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The world used to love Daniel Radcliffe. For he was Harry Potter. From when he was just a sperm to when he sprouted his first pube Radcliffe made a spectacular living from swanning about shouting dodgy Latin while pointing a twig at things. And we gobbled it up like the suckers we are.
But no more!
The world has got together and decided to take a giant steaming dump of rejection on Radcliffe’s snowy white shag-pile carpet of self worth. WE DON’T LOVE YOU ANY MORE MR WIZARD!
Harry Potter star, Harry Potter (or, Daniel Radcliffe as his mum refers to him when she’s shouting abuse up the stairs) is a wimp of the highest order. Why? Because wickle Dan Dan can’t handle his ale.
And he’s proud to admit it.
Apparently, Radcliffe had a drink problem. The problem was that, every single stinkin’ time he drank some lovely booze, he’d ‘black out’. Get that! He didn’t pass out a few times. He blacked out so frequently it became ‘his thing’. What a wimp. He probably passes out after eating those horrible chocolates with liqueurs inside them.
We all love the Harry Potter don’t we? The books are the perfect way to get kids reading and introduces more morbid elements of death and orphans in a child-friendly manner. The films are great hangover fodder, and are one of the biggest British export since Katie Price’s vagina.
All the children on them look so happy to be acting with them don’t they? Look at those cherub faces. Not knowing what real life will hold for them after the films finish. We heard that the girl who played Pansy Parkinson is teetering on a total K-hole after taking a great big E through her eyes. They’ll be friends for life once they all have a whip round and throw an intervention for her.
We’re romantics at heart aren’t we?
Puny Disney milktoast, Nick Jonas, is so lacking in edge that he’s akin to some amorphous blob with eyebrows. However, it is vitally important that young women fancy him, or else he loses all sense of value to his team.
So what can he do? How can he aimlessly wander into the fantasies of pre-pubescent women again? There must be something!
Hey! What’s this? Here’s a news story about Nick Jonas feeling that he’s “open” to the idea of going naked on stage. How useful!
Ever looked at Daniel Radcliffe’s face and thought to yourself: ‘That looks exactly like the kind of thing I’ve been after, especially regarding the absorbing of my faecal matter’. Well have you? If not, then you’re stupid.
Why?
Well, that’s because you can now completely and legally wipe your mucky hoon on Daniel Radcliffe’s face. Obviously, the Harry Potter star isn’t particularly thrilled about it, but that matters not because his world is about to become rather 2 Girls 1 Cup and there’s nothing he can do about it.
Master of snoozemonies (sorry) Robert Pattinson has said that he would lay down his life if it meant saving the ones he loved. The news comes as hundreds of sharpened spears were found at the home of anti-Twilight campaigner Allan Thorneyflat.
The star of Twilight and forgettable footnote in the Harry Potter series claimed during a TV interview that if it came down to it, he would know what to do prompting thousands of Twihards to question whether Pattinson’s life was really worth all that bother. Here at hecklerspray, we know the consequences of wishing death on someone and in Pattinson’s case, we really, really don’t.
Why?
Star of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and owner of new enviable haircut, Emma Watson, is all heart. She really is. When it comes to feeling sorry for people, she’s the best in the business. And which needy urchin has bipped on her sympathy radar?
Why, it is none other than our future Queen, Kate Middleton! Poor, poor Kate Middleton.
Emma Watson can’t help but feel sorry for the princess-to-be ahead of the Royal Wedding. It must be awful to have all that wealth, power, glory, pomp, attractiveness and more. hecklerspray has been feeling the pain of Middleton’s life more than anyone. Every time we look at her, we burst into tears at the misery of it all.
Wizards are great aren’t they? They get to wear those funny pointy hats and not get accused of being in some dreadful cult and, better yet, magic comes out of the end of their fingers!
They’re like Siegfried and Roy, only without the accidental mauling by an albino tiger!
And what has got us thinking about wizardry? Well, The Sims: Medieval asked us to think about our fave sorcerers and magic men! We like thinking about magic men. It is much better than thinking about those stoopid celebrities all the time! Read More >>>
