Fresh from its victorious sinking of the Tumblr Trawler, Webthump is here to receive your adulation!

Well, not quite.  We’ve donned our fisherman’s waders to have a carcinogenic  rummage  in the foetid, elbow-deep cesspool that is the Internet.  All to bring you something to gawp at while fondling your shriveled genitals.  We could have been doing something useful with our time, like whittling voodoo dolls of Russell ‘new relationship’ Brand from old lolly sticks.

From the congealed masses of pornography and dead Myspace pages we’ve managed to dredge up a few sparkling gems of entertainment.  We’ve brought you 10 of the best, worst and weirdest that mankind’s collective intelligence can vomit up.

10. Remember childhood?  Unless you’ve repressed all memory it should be a golden hued, nostalgia filled delusion of possibilities and innocence.  Anything was possible, remember?  You were going to be a secret agent astronaut who had an infinite supply of pogs.  It’s all been a downward spiral of disappointment ending in erectile dysfunction and rubber pants from there.  If only you’d learnt to go out and grab what you want.  If only you weren’t afraid of breaking the rules.  If only you were Noah Jeffrey, a 3 year old so who said “bum-bum-poohead” to a life of dejection and scheduled nap times.  He’s so cool, we’d eat the dried, crusty snot from his top lip.

9. Bollocks.  Arty Bollocks to be precise.  This site serves no real purpose whatsoever. You click a button and it spouts some overblown shite about ‘consumerist fetishism’ and ‘constructed dialogues’.  It’s the sort of long worded drivel spouted in those ‘tastefully tatty’ bars full of tight trousered twats with ‘ironically terrible’ hair. We tried applying it to hecklerspray.  Apparently we’re an “undefined phenomena become undefined through undefined and critical practice, the viewer is left with a glimpse of the limits of our era.”  What the hell does that even mean?

8. More bollocks. Utter, total gonads.  Big, hairy surreal ones at that. Illogicopedia is fascinatingly bizarre, stocked to the gills with nonsensical babble and outrageous drivel.  Built on the same lines as Wikipedia, only twice as entertaining and infinitely less useful.  There is not a single true statement hiding anywhere in the vast mire of twaddle that is Illogicopedia, which make is hilariously entertaining for about 10 minutes.  William Shatner‘s entry is worth a look.

7. This is just rotten stuff.  But we can’t stop reading it.  Tucker Max is an asshole.  The introduction to his website is “Hi, I’m Tucker Max and I am an asshole.”  He really is a terrible human being, we want to be him.  He’s rich, smart and gets laid.  A lot.  The website is a chronicle of the worst things Max has done in his 20-something years.  Most of them involve models and are told with lines such as…  Sorry, we’ve been searching the site for an hour and there isn’t a single quote we can put on even our sullied pages.  The trailer from an upcoming Tucker Max Movie might give you an idea what we mean.

6.  Another self-proclaimed sphincter here.  But this one is amusing rather than compulsively repulsive.  Emails from an Asshole pretty much does as it says.  Any chance to send irritating emails to someone is seized upon with impish glee and some poor sucker’s day is guaranteed to get worse.  It’s spawned an old fashioned paper compendium that’s probably done the rounds.  But who wants to read something you have to touch with you hands? What is this, 1993? Check out the archives for a few hours of amusement and in this case, kitten mangling horror.

5.  If that’s not enough time wasting archive dwelling for you, try B3ta.com.  This forum has been going since 5 minutes before the big bang and is populated with some of the best bad ideas we’ve ever seen.  The site is totally devoted to the sharing of ideas for products that is describes as “completely fucking useless shit”.  With the likes of the Salmon Cannon, “firing your salmon has never been easier” and Dr Glomp’s Turd Polish we can’t really argue.

4.  Enough time wasting for you? Fancy doing something constructive? Darksites.com tore themselves away from animated vampire girls for long enough to help you take over the world.  The Evil Guide Plan helps those of a world dominating but indecisive nature to plot their rise to power.  Simply enter your desired goals and preferred methods and the Evil Guide Plan breaks it all down into 3 easy steps with fashion advice an agreeable ego stroking.

3.  Lego men are always smiling.  What have the got to look so smug about?  They don’t even had elbows or knees and yet they grin at you with their cylindrical heads with an unsettling superiority.  We hate Lego men with such a passion we can forgive these boys for being Canadian after what they did to this happy yellow chappy.

2. We’ve all dreamt of having sex with a robot we built in our parent’s garage.  Good news! It can be done.  Thanks to a guy called Zoltan you can now hump a creepy fembot to your lonely heart’s content.  Which is a sentence we’ve been dying to write since we got our Journalism degree.  There’s many an article been penned about Zoltan and his android humping ways.  The best is an in-depth account of science meeting heartbreak and Zoltan’s technical genius being unleashed “with a doll and some hacked teledildonics”.  There’s another line we wished we’d written.  The worst article out there is not worth reprinting but is titled “A Motherfucking Robot I Tells Ya.”

1. Now, this video is hosted on a Christian video sharing site.  We are aware of the irony of us mentioning it on our pages.  Especially in an article that condones using children as pint sized agents of crime and sex with robots. Even with our heretical ways this clip came close to melting our cynical exteriors.  These guys are 90, they don’t have long left.  The Reaper’s grasping at their shirt collars, ready to yank them into the hereafter.   But not before they’ve had a jolly good sing-song.  Watch it, grin despite yourself and then wonder how much urine was spilled during the performance.

Webthump utilises a team of 10,000 trained chimpanzees to enter random searches into Google.  After sifting through millions of banana related results we are left with 10 items worth publishing.  If you wish to join our team of chimps drop suggestions on our Facebook page or message us on Twitter.

This week hecklerscope has been tirelessly fiddling with the planets in order to bring you a completely accurate and not at all fictional account of what lies in store for you this week and all because in our own way, we love you.

You’re like the children we never wanted.

Ready to be dazzled and amazed? Well are you? You’d better be because reading the movements of celestial bodies is thirsty work (please send alcohol to numb this awful weight which we carry, okay?).

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)

Just one week left to get a date for Valentine’s Day! Once we’ve stopped laughing we’ll get back to you on how to do this.

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)

The stars play a huge part in your life this week when you show a Leo just how much you care in the local park. You also accidentally show a Scorpio and a Pisces and are beaten up in prison by a Virgo.

Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)

It’s a little known fact that those born under the sign of Gemini are a year older than they were this time last year.

Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)

You can relax. Despite your sign’s name you will never, EVER get this disease.  However, if there was a sign called recurring yeast infection, we couldn’t make the same bold statement.

Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)

We don’t know much. But we know we love you. And that may be all you need to know.  That and your cat hates you.

Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)

The planets have been discussing you and quite frankly they’re as disgusted with you as everyone else in your life.

Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)

This week you sleep with all of your followers on Twitter. Congratulations! You’ve just made two spambots very happy.

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

You receive a surprise phone call on Wednesday! It’s from Rocky Dennis. He wants his face back.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

A work colleague complains about the cold this week for the 17th time so you set fire to his desk and he never mentions it again.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)

For once in your miserable life things go the way you want them to.  New car, new boyfriend and the only thing that stops us from feeling bitter about this is what lies in store for you next week. Two words. Closed casket.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

We’re pleased to tell you that your house isn’t haunted! Oh no, that creepy girl who’s been crawling across your bedroom floor every night is very much alive and dangerous.

Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)

You can’t help feeling like your lonely life is just one poorly written joke. ‘Knock Knock.’ Who’s there? No-one.  You’re right!

Hello. You’ve landed on the hecklerspray Super Bowl 2012 liveblog. Here, you’ll find a limey’s confused view on proceedings, complete with drunken ribaldry, American snack reviews, arrogance, a willful disregard for spelling and enough lame jokes to fill the average American’s cavernous gut. It’ll be great. Abuse and pedantry always welcome.

Remember when Janet Jackson invented the term ‘wardrobe malfunction’ at the Super Bowl? That was good wasn’t it? In the old days, it was just called ‘flashing’ or ‘exposing yourself’, which is clearly what happened, but Janet’s people had to pretend it was an accident.

Well, people are a little nervous of a nipple being shown at the Super Bowl halftime show this year, mainly because no-one in their right mind wants to see Madonna’s rock-hard gym-sculpted banger on view, all sinew and veins.

And mercifully, she’s promised that this won’t be happening.

Madonna says that all efforts have been made to ensure that she won’t be exposing a nork to the biggest television audience in the world.

Lucky really because, it hasn’t escaped our attention that she’s slowly turning into Iggy Pop with each passing year.

“Great attention to detail has been paid to my wardrobe, there will be no wardrobe malfunction – I promise”.

There’s a lot riding on this for Madge and she admits that she’s feeling the pressure of performing at the Super Bowl. And it really is a gigantic audience. Last year’s Super Bowl bagged itself 111 million in the US.

“This is a Midwesterner girls dream to be performing at the Super Bowl half-time show”

“In over 25 years of performing that I’ve done, I have never worked so hard or been so scrupulous or detail-orientated or freaked out.”

And here’s a preview of Madonna’s new video for her new single, ‘Give Me Your Luvin” which features American Footballers and stuff!

Super Bowl Sunday is nearly upon us, leaving 99.9% of the Great British public absolutely nonplussed. The remaining 1% is made entirely of 3 super fans and a host of the curious. Still, that shouldn’t stop us looking at it.

See, the Super Bowl is one of the most peculiar events on the planet. It’s probably the biggest sporting event that is honest enough to let-on that, basically, the game itself is the least important element of it.

And there’s so much else to pick at. The commercials are a big talking point, not to mention the halftime show (this year, featuring Madonna). One of the best things about American events is the need to sing the awful and saccharine National Anthem. With that, we are going to look at some of the worst renditions of the Star Spangled Banner, EVER.

There’s a long, long history of people ballsing up the American national anthem, with some more notable than others. With Kelly Clarkson performing the 2012 Super Bowl anthem, we can only hope she accidentally shouts “BIN LADEN!” or something during the middle of it.

Mainly because we like furore in all forms.

Anyway, let us look at the worst national anthems. We’ve invariably missed your favourite, so you should leave a comment with a link to your most loved car-crash.

Here’s ours.

Michael Bolton

Check out the massive error and resulting gun-fingers! Not to mention the odd delay which makes Michael Bolton sound like he’s singing from inside a robot’s wang. LOVELY!

Steven Tyler

Check out what he changes the last words to. What a gargantuan penis.

BEST NATIONAL ANTHEM BALLS UP EVER

The poor lass singing at what appears to be a Canadian hockey match (so why the USA anthem?) repeatedly forgets the words, goes to get a print-out of them and then falls flat on her backside. Amazing.

Christina Aguilera

Xtina’s famous flub which only works if you know the words to the American anthem.

Marvin Gaye

Hey! You know what the Star Spangled Banner has always been missing? Some cocaine fueled sex vibes!

Roseanne Barr

Roseanne can’t sing. She didn’t let that stop her. Few got the joke.

Carl Lewis

Carl Lewis is one of the most gifted athletes ever. Alas, when it comes to singing, he’s more like Wesley Willis. He chickens out on a big note after making one of the most ghastly noises on the planet, prior.

And finally…

Whitney Houston

Okay. If you want to knock it out of the park, then Whitney back in ’91 gives everyone an absolute masterclass in pomp and circumstance. THIS is how you tart up an anthem!

What’s this? You’ve managed to survive another week?  Congratulations! Now look, we’re the first to admit that we sometimes get it wrong. But not this week. This week, we’re bang on. Trust us.  We’d never lie to you. Let’s look at what rotten luck awaits you this week. It’s your own fault for being born.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)

The planets are playing a song for you …’Love is a stranger in an open car, to tempt you in and drive your far away’…sorry, not love. Abduction. We recommend staying in this week.

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)

Your wife is pregnant! This would be amazing news if you hadn’t been working overseas for the past 12 months.

Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)

Your boyfriend asks if he can wear your new underwear.  Heterosexual couples must dread these moments.

Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)

You may have lost your job but by God, you haven’t lost your dignity. Oh wait. On Friday you sneeze, fart and soil yourself in the Job Centre.  Um…

Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)

The planets smile upon you this week and your bank refunds all of your charges! They’re still repossessing your house though.

Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)

It’s a little known fact that those born under the sign of Virgo are good with their hands. And understandably compulsive masturbators.

Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)

You’re stunned by the amount of porn you find on your partner’s laptop. Your girlfriend is awesome.

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

Your mates throw you a huge farewell party on Friday! As you hadn’t planned to go anywhere you become suspicious. Also, be wary of a ticking parcel which arrives for you the following morning.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

It pains us to have to tell you this but you’re going to have a spectacular week. Nothing bad will happen. You even win some money. This is the part of the job we hate.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)

Your angry, competitive side shows itself this week when you travel 200 miles to punch someone who beat you on Words with Friends.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

Your girlfriend has been having affair.  She hates you. The truth hurts doesn’t it?.. but not as much as being hit by her car on the way home from work.

Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)

Stop worrying about things that haven’t happened yet. Torture yourself with the many, many mistakes you’ve already made.

Well, knock us down with a feather. It must be that time of the week again. The time when we force our hands into the stinking, wretched filth that comes into the hecklerspray mailbox.

To give you an idea of what our mailbag actually resembles, allow us to paint you a picture. With words. Imagine taking a bowl of delicious, ripe fruit and writing a series of misguided, offended or just plain idiotic messages on each pieces and then leaving it to rot. Then imagine putting the pulped, putrid remains of the fruit into a plastic carrier bag and leaving it in a very humid room for a couple of weeks.

Then imagine having to dip your hand into that to remove and read something which calls you a useless idiot. That’s called user feedback, folks and it fucking sucks.

Still, without any further ado, let us wash the remains of your rotten correspondence from our hands and copy your dribbling rants verbatim.

You can pity us but it won’t do you any good. You did this to us in the first place. So here’s this week’s Readers’ Letters. Benevolent deities help us all.

First up this week is the spawn of Jay-Z’s loins. Naturally, this is one of the biggest celebrity stories of the year because they’re both like totally famous and, like, totally talented and stuff. Of course, people with a fan base inevitably have legions of masturbatory freaks who can’t take a joke. Like “Me” for instance. No, not me. Some moron who still thinks referring to themselves in the singular is funny.

I can tell by your article that you don’t like reporting on beyonce so why do they have you doing it.. I came on her to read about beyonce not about how sarcastic you can be.. I mean really get over yourself or don’t report on her..give someone else this job

Reading comments like this really leads us to a phenomenon known as ‘hulking out’, where we all turn either into Marvel Superheroes or into 80s’ American wrestlers. The whole fucking point is that the article is about how sarcastic we can be. There’s nothing else to it. Until you people stop projecting some kind of journalistic ethical code onto us, we’re going to keep having to repeat this every week. Here it is in simple English.

WE ARE NOT JOURNALISTS. 

At least Sparkletits gets it; even though she (?) was replying to some other moron on some other article:

Whoa there friend, settle down. This site is beloved specifically because it brutalizes celebrities. This is like walking into a boxing match and complaining about the violence. Fuck off to people.com or whatever. LiLo is a trainwreck tire fire and does hilarious shit. The end.

That was in response to someone called Michael Prymula, who has a name like a cheese substitute that comes in a tube. His opinions should therefore be disregarded but given that we used to enjoy the one with chives in it on Ritz Crackers, here’s his “worthwhile contribution”:

Fuck you! you worthless fucking piece of dogshit! You think other people’s hardships are SOOOOOOO hilarious, why don’t you just go fuck yourself and stop writing bullshit that nobody cares about! Lindsay can and WILL make a comeback, and she’s a FAR better person then you are!

This is another one. “No-one cares about your opinion” or “nobody cares about their indiscretions”. Of course they do. By leaving comments angrily decrying those who take the piss out of your smacked-up idol, you’re disproving your own point. Of course Lindsay Lohan is a better person than us because we’re fatuous cunts that use our money (earned from a career making faces like we’re having sticks pulled from our arses) to buy crack and smoke a bowl in someone’s poolhouse.

Wait. Hang on. We’ve got ourselves mixed up with strung-out, failed actor Lindsay Lohan, haven’t we? Silly us.

Still, much as ‘she of the poolside nickname’ has some misguided fans, that’s nothing compared to the fans of 30 Seconds To Mars frontdick Jared Leto. Of course, given that all groups of fans have to collective nouns to distinguish them from your average horde of braying nutsacks, we’ve decided to christen Leto’s lot “The Leotards”. Please pass it on to those forums you frequent.

Sometimes it’s the names of the people posting that really draw you into a comment. Take TheGuyWhoWroteThePostIsAFaggotJelousFatForeverAloneSucker which must be an unmitigated nightmare to sign on a disability cheque. This pillar of the Leotard community was up in arms because we wrote an article about him ALMOST FIVE YEARS AGO.

Who the hell’s the gay guy that wrote the post? I bet he’s a fat friki foreveralone 40-year-old who still wets his bed and jelous of THE PERFECTION OF JARED LETO.

Just another hater modafogga who will burn in hell.

Of course, if there’s one thing we’ve learned from the heavily Christian fanbase of 30 Seconds To Galaxy Caramel, it’s that homosexuality is wrong and is punishable by eternity in the firey pits of hell. It is surely not going too far to assume that there must be a fate worse than this for people who like Jared Leto’s fucking awful band.

AJAJAJAJJAJAJAJAJAA
Motherfoggaaaaa
Crappy band? Yo’ mamaaa
Go to hel ahhahahahahaa This dude has some issues.

Yes, here it is again. Would you like us to pick it out?

This dude has some issues.

This from the person who can’t spell motherfucker (or anything for that matter), thinks homosexuals deserve to burn in hell and, perhaps most heinously of all, thinks 30 Seconds to Peanut M&Ms are or ever were any good. It’s stunning to think that someone like this is out living amongst us and not locked in a darkened basement, hooked up to a car battery.

Still, at least ajay knows what we’re all about:

very very very very sexy

Thanks.

Until next week; be good. If you can’t be good be careful. If you can’t be careful then try not to impale your genitals on anything sharp.

Once again, we’re here to bring you amazing insights into your life! Aren’t you lucky?? Well, actually no. Probably not. Were our predictions correct last week? Of course they were, we don’t just make this stuff up you know.

 This is science.

You probably thought it was all mumbo-gumbo, but when did anyone ever accuse Prof. Brian Cox or Patrick Moore of mumbo-gumbists? No, like us, they are properly scientific when they stare at the stars. And so, let our gravitational pull deflect advice your miserable, miserable way.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)

The planets want you to know that life won’t always be this hard for you. You’ll have to die at some point (a tall dark stranger arrives at your funeral by accident).

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)

You accidentally listen to Adele this week.  The police negotiator finally talks you off the ledge on Saturday.

Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)

It’s a little known fact that those born under the sign of Gemini have musical testes. A loved-one asks you to prove this with a mallet during a children’s party.

Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)

You’re convinced you’re going to spend the rest of your life alone and with no surprises. That man hiding in your wardrobe knows differently.

Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)

By Thursday you’ll feel more positive about your career when your boss mysteriously disappears. You’re welcome.

Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)

Your ex and his new girlfriend share everything. Including genital warts. With Capri Sun being in the realm of The Judean Belt, you can safely say it was you who provided this little present to the happy couple.

Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)

World of Warcraft is good isn’t it? Do you know what else is good? Physical contact with other human beings. Call our hotline for acne-removal tips: 0845 H-E-C-K-L-E-R

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

If you could change one thing, what would it be? We’d start with that lisp. And that hairy neck. And those toe-nails that look like pork scratchings. And that rubber claw.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

That Bukkake party you were invited to was a real eye opener. Don’t worry,  body fluid blindness is only temporary.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)

Everyone thinks you’re such a great guy. Your gran and her missing pension think otherwise. A chance encounter leads to a short stretch in prison.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

You wish you’d been braver and put up a picture of yourself on that dating site, when your Dad unknowingly messages you for some casual sex on Sunday.

Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)

We know you’re feeling low this week – you’ve posted it 189 times on Twitter.  Funnily enough this is also the number of people who will unfollow you if you don’t shut up.

Welcome to 2012 you losers!! Think this year is going to somehow be better for you because you made some pitiful resolutions about being less onanistic and getting a real job?  Pfft. Unlikely.

We’ve been staring into the new crystal ball we got for Christmas, conversing with the stars and even dancing with tears in our eyes, just to bring you a completely accurate and poorly written insight into your miserable lives.

Ready? Hit the jump!

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)

It’s a little bit funny, this feeling inside. However, gonorrhoea is no laughing matter and on Saturday your penis falls off in the bath.

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)

Happy New Year! This is going to be an amazing year…for someone else. You remain alone and untouched by anyone other than yourself.

Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)

On Wednesday that bloke you adore will suddenly discover he’s in love with you. Shame you’ve been letting his dad motorboat you round the back of Tesco since August.

Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)

This year you’ll finally get that cosmetic surgery you’ve been dreaming of.  Your ratemylabia.com photos are a winner.

Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)

You could win the lottery this week!!! You could but you spend your last quid on a packet of Rizla and continue being a nobody.

Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)

It’s a little known fact that those born under the sign of Virgo are breathtakingly beautiful. You are the exception.

Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)

That woman who called you an astounding idiot  last year starts working in your office.  Stirring her hot coffee with your privates in an act of twisted revenge proves her right.

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

We’ve been studying your charts for days now. You’re disgusting. Don’t think we haven’t noticed. Even the planets hate you.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

The stars twinkle just for you this week. You’re awesome.  Have you been working out? Keep doing that thing wi…..In other news, your entire family has just emigrated with no forwarding address, while we were distracting you.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)

As your life is already mapped out for you, we feel it only fair to advise that a small bird will defecate on you from a great height this week without you noticing. The hot woman behind you on the bus will be the one to break the news before making awful dry-heaves and sitting somewhere else.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

You’re getting married this month!! He’s a brilliant guy and you’ll never ever find out about that affair he had while you were visiting your dying grandmother.

Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)

Don’t judge a book by it’s cover. Unless it was written by Katie Price. Then you can also burn it, instantly becoming a better human being.

These are dark times for that there internet. As the vultures circle around the rotting carcass of the World Wide Web, we disembark our safe harbour to take a tour round the Cape of Good Tumblr. This is The Tumblr Trawler…

Naturally, we’re assuming that some of you have never even seen a Tumblr, let alone know all about the intricate system of interactions and the thought processes which go into making one. Therefore, we make no apologies if you’ve heard of one of these before or even bought their god damn book. Okay?

5. We’ll start this week’s count down with kittens because, if there’s one thing we learned from doing Webthump for all these years, it’s that you lot bloody love a good kitten. So why not take a look at some kittens taking their place in famous album covers. Highlights include ‘Kittenage Fanclub‘, ‘Johnny Cat‘ & ‘Catwerk‘. See them all at The Kitten Covers.

4. We all have family members that we don’t speak to very much because they were clearly dropped on their head as a child but what would happen if you were keeping a note of every text you ever received from them so that you could put it on tumblr. Some might say that you would be a bad person but the person behind Texts from Bennett would probably disagree.

3. At hecklerspray, we have such a high level of job satisfaction that we like nothing more than flicking through page after page of people complaining about their terrible working conditions. Luckily for us (and for you) there’s Please Fire Me. It’s like Post Secret in that people can anonymously tell the site what they hate about their job without fear of getting fired. These are tough economic times and if you have to keep your job despite your co-workers being idiots then look no further. This tumblr’s for you!

2. Are you trying online dating? Finding that it isn’t for you? Have you run into one of these people who are getting it so wrong that it’s not really terribly funny any more? Well, why not have a flick through Messages From Match and see if you don’t appreciate the next person who asks to see a photo of your genitals just that little bit more.

1. This week’s number one was a shoo-in as soon as we saw it. Yr Wifi needs no more introduction than to say it’s a list of amusing, stupid or down-right insulting names for Wifi Hotspots. Read on and be ashamed of your standardised router. Highlights include ‘Pretty Fly for a Wifi‘, ‘I Still Miss Phil Hartman‘ & the frankly brilliant ‘Wu Tang LAN’

Yes, it’s that time again when hecklerspray leads you by the hand through the murky, briny underbelly of the internet in our Tumblr Trawler. For those of you that might be wondering, it’s actually a real boat that we use to burn the carcasses of hecklerspray writers who have passed onto Valhalla. 

It’s been a bumper week for stupid sole-purpose Tumblrs this week and it’s taken us ages (two minutes) to narrow all the competitors down into a chart rundown of the top 5.

5. In at five, it’s a non-mover because once you get them up there, you can’t get them down. Sent in to us by @sophmackintosh and every other person on the internet- yes, that’s right folks: it’s Goths Up Trees.

4. This week’s number four comes from the far off land of “the past”. It’s I Love Retro.

3. At three, hunted by @grazingbison, it’s the Giant Lizard From Japan immortalised in seventeen syllables, it’s Godzilla Haiku.

2. Who doesn’t love googly-eyed magic? Well, if Paul Daniels’ career slide is anything to go by- no-one. Anyway, this week’s number two is Magic Cards With Googly Eyes.

1. Ever wondered what Kurt Vonnegut makes of modern celebrities? Well, in at number one is your chance to find out by taking a flick through the pages of Slaughterhouse 90210.

Imagine you have access to an African Bullfrog. Once you’d finished singing The Beatles’ ‘Hey Bulldog’ at it, there’s very little you can do with it away from feeding it and mopping up the mess it makes.

Right?

Wrong. See, one bright bulb decided to get his frog and make it play Ant Crusher (that’s a game you get on phones, y’dozy widge! What have you been doing for the past year?). Of course, what unfurls is asking for trouble. As the kidz say, FAIL.

So, as you might expect, the frog toad thing gamely plays the app game and, if it was a cute creature, you’d be cooing about how adorable it all is.

Of course, it’s a horrible slimy thing that looks like a Merman’s ballbag.

Anyway, stick around to the end of the video.

Seriously, it’s worth it. A frog owning dork gets vague comeuppance and how you’ll titter at slight misfortune.

DO IT NOW.

Yes folks, it’s not a festive edition of The Tumblr Trawler and let us tell you why not; Christmas is rubbish. It’s especially rubbish when it comes to memes. Still, here’s this week’s trawl through the briney depths.

5. Replace Face: Want to see what Jason Statham, Danny Trejo & Donald Trump would look like as Russian Generals? Well, we would like to draw your attention to Replace Face.

4. OMG CATS IN SPACE: Is this really, really worth clicking on? We know you like cats and everything but do you really, really want to see a load of cats out in the blackness of space? OF COURSE YOU DO!

3. Feminist Ryan Gosling: Ryan Gosling’s a good feminist guy and wants you to know it. He’s been putting up pictures of himself quoting feminist theory. Oh… what? It’s not actually him? Where’s the appeal then?

2. Barack Obama <3s Gary Busey: Seriously, the most powerful man in the world just can’t go anywhere without his good friend Barack Obama trying to tag along.

1. Nick Clegg Looking Sad: There’s nothing we like to see more at Christmas time than an ineffectual politician with no backbone or discernable policies looking like someone’s just kicked his cat. Here are some images of Nick Clegg having an absolutely awful time. Good.

Sometimes, here on the hallowed hecklerspray, we like to include things that are barely newsworthy. We’re not talking about the pointless goings-on of celebrities and such, rather, things that are just plain odd.

Like what?

Well, when you see the bemulletted man who we’re calling The Detroit Whistler, you’ll know exactly what we mean. He can whistle like a champ! Not like Roger Whittaker though. This man seems to whistle from his Adam’s Apple. Watch. Widen your eyes.

Seriously, you may think you’ve seen all-manner of wonderful voice trickery, amazing beatbox and sound-effectery, but you’ve seen nothing ’til you’ve watched The Detroit Whistler in action.

He could well be the greatest man who ever lived. LOOK AT HIS ACE DETROIT PISTONS SWEATSHIRT FOR STARTERS!

Not only that, he’s starring on clearly the greatest television show ever aired.

Keep an eye out for the various fashion gurus in the audience, not to mention a tiny baby who looks like Super Mario  and, for the best bit, someone knocking over a load of bowling balls, scurrying around making a racket while a TV show gamely plugs on.

That’s all rubbish compared to the wonderful, majestic Detroit Whistler.

NOW WATCH

The word retro is often misused. People tend to mean ‘old’, rather than something new, that looks vintage. That’s what retro is. Anyway, we got thinking about retro things and, in particular, cartoons.

That’s because cartoons are the best thing ever, ever, EVER.

Of course, there was a golden age of cartoons with Bugs Bunny, Tom & Jenny, Roadrunner et all, providing us with snappy jokes, immediate punchlines and amazing, hair-raising action! But cartoons didn’t stop being good. In fact, in recent years, some ‘toons have tried to recreate that vintage animation spectacle, capturing the spirit of getting hit in the face with a pan, or better yet, a complete and utter disregard for being remotely realistic. In short, let’s look at the best retro cartoons!

Naturally, being retro cartoons, they have to be pretty modern, yet hark back to a different age. It goes without saying that all cartoons owe something to The Flintstones or Elmer Fudd, but we’re interested in those that explicitly lean on the great cartoons of yesteryear.

Sometimes it’s in the spirit of the show, sometimes you’ll find it in the drawings themselves.

What got us thinking about old ‘toons was Müller’s wünderful stuff campaign that brings back Muttley, The Mr Men and Yogi Bear. We loved all those shows. If you haven’t seen the commercial yet (seriously? It’s everywhere!), have a look at it now.

Anyway, onto our favourite cartoons, all that definitely a vibe of the past about them. You’re advised to disagree with us and spout off in the comments.

Foster’s Home For Imaginary Friends

Johnny Bravo

Ren & Stimpy

Dexter’s Lab

Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Adventure Time

Power Puff Girls

Fairly OddParents

The Regular Show

Samurai Jack

This post was sponsored by Muller, which is nice of them, eh?