Remember David Arquette running off with a young cocktail waitress, leaving Courteney Cox all sinewy and single? It was horrible wasn’t it? Mainly because we had to think about David Arquette grunting over a young woman.

And now, we’re going to have to think about Courteney Cox writhing around and sweating as she’s back in the game. Kinda.

She’s admitted that make-out sessions with men make her nervous. Talking to Howard Stern (who else?), she explained she’s been abstinent since separating from Arquette and his weird child face with a beard stuck-on.

Cox said:

“No guy’s asked me out. I’m not saying I’m not ready to have a make-out session, it just makes me nervous. I don’t like to go out in general.”

Then, she talked about sticking her hand down her kecks and having a crygasm.

“I have sexual feelings, there’s ways to deal with that. It’s time for me to get out there. It’s not easy to meet people. They don’t call me.”

“I’ve not had a man since David… [I've] made out with one guy.”

The guy in question is a celebrity and no, we don’t know his name. Let us just assume she tapped-off with one of the cast of Friends. Maybe that staring, beady eyed coffee guy with the German name.

(Shh. It’s totally co-star Josh Hopkins)

Either way, one thing we’ll all have to live with now, is the thought of Cox’s weirdly taut body trembling with self-abasement while she’s gawping at online smut with a hand up her skirt.

No. We won’t pay for your dry-cleaning bills if you just lost your breakfast.

Imagine being Gwyneth Paltrow. Awful isn’t it? All that self-serving hippie-dippy nonsense floating around your head telling you how wonderfully wonderful you are. All the while, Chris Martin gazes at you lovingly like a kindly priest longing after a crumpet.

BLECCH.

Never mind that though because we’re interested in pain! Paltrow’s pain specifically! So join us now in a game of WHO CHEATED ON GWYNETH PALTROW AND CAN YOU BLAME THEM?

During a recent interview (who honestly cares who with), Gwyneth decided to open up about her love life, and dropped a tidbit for everyone to get vaguely excited about.

She said:

“I had a boyfriend who used to cheat on me all the time.”

OOOOH! Cheating! We love cheating! Have you seen Cheaters? Have you seen the one where presenter Joey Greco gets stabbed? It’s brilliant.

Anyway, Gwyn continued:

“I was quite naive. I knew on a cellular level, but I bought his story.”

A cellular level. Got it. She wasn’t finished though. She continued, talking about cheating in general:

“I have friends who I love and admire who have had an affair. When I was younger, I would have said he’s a terrible person or she’s a terrible person. But who made these laws?”

Yeah, whatever. We don’t care about your views on cheating! We want to know who kept having it off with other people behind your back!

Of course, it can’t be Chris Martin because he’s not an ex (he’s a current, unless we’ve missed a gigantic story/opportunity to really mock someone’s pain). And so, we look to people she’s stepped out with.

Hello Ben Affleck, Luke Wilson and Brad Pitt. We’re looking dead-on at you and deciding which one we trust the least. Or indeed, deciding which one of you we assume couldn’t bear to listen to Gwyneth Paltrow’s meek sex-noises and such.

The good looking version of Herman Munster, George Clooney, has used his charm to get a lot of things in his life. If you believe the rumours, his charm has worked best on throwing people off the scent that he might be gay.

We’ve no idea if he’s gay or not and don’t rightly care. That’s because he’s a massive slag either way.

How so? Well, what happened to you when you found out you didn’t get tickets for some stupid event at the London 2012 Olympics? You basically looked into your lap, dejectedly, and thought ‘that’s that then’. Clooney is a star though. He can slag it up in the media asking for a freebie.

See, George Clooney is desperate to attend this year’s London Olympics. So much so that he’s enthusing about the world’s third biggest sports event (after The FIFA World Cup and Summer Slam) coming to the English capital as he loves visiting soooooo much. London’s just wonderful, eh George! Best place on Earth eh?

Lying slag.

Alas, he’s not been able to get any tickets, leaving him begging for some from The Sun:

“I think it’s fantastic that the Olympics are coming to London. I think you should always try to take politics out of sport and the London bid did that.”

“Track and field is something that I really want to come back and see if I can get some tickets. I’m a big fan of London. There are only a handful of great cities in the world and it’s one of them.”

Only an American tourist could ever call London a ‘great city’.

He’s obviously never been on a night bus with a drunk lunatic or had to endure actual London residence, with their inflated sense of worth and B.O. brought on by scurrying around the Tube like rodents.

With his wrinkled, wizened face and ballbag neck, Neil Young is not a young man. In fact, he’s incredibly old. He’s always sung like he’s Methuselah, making Bob Dylan sound like a fresh-faced operatic toddler.

Of course, the older you get, the more you find things bugging you. Automated phone systems, self-service tills and absolutely everything young people do find a way into your bile, erupting out in a volley of complaint.

So what’s up with Neil Young now? Modern music, that’s what. He doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like it in the same way his granddad would’ve hated his peers haircuts and music.

Young, a man who made a living out of making new records sound amazingly out-of-date when he released them (Harvest was the sound of ’20s country and the less we say about his electronic album, the better) surprisingly doesn’t find much joy in the current climate.

Neil said, while shouting at next door’s kids for kicking their ball in his garden:

“I’m finding that I have a little bit of trouble with the quality of the sound of music today. I don’t like it. It just makes me angry. Not the quality of the music, but we’re in the 21st century and we have the worst sound that we’ve ever had. It’s worse than a 78 [rpm record]. Where are our geniuses? What happened?”

That’d be the sound of a 78 record that Young was once so keen to ape.

Either way, he’s continued his whining, claiming that MP3s only feature 5 per cent of the data from an original master file, which he sees as a major problem.

“If you’re an artist and you created something and you knew the master was 100 per cent great, but the consumer got 5 per cent, would you be feeling good? I like to point that out to artists. That’s why people listen to music differently today. It’s all about the bottom and the beat driving everything, and that’s because in the resolution of the music, there’s nothing else you can really hear. The warmth and the depth at the high end is gone.”

“It’s like Occupy Music – the 5 per cent, that’s who we are now. We used to be the hundred per cent!”

Actually. That was quite a funny sign-off, which is irritating.

Thanks to half of America turning its internet black yesterday, it was an excellent time to bury bad news. Likewise, it was an awful time because celebrities were saying stupid things and we missed them. Such as? How about Mark Wahlberg saying that he could’ve single-handedly stopped 9/11 from happening?

Today, Marky Mark has apologised about saying something stupid about America’s sacred cow, which they intend to guilt-trip everyone about until they finally blow the Earth to pieces.

So what did he say?

Wahlberg asserted that he would have stopped terrorists from flying a perfectly nice plane into New York’s World Trade Center on Sept. 11 if he had been on it.

In an interview with Men’s Fitness, he said:

“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

Get that? If you were on that plane and are now reading this as a ghost, then you suck. Mark Wahlberg doesn’t suck. He would’ve roundhouse kicked the terrorists until their heads came clean off. He wouldn’t just sit their, munching peanuts and drinking gin from a small tin can.

We assume that’s what he meant, right? It certainly looks like he’s saying that those who perished on that infamous flight didn’t do enough to stop it from happening.

Wait. He’s apologised hasn’t he?

Wahlberg is now saying that his speculation was:

“ridiculous to begin with.” And that to suggest he “would have done anything differently than the passengers on that plane was irresponsible.”

Thank you Mark Wahlberg. Celebrities have been a bit too guarded recently, so we’re grateful that you let your mouth run-off without kicking your brain in.

Can you pass judgement on the American soldiers who took a leak on insurgent corpses now? That’d be sweet. Oh, and good luck with your burger bar. Maybe you could make a double-stack burger in tribute to the World Trade Centre by way of apology?

Apart from the myriad of famous people, the insane volumes of high quality Class A drugs, the alcoholism, casting couches, gangster dollars, movie productions and deviant sexual tastes, Hollywood is a bit of a snoozefest isn’t it?

NOT NOW!

See, there’s a massive investigation under way in LA after two dogs found a human head in a plastic bag next to the Hollywood sign! And of course, because only celebrities live in Hollywood, everyone who has ever been in a film is now very much a suspect!

The Police (no, not Sting’s group) said two dog walkers with about nine dogs (only in Hollywood, arf!) came across the bag on a trail near the Hollywood sign in the Hollywood Hills yesterday.

Sergeant Mitzi Fierro told KCAL-TV that two dogs began playing with the bag. Then, brilliantly, an object fell out and the dog walkers realised it was a severed head!

Dogs eh? Always messing around with decapitated heads!

Sgt Fierro, who really does have a wonderful, wonderful name, said the bag was visible from the trail and it did not appear to have been in the area for very long. Of course, coroners will attempt to identify the victim through dental records and detectives are expected to search the area today.

Meanwhile, someone else will be hastily battering out a script based on the Head In A Bag and firing out to everyone in Hollywood in the hope that it will become a quality daytime straight-to-TV movie where everyone in the entertainment industry is a suspect!

Of course, anyone who doesn’t put an option on it is obviously guilty as hell! This is a sure-fire winner! Happy pitching writers!

Hey! Do you fancy Angelina Jolie? Apart from the way she looks and pouts, you probably think she’s pretty edgy and different to all the other celebrities. She isn’t. She’s got pregnant, just like the rest of the bores.

That’s right! She’s got a thing growing inside her! Seen her supping cans of super strength beer recently? That’s because she’s preggo.

And it has been coming a while now. Brad Pitt and Jolie have been dropping hints about wanting to add to their tedious brood, and everyone thought they were oh-so-clever for joking that they’d probably steal an orphan from Africa. Alas, not. They’ve been having sex without a condom on and now she’s going to grow her own.

A source close to Jolie, no longer a weirdo, has revealed that Angelina is expecting her seventh child and telling friends she can’t wait to play mom again.

The source says:

“She’s almost three months along. It’s not something she wants to officially announce but she’s at a point where she is telling a select group of people.”

Regrettably, one of the select few has gone and blabbed to a motormouth and they’ve told us, who can’t keep a secret to save our lives (apart from those secrets we have which have injunctions on them, which is really, really irritating).

Adds an insider:

“Angelina is really savoring every moment. she’s having a tough time with morning sickness but says it’s all worth it.”

Apparently, Ange has said this as well, though christ knows when and where:

“I love being pregnant. You feel like more like a woman than you’ve ever felt. You just feel like everything about your body is there for your baby.”

There you have it folks! Want to feel like a woman? Don’t listen to Shania Twain’s ‘Man! I Feel Like A Woman’, but rather, adopt a parasite.

Imagine a long, slender sliver of beef jerky. Now, imagine it is covered entirely in human scarring. Imagine it twitching and yelping. Imagine the greasy residue it leaves on the counter as it moves from side-to-side. You’re imagining Steven Tyler having sex!

Well done you! And look! There’s some erupting acid-reflux!

See, Steven Tyler (the second best Mick Jagger impersonator after Jagger himself) wants to talk about sex. Y’know sex right? That awkward, awful hobby that requires you to take your clothes off and grunt like an asthmatic sow, hunched over like a defecating dog? Well Tyler likes to talk about sex because, in his world of geriatric cosiness, mentioning sex is still pretty shocking. Bless his little rubbery face.

See, Steven Tyler has got engaged to longtime girlfriend Erin Brady recently and, of course, this matters a great deal to him now because he’s no longer taking drugs or drinking oceans of booze.

In short, he’s become a bit of a wimp.

And stopping by The Ellen DeGeneres Show (there’s a woman bored out of her mind with her job) the American Idol judge told the host that Erin is the lady for him. Groupies have stopped knocking on the backstage door, eh Stevie?

Why is she the one? Scarves.

“The first time I saw her…she worked for Clear Channel so she was paying the band. And I didn’t notice her and one night she had on this hair band on around her head. She looked really old fashioned… so I took her back in the room and she tied me up with it and I thought I’m marrying this girl.”

So scarves turn Steven Tyler on?

“Yes, it’s the imagery and how deep one can get into it… [and what the scarf could mean in a fantasy sex situation] I play it out.”

Just imagine Steven Tyler, all tied-up with his lad out, waiting for you to ride him. It’d be like mounting a see-saw made from raw sausage meat.

Still, at least he’s not drunk and stands a better chance of avoiding brewer’s droop. Asked what it takes for him to be sober, he admitted:

“You never know what it takes. I have program. I got all my friends that are sober now. What it is… it’s euphoric recall. You hear music and you can get so high and the curtain comes down. It’s no different then doing a bump.”

“It’s the same thing and that’s why it is so dangerous for me. I can’t get back into that world. I can stay high on stage and stay high.. I mean out here with you right now my hearts pounding. Hearing you guys [the audience] roar. This what I live for today. But you never know if it’s going to stick. I just keep with my program, wish and hope.”

Regrettably, this means  that he’s not going to stop making his awful, awful stadium rock any time soon because frankly, that’s all he’s got.

Damn.

Only the mysterious hecklerspray phantom bothered reporting on the 69th annual Golden Globe ceremony that took place on Sunday evening. Of course, we were ready to take multiple notes on the ceremony and present you with a factual article about the winners, losers and which actress had slopped gravy down their dress.

However, broadcaster E! decided that viewers in the UK weren’t allowed to watch the actual ceremony. Instead of seeing Ricky Gervais offend Hollywood’s elite, viewers were instead treated to endless repeat of an advert featuring Kim Kardashian getting out a helicopter. If they couldn’t be bothered, then neither could we.

So, we still don’t know what happened at the Golden Globes. Nobody injured themselves from what we gather (shame), but following the ceremony, it looks like a bitchfest has kicked off between Mrs. Elton John and Mr. Madonna. A case of sour grapes after losing out in an awards category? Or a bout of jealousy because Madonna bagged herself the sparkly orphan that they both wanted?

Both Elton John and Madonna were nominated in the “Best Original Song” category at the Golden Globes. Other people probably were also there, but let’s be honest, none of them really had a chance did they?

Elton was hoping that his song Hello Hello would win, though it appeared in the appallingly titled film ‘Gnomeo and Juliet’ and therefore didn’t deserve any shred of credibility. Madonna won the award with her single Masterpiece, a song that appeared in her own film ‘W.E.’ We only assume this is a big screen Hollywood tale of the Nintendo Wii console.

Did Elton John take defeat graciously? Not particularly, instead of doing the mild mannered clapping thing, he decided to sit motionlessly and look like a man with a face resembling a rejected prune who also happens to be wearing a subbuteo football as an earring.

Look at his miserable face in Madonna’s speech around the 1.07 mark:

So how did his man wife David Furnish react? In a calm, controlled and sensible matter? Don’t be stupid, Furnish is only human and he did what we’d all do in a time of sadness and anger; took to Facebook. No doubt he’ll blame the free bar at one of the Golden Globes after parties, but at the time he posted the following status:

“Madonna. Best song???? Fuck off!!!”

Don’t ever go messing with David Furnish, the boy knows how to spout his anger. Check out all of that punctuation. He must mean business. We can only imagine that his fingernails have been sharpened as he prepares to get all up in Madonna’s business and trade insults until he’s ran out of diva quips. Furnish continued his temper tantrum by commenting:

“Madonna winning Best Original Song truly shows how these awards have nothing to do with merit. Her acceptance speech was embarrassing in its narcissism.”

Surely Elton John and David Furnish didn’t think they’d walk this category did they? Oh wait, it looks like someone got a little cocky before the event even started with Elton saying:

“Madonna had “no fucking chance” of beating him in the category.”

Setting a lovely, lovely example to their new child aren’t they?

Remember Heather Locklear? Everyone used to fancy her in the olden days didn’t they? She was the muse for many a 90s teen masturbation and, boy howdy, she was the archetypal neutron blonde.

Alas, image is always temporary and as her vanity stood firm in the face of sliding features, she looked like she was losing her mind.

And to back that up, she was taken to the hospital yesterday after a 911 call was placed from her home. Is it drugs? It’s usually drugs isn’t it?

Of course, doctors being doctors, nurses being nurses, the  nature of the emergency wasn’t immediately revealed… HOWEVER… thankfully we’ve got TMZ around to forage the bins and chase the ambulances for us, and it appears that they’re under the impression that Locklear may have mixed alcohol and prescription medication.

Excellent work.

Ventura County Sheriff’s Capt. Mike Aranda told People magazine:

“Emergency response personnel responded to a medical emergency call at Ms. Locklear’s residence. Once they arrived, it was determined that Ms. Locklear needed to be transported to the hospital for further medical attention.”

Yes, that’s all well and good. The only thing we really want to know is: Will she die?

See, the deathly nature of such a story is absolutely key. We need to know whether to laugh about it all, or indeed, make a martyr of her. That’s what we do. We a guided solely by understanding the gravity of a situation. We need to know whether Heather Locklear is dead! OKAY?

That said, we are allowed some flippancy on this one. Why? Well, despite being rushed to hospital with sirens honking, Locklear’s daughter, Ava Sambora, found time to tweet the touching message of:

“Well this sucks.”

Locklear has been in-and-out of hospital and has been arrested for drink-driving, so this could be ‘a cry for help’ or something because she seems to be coming apart at the seams.

Which is obviously great for vultures like us.

Mumm-Ra of pop, Madonna, with her face like an elephant’s knee… with her forehead like Bob Hope’s elbow scrag… with a neck like a deflated basketball’s scrotum, has been asked about the secret of her youthful face.

Yes, feel free to wipe the contents of your mouth off your computer monitor.

So what keeps Madge’s face looking the way it does? Is she gorging on young men, draining all their blood through some vicious, veiny proboscis that fires out of her lower mandible? Or maybe she bathes in teenage semen?

Now the 853-year-old singer, actress, film director and living-fossil has FINALLY revealed the secret behind her (apparently) ever-youthful allure… or at least that’s what sycophantic bozos keep saying to her.

Speaking at the London premiere of her latest movie, Wallis Simpson biopic W.E., Madonna said:

“What’s my secret? Love.”

“I don’t know. I don’t have a secret. The most important thing is being happy.”

Effectively then, if you want to look like Mick Jagger’s current buttock situation, be happy and in love with a 24-year-old dancer called Brahim Zaibat. Make sure you find time to have it off with someone called Jesus and have a Guy Ritchie to punch when needed.

That is, if you want to have a body that looks like a bag of scar tissue.

If this is the case, then us bitter miserablists will look as youthful as can be long into our twilight years, lonely but astonishingly beautiful.

Alas, you could live for a thousand years and, somehow, Madonna will still outlive you. Essentially, despite looking like a withered pug puppy, she’ll outlive ever other human on Earth and end up creating a super race with our future simian leaders.

And they’ll all end up buying the Immaculate Collection as well. CURSES!

Eighties child-star Corey Feldman has revealed his plans to release a tell-all book naming and shaming two Hollywood pervs.

The-famous-Corey-that-isn’t-dead made similar allegations last August that he was targeted by predatory men from age 14. However, rather than take these claims to the police, he seems to have walked passed the station, right to a publisher.

This is Hollywood after all.

He seh:

“Even today people say about me, ‘Eighties heartthrob; hasn’t done anything since.’ The truth is I haven’t stopped. Last year I did four films.

“Corey and I were pegged as the scapegoats…

“People need to know the reason Corey and I were swept under the carpet like the beaten dogs that were sent to the pound so no one had to deal with us anymore.”

Now, there’s no telling what Alive Corey is talking about specifically. Predatory perverts, in Hollywood?! Next you’ll be telling us that those weren’t yoghurt stains on that big comfy sofa in our agent’s soundproofed, airless office.

Disclaimer: allegations of abuse of any kind are a serious matter. However, there are better ways to shop perps (yes, we said perps) than in a tell-all book. There are entire institutions and agencies dedicated to this sort of thing.

And to hang your dead-in-the-water career on it, well, hate to tell you this Corey, but your rollercoaster ride with heroin and weight-gain may have contributed to that a little.

Considering Feldman was one of Michael Jackson’s biggest champions (despite admitting the singer once showed him a book containing photos of diseased genitals), we’re all quite interested to see who he is going to name and shame.

Bonus point: The video back from August 2011

Taylor Swift (the Hayseed Barbie) has apparently been offered the role of Eponine in Tom Hooper’s new ‘Les Miserables’ film, which is clearly terrible news for those chumps amongst you who like overwrought musicals.

What’ll irritate the purists even more is that Swift has seemingly beaten off (no, not like that) actual actors including Lea Michele, Scarlett Johansson and Evan Rachel Wood.

Teenyboppers will be thrilling one off all over their Hello Kitty pen-tops while adults will be puking in their hands at the disgust of it all.

Talking to MTV, Molly Washok, 17 said:

“I seriously love ‘Les Miz.’ It’s a great Broadway musical. And I’ve seen Taylor Swift in shows and I love her so much. I’m a big fan of both, so it makes me excited.”

But can she act? She’ll be joined in Les Miserables by some big-hitting A-Listers like Hugh Jackman, Helena Bonham Carter, Russell Crowe and Anne Hathaway, and potentially, Amanda Seyfried.

So what landed Taylor the gig? Is it her likeness to Eponine?

Well, in Victor Hugo’s novel, Eponine grows up a spoiled brat who ends up in appalling poverty due to the bankruptcy of her parents’ inn. Eponine is described as a “pale, puny, meagre creature.” So far so good.

However, she’s also noted as having a hoarse voice like “a drunken galley slave’s” due to it being “roughened by brandy and by liquors.” Taylor Swift is about as sordid as Aled Jones. Eponine also has missing teeth and mangled hair, not to mention bony shoulders, heavy brooding drooping eyes, and a premature-aging face ‘with only a trace of beauty lingering’.

You can see why she got the part now, can’t you?

Hey perverts! Get ready to say “Oooh. I wouldn’t say that to him. I’d…” and then trail off into your own dirty thoughts. Okay? Let’s go shall we! Ryan Gosling is fed up with people confusing him for fellow actor Ryan Reynolds.

Do you know the difference?

Seems a lot of people don’t. Once you’ve met someone called Ryan, you’ve met ‘em all haven’t you? And besides, no Ryan ever amounted to much did they? It’s a stupid, boring name. Anyway, what does Gosling think about being confused for Mr R. Reynolds of Hollywood, Dumbsville?

The ‘Drive’ douche said that, whilst it is flattering to be compared to Reynolds, it does tend to leave people feeling disappointed to see him sporting a rather different physique.

He says:

“I have people come up to me wanting to get a picture.”

“I line up with them and they’re like, ‘Oh! I thought you’d be a lot more muscular’. It’s about then that I realise their mistake and have to point out that I’m not Ryan Reynolds.”

Oooooh, you wouldn’t say that to him would you? You think he’s dead fit don’t you? You’d wrestle him to the ground and ride him like a stolen bike wouldn’t you?

You wouldn’t mistake him for Ryan Reynolds would you? You’d do wicked things to Ryan Reynolds as well. Just imagine the pair of them. The pair of them tag-teaming you. Just think. You wouldn’t mistake them. You’d look at them both, say the correct name to the correct actor and then dribble before…

…this has to stop.

We’ve seen Scarlett Johansson’s boobs and bum after some clever-dick managed to breach her internet security and show the world her wares, or rather, the way she gives the people she’s boning and lob-on.

And for the most part, jealous woman spat ‘Well, they weren’t THAT good’.

But there’s more to Scarlett than all that. She’s brave. She refused to wear make-up in We Bought a Zoo, whatever the fresh shit that is! However, when she’s at home, she ain’t no slob. You won’t find her eating Variety Packs straight from the box in her stained tracksuit pants watching Cheaters. No way.

Talking to some idiots who asked some dumb question, she said:

“I always like to put a little bit of makeup on.”

“I’m not the kind of person that just slops around in sweatpants. I like to feel a little more together—you never know who you’re going to see out there!”

Sean Penn maybe? You gotta look half-decent if you’re going to hump his back like a randy poodle on a cushion, right?

“My absolute must-have is a really rich and vibrant red lipstick.”

“I always keep red lipstick in my bag because I never know when I might show up to an event and be completely underdressed. I feel like red lipstick is the cure-all for everything.”

Apart from the faux-outrage at leaked nude photographs, natch. Not only does she like red lippy, but she likes smearing honey all over her face like she’s some kind of mad bear.

Heard of a honey facial?

“I use Manuka honey. You just warm your face so that your pores are open (you can steam your face right after getting out of the shower), and then you just take a spoon and apply the honey directly to your face and leave it for 10 to 15 minutes.”

“It really adds an amazing glow and your skin is so soft afterwards. It pulls out the impurities.”

Please, dear hecklerspray reader, if you’re stupid enough to try and spread honey all over your face, please send us a photograph of yourself during the procedure.

Hopefully someone with throw a pillow’s worth of feathers at you too.