Well they’re wrong. Last night, the big winner at the Grammys was… oh. Alright, maybe the Grammys do cater for a smug, greying establishment, otherwise Robert Plant and Alison Krauss wouldn’t have won so many awards for their fiddle-di-dee bluegrass album Raising Sand.

But they did, so congratulations to Robert Plant. We don’t know how Robert will celebrate his Grammy win but, from the look of him, we’d assume that it’ll involve a moustachioed circus ringmaster holding a whip and a chair.

Usually the Grammys have something for everyone – no, really, everyone gets an award, there are like a billion categories or something – but that sadly wasn’t the case this year.

Why? Because, while the Grammys had a fleet of now-traditional onstage collaborations – like Paul McCartney and Dave Grohl, Stevie Wonder and the Jonas Brothers and, um, Keith Urban and Boyz II Men – the audience wasn’t able to enjoy the sight of a wobbly-legged young scamp dancing around like Michael Jackson trying to run away from the police after being shot with a tranquiliser dart, because Chris Brown might have hit Rihanna or something and had to cancel his performance.

But just because it was short a couple of mediocre R&B performances, the Grammys weren’t going to give up that easily – not when it had to reward a man who looks like leather lion and a woman whose facial skin is so tight that it might well ping off the back of her skull if she scratches her nose.

That’s right, Robert Plant and Alison Krauss were the biggest winners of last night’s Grammys, picking up awards for Album Of The Year, Record Of The Year, Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals, Best Country Collaboration With Vocals, and Best Contemporary Folk/Americana Album. The last of these is certainly a surprise – Robert Plant is the least American person on Earth thanks to his weird Adrian Chiles speaking voice – but, as AP reports, he isn’t complaining:

While accepting the Grammy for album of the year, the 37-year-old Krauss — perhaps wanting to remind the audience that Plant’s rock star hadn’t entirely matured — said there’s “never a dull moment” with the 60-year-old singer. “I’m bewildered,” said Plant. “In the old days we would have called this selling out, but I think it’s a good way to spend a Sunday.”

But while Robert Plant and Alison Krauss must be thrilled at the new shot of publicity that their Grammy wins will have granted them, Page’s bandmates in Led Zeppelin are probably less happy about it. They’ve all spent the last year trying to convince Robert Plant to take Led Zeppelin on a lucrative world tour, but his commitments to his Krauss collaboration have stopped that from happening.

And now this is probably going to harden Robert Plant’s mind against the reunion even further. To think, he’d prefer to spend his days travelling around with a pretty and (comparatively) younger woman rather than standing on a cold stage shouting songs about goblins next to a man who looks like Jamie Oliver’s grandmother night after night? Wonders will never crease.

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But not even nasty facial hair can compete with this. Because Chris Brown has just been booked in an alleged incident that’s being treated as a possible felony battery case. And since a) Chris Brown’s girlfriend is Rihanna and b) Rihanna cancelled her Grammy performance last night, that can only mean one thing.

Chris Brown and Rihanna have put together an elaborate honeytrap system to lure and attack a procession of innocent young women. Or Chris Brown hit Rihanna. Or neither of these things.

Chris Brown and Rihanna were the golden couple of pop. Between them, they answered the age-old question of ‘what would it be like if Michael Jackson and Grace Jones reversed in age by about three decades, got romantically involved and ceased to write any memorable pop songs whatsoever?’

But – and this is just a wild hunch – we’re not so sure that Chris Brown and Rihanna are the golden couple of anything any more. That’s because Chris Brown has been charged with a felony in connection with a domestic violence incident, and the only people that we’d imagine Chris Brown can be domestically violent to are Rihanna, his Hispanic cleaning maid – which is unlikely since, as a properly-developed human being, she’s about eight times bigger than him – or a rudimentary plasticine model of himself that he made and keeps as a shrine to his preposterous ego. CNN has details:

“Detectives investigating the alleged domestic violence felony battery booked him for criminal threats,” a statement said. His girlfriend, singer Rihanna, abruptly canceled her planned Grammys performance, but neither her spokesman nor the show organizers gave a reason. Police have not identified the alleged victim, who they said “suffered visible injuries and identified Brown as her attacker.”

If you ask us, something doesn’t add up here. Perhaps it’s the lack of details given by the police, or perhaps it’s the unfortunate timing of the incident, or perhaps it’s the fact that Chris Brown is the weediest person on the face of the earth and the only way that he could possibly inflict visible injuries on a woman is either if she was made entirely out of tissue paper or had skin that dissolves when boys cry on it. Actually, after some consideration, we’ve decided that it’s definitely the last one. Definitely.

Anyway, Rihanna or otherwise, we hope the victim of this alleged Chris Brown domestic violence incident can recover both physically and emotionally in time, before reuniting to star in the inevitable upcoming lighthearted musical version of Nil By Mouth.

And besides, is it really all that bad? True, Chris Brown has been accused of doing something pretty monstrous – and potentially to a beloved pop superstar, too – but it did mean that both Chris Brown and Rihanna cancelled their Grammy performances, thus making last night’s Grammys about six minutes shorter as a result.

And, while we’d never condone a thing like domestic violence, if the spouses of U2, Aerosmith, Steely Dan, Coldplay, Foo Fighters and Lil’ Wayne feel like going medieval with a cricket bat this time next year, there’s a very good chance that we’ll turn a blind eye.

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Yes, the Grammys are dull, overlong and self-congratulatory, but if the Grammys didn't exist, then Aretha Franklin's demented tantrum over Beyonce calling Tina Turner 'the queen' instead of her wouldn't exist either. And that's just too priceless to live without.

Especially now that Beyonce's dad has gotten in on the act, too – Matthew Knowles has called Aretha Franklin "childish and unprofessional" for her outburst. We're expecting Aretha's "That's childish, unprofessional and super-super morbidly obese to you," retort to come any second now.

When it was announced that Beyonce was to duet with Tina Turner at this year's Grammys, at best you probably expected an under-rehearsed medley of power ballads performed by an elderly out-of-breath woman and a woman hell-bent on swamping everything with all sorts of needless "woooahoahwhooah"ery.

But ha! That's not what you got at all. In fact, what Beyonce and Tina Turner gave us on Sunday night was an under-rehearsed medley of power ballads performed by an elderly out-of-breath woman and a woman hell-bent on swamping everything with all sorts of needless "woooahoahwhooah"ery containing an introduction that made Aretha Franklin flip her shit.

In case you needed reminding, Beyonce introduced Tina Turner as 'the queen.' And this managed to rile Aretha Franklin senseless because she's supposed to be the queen, and Tina Turner can't be the queen as well otherwise there'll be two queens and people will get confused. What if Tina Turner and Aretha Franklin both went to the same party and there was a snack trolley labelled 'for the queen'? Would they have to share? We get the feeling that Aretha Franklin would rather take her own life than share any snacks. Mainly, we think this whole brouhaha is snack-based.

Anyway, Aretha Franklin was so upset by all this that she made a public statement about it. And now it's the turn of Beyonce's father Matthew Knowles to make a stand, and he seems as bewildered about all this as the rest of us:

"Something this ridiculous – it's childish, it's unprofessional. And it's a sad day when egos get bruised because somebody used the word king, queen, prince or princess."

And now Matthew Knowles has followed it up in an interview with CelebTV making his views even clearer:

"I am not taking something this ridiculous to Beyonce. Beyonce referred to Tina Turner as a 'queen.' Not queen of gospel, queen of soul, queen of blues, Queen of England. I consider my wife a queen and sometimes call her that. Does Aretha have a problem with that?"

In fact, Aretha doesn't have a problem. She eats problems for breakfast. She eats a lot of things for breakfast, though, so maybe we shouldn't we shouldn't judge that too harshly on that. 

So now just about the only person not to have spoken out about this kerfuffle is Tina Turner. There could be any number of reasons for this – perhaps she's decided to rise above it, perhaps she's continuing her pattern of not responding to anything that happens to her, or perhaps she's still out of breath from her Grammys performance – but we're not so sure.

We think that Tina Turner is quietly preparing for battle. you see, if Tina Turner is now queen, then it makes sense for Aretha Franklin to upgrade to Super-Queen. And if that happens, Tina will need to think fast and upgrade too, to Ultra Mega Super-Queen. And so it will continue, until the fateful day when Mega Super Hyper Condor GalactaQueen Aretha Franklin and Ultra Ultra Thundersaurus Omegamax Queen Tina Turner wrestle each other in the middle of New York, knocking down buildings and punching heads off statues and whatnot.

Read more:

Beyonce's Dad Weighs in on 'Queen' Flap – Associated Press 

And that's got Aretha Franklin thoroughly narked. You see, Beyonce introduced Tina Turner at the Grammys by calling her "the queen." And Aretha Franklin is under the impression that she's actually the queen.

The queen of what, we don't know. Although judging by her performance at the Grammys, our first guess would be that Aretha Franklin is the queen of competition-standard sausage-gobbling.

Although the rightful focus of the Grammys on Sunday was the way that Amy Winehouse managed to sing two songs without falling over, throwing up, smoking any hard drugs or hacking away at any of her bodyparts with a razorblade, other people found different things to concentrate on.

And, although the Grammys duet between Beyonce and Tina Turner wasn't especially pleasant, that's what Aretha Franklin has focused her mind on, anyway. Luckily Aretha Franklin isn't too concerned with the performance itself, or the way that Tina Turner's borderline-obscene silver corset pulled her 68-year-old torso in so tight that she made a noise like a choking baby rather than singing, but the way she was introduced.

You see, Beyonce's spoken-word introduction of Tina Turner mainly involved listing other female singers and saying that none of them are as good as Tina Turner, because Tina Turner is "the queen." And since Aretha Franklin thought that actually she was the queen, she's started getting shitty about it to anyone who'll listen. According to The Associated Press:

When Aretha Franklin is unhappy, she does not mince words. On Tuesday, the longtime Queen of Soul slammed Beyonce Knowles' intro to Tina Turner at Sunday's Grammy Awards, in which Knowles called Turner, not Franklin, "the queen." "I am not sure of whose toes I may have stepped on or whose ego I may have bruised between the Grammy writers and Beyonce," Franklin said in a statement issued by her publicist. "However, I dismissed it as a cheap shot for controversy."

If it was a cheap shot for controversy, then might we suggest that it isn't actually a particularly good one, since the only person to show even a flicker of anything approaching outrage is Aretha Franklin herself. Everyone else was probably wondering how long it took for Aretha to grow her upper arms to get to the size of a fat man's thighs.

Perhaps the organisers of the Grammys will pay attention to Aretha Franklin's tantrum, though, and in the future only refer to Tina Turner as a duchess or low-ranking marchioness or something. And maybe Aretha Franklin should think of copyrighting this queen thing – we hear several monarch states, a rock group, a scallop and a chess piece are already encroaching on her territory.

But, you know, maybe 'queen' isn't a big enough word to describe Aretha Franklin. Maybe 'planet' or 'galaxy' would be better – after all, we're pretty sure that Aretha Franklin does exert her own gravitational pull now.

Read more:

Franklin Slams Beyonce Grammy Intro – Associated Press 

Sadly nobody's ever taken us up on the hornet thing, but at least Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are keeping their end of the bargain. Apparently Paris and Lindsay had a scrap at Timbaland's pre-Grammy party over which of them liked Timbaland more, or something.

We know. Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan were at a music awards party. Perhaps they were both serving drinks.

No awards show worth its salt is complete without a spot of pointless bother from a couple of vapid bell-ends, from the time that one of Westlife started a fight with the So Solid Crew at the Brits to the Pamela Anderson ex-husband scrap between Tommy Lee and Kid Rock at the MTV VMAs this summer.

Despite this, though, the Grammys were all set to go off without any incident whatsoever - Amy Winehouse let the side down by being coherent and the aftershow knife-fight between Latin Jazz Album winners Paquito D'Rivera Quintet and violently embittered losers Sammy Figueroa And His Latin Jazz Explosion never transpired – until Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan decided to have a run-in at Timbaland's pre-show Grammy party, that is. The Mirror reports:

We watched open-mouthed as Lindsay pointed at Paris and snarled: "What the hell is that bitch doing here? I didn't know she was on the list." To which Paris spat back: "Fuck off you bitch."

Why all the commotion? Well, apart from Paris and Lindsay's history of phone-hacking and invisible bruise-leaving, apparently both Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan want Timbaland to produce their next albums. Honestly.

Like us, you were probably hoping that Paris and Lindsay had given up their hopeless dreams of becoming credible musicians to concentrate on their full-time jobs of drink-driving and having it off with loads of men. No such luck – not only are the pair of them determined to keep churning out bad pop but they want Timbaland behind the desk even though, given his successes, putting his name on a Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan album would be a bit like paying Leonardo Da Vinci to shit a moustache across the Mona Lisa's top lip.

To Timbaland's credit, it sounds as if he'd rather choke on an antelope's nutsack than produce anything by either of them. But Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan shouldn't get downhearted – they've both got their movie careers to fall back on. After all, it takes a very special person to make a movie that opens at number 40 or gets you nominated for a Razzie in the same category twice.

Read more:

Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton fight at Grammys party – Mirror 

Amy Winehouse actually managed to sing in tune.

But, yes, Amy Winehouse won five Grammys last night – for Best Record, Best Song, Best Pop Vocal Album, Best Pop Vocal Performance and Best New Artist. And Amy's elation was clear for all the Grammy viewers to see. That's because, at current market value, she'll be able to trade the Grammys in for a big bag of crack on the streets.

The organisers of the Grammys know that they're in charge of a long, ultimately dull ceremony that only Wayfarer-wearing ponytailed middle-aged record executives can honestly admit to being interested in. But to their credit, for last night's show, they decided to give the show more appeal by making it personal. Almost uncomfortably so, in fact.  

Kanye West, for example, sung a song about his dead mother. And Amy Winehouse managed to take a song a song about her current rehab situation and pepper it with references to her jailed husband. The way it was going, we were genuinely surprised that Tina Turner didn't use her Grammys duet with Beyonce to debut a new song called I'm Glad That Old Fucker Died. 

Still, though, despite the weird tabloidy air of proceedings, last night's Grammys were really only about Amy Winehouse. Although she was nominated for six Grammys, Amy wasn't allowed a visa to attend the ceremony because of that pesky 'crack-smoking' video of hers. So as an alternative, Amy Winehouse got to perform by satellite instead. But even that was wracked with uncertainty.

For example, nobody knew if Amy Winehouse would have a full set of teeth in for the performance, or whether she'd offer out the entire Grammys viewing audience as she's so fond of doing during performances. Amy could have – as she's appeared to do in the past – pulled drugs out of her beehive and ram them up her nose while singing. Or she could have done what she's done uniformly for the last year and turned in a lazy vocal that sounds like the Cloverfield monster trying to do a Chewbacca impression during a karaoke version of Baby Love.

But no. What Amy Winehouse actually did was sing normally while looking vaguely healthy. We know, it was hard for us to take in, too, so here's a video for proof…

Other Grammy winners included Kanye West, Justin Timberlake, Foo Fighters and just about everyone else who seems to win Grammys every year anyway. But last night was Amy Winehouse's night, and her non-rubbish performance coupled with her five Grammys for Best Record, Best Song, Best Pop Vocal Album, Best Pop Vocal Performance and Best New Artist could very well open a new chapter in her life.

Perhaps all this adulation will mean that Amy Winehouse will clean up her act for good and never do anything newsworthy ever again. And if that's the case, we're going out of business. Nice knowing you all.

Read more:

Grammys Serve Up Winehouse on Tap – E! Online 

Amy was supposed to be performing at the Grammys this weekend, but her request for an American visa has been denied, possibly because she'd explode the faces off every sniffer dog in a 50-mile radius the instant she landed at LAX.

Still, ever the trouper Amy Winehouse has vowed to do her Grammys performance live by satellite – just as soon as she's worked out whether her husband's prison or the confines of her drug rehab centre will make the more attractive backdrop.

You might have thought that it was fear of another near-fatal overdose that spurred Amy Winehouse on to seek treatment for her drug addiction, or possibly the shame of seeing herself apparently smoking crack on the front page of a newspaper. But it wasn't – Amy Winehouse supposedly only went to rehab because she wanted to play the Grammys so badly.

After a year that's seen her pull American tours and big American awards shows, the Grammys were meant to be Amy Winehouse's way of proving that she's still a talented singer underneath all the endless tabloid fluff. And since she notched up more  Grammy nominations than anyone else, a performance during the ceremony would be Amy's crowning glory. All she needed was for America to grant her a visa.

Yeah, hasn't happened. 

It was already touch and go whether Amy Winehouse would be granted a visa after she was arrested on a minor drugs charge in Norway last year, but there's a chance that the video of Winehouse appearing to huff down mouthful after mouthful of delicious crack after a night on the Valium, ecstasy powder and cocaine might have possibly made the US visa people a little bit nervous too. The Associated Press reports:

The Outside Organization, which counts the troubled retro-soul sensation among its clients, said in an e-mail that Winehouse — who shot to fame with the autobiographical single "Rehab" — was disappointed that her request for a visa had been turned down by the U.S. Embassy. "Amy has been progressing well since entering a rehabilitation clinic two weeks ago and although disappointed with the decision has accepted the ruling and will be concentrating on her recovery," the Outside Organization said. The statement didn't say why her application was rejected.

Of course, it's quite correct that Amy Winehouse should be refused entry into America – no musician who's ever so much as seen a drug has ever been allowed into America – but, undeterred, Amy Winehouse has decided to still perform at the Grammys by satellite.

That's bittersweet news, because satellite performances in awards shows never have any of the impact of the live performances. However, on the bright side Amy Winehouse can sing her Grammys song and go home, saving her the agony of sitting through all 13 arse-numbing hours of the ceremony like everyone else.

And, let's face it, if hearing the nominations for the Best-Engineered Polka Album Sleevenotes (Sans Serif) award getting droned out by the drummer from Aerosmith four hours into an already interminable show makes us want to turn to hard drugs, just imagine what a mess it'd leave Amy Winehouse in.

Read more:

Winehouse to Sing Via Satellite at Show – Press Association 

And that's performing at the Grammy this weekend. Amy Winehouse is up for six trophies and she also knows that performing will bring her an insane amount of exposure, leaving more people than ever before whispering plaudits like "Is she OK?" and "My God, what's happened to her teeth?"

But Amy Winehouse might not be able to go to the Grammies this weekend, and that's because the police have just decided to talk to her about the video of her honking on her crack pipe like it was going out of fashion.

The Grammys are taking place this weekend, and the prerequisite number of godawful performances are ready to go. There's the Beyonce/ Tina Turner duet, which will finally give the world a before and after image of what Beyonce would look like if you kept her held down in bath water for three years. Then there's a chance that Michael Jackson will perform at the Grammys, although by 'perform' we probably mean 'spin around twice slowly while one of the Black Eyed Peas sings a line from Man In The Mirror.'

And then there's the performance that everybody's looking forward to – the Amy Winehouse performance. You see, Amy Winehouse is up for six Grammys and there's nothing she'd like more than to mark this achievement by performing during the ceremony. And if you ask her really nice, she might even sing in tune, tighten up her diction and not call the song to a halt so she can threaten the millions of viewers to a fight.

But before any of that, Amy Winehouse needs a visa to travel to America, something which might have been buggered up by that video of her supposedly smoking crack – not least because the police are now interviewing her about it. The Sun reports:

Amy Winehouse’s dream of singing at The Grammys this weekend could now be wrecked – after police quizzed her yesterday about smoking crack cocaine… Officers went to North London’s Capio Nightingale clinic to grill the star for two hours. A complaint had been received about Amy’s drugs binge exposed by The Sun last month. She was filmed smoking crack after taking cocaine, ecstasy and Valium. A source revealed last night: "She was not arrested. She is co-operating with police." 

Now, this might not be as much of a problem as it's being made to be. After all, when Kate Moss had a chat with police after that newspaper photo of her apparently snorting cocaine was released, all she did was flutter her eyelashes and she was released. Granted, that might have been because she's a supermodel and not a funny-looking toothless fairground worker who gurgles instead of speaks, but perhaps Amy Winehouse will still manage to overcome this.

And if her raw feminine sexual power won't do the trick, then maybe Amy Winehouse needs to remind the police and the American customs officials what they're at stake of losing if she's not allowed to perform at the Grammys. If you keep Amy Winehouse in England, there's every chance that she'll do an album of Christmas carols with Mika. And that'll be on your heads.

Read more:

Amy quizzed over crack video - The Sun 

What do you mean you hadn’t even noticed we were doing Grammys betting odds? You people make us sick. Anyway, before we start the real fun next week – so long as you can define Dancing On Ice as fun, which you really can’t – let’s wind things up with a look at the favourite to win the Grammy.

So here are the Best Song Grammys betting odds for Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood, with help from Paddy Power…

Before He Cheats - Carrie Underwood: Now, as non-Americans we haven’t got the foggiest clue what Before He Cheats actually sounds like, and we wouldn’t recognise Carrie Underwood if she rode a pony up our bottoms. However, thanks to an American Idol audition performance we saw at the weekend, Before He Cheats seems to be a glaringly-off-kilter heavy metal song about a woman screaming “I’ll destroy your car! I’ll burn down your house!” while stomping about looking murderous. However, we do know that Before He Cheats has won all kids of other awards, so there’s really no reason why it shouldn’t win the Grammy. Unless it’s crap. It might be – we’ve never even heard it. Current Grammys betting odds – 7/4

Next week – Dancing On Ice betting odds. May God have mercy on our souls. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Grammys betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Wish you could make enough money to buy the Grammys and destroy them right in front of Steven Tyler’s weeping face? Well, that’ll be a little more difficult, but not impossible. Because this week we’re letting you bet on the results of the Grammys Best Song category. Yes, all the nominees are universally awful, but this is to make you rich, not to stop you going deaf, OK?

So here are the Grammys betting odds for Umbrella by Rihanna and Rehab by Amy Winehouse, with help from Paddy Power…

Umbrella – Rihanna: Rihanna is some sort of all-powerful meteorological demi-being, because whatever she sings comes true. When Rihanna released Shut Up And Drive we fell silent and went down the supermarket, and when she released Umbrella it rained non-stop for something like 15 years. Horribly ubiquitous and disgustingly catchy, we genuinely can’t see how Umbrella can’t win a Grammy – not least because Rihanna’s next single is called Everyone On The Grammy Panel Will Die Painful Gory Deaths Unless Umbrella Wins Best Song. But even if it doesn’t, let’s just be thankful that Britney Spears turned Umbrella down first, because now she doesn’t have to show up at the Grammys and, well, anything that reduces the chance of us catching a glimpse of her vagina is A-OK with us. Current Grammys betting odds – 7/2

Rehab – Amy Winehouse: Forget the quality of Rehab by Amy Winehouse – the real question is whether or not it’s ethical to give a prize to Amy Winehouse when she appears to continually be so close to death. Surely a Grammy would just reinforce the idea that Amy Winehouse performs better when she’s off her tits on hard drugs all the time, plus the accompanying sale boost she received would only help fund her addictions. Right? It’d be horribly irresponsible to even acknowledge Amy Winehouse’s talents as a singer when her personal life in in such a bad state. It might even kill her. But since one of the alternatives is to give the Best Song Grammy to the Plain White T’s, that’s a chance we’ll just have to take. Give her the award. We think they call it acceptable loss. Current Grammys betting odds – 2/1

Tomorrow - the Grammys betting odds for Carrie Underwood. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Grammys betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Anyway, although the Grammys are going to have the sort of Tina Turner/ Michael Jackson-centric performances that’ll have you leaning out of your window to check that it’s not the mid-1980s, you can’t make money from them. But you can make money from figuring out who’ll win the Best Song award at this year’s Grammy. Ready?

Good. Then here are the Grammys betting odds for Hey There Delilah by Plain White T’s, with help from Paddy Power…

Hey There Delilah – Plain White T’s: Oh, where to begin with this little delight? Maybe the fact that Plain White T’s is perhaps the shittiest band name since Wet Wet Wet. Honestly, what was the band’s second-choice name going to be? The Slightly Skiddy Y-Fronts? Anyway, if you’ve ever listened to local radio for more than six seconds, you’ll have heard Hey There Delilah – you know the one, it’s the song that sounds identical to every other bad American acoustic ballad ever. Hey There Delilah contains the line “Some day we’ll pay the bills with this guitar,” which depresses us beyond words because we don’t think the singer’s talking about smashing his guitar and selling it for firewood. But, hey, we can dream. Current Grammys betting odds – 4/1

Tomorrow: Grammys betting odds for Rihanna and Amy Winehouse. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Grammys betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds

Sod off. We’ll get round to giving you the Dancing On Ice betting odds next week once we’ve mentally prepared ourselves for the onslaught of sparkles and lifts and Gareth Gates. But before then, for four days only, we’re going to be looking at the Grammys – namely the Best Song category. Who’ll win? We think we might have an idea.

So without any further ado, here are the Grammys betting odds for Like A Star by Corinne Bailey Rae…

Like A Star – Corinne Bailey Rae: Song of the year? What year, 2005? Hasn’t Like A Star been out since the dawn of time? We swear that we heard it soundtrack the fall of the Berlin Wall, you know. But anyway, despite the dubious timing of the award, does Like A Star by Corinne Bailey Rae deserve to be the Grammy’s song of the year? No, of course it bloody doesn’t – unless of course Song Of The Year is actually short for Dull Song Of The Year or Song That’d Best Accompany A Carbon Monoxide Suffocation Of The Year. As far as the song itself goes, we think it’s about how Corinne Bailey Rae’s boyfriend is just like a star in that he’s millions of miles wide, made of burning gas and will one day die and swallow up planet Earth. That Corrine Bailey Rae, eh? What a romantic bitch. Current Grammys betting odds – 10/1

Tomorrow – Grammys betting odds for The Plain White T’s. Woo! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Grammys betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Because now that the writers won't be picketing, we'll all be free to witness the arse-numbing, life-sapping 52-hour marathon of back-slapping, lecturing and ill-thought-out musical collaborations that the Grammys have all but copyrighted.

And one of those ill-thought-out musical collaborations will be a frankly terrifying-sounding duet between Beyonce and Tina Turner. Hold us.

The writers' strike has made a mockery of many of the things we love – like 24 and The Daily Show. It has also made a mockery of many of the things we don't particularly care about but are contractually obliged to professionally follow – like the Golden Globes and potentially the Oscars.

So it stands to reason that the writers' strike should also make a mockery of stuff we honestly can't bloody stand, like the Grammys. But nooo, apparently the Grammys are going to get off scot-free. Brilliant.

The Grammys are terrible for so many different reasons – but mostly because of the way they routinely throw random groups of musicians together to create 'happenings' that are generally as sonically appealing as listening to a distressed newborn baby jamming a vinegar-soaked javelin through a kitten's eye again and again.

Like the Sly And The Family Stone reunion at the 2006 Grammys where Steven Tyler was so busy like an idiot that nobody noticed that Sly Stone was making his first public appearance for 19 years in the background. Or the 2005 all-star rendition of Across The Universe that was so bad that it was basically a direct insult to the people of Sri Lanka.

And this year, to try and reach those insanely high peaks of dreadful taste, the Grammys will feature a duet between Beyonce and Tina Turner. People reports:

Beyonce Knowles will join forces with the legendary Tina Turner for a performance at the Feb. 10 Grammy Awards, a source close to the show confirms to PEOPLE. News of the A-list duet comes just one day after the Writers Guild of America announced it will not picket the awards show – clearing the way for stars to attend the Los Angeles ceremony. 

Perfect, a Beyonce/ Tina Turner duet is just what we've been waiting for – given the age difference and Beyonce's fondness for ripping off every single thing that Tina Turner did, chances are the performance is going to end up looking like one of those before and after posters for crystal meth addiction.

But maybe we're wrong. Maybe Beyonce and Tina Turner will pull something truly memorable out of the bag – like if Beyonce continues her trend of badly injuring herself onstage by falling off a 30-foot balcony onto her chin while Tina Turner suffers an attack of stagefright from being semi-retired for close to a decade and hallucinates that Ike Turner's ghost is chasing after her with a slice of cake until she wets herself and shorts out all the electricity to the venue. 

Alternatively Beyonce could just wail like a panicking tightrope-walker while Tina Turner sings Steamy Windows just like she did with Purple Rain when she duetted with Prince at the 2004 Grammys. We can't possibly imagine which one it'll be.

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Beyoncé & Tina Turner Will Duet at the Grammys - People 

The nominations for next year's Grammy awards have just been announced and, while Kanye West just edges her for the top spot with eight nods, Amy Winehouse has score a very respectable six Grammy nominations. And what must be heartening for Amy Winehouse is that the competition is extraordinarily weak this year, especially in the Most Toothless, Most Bleary, Most Witchlike and Most Supposedly Aggressive Husband categories.

The Grammys are the highlight of every musician's calender. That's partly because there are roughly six trillion Grammy categories – so even Scooch will probably end up scoring one somewhere down the line – and partly because, well, who doesn't love five-hour smugathons made up of several toe-curl 'supergroup' jam sessions between two of Velvet Revolver and that whiny bloke from Creed?

And the nominations for next year's Grammy awards have just been announced. It's an important year for the Grammys, because it will be the 50th anniversary of the Grammys and therefore the 50th anniversary of a noticeably old millionaire plodding out on stage, launching into a burbling hour-long explanation about why home taping is killing music and then introducing Aerosmith.

So the organisers of the Grammys need to make sure that next year's show is the best yet. And Amy Winehouse is one of the leading nominees. Amy Winehouse. Best. Amy Winehouse. Best. We don't get it. Anyway, Amy Winehouse has been nominated for the album of the year, song of the year, record of the year and best new artist, along with two other nominations that won't count because they're probably for Best Dressed Assistant Sound Engineer or something.

It marks the end of an unusual year for Amy Winehouse, who's had to face near-death overdoses, fights, rehab, cancelled tours, jailed husbands and – perhaps most worryingly of all – friendships with Pete Doherty. We'd make a pithy comment about how awful it'd be to see Amy Winehouse perform at the Grammys, but actually we'd quite like to see her offer to punch in Eric Clapton's face. And so would you if you have any sense about you.

True, Amy Winehouse's tally of Grammy nominations was just topped by Kanye West, who got eight, but we all know what'll happen there anyway – Kanye West won't win anything and he'll spend the rest of his life bitching about it like a baby complaining that he got a yellow balloon and everyone else got a blue one. And plenty of other acts got Grammy nominations, too, but if we publish a list of all the nominations we'd be here until the Earth stops spinning. We're doing you a favour, really.

Actually, we'd like to retract that bit about Amy Winehouse being the new Mary J Blige if we can. It'd only take a couple of months of cold turkey for Amy Winehouse to become full of Blige's insufferable recovering-addict emotional diarrhoea. And, if anything, that'd make her worse than she is now.

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West, Winehouse Top Grammy Nominations - CNN