In fact, let’s play a game. Try to see how long you can remain straight-faced while watching it. We managed to last for 55 seconds before involuntarily giggling. Can you do better? Doubtful. Like we’ve said, the video you’re about to watch is godlike. Godlike. And even better if you’re a fan of Stanley Kubrick.

It’s after the jump, obviously. And sound would help…

You don’t need to be told that Denmark is weird – a country capable of producing Sandi Toksvig and Lego is certainly a country that shouldn’t be messed with.

But if you ask us, the new adverts for the Denmark Tourist Board have proved the country’s weirdness for good. California has Arnie and Rob Lowe, New Zealand has those awful British people repeating the word ‘amazing’ again and again to the sound of Forever Young and Denmark has, well, this. Consider us troubled.

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We know exactly what you’re capable of, and your debut show on Friday night in Las Vegas did us proud. But then again, Joaquin Phoenix rapping onstage after a career tutorial by Diddy couldn’t really be anything other than spectacular.

And the result – a bearded man shouting incomprehensible rubbish like a homeless tramp screaming at his own reflection and then falling off the stage – was the dictionary definition of spectacular. Joaquin Phoenix, you’re our hero. Video? Yes, there’s video.

If we were trapped on a sinking hot air balloon with every celebrity on Earth, and we had to throw all but one overboard to keep us afloat, it’s looking increasingly likely that we’d keep Joaquin Phoenix. The man is such good value we’d be idiots to jettison him.

Everything Joaquin Phoenix does is solid gold entertainment (with the exception of most of his films, obviously. We’re not idiots). Whether he’s asking reporters if frogs are eating his brains, announcing his retirement from acting in the most shambolic, humourless way possible or scrawling ‘BYE! GOOD’ across his fists to reinforce that point, Joaquin Phoenix never fails to make our jaw drop in utter disbelief, like he’s Punking the world, but he forgot to tell anyone first.

But last week, everything that Joaquin Phoenix had ever done became obsolete. Because last week Joaquin Phoenix decided to become a rapper, got World’s Worst Rapper Diddy to teach him how to rap and then asked Ben Affleck’s little brother to make a documentary about his new career. And we can completely see why – the documentary would be like Rocky; a heartwarming film about a man who nobody took seriously but went on to become a champion against all the odds.

Or at least it would be like Rocky, if Rocky was three minutes long, didn’t make any sense whatsoever and ended up with Sylvester Stallone toppling out of the ring before he could even look Apollo Creed in the eye.

That’s right – Joaquin Phoenix’s debut show as a rapper took place on Friday night, and it would have been memorable for being an incoherent, shapeless mess – were it not for the fact that Joaquin Phoenix actually fell off the stage at the end. Here are those videos we promised you…

We’re going to go out on a limb here – Joaquin Phoenix has peaked. There is nothing he can do that will ever top him mumbling about fire and then falling over. What you’re watching here is a master on top of his game. This is absolutely as good as it gets.

You know, at least until Joaquin Phoenix releases his rap album. And there aren’t enough words in the English language that can tell you how much we’re looking forward to that.

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So thank heavens for Kathy Griffin. Because only Kathy Griffin realised that her job co-hosting the live New Year’s countdown on CNN would give her the perfect opportunity to scream abusive penis-related epithets at random strangers in front of millions of people.

If you watched CNN on New Year’s Eve, you’ll know all about Kathy Griffin’s little outburst. But if you made the mistake of not spending your New Year’s Eve sitting at home glumly watching the news, we have the video.

OK, look. We’re sorry. We know we said that 2008 was going to be Lindsay Lohan’s year of sex, but we were wrong. Looking back, it’s clear to us that 2008 was about something far more profound. History, we now understand, will remember 2008 as the year of elderly female celebrities roaring swearwords on live television like crazy old red-faced dockers in the early stages of dementia.

It’s true – we had Diane Keaton shouting ‘fuck’ on Good Morning America, Jane Fonda shouting ‘cunt‘ on the Today show and Joan Rivers calling Russell Crowe ‘a piece of fucking shit’ on Loose Women. It was absolutely our mistake, and we apologise wholeheartedly for not picking up on it sooner.

At least Kathy Griffin was more eagle-eyed, though. She didn’t just notice the trend but, in her position as co-host of CNN’s live New Year’s countdown broadcast, Kathy Griffin actually managed to add to the canon before the clock ran out, as the New York Daily News is only too happy to point out:

During the brief video available Griffin has begun to respond to remarks yelled at her from the crowd. It eventually escalates, and Cooper sends viewers off to a commercial break. The image changes to show revelers along Bourbon Street in New Orleans, but we can still hear Griffin, who delivers a sharp jab to her detractor.

Oh, go on then. Here’s the video…

Now you might be wondering why CNN didn’t manage to drop the sound until after Kathy Griffin had managed to bellow “I don’t come to your job and knock the dicks out of your mouth” at the stranger, but we’ve got a couple of theories. Theory one is that late at night, ‘dick’ doesn’t really count as a swearword. Theory two is that Kathy Griffin’s voice is already such a grossly disagreeable hack that she could read passages from Sense And Sensibility and it’ll still sound like an offensive torrent of cursing, so it didn’t really matter how rude she was.

However, now that YouTube has made the little-watched outburst into something approaching a sensation, we get the feeling that Kathy Griffin will have to publicly apologise before it escalates into an Isaiah Washington-style scenario. Because, honestly, the last thing we need to see is Kathy Griffin presenting a PSA promoting tolerance towards the ‘men who professionally store dicks in their mouths’ community.

But whatever the repercussions, at least Kathy Griffin has helped to make the next CNN New Year’s countdown broadcast a must-see event, just on the off-chance that she goes off-piste and does something similarly offensive again. And CNN’s rivals know it, which is why MSNBC has already scheduled a show called Rosie O’Donnell Slaps A Prostitute In The Face for 11pm on December 31, while Fox has opted for the more traditional Happy New Year From Megyn Kelly And The Tramp Whose Eye She’s Shitting Into.

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“Finally,” we thought, “a video of a cat doing something useful.” Because, seriously, a cat dragging dead birds all across your carpet is one thing. A cat attacking your printer with its paws is another thing. But a cat that dances to what appears to be disco funk while grabbing at its genitals with the rhythm and grace of a young Lionel Blair? That’s next-level cattery.

And before you ask, that is definitely a real cat. Not a bloke in a cat suit or anything. No.

That’s not exactly what happened, though. Instead, what Joaquin Phoenix got was one slightly incredulous man in a suit who quickly collapsed into slightly unprofessional fits of helpless giggles upon hearing the news. And, as we all know, since Joaquin Phoenix has never done a single humorous thing in his entire life, the news didn’t go down particularly well.

We’ve got the incredible video footage of Joaquin Phoenix announcing his retirement from acting to the world’s least caring man after the jump. It’s funny, but be warned – if the apathetic reaction causes Joaquin Phoenix to reverse his decision and sign up for a sequel to The Village, we’re going to hunt that giggling man down like a dog.

We don’t know about you, but when we heard that Joaquin Phoenix was retiring from acting at the age of 34 this week, we conjured up something of a mental image. It involved a deliberate studio interview, or maybe even a press conference filled with respectful, hand-picked journalists who had previously championed Phoenix’s career.

The thing is, we literally couldn’t have been more wrong. What actually happened, as you’re about to see, was that a Joaquin Phoenix stand-in – a homeless man rendered virtually incoherent thanks to years of homelessness, alcohol abuse and screaming rabid insults at strangers – muttered a couple of slurry Kerry Katona-style sentences at a man holding a microphone, only to become utterly appalled when the man doesn’t take the news with the appropriate level of reverence.

Warning: what you’re about to watch might be the perfect thing that you’ve ever seen…

We’ve watched the Joaquin Phoenix retirement announcement more times than we care to remember now, and we still can’t quite pick the moment that best defines Joaquin Phoenix’s berserk ego. Here’s a handful of favourites, in no particular order:

1) “Ready, man in suit? This is an exclusive. An EXCLUSIVE! Your kids will be put through college by the exclusive profundity of what you’re about to hear.”

2) The look on Joaquin Phoenix’s face when the interviewer dares to actually touch him. “Don’t you know who I am?” it says. “I’m Joaquin Phoenix from movies like Ladder 49 and 8MM. Only supermodels and anointed saints are allowed to touch me!”

3) “It’s Casey’s time now.” You hear that, world? It’s Casey Affleck’s time now! For I, Joaquin Phoenix from Brother Bear, must retire from the spotlight of critically-ignored commercial failures to allow Ben Affleck’s little brother a go. I am so very, very gracious.

4) Joaquin Phoenix’s face at the 0:42 mark. We can’t work out if he’s thinking “How dare you laugh in the face of Joaquin Phoenix from that Mel Gibson film about the spooky aliens!” or whether he’s looking back and hoping for an apology, or whether he’s realised that quitting acting to concentrate on his music is perhaps the stupidest thing that any human being has ever done in all of history. All three, we think.

Still, at least now we’ve seen what Joaquin Phoenix looked like when he made his announcement, we can get more of a handle on what he meant by saying that he wanted to focus more on his music. Half past eight tomorrow morning outside Woolworths with a tatty three-stringed guitar it is. Don’t be late now.

And, as we speak, that gormless-looking, vaguely past-it American blonde dimwit happens to be Britney Spears, with her shiny hair and lovely big desperate-looking eyes. That’s not great news for Christina Aguilera, who also happens to be a gormless-looking, vaguely past-it American blonde dimwit. She’s got a new album coming out soon! Grr!

But Christina Aguilera is nothing if not resourceful, and so to promote her new video Keeps Gettin’ Better she’s decided to become a gormless-looking, vaguely past-it American purple-haired dimwit instead. That’s fiendishly clever of Christina Aguilera – so fiendishly clever that it almost made us forget that the song is dreadful. Almost. Video after the jump.

Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera both started off in the same place career-wise – as Mickey Mouse’s fluffer on some kid’s TV show we never watched – but following that, they both shot off in different directions. Christina Aguilera rebelled against society by getting her bum and and dreadlocking her hair, and then she had a baby with her successful record executive husband. Meanwhile Britney Spears had a baby with a dancer who looks like he smells and then rebelled against society by getting her minge out and shaving all her hair off.

Our point is that, despite the twists and turns of their careers, Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears have ended up back in the same place. No, exactly the same place. Really. They’ve more or less released the exact same song within weeks of each other.

Britney Spears, of course, released her number one smash hit Womanizer, notable for its unusual resemblance to I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry. And now Christina Aguilera is preparing to release Keeps Gettin’ Better, a single notable for its unusual resemblance to I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry.

But they’re different, honestly, because in the video to Womanizer Britney Spears went from blonde to brunette, whereas in the video to Keeps Gettin’ Better Christina Aguilera goes from blonde to even more blonde to purple to a sort of gimpy Catwoman thing that seems precision engineered to make people stop finding Christina Aguilera attractive. Look…

Convinced? Us neither, really. Perhaps if Christina Aguilera had a full-scale meltdown that was harrowingly carried out in public, everyone would lower their expectations enough to like it. Maybe you should think about that before you bring out your next CD, Christina.

And also, while we appreciate that Keeps Gettin’ Better is a nod towards the state of your career, it’s not exactly accurate as it stands. That’s why we want you to change the title of the single to Got Better, Then Got Worse, Then Dressed As A Woman Out Of The War, Now Nobody Cares. History will thank you for it.

This week? We don’t know what to say. Seriously, people … we’ve got nothing. Other than to say this is the oddest thing we have ever linked to. Ever.

Just watch.

However, some crazy old idiots got upset at Ringo Starr’s recent request for his fans to stop sending him stuff, so he’s decided to clarify his confusing little outburst. You see, Ringo Starr only wants you to stop sending him stuff because it hurts the environment and objects he signs only end up being hawked on eBay anyway.

Ringo’s quick decision to clear up the mess he made should be applauded – now we know that he doesn’t hate his fans, just the fans who like buying his autographs on the internet. And now we can also be sure that it really was Ringo Starr in that video earlier this week, rather than the melted underpowered robot of a kestrel in sunglasses that we assumed we were watching.

Ringo Starr might just be having the worst year of his life. Firstly Ringo Starr released a song to commemorate Liverpool’s status as the European city of culture, but the problems with it were twofold – firstly the song actually sounded like it was slagging Liverpool off a bit, and secondly he sung it in the style of a sad wounded ox.

To make matters worse, Ringo Starr then decided to promote the song by storming off an American TV show, telling Jonathan Ross that he didn’t really like Liverpool anyway and just generally infuriating people enough to behead topiary representations of him.

But Ringo’s worst moment came this week when, for reasons that we don’t even think he knows himself, he decided to post a video on his website asking fans to stop sending him fanmail all the bloody time.

At the time, Ringo’s justification for this was that he had “too much to do” to reply to fanmail. Oh really Ringo? You’re a 68-year-old millionaire who hits things for a living. What could you possibly have to do, apart from wait for the nice Meals On Wheels lady to bring you some more toad in the hole? You’re not trying to write the long-awaited follow-up to Octopus’s Garden, are you? Are you? Because, if you are, you really don’t need to. Really.

However, possibly because he was spooked by the hip young whippersnapper giving him hell on Sky News on Tuesday night, Ringo Starr has decided to hone his argument a little bit more. Rolling Stone reports:

The ban on fan mail was “in direct response to an inordinate amount of items which have recently appeared for sale on e-bay, and to those that repeatedly send cards and items to be signed.” Starr also felt all the mail was “a waste of paper and we all should be mindful of our carbon footprint… Please read this in a mellow way. Peace and love, Ringo.”

Thank goodness Ringo Starr reminded us to read the statement in a mellow way. Up until that point we were shouting it furiously in a dense Hungarian accent, so it hardly made any sense to us.

Anyway, let’s hope that this new statement clears up all the misconceptions about Ringo Starr’s original video. We’re sure that it hasn’t affected his real fans’ opinions of him at all, because we get the feeling that Ringo Starr’s fans are either dead or too stupid to work out that computers aren’t just sealed-shut microwaves.

And we say that with peace and love, which we think means you’re not allowed to get shitty about it.

Ringo is a translator, reaching up into the heavens, jotting what he finds there for all of humanity to hear. His mind is a seed from which entire musical forests spring forth. He possibly has the most vital job that has ever been.

That’s why it’s essential that everyone finally leave him alone once and for all, and for Pete’s sake stop sending him stamped envelopes pleading for things like autographs and 40-year-old rusty Beatles memorabilia. He’s far too busy to respond, he’s fed up.

He’s basically said as much on a new video his website is hosting. No really, he has.

If you’re a fan, Ringo Starr has nothing against you. Sure, sometimes he thinks of you and all the ways you impede on his time, but really he doesn’t completely hate you.

Yet.

But if you don’t stop acting so dumb really, really soon, he probably will hate you. And you don’t want that. Seriously, imagine him writing a song with the same melody as Octopus’s Garden, but all the lyrics are about maggots eating your flesh as it falls to the floor after you spring a trap he ingeniously set to splash you all over with Drano, Lime-Away and broken glass from your Mama’s back door.

Like we said – you don’t want that.

Keep that in mind – especially now that he’s given fair warning. According to the online version of the Sydney Morning Herald:

“Former Beatle Ringo Starr has posted a bizarre video of “peace and love” on his website saying he has had enough of fan mail and people seeking autographs. The Fab Four drummer’s 44-second rant pleaded for fans to leave him alone and said he doesn’t have time to sort through his mail box anymore. “This is a serious message. I want to tell you please, after the 20th of October do not send fan mail to any address you have. Nothing will be signed. If that has a date on the envelope it’s gonna be tossed, I’m warning you with peace and love,” he said in the video titled Sorry, No More Signing Stuff.”

From what we heard the last straw was when he received a fake leg in the mail with a Sharpie and a request to make the calf-signature out to one H. Mills. Well we can relate to that completely. So far we have an entire attic full of Heather Mills hobble-wear, and apparently she keeps thinking that maybe we’ll sign the next one if she can just get it to us via an overnight shipper with a reliable package-tracking service.

Sorry Mills, after what you did to all those innocent baby seals, no can do.

For the record, we really don’t remember what she did to those little white seals – we just seem to recall her name loosely associated with them.

Watch Ringo’s weird video right here:

But forget all that, because here’s the video for Britney Spears’ new single Womanizer and – guess what – Britney’s naked in it. What? Oh, for God’s sake, can’t you at least pretend to look interested?

Remember when the thought of seeing Britney Spears naked was sort of exciting? It was a long time ago, granted, and now that same thought probably inspires the sort of queasy fear you experience when you know you’re about to be attacked by a mad red-eyed old bald lunatic clutching an umbrella, but it was there once.

Still, the fact alone that Britney Spears dared to go nude for the Womanizer video should give you some inclination about how seriously Britney is taking her comeback. She apparently lost 10lb for the naked videoshoot by going teetotal, and you know someone means business when they do something for a video that they probably should have done about a year ago before their kids got taken away from them, don’t you.

The title says it all – it’s everyone’s favourite slaphead and chocolate monkey drummer getting beaten to a pulp by an old wrestler who looks like he may have overdone the steroids and/or children’s face paint.

It really is as simple as that. We don’t know where this clip has come from or why it has been made. But we can proudly say that it will be the best three minutes and seven seconds that you’ll ever waste watching pointless internet nuggets. If you can explain this to us, please do so. Smoke is starting to come from our brains. God damn that pesky Phil Collins.

He’s good at swimming, isn’t he? And – boy – does he ever have a lot of gold medals.

Sorry. We’re trying our hardest to think of something amusing to say about the record-breaking Olympic champion, but to be honest we just came up with a big list of puns like Phelp, I’m A Fish. And then slapped ourselves.

Instead of straining our imagination glands, then, we’re just going to show you a remarkable video. Many of you will have gawked in amazement at what Phelps eats for breakfast every day in order to keep his strength up … something in the region of sixty million billion calories (or a ‘Chris Moyles’, as it’s known in the business). No-one has ever tried eating the same amount in five minutes, though.

Apart from this man.

But until the day when he inevitably ends up fronting that show – working title Diddy: It’s Both Oblivious And Obnoxious – we all have to put up with him spouting off endlessly about whatever subjects happen to be ambiently passing through his brain all the time like some sort of dreary old pensionable pub bore, but gangsta.

This time, Diddy has turned his sights on newly-named Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. Diddy’s not a fan of Sarah Palin, you see – it’s all because Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska and “there aren’t even any crackheads in Alaska.” We’re not joking. We wish we were. Oh, there’s video after the jump, too.

Historians are going to look back on the day when Diddy discovered YouTube and declare it the exact day that the human race started to go wrong. Sure, it had been bad before, what with all the death and war and sadness and whatever, but at least we didn’t have video footage of the man who did that Godzilla song having a piss while describing exactly why he enjoys pissing back then.

It’s not just urination that Diddy enjoys prattling on about on video – he’s also taken to the internet to praise his girlfriend for carrying his children right before he left her. Plus not so long ago Diddy recruited an assistant by posting a video on YouTube, which was a smart move – after all, his ideal candidate was an obese loner with terrible skin and a secret longing that humans could be as understanding as cats.

And now Diddy is using his fondness to push through a political message. It’s all because of Sarah Palin, you see - John McCain has announced her as his running mate in the upcoming election. Leaving aside the fact that seeing elderly white-haired John McCain and younger, marginally sexier Sarah Palin together is like watching a creepy remake of late 1980s ITV nightclub show The Hitman And Her, Sarah Palin has managed to get right up Diddy’s nose.

Why? Has Diddy seen through the seemingly transparent fact that Sarah Palin was only made VP to lure disappointed female Hillary Clinton supporters to the Republican party? No. Is he fundamentally opposed to Sarah Palin’s pro-life, pro-capital punishment worldview? No. Does he disagree with Sarah Palin’s decision to support a bill allowing wolves to be hunted from the sky? Not really.

In fact, Diddy seems most concerned that Sarah Palin comes from Alaska and not too many Alaskans are addicted to crack. Here’s the video…

You know what? It’s easy to mock, but Diddy actually makes some very good points. Michelle Obama really would have been a better choice of Republican vice presidential candidate because, as Diddy points out, it would have been more ’strategic and fly’ to do that. Let’s hope that John McCain sees sense and appoints Diddy as his Chief Strategy And Flyness Advisor. It’s a no-brainer, really – Diddy gets his long dreamed-of position of political power and John McCain gets, um, a nice pair of sunglasses or something.

Oh, and by the way Diddy – Sir Rock Obama? What are you, seven?

Read more:

P. Diddy’s ‘Diddy-Obama Blog’ slams McCain, Alaska – Monsters And Critics

With that in mind, if we were Solange Knowles we’d get a little bit tetchy with people who compare us to Beyonce. No, more than that, we’d actually throw an embarrassing full-on sulky tantrum on television if someone even said the name ‘Beyonce’ within earshot of us. We would. We’d look like total bellends doing it, and it’d probably harm our career quite profoundly, but a little thing like that wouldn’t stop us.

Funnily enough it wouldn’t stop Solange Knowles either. A hapless presenter on a local Las Vegas Fox entertainment show happened to mention Beyonce’s name just before a Solange Knowles interview yesterday, and Solange threw an incredible schoolmarmish hoity toity “Mer mer mer” prissy little tantrum at her for it.

Video footage? Why of course there’s video footage…

Imagine living your whole life in Beyonce’s shadow. Literally. Imagine literally living your whole life in the actual shadow cast by Beyonce’s giant arse. Imagine dragging your vitamin D-sapped body to school every day, bones aching and muscles spasming, only to hear Beyonce inform everyone that they’re not ready for her jelly while at the same time your jelly’s gone a bit stale and plasticy because it was ready for ages but nobody wanted it. Imagine that. Imagine exactly that.

It’d be rubbish – and it’s precisely what Solange Knowles has had to put up with for years – which probably explains why Solange has turned into such a cow about it.

For those not in the know, Solange Knowles is Beyonce’s little sister. She’s an actress, but not as successful as Beyonce. She’s a singer, but not as successful as Beyonce. She’s a model, but… yeah, you guessed.

So when Solage Knowles does something of her own, she doesn’t want it crushed by an association with her more successful sister. That’s why, according to reports, Solange’s people banned the media from mentioning Beyonce’s name at any point during the promotion of her new album.

Which clearly didn’t get back to the presenter of the presenter of a local Las Vegas Fox entertainment show, who happened to mention the B word during an introduction to an interview with Solange. Want to know what Solange did? Of course you do – here you go…

Our favourite bit of that video isn’t the stroppy little tantrum, or the way that a producer had to wade in midway through to clear the mess up – it was the way that Solange Knowles instantly clicked back into PR mode afterwards, describing her new album in a flat robot monotone with all the fizz of a pensioner trying to sell a bag of dust to a hatstand. Superb stuff.

Solange apparently hasn’t issued an apology or an explanation regarding her little flare-up, but she doesn’t really have to – in fact, in Solange really wants to set herself apart from Beyonce, then she should probably do it by being as abruptly aggressive as she can to everyone she meets.

Alternatively she could try the whole ‘being wildly less successful than her sister’ angle. That works as well.