Bugger. A new year is nearly upon us which means award ceremonies will soon be in full swing. February will see Adele win every award she’s nominated for at The Brits because quantity of sales rules over quality of music these days.

The Brit awards are so dull that the most mind shattering event to have ever happened was when Labour politician John Prescott got a bucket of ice water tipped over him. Imagine if he’d froze to death or got his suit ruined?

For real controversy, you can always count on America. Back in 2009, Rihanna and Chris Brown were scheduled to individually perform at the Grammys, the only ceremony in the world where people honour country & western music. Sadly for Rihanna, Chris Brown got a little excited about the evening ahead and started fist bumping her repeatedly in the face. But hey, that happened years ago and it seems the organisers of the Grammys have completely forgotten this.

It’s hard to work out why anyone, apart from boxers, needs to use their fists for work purposes. Perhaps Chris Brown had convinced a record label executive that he should be allowed near a studio again, so he could record a poxy album for members of Team Breezy to go nuts over. At least it’s refreshing to see the gap in the market left by Michael Jackson fans is being filled by a new brand of hardcore extremists.

Once again, it shows that the world of showbiz is a much more forgiving place than the grim world the majority of people live in. When the Grammys come, you’ll see a large room that’ll be full of people who’ve committed all sorts of illicit activities’ from pro-sportsmen, actors and musicians. They’d still be applauded because they’re famous. Stick them in a rough council estate in Hull and soon good old fashioned public justice would quickly deflate a lot of egos.

It seems that, despite Chris Brown’s brutality rearranging somebody’s face, this hasn’t stopped him from being nominated for a number of awards. Just like all other artists in Brown’s genre, we can assume that he sang about issues such as bling, bitches, fast cars and his mega sized crib. But not why he posted photos of his penis on the internet. We’ve been told he’s up for:

“Best R&B album, best rap performance and best rap song.”

Because Rihanna is either upsetting Irish farmers or releasing a new single every other hour, she’s never been out of the world of music and has been nominated for best pop vocal album, album of the year amongst others. How’s it going to work at the Grammys? After only receiving community service work, there were other stipulations placed upon him which ordered him to have:

“No contact with Rihanna, barring him from appearing in any venue as she, and effectively banning him from awards ceremonies at which she appeared.”

But remember, Rihanna is all edgy and in your face. She’d change her middle name to danger if she could. Back in February she modified the restraining order so that:

“The two could be in the same room.”

We can only expect small talk over at the fondue stand or more realistically, anger from Chris Brown when Rihanna takes the cocktail sausage from under his nose at the buffet. Let’s hope the rumours that they’re sexting each other again aren’t true.

Donald Trump is a man of many talents; he pioneered the modern day comb over, he discovered that President Obama was actually a Senegalese street cleaner called Babacar Ousamane, causing him to resign from the Presidency and is rumoured to have been the man who killed Kim Jong-il, with a Chuck Norris style roundhouse.

But now, ‘The Donald,’ as he is known, has made his most audacious claim yet, he (and he alone) is personally responsible for the meteoric rise to fame of the 21^st Century musical behemoth, Lady Gaga.

That’s right, if it wasn’t for Donald Trump the world would never have been subjected to the second coming of Madonna.

Top man Trump, stated that it was his choice to have Gaga perform during the 2008 Miss Universe pageant. The resulting performance that she put on got tongues wagging, with people all over the world reportedly not talking about the pageant because they were too busy wondering who that entertainer was.

Naturally there was no mention of the fact that Gaga’s inaugural performance came just after the crucial Miss Universe Wank Threshold. After which it’s assumed that any and all viewers have finally reached their climax and so they’d better wheel out the performing monkey to distract them and give them a little bit of time to recover.

America’s answer to Lord Sugar wasn’t done there though.

Now that he’s successfully managed to convince everyone that he brought us Gaga, instead of simply being a bit gaga, Trump has begun work on his next outlandish claim.

Rumours have been circling Stateside that Trump is planning to claim that he is in fact the man in the moon, having acquired the advertising rights after a hostile takeover of NASA that took place just before they had to scrap the space shuttle program.

It looks like Justin Bieber won’t have a little friend to play with in his sandbox after Mariah Yeater dropped her lawsuit which alleged that the infant singer fathered her four-month old son with his hairless willy.

The depressing thing about that is, in particular, that he almost certainly didn’t tell a young fan that he wanted to ‘eff her brains out‘. We liked the idea of that sentiment making a comeback.

Either way, this lawsuit has shown a more snidey, snarky side of Bieber which has been slowly revealing itself over the last year, giving credence to the idea that JB has actually been replaced with a lookalike by the Illuminati.

Yeater had said that she became pregnant with the ‘Baby’ singer’s child following a… get this… 30-second romp (each your heart out Boris Becker!) backstage after one of his concerts in Los Angeles in October 2010. No. ‘Backstage’ is not a euphemism for which direction Bieber could’ve entered Yeater’s gluff.

Of course, Justin has continually and vehemently denied the claims, but just to look more innocent, he absolutely agreed to a paternity test.

The suit was quietly withdrawn last week.

Mariah’s lawyers – Lance Rogers and Matt Pare – have also slowly backed away from the claim and stopped representing Mariah after JB’s attorney Howard Weitzman warned Yeater they were planning to sue her and her legal representatives for making false claims.

And like a cyclist tackling a double decker bus, there’s only ever going to be one winner, and that’s the bigger, rougher boys with the money.

Justin insisted he would not “waste” his time meeting his accuser face-to-face because her claims were so vindictive, noting that:

“All this stuff is dealt with by my legal team. But if they want me to (take a paternity test) then I will.”

When asked what he would say to Mariah if he could meet her, he said:

“Nothing, I wouldn’t waste my time. I guess (she’s done this) for attention, but it’s not something I am interested in. These people are not worth my thought or time.”

Remember when Bieber was all forgiving, kindly and Christian? Look at him now! Scorning people and saying they’re a waste of his precious time!

Ladies and gentlemen, the rot has set in! Justin Bieber (or his replacement) is on the cusp of becoming dead-eyed, hollowed out and cynically nasty.

BRILLIANT.

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Normally when we see the ridiculous antics of groups of girls and younger gays on Twitter, clubbing together to form an online “army” and ruining Trending Topics for everyone, we usually want them all to die in a Lady Gaga inspired fire.

There’s armies for One Direction, Justin Bieber, Cheryl Cole; if you’re a modern popstar cum bumwipe, chances are you’ll have yourself an army of devoted fans eventually.

But what happens when Armies turn bad? Well, that’s what Adele is finding out as she is getting some awful things said about her over Twitter recently. Truthful and hilarious, but still awful things.

So what’s got the Gaga Army all riled? Well, Adele’s success apparently. Both the stars are up for one of those fancy award thingies (like the one that we won for being the Best Celebrity Blog Ever) to become the bestselling artist IN THE WORLD.

Alarmingly, Adele has overtaken Lady Gaga and sold one in 10 records this year. That means that not only will Adele have a rotten amount of money and we’ve got to wipe our derrieres on old copies of the News Of The World, but that 10% of all record buying peoples are clearly dicks.

Bet they all tell everyone to shut up when ‘Someone Like You’ comes on and call it ‘their song.’ Even though it’s about having an unwanted love for someone. It’s hardly the most romantic of songs. It’s the thing of violent revenge attacks. It’s literally the soundtrack to Raoul Moat’s life.

It also means that it looks like Lady Gaga will be losing out to the eclair-loving songstress.

So what do the ‘Little Monsters’, the ridiculous name given to Lady Gaga fans, do? Congratulate the “talented” singer about her success and hope her the very best in her future endeavours? Of course not. They’ve been slating her with some hilari- sorry, horrible comments. The best we’ve seen is

“Confirmed: Gaga will not be wearing her meat dress because she is afraid Adele will eat it.”

Which is funny, because it could possibly be the truth. Cheryl Cole is thinking twice about wearing her choux pastry hat with sugar strand shoulder pads for the occasion.

Obviously we would normally only criticise someone because they’ve been attacking their girlfriend Chris Brown style, or if they make Moves (on children) Like Jackson, but we do have a special bucket of hate for Adele, with her depressingly mainstream pop songs that everyone loves all the time and that she’s basically stealing the shtick of most soul stars for the past sixty years.

But we wouldn’t change a thing Adele, mainly because seeing people get harassed on Twitter can be sometimes hilarious, and is a lovely way to spend time on the toilet.

Especially during a ‘distress poo.’

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Lady GaGa is a woman obsessed by fame. She loves it. She likes the idea, the smell, the taste and the lumpy feel of it. She would wouldn’t she? She hasn’t been famous long enough to become jaded by the idea.

It’s all one big, vague art project to her.

And despite the fact she’s only been famous for the blink of a mayfly’s eye, that hasn’t stopped people wanting to cash in on her own clamber to the top of the popular culture pole. Let it be noted that by ‘pole’, we mean a long, slippery stick rather than a man from Warsaw. If becoming famous was as simple as humping a Polish gentleman, we’d all be at it, right? Just us? Oh.

Anyway, some jerks who work for American television have decided to make a new film which chronicles Lady GaGa’s rise to fame and fortune.

Just in time for everyone going cool on her. Seriously. We haven’t heard from her for a while and god knows our attention spans are shorter than Mike Tyson’s fuse.

Either way, executives at the Lifetime network are developing Fame Monster: The Lady Gaga Story, which will show Stefani Germanotta’s transformation from jobbing songwriter to full-on LOOK AT ME pop star.

The TV film (the new ‘straight-to-video’) will be based on Maureen Callahan’s 2010 book Poker Face: The Rise And Rise Of Lady Gaga and the script will be written by Norman Snider, who penned Kevin Spacey’s 2010 movie Casino Jack.

Lady Gaga is not involved in the project, so it can’t be that good.

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There’s been reports that Justin Bieber has been in a minor car accident this week while driving around in a Ferrari in Los Angeles. Even the police have confirmed that the pint-sized popstar was in an accident.

The official line is that there was no injury or damage to the car according to the authorities.

However, we’ve uncovered some shocking news that the young singer has already passed away and replaced by a reckless lookalike. There’s lots of concrete evidence to support this too, if you know where to look. It would appear that Justin Bieber is dead.

First off, there’s the change in his personality. For a while, Bieber was as wholesome as can be, but recent reports show Bieber to be brattish and quick-tempered. It’s obvious that the split with Selena Gomez is a result of the young singer not being able to cope with this new imposter, unwilling to tow the record company’s line on this.

There’s long been rumours that the original Bieber was being forced to take oestrogen pills in a bid to maintain his boyish charm and thwart the advances of puberty. Have you noticed how high his voice remained, despite being a teenager?

It could be that the pressures and hormonal imbalance caused Bieber to end his own life?

There’s suggestions that he could’ve been killed by the illuminati. In Bieber’s song, ‘Baby’, backmasking reveals a series of sinister messages declaring war and professing to be evil.

It’s obvious that the original Bieber – a good Christian boy – would not have been happy with these messages, enabling the illuminati to kill him and replace him with a lookalike who is more willing to hide messages in song.

Bieber has also taken time to praise various rappers, with a particular penchant for Tupac. Of course, it is suggested that ‘Pac was killed by the illuminati, which Shakur predicted before his death in the song ‘Killuminati’.

He rapped:

“I’m comin back like Jesus, bow down to my ill nation”

As well as:

“Yo Makaveli they can’t stop you”

This is clear reference to Niccolò Machiavelli, a man who faked his death.

The Machiavelli link is even more sinister. If you take the name Niccolo Machiavelli and mix up the letters, you get “a chic vanillic mole”.

In terms of some perhaps faking his death to escape the clutches of the illuminati, we need to look closer at this. ‘A chic vanillic mole’ refers to the fact that Bieber is incredibly popular right now (or, ‘in vogue’ or ‘chic’) and very boy-next-door safe for consumers (or, ‘vanillic’ if you will). The mole is a reference to Bieber’s surname – which comes from the Bavarian for ‘beaver’. The mole is widely regarded to be the land-dwelling equivalent of the beaver, which brings us to a clear indication that Justin Bieber’s death, or perhaps faked-death, was predicted many years ago.

Bieber’s willingness to praise Tupac was clearly the young singer whistle-blowing. Examine his lyrics and you’ll find more clues to his death (faked or otherwise).

“I never thought that I could walk through fire, I never thought I could take the burn. I never had the strength to take it higher, until I reached the point of no return.”

This, taken from the chilling Never Say Never, is backed up with more clues.

“I never thought I could feel this power”

Is this ‘power’, the feeling of release that Bieber would feel once he ‘dies’, in a bid to escape the clutches of the illuminati? He goes on:

“Like David and Goliath, I conquered a giant, so now I got the world in my hand…”

The lyrics then go on to talk about landing on the moon – perhaps a nod to the lunar conspiracies which are inextricably linked to illuminati activity?

This feeling of power is also mixed with a clawing sense of claustrophobia. In Down To Earth, he sings:

“The walls are closing in on us”

In Runaway Love, he notes:

“I’m running out of time…”

Even Bieber’s album is titled, ‘My World 2.0′. A clear indication that this is a second, ‘updated’ version of the popstar. Was the original Bieber killed off or disappeared before it’s release? You only have to look at Justin to know that there’s something awry here.

As you can see in this young picture of Bieber, he looks completely different to the way he looks now. The cheekbones are more defined. His hair is a different colour. He’s started to wear sunglasses in an attempt to throw fans off the scent. Did Bieber create the Shawty Mane alter-ego to try and continue releasing music from ‘beyond the grave’?

We’ve been asked privately, not to share this information. We feel it is too important to keep to ourselves. And sure, you may dismiss this as the ramblings of a lunatic, but hecklerspray has been working tirelessly as a team to uncover the sinister truth behind Justin Bieber.

There’s clearly shadowy forces at work. How else can you justify is incredible influence and popularity in the world? We will continue to investigate this and, of course, you dear reader, are invited to conduct your own lines of questioning as we work toward getting the truth out about Justin Bieber’s death.

Justin is dead man, miss him, miss him. Are you a true Belieber?

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Christmas is promoted over summer these days, since stupid capitalism got involved. They say it’s the most wonderful time of the year and who are we to disagree? Children throw strops when their parents won’t buy them a games console to replace last year’s outdated model whilst long lost relatives crawl out the woodwork looking for presents.

But the most irritatingly thing about Christmas isn’t the dry turkey or lack of birthday cake for Jesus with its 2000+ candles – it’s the awful music.

Crusty rockers such as Slade cash-in on royalties as TV and radio stations lazily play a variety of supposedly feel good hits that get us in the mood for eating and drinking ’til we get diabetes. Recent years have seen X-Factor contestants pester us with songs that usually take the number one position, but if that wasn’t enough to make you upset, Justin Bieber has decided to release his own Christmas album. We think we can hear baby Jesus driving nails into his hands again.

It’s a shame that Jesus is dead, because we’d love to see what sort of songs he’d put on a compilation, or even spin in a nightclub under the alias of DJ J-Suss. Perhaps a religious cult is hoping that Justin Bieber’s angelic like voice will trigger the return of our lord saviour, returning to planet Earth so he command the world’s superheroes. Batman and Superman must surely be the equivalent of community support officers, filling in for Jesus until he’s back on the beat.

Like many artists before him, we imagine that Justin Bieber will take a batch of archaic hymns and carols, giving them a modern day twist. By that, he’ll add a tinny sounding beat, a cheap and nasty melody that could be created on a poundshop keyboard and add a dash of pointless rapping with those bastard sleigh bells.

Regardless of this album sounding worse than a Cher Lloyd and Olly Murs collaboration, Bieber lovers will no doubt be flocking to snap up the record when it’s released, or opening it as a gift on Christmas day.

For any mortified parent reading this and hoping we’re talking our usual rubbish, you’ll be sad to know that news of a Justin Bieber album came straight from the mouth of the foetus itself. Using Twitter, he or one of his minions posted:

“So it’s true…been in the studio doing something special for Christmas. We are going to try and raise a lot of money this year for charity!”

As yet, the charity hasn’t yet been announced, but due to Justin Bieber still being a child and believing in Christmas creations like Santa, he’ll no doubt be investing any money raised in a course to teach reindeer how to fly. Just so they can be like Rudolph and all of his other merry chums that deliver us shoddily made goods each time the 25th December rolls round.

Or it’ll be put into a secret offshore bank account that Bieber will use to fund his heroin habit when times get bad.

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Do you know who Jo Calderone is? No. Well it’s Lady Gaga in men’s underpants. Okay? And when GaGa dons some skiddy briefs, drops the ‘s’ from ‘she’, all kinds of mischief can be had, including trying to molest Britney Spears who still has the look of a mental ward about her.

Great scenes, especially given that Jo Calderone is an anagram of ‘Cajole Drone’ – the only sensible suggestion we’ve got for an analogy concerning this pair mating (or ‘Re: Jade Colon’).

Calderone presented Britney Spears with the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard award (no idea what that means) and tried to dry-hump the awardee on-stage before nipping off to the men’s toilets do urinate everywhere that isn’t the urinal itself. That’s impressive staying in character.

Spears said of the Calderone encounter:

“We got onstage and felt it out.”

So that’s what it’s called these days. Oddly enough, Spears told the crowd that she resisted Calderone because she didn’t want to upset Gaga.

Kissing Madonna is fine though, apparently.

And where was GaGa?

Calderone says:

“She’s really fucking pissed at me. Gaga said ‘Fuck you,’ she said, ‘If you really love me you’ll go instead of me and get in that spotlight.’ So I did.”

He added, talking about humping Britters:

“She’s fucking hot, Britney. Gaga’s my girl, but Britney’s fucking Britney Spears. Didn’t you jerk off to Britney when you were a kid?”

We have absolutely no idea what’s going on, but we think we kinda like it.

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Nobody told us that Justin Bieber was back on the market via a flurry of texts or messages on Twitter. We had to do some detective work after mopping moisture from our trousers. Not because we were engaging in sexy acts with ourselves, but rather, the supersonic wavelengths shattered our bottle of No Frills gin (paint thinner to you) after the world’s children screamed so loudly that nothing stood a chance.

Of course, tiny pop menses, Justin Bieber, has been the apple of many young girls’ eyes and everything seemed fine and dandy as he sang inoffensive songs whilst making barrels of money for record executive who’ve has a greying ponytail older than the little gyrating cash calf.

The one sworn enemy amongst Bieber fans has always been Selena Gomez who was every girl’s idea as a home wrecking bitch. But the clutches of this evil beast has been released and Justin Bieber is now available for us all to throw ourselves at! US FIRST!

Gomez’s romance with the seven year old dwarf singer, angered his tiny milk-teeth grinding fans. They really didn’t take kindly to their crush being taken away from them. As such, comedic messages of badly spelled hate were sent her way: Was this the reason that Selana kicked Bieber’s barely developed bottom to the curb?

Somebody muttered:

“She doesn’t feel Justin is quite mature enough yet to be in a long-term, stable relationship. She’s in the market for someone a little older and more worldly-wise and she was as unhappy about Justin’s friendship with bad boys Chris Brown and Sean Kingston.”

Friends with Sean Kingston and Chris Brown? Alarm bells would start ringing in any sane minded persons head. After all, we all know that part human, part muppet creation Sean Kingston has the uncanny ability to try and crack open his brains on Miami bridges.

As for Chris buck toothed Brown? We guess that Selena Gomez is one of the few ‘celebs in America to realise that punching someone in the race, regardless of their gender or status shouldn’t be allowed to regain popularity. But if smashing a chair through a window when asked questions about domestic assault makes you LOL, then Chris Brown must make a lot of people happy.

After a cup of hot chocolate, a cuddle with his blanket and kissing practice with his hand, Justin Bieber will bounce back to seduce some lucky child. If Michael Jackson was still with us, we’re sure an invite to Neverland would have already landed on his doormat.

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Justin Bieber has created a monster. That’s right – the 4 week old heartthrob has managed to get a young, innocent girl and turn her into a jaded, cynical, coal hearted ghoul. Bieber, mixed with American politics, has torn out the heart of a fragile young girl, now destined for a life of jaded pain.

So what happened?

Do you remember young Caroline Gonzalez being made mayor of a Texan town? Well, the 11 year old’s first act as Boss Of You was to rename Main Street ‘Justin Bieber Way’. Real talk. However, the machinery of the world has bitten her on the backside, creating a ghoulish creature ready to ruin the world. When she’s old enough of course.

See, what happened was that the sign made to rename the street has been stolen. Her first political act resulted in a rebellion from her people.

She’ll never trust another human as long as her feeble little heart has a beat in it.

Caroline’s father, Tony Gonzalez said that after she learned of the theft, he had…

“never seen her so mad”.

City officials have rushed a new sign out to replace it, which will also get stolen, thereby continuing the depressing spiral in the spirits of young Caroline Gonzalez.

Look what you’ve done America! If she goes on a machine gun rampage in a mall, you’ve only yourselves to blame.

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Lady GaGa is a creature that loves wearing outlandish outfits, but seemingly, feels so restricted by clothes in general that she’s more than willing to tear them off at any given point, ensuring that just about everyone has seen her boobies.

And she’s at it again, flopping them out all over her ivories.

That’s right bap-fans – GaGa is getting them out again, this time while singing a jazzy (read ‘Bublesque’) version of her latest record, You & I. And yes, you can be disappointed in it over the jump.

In the black and white video, GaGa promotes the MTV VMA 2011 thingy, which means she strips off for… ummm… some art-school reason or other.

She’s right to tart one off for MTV though as they’re looking after her by tickling her ego and nominating her for four VMAs, including Best Female Video and Best Video With a Message for Born This Way, as well as Best Art Direction and Best Choreography for Judas.

But you’re not interested in any of that are you?

You just want to see some famous breasts don’t you? Or indeed, you just want to watch it to feel disappointed or angry about the state of the world.

Well here you go then.

Boobs.

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Lady GaGa is learning to surf. Ain’t that great? She’s learning to surf in Mexico’s Puerto Vallarta, which must be a lovely way to spend your time. Don’t bother with all that Promoting Your New Single lark. Just take your bushy bushy blonde hairdo to the beach and go surfin’.

The best news is that she’s making “excellent progress”. Aren’t you glad?

Of course, we’re hoping that she’s learning to surf, so she can eventually don her meat frock and ride the waves as a moving target for sharks. If you’re famous and want to make the transition to Legend, then it is a good idea to die young, and die weird. What could be better than getting yourself into the annals of rock history by being mauled to death by a Great White while surfing in a dress made of beef? She should learn shark and shout “You guys are pussies! You guys get beat up by those bitch bottlenose dolphins!” too.

A source says, in tones so crushingly tedious that our ears folded in on themselves:

“For a relative beginner she took to surfing really well. She started quite slowly learning how to body-board and then she was able to work up to standing – she made excellent progress.

“She has been very relaxed since she arrived at the resort and is looking to unwind from her punishing timetable on the road.”

Of course, seeing as she’s a mermaid in her new video, she shouldn’t bother with stupid surf boards (the business card of the middle class dickhead ‘taking a year off to find themselves’). She should ride the crest of a wave on her fishy tail, letting out blood curdling screams like Daryl Hannah in Splash.

Either way, this surfing thing won’t be of any use to us, unless she’s prepared to have some kind of Kirsty MacColl/Sean Kingston style accident.

Right?

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For once, we’d like to say how proud we are of someone. And the person is none other than Canadian dwarf warbler, Justin Bieber. Despite being twelve months old and having an entertainment career that’s spanned two decades, he’s kept his feet firmly on the floor and not gone off the rails.

You can’t say the same for his fans though.

One look at those guys and you can see some bona fide crazy behaviour. Because they aren’t tall enough to reach most objects, their shortness sparks anger which is usually thrown at h8erz like hecklerspray and Selena Gomez, Bieber’s ladyfriend. Fans of Bieber usually fling themselves at their idol like a footballer does towards brown envelopes of used bank notes. However, there is a way of showing how much you love Bieber without self harming with a Hello Kitty pen. In one backwards town in Texas, one Belieber managed to rename a grotty street after the singer.

You might be thinking why Forney, the town in Texas, would happily destroy its heritage by renaming Main Street to  Justin Bieber Way?

Perhaps the local police force saw the recent trouble across the UK and wanted to make sure that its own children didn’t take to the streets, looting whatever they could find. Justin Bieber is so brilliant that he could stop a riot. Easy.

Amazingly, the local mayor in Forney offered people the opportunity to become leader of the town for the day too, which was designed to spark government interest in young people. We don’t know what the criteria was to win the contest, but the lucky winner was eleven year old Caroline Gonzalez.

She is clearly not to be trusted.

And of course, hard political issues such as immigration and the economy weren’t discussed by the victor of the contest. After a cabinet of dolls and teddies had been formed, the first action of the day was in order, renaming a street to honour Justin Bieber. She said:

“I really like Justin Bieber. I like his music and I like him. And I thought, why not have a street in my hometown named after my favourite singer?”

To be fair, she seems more straight talking than most politicians. David Cameron or Barack Obama would be mincing their words and defending such a random act as some sort of warped way to link to job cuts or the obesity epidemic. It won’t be long though ’til Caroline Gonzalez is fiddling her expense sheet and found in a ditch with an orange in her mouth.

Still, where America walks, Britain follows, so fully expect to see Simon Cowell Grove and Rastamouse Avenue cropping up near you some time soon.

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Lady GaGa has a new video out again for us to all split into two camps about. One camp is the “Hurray! She’s weird and fresh! Just what pop needs!”, the other is the “Boo! She’s an idiot! An attention seeking idiot! Make her go away!”

This promo for ‘You And I’ will be no different as it features a sexually charged GaGa (or three) messing about with vomit, mermaids, quiffs and Heston Blumenthal.

What? Really? Yes. It’s all a warning about the perils of mixing fish with ice-cream.

So how do you go about warning people away from the prospect of fish flavoured ice-cream?

You may think that this is a message that doesn’t really need conveying. Fish and ice-cream? It sounds disgusting. That may well be the case, but for those curious sorts out there, you need to learn the lessons GaGa has.

Fish ice-cream will ruin your life.

Before we get going, here’s Lady GaGa’s seemingly innocent video for ‘You And I’. Watch it, and then we’ll tell you the secrets that lie within.

Like many, Gaga loves ice-cream so much that it actually hurts. She’s sinks to her pointy little knees in agony at the rear of an ice-cream truck. But this is no ordinary ice-cream truck.

This is ice-cream made by a toothless pervert. It’s his favourite flavour – mermaid hair.

Of course, mermaid hair ice-cream isn’t very nice and something of an acquired taste. So, the only viable alternative is to eat someone’s chin.

Of course, having someone nibble your chin while your breath smells like fishy hair is rather arousing. Gaga likes people nibbling her chin just as much as she likes ice-cream. How do we know? Well, all of her clothes have accidentally fallen off.

And what happens when people’s clothes fall off? They do the sex. The sex is always followed by a post coital cigarette, right? But who’s that man on the piano? Is it Mr Chin Nibbler?

No! It’s Lady GuyGuy!

However, mermaid hair ice-cream is so potent, that mixed with having your chin nibbled, it turns you into a ravenous sexpot. Lady GaGa soon ditches ol’ Lady GuyGuy and starts making out with some other dude! It is here that we begin to see the worrying after effects of fish flavoured ice-cream.

While Joe Smokestabs administers ice-cream in the usual fashion (in a cone, with nicotine stained fingers), this new guys has the moves! He’s some kind of experimental Heston Blumenthal type chef who administers ice-cream through strange contraptions.

And this new chap is not only experimental with his desserts. He’s so good at sex that he can turn you into a fish. This, of course, is an allegory for being promiscuous. It all becomes clear. Mr Sexy Sexy may well be the exciting option, but he’s riddled with STDs. He’s a playa, as the folks of Geraldo probably say.

Look at the fishy sex! This is clearly a set-up which requires us to mention the smell of a poorly vagina. The smell of fish.

And what does a poorly vagina make us do? Lady GuyGuy demonstrates with a nice vomit brought about by anxiety, anger and the smell of a fishy vagina. Damn.

So what have we learned? Don’t trust a man who administers his penis at you in weird ways because, chances are, it will make you smell like fishy ice-cream and make your ex-partner puke with disgust. A lesson for us all there.

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It’s hard to know when you’ve achieved ultimate glory. For football players, gracing the cover of computer games is enough to know they’ve reached the dizzy heights of fame, though the modern player will argue that having a kiss and tell story whored out to the press is the current recognition of stardom. But what about popstars?

Of course, the obligatory merchandising goes with any musician, as branded calendars are labelled as highly collectable, easily enticing young fans to whip out their wallets. Surely every piece of tat to buy has been covered?

Well we certainly thought so, but try telling that to Justin Bieber. Despite just learning to walk, the crooning runt has recently released a perfume called ‘Someday.’ And now, he’s got the flavours of that and remixed them into a new product called the Bieber Bocker Glory. Whilst this sounds like some sort of sordid sex act, we’ve been told it’s an ice cream.

A fistful of dust could be sold to fans of Justin Bieber due to his unique ability to peddle any only tosh. However, it appears that some thought has gone into this strange ice cream creation. Even though perfume is just smelly water, all sorts of PR guff gets thrown around to try and make us think that we’re splashing our necks with ancient African fire herbs. The Bieber Bocker Glory simply takes the notes of the scent and blends them into something you can shove down your throat. It contains:

“Wild berry and vanilla ice cream, pear, lavender sprinkles, and edible glitter.”

Unconfirmed reports have us believe that the dessert will be severed up on a silver tray by a unicorn that’ll be firing a rainbow out of its horn and whistling the theme to Match Of The Day. If this was to happen, then expect to pay through the nose for the privilege, but for now, you’ll just have to trudge over to Harrods in London where you’ll no doubt be robbed blind for something that cost about £2 to literally whip up.

Sadly, there’s more Justin Bieber ice cream news.

It’s also been reported by a fanatical Bieber blog that Nestle have decided to produce ice cream bearing the Canadian singers face. In honour of his nation, we can only assume that the normal and slightly boring chocolate flavour will go out the window. Instead, we’ll be treated to a taste of Canada – like the taste of smashed in seals heads with thick sticky blood being replaced by strawberry sauce. But where can you buy this tasty treat? Don’t run down the supermarket at once now, it’s only available in Israel for some unknown reason.

Poor Israel, it isn’t like they have enough problems already without a gurning Justin Bieber ice cream bar to deal with.

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