriously. This approach has landed her a film role. And no, it’s not porn related!

For a glamour model, we do oddly enough believe that Katie Price is one of the only tit-baring ladies that grace the papers to have made a proper career.

Most married men and all women know that eventually, plump and well-rounded breasts don’t last forever. Eventually, things go south, saggy and really horrible to look at. After having more surgery on her tits then Michael Jackson has had on his wonky face, she is apparently happy with them after cracking out a few stupidly-named children.

But what’s a girl to do when your career path is over? After handing the baton over to apparently sexy females such as Megan Fox, she did what any other self-respecting fame-grabbing person would do: Sell out big style and not stop until the whole world knows about you.

We know everything about her and sodden Peter Andre’s spicy sex love secrets and her endless shock stories about her struggle with motherhood. God bless the trashy world of women’s magazine literature.

Despite having a car crash reality TV show which shows us the wacky goings on of the family, this isn’t enough for Katie Price. Like an out-of-control monster, she wants to gobble up as much as she can and become the biggest media whore known to man.

She’s kind of done that in the UK and has now set her beady eyes to Hollywood: The home of botox, shattered dreams and never ending sense of guilt.

According to a deluded source:

“It’s a very good time to be British in Hollywood and you can’t fail to notice Jordan.”

That’s quote couldn’t be more true. Not only does Jordon resemble the middle colour in a set of traffic lights, but her ample chest may also help. It’s an unwritten rule of the world that the bigger the boob, the better opportunity get.

It’s just a shame the producers haven’t seen her appearance on I’m A Celebrity or tried to get their eyes round some of her books.

Still they want her to take part in the making of Elvira: Mistress of the Dark and play a vampire. Quite an odd roll to star as for your first Hollywood job, but it will suit Katie Price. She is quite good at sucking the life out of any opportunity.

Read More – Katie Price ‘to star in vampire movie’ – Digital Spy

It was only with the 2002 trial of Winona Ryder, however, that shoplifting truly became a worldwide phenomenon.

Why? Because Ryder gave the genre that all-important celebrity endorsement, that's why. And – as we all know – if a celebrity does something, then it instantly becomes ten million billion times more fashionable and impressive. That's the reason for all those George Formby tribute bands coming together the nation over, now that the Arctic Monkeys have pioneered the movement.

For those of you unaware of dear Noni's past exploits, she was caught six years back walking out of a Beverly Hills clothes store with $3,000 worth of unpaid-for clothing. For a moment she actually tried claiming that she was 'researching for a role', before abandoning that approach when she realised it was the worst excuse since John Wayne Gacy said that the 27 guys underneath the crawlspace were just 'having a nap'.

You would think – after being sentenced to three years probation and 480 hours community service – that she had learnt her lesson, wouldn't you? Weeeelll … you'd be wrong.

Winona was reportedly wandering around the Hollywood CVC Pharmacy quite recently when – upon walking out – she set off an alarm that drew the attention of security. A store employee reveals all:

"Winona had a bag of stuff, but she set off the theft alarm when she left the store. When a security guard stopped her, he found make-up she had not paid for."

Winona's excuse? It's not a great one. Hecklerspray was kind of hoping that she'd say something about being so damn turned on by the thought of making sweet love to sarcastic British entertainment journalists that she briefly forgot herself. However, her actual reply is a little less elaborate:

"I don't know how that happened."

Deciding not to kick up a fuss, the staff apparently just took the merchandise back and let Winona be on her merry way. Winona's publicist at first rigorously denied the story, but then mentioned – on hearing that the store had officially confirmed all this – that she'd check the story details with her boss one more time.

It stands to reason that this could all be nonsense. The Hollywood CVC Pharmacy could simply be trying to get a more exciting reputation for itself, after all. Trust us, it's a pretty boring place – hecklerspray itself has visited this very establishment while in the lovely state of California, and didn't see anything apart from massive packs of Skittles and extremely reasonable Budweiser promotional deals.

Oh – and Jessica Alba stuffing a load of Nyquil tablets into her bra, glancing around and giggling while whispering 'sleep makes me feel like a special little lady.' But she's there, like, every night, you know?

Read More:

'Sticky fingers' Winona Ryder in new shoplifting scandal, claims magazine – Daily Mail

Whether it's pointless shot-by-shot rehashes of Psycho or awful renditions of classic British films such as Get Carter and the Italian Job, it seems nothing is immune to Tinseltown's obsession with recycling. When was the last time producers in Hollywood had an original idea?

Well, hecklerspray has decided to help the ailing American movie monolith by coming up with 10 films they should remake. It hasn't been easy. A lot of films on the list we love. But we are a giving site and have decided to stick our heads on the block. So why do it? Well, like we said, most of the films listed are films we love. But maybe it's time we updated them. That could be for a variety of reasons. Some films started as great ideas but just ended up as a pile of shit, while others have dated badly and could be improved upon by the latest special effects techniques. There are also movies that could simply do with a bath and clean clothing.

Oh, there is one proviso. George Lucas cannot get his hands on any of them. Here goes:

10. The Breakfast Club (1985)

Ok, a controversial choice. Everyone loves this movie. But it is a rites of passage film and for it to succeed with later generations it needs a new set of clothes and a new MP3 collection. Oh, and while you are at it, could you make sure the two girls in it are more attractive than Molly Ringwald and Ally Sheedy.

9. Ghostbusters (1984)

We know, another controversial choice, but we watched it the other day and the special effects looked really ropey. Of course, when we watched in our youth we thought they were cutting edge. But then again we also thought the Commodore 64 was state-of-the-art technology and Elite was the greatest game ever made. Times change. It's like when you watch those who old dinosaur films from the 50s and 60s and Raquel Welch is being attacked by lizards magnified several times to look big. Ghostbusters is starting to look like that. Just make sure Bill Murray's in it.

8. Jason and the Argonauts (1963)

This is a great movie. But just think what they could do with it now. We would put Peter Jackson at the helm, but only if he agreed to a limit of 1 hour 45 minutes in which to cram it in.

7. Battle Royale (2000)

We're astonished that there hasn't already been an American remake of this hugely popular Japanese cult classic about kids kicking the crap out of each other on an island. Just think of the carnage.

UPDATE: Apparently there was a remake of this, but we rule that it doesn’t count because it had a different name and Vinnie Jones was in it. Nothing starring Vinnie Jones counts.

6. Weird Science (1985)

We mentioned this in the pub the other day and not one person raised any objection. It's a great film and has not particularly dated. The real fascination is over who would play Kelly LeBrock's part. The crap TV series in the 90s does not count.

5. Outlaw (2007)

This much-derided British film about a bunch of ordinary citizens that decide to take the law into their own hands could have been so good – but it really wasn't. Keep the same premise, but give it a much better script and it's a
sure-fire winner.

4. Risky Business (1983)

We love this film, but we just hate the fact that it has Tom Cruise in it.

3. Waterloo (1970)

This is a fabulous film about the last days of Napoleon's reign, but the battle scenes could do with a bit of spicing up. Just as long as whoever does it sticks to the facts. No, the Americans were not there!

2. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956, 1978)

OK, so it's been remade twice already, but both are superb films. Plus, the political undercurrents in the film make it a must to be updated for each generation.

1. The Star Wars prequels (1999-2005)

We know what you are thinking, not again! But remember how excited you were when George Lucas announced he was going to make them. Admit it. You were like a giddy schoolgirl. You didn't know of the horrors there were to unfold: the crap dialogue, the pointless plotlines… Jar Jar bloody Binks. You couldn't wait to see it. Well, imagine if they actually did make it again, but with George Lucas as only a producer, and somebody else directing it, and another person writing the dialogue. Wouldn't it be nice? They could keep Natalie Portman and the kung-fu kicking Yoda and just start again.

We felt different afterwards – very different. Our skin took on a heroic red hue, and little patches of extra muscle formed all over our body in the exact shape of radiation blisters. We'd entered that room too weak to even wear that simple lead vest, and left the room without touching the ground.

It's because we were vomiting on a stretcher. Apparently people visiting hospitals are 'obligated' to read the door-signs. What are we, students? Needless to say no real powers were transferred to us from that radiated cactus. And like us, the Justice League of America is looking sickly, bald and blistery at the moment.

That was a metaphor.  It was a metaphor about the writers strike. Don't make us work, we're still on bed-rest.

What did Captain America in was a bullet. Captain Marvel was taken by some kind of cancer, and Spider-man will eventually get knocked off by Serpentor. We meant knocked up, but just you watch – we're calling it now.

In The Amazing Spider-Man issue 50,002 Parker realizes he's been trapped in the wrong body, right then there's a GI Joe cross over in which Serpentor woos the crap out of him her. It was probably easy for the snake-lord to do – after all he had the toned body of a dead ninja! Anyway the pairing results in several offspring that have spider-like agility and a solid membership in those southern snake-dancing churches. It's a love story actually.

But that tale is for another day – today we're just talking about how this writers strike is the stick in the spokes of TV & talkies everywhere. The most recent casualty is the Justice League of America movie. You know the one – it's got Superman, Indiana Jones, Batman, the Flash…you name it.

Well the movie has hit a serious road block, and it's a shame because there's nothing people would like more than the visual of Superman and Batman giving hi-fives after a hard-earned victory.

Listen to E! Online now:

"…the film has been sidelined indefinitely after producers agreed the script by Kieran Mulroney and Michele Mulroney needed some tinkering—something that can't be done until the writers' strike is over."

You know, if the movie was reality based the writers couldn't mess it up. What we're saying is stick that Brody guy in his Flash costume and make him scatter a bunch of MS-13 members in a Los Angeles ghetto.

Then open at Sundance. Better hurry.

Read More:

Warner Bros. Stalls Justice League – Animation Magazine

Vague, we know, but it's as concrete as it gets. According to the LAPD, Charlize Theron's home was broken into at some point between last Thursday and Saturday, but nobody seems to know what was taken, if anything. Still, we're sure Charlize Theron will use her natural resourcefulness to turn this possible almost-burglary into something positive. Maybe Charlize will dramatise her supposed vaguely-timed not-quite burglary and turn it into a movie. She might even win an Oscar for it, too, so long as she promises to not wear any make-up and scowl a bit in the trailer.

These days, no celebrity in Hollywood is safe. Their house could burn down like Flea's or get swamped with mud like Eddie Van Halen's. They could be photographed on the beach with a big arse like Jennifer Love-Hewitt or – worse – they could find themselves starring alongside Ice Cube in a family comedy about basic household maintenance.

Or they could be burgled like Charlize Theron. if she did get burgled. Which we're not sure of. Or when it happened, if indeed it happened at all.

The LAPD have revealed, in just about the most confusing terms possible, that Charlize Theron might have been burgled at some point last week when she wasn't there, and nobody knows if anything was taken or anything. Neighbours have said they didn't see anything suspicious and Charlize Theron hasn't revealed any further details through her slaves. Or, in the words of an LAPD media relations officer:

"We have been able to confirm we are in fact handling an investigation that happened at her home. The home was secured on the 6th, and it was discovered it was broken into on the 8th. There were no suspects seen by any of the neighbors. The property that was taken, if any, is unknown at this time."

This is a mystery and no mistake. Who could have broken into Charlize Theron's house? Embittered James Bond producers acting out revenge for Charlize turning down Casino Royale? Raymond Weil representatives hell-bent on looting the place for the money they lost when Charlize Theron didn't wear a Raymond Weil watch once? A nutter?

One thing's for sure, though, the culprits definitely weren't British bloggers who decided to ape the Nicolas Cage incident by strolling around Charlize Theron's home naked save for one item of her own clothing in the hope that Charlize would stumble across the pathetically sexually-bewildered intruders and, in spite of the inherent creepiness of the scene, fall in love with us forever.

Them. Fall in love with them forever. Look, we didn't do it, OK?

Read more:

Charlize Theron Robbed! - E! Online