When Joaquin Phoenix announced his retirement from acting, we have a hunch that he expected wailing, anguish and possibly a national day of mourning.
That’s not exactly what happened, though. Instead, what Joaquin Phoenix got was one slightly incredulous man in a suit who quickly collapsed into slightly unprofessional fits of helpless giggles upon hearing the news. And, as we all know, since Joaquin Phoenix has never done a single humorous thing in his entire life, the news didn’t go down particularly well.
We’ve got the incredible video footage of Joaquin Phoenix announcing his retirement from acting to the world’s least caring man after the jump. It’s funny, but be warned – if the apathetic reaction causes Joaquin Phoenix to reverse his decision and sign up for a sequel to The Village, we’re going to hunt that giggling man down like a dog.
We don’t know about you, but when we heard that Joaquin Phoenix was retiring from acting at the age of 34 this week, we conjured up something of a mental image. It involved a deliberate studio interview, or maybe even a press conference filled with respectful, hand-picked journalists who had previously championed Phoenix’s career.
The thing is, we literally couldn’t have been more wrong. What actually happened, as you’re about to see, was that a Joaquin Phoenix stand-in – a homeless man rendered virtually incoherent thanks to years of homelessness, alcohol abuse and screaming rabid insults at strangers – muttered a couple of slurry Kerry Katona-style sentences at a man holding a microphone, only to become utterly appalled when the man doesn’t take the news with the appropriate level of reverence.
Warning: what you’re about to watch might be the perfect thing that you’ve ever seen…
We’ve watched the Joaquin Phoenix retirement announcement more times than we care to remember now, and we still can’t quite pick the moment that best defines Joaquin Phoenix’s berserk ego. Here’s a handful of favourites, in no particular order:
1) “Ready, man in suit? This is an exclusive. An EXCLUSIVE! Your kids will be put through college by the exclusive profundity of what you’re about to hear.”
2) The look on Joaquin Phoenix’s face when the interviewer dares to actually touch him. “Don’t you know who I am?” it says. “I’m Joaquin Phoenix from movies like Ladder 49 and 8MM. Only supermodels and anointed saints are allowed to touch me!”
3) “It’s Casey’s time now.” You hear that, world? It’s Casey Affleck‘s time now! For I, Joaquin Phoenix from Brother Bear, must retire from the spotlight of critically-ignored commercial failures to allow Ben Affleck‘s little brother a go. I am so very, very gracious.
4) Joaquin Phoenix’s face at the 0:42 mark. We can’t work out if he’s thinking “How dare you laugh in the face of Joaquin Phoenix from that Mel Gibson film about the spooky aliens!” or whether he’s looking back and hoping for an apology, or whether he’s realised that quitting acting to concentrate on his music is perhaps the stupidest thing that any human being has ever done in all of history. All three, we think.
Still, at least now we’ve seen what Joaquin Phoenix looked like when he made his announcement, we can get more of a handle on what he meant by saying that he wanted to focus more on his music. Half past eight tomorrow morning outside Woolworths with a tatty three-stringed guitar it is. Don’t be late now.
Mike says
Alright, he was slightly douchey in his delivery (and his mouth moves like he just received anesthesia to the face), but I’ll never lose respect for the guy because he played the Emporer in Gladiator. All his sins are forgiven, he can become an obese druggy now and fall to the same predisposition for addiction that must’ve done his brother in. Gladiator is forever. My sons will watch it, my sons’ sons will watch it, and so on until the end of time, and they will all see Joaquin’s ability to turn a two-dimensional image into a three-dimensional man, even if he succeeded in that endeavor just once in his whole career.
gir says
HAHAHAhaha holy shit. That was awesome. And you missed the best part, Stu:
“Why are you laughing at me.”
while Casey Affleck’s penetrating stare tells the interviewer to watch out….You’ve just awakened the RATTLESNAKE
And Gladiator sucked in every possible way. The only thing it could possibly have been useful as is gay porno, and apparently Russel Crowe And Joaquin Phoenix aren’t professional enough to make that kind of commitment. Fags.
Francyn says
Hey! To the Idiot who wrote this story….Stuart Heritage ! You are really a cruel ignorant person. What in Hell have YOU ever done worth even an applause? Your writings are small potatoe internet articles, and it seems you have no life. For you to criticize a great actor like this, is clearly pathetic of you. When you are up for an acadamey award….then you can open your stupid ignorant mouth. Get a job, Stuart! I DARE you to print this!
Dr. X says
Hands up everyone who WASN’T in the film “Gladiator”. Extras don’t count.
Ok.
All of you are just talking smack, and Joaquin will still be cashing his royalties checks long after you and your sorry lot have been evicted from your wildly over-priced homes for not paying your wildly inflated mortgages.
Now then. A little empathy.
By now Joaquin has sobered up (maybe) from the obvious drug binge he was on that night and had to face that uncomfortable moment of realization we’ve all known: “Holy Sh*t… Did that really happen?”
We’ve all been there.
And we – as the responsible adults – need to know better than to take anyone serious while they’re tripping their balls off on Magic Mushrooms while being Whiskey-Drunk.
You Get Well, Joaquin.
Get well, brother.
gir says
Francyn and Dr. X are just irritated that they rented Gladiator expecting the gay porn it was obviously meant to be and were left with blue balls.
powrnurs38 says
What in the world was that? I have loved Joaquin since he was in Space Camp and everything since then. He obviously had too much to drink or something. Casey wasn’t much better. They seemed to have trouble w/ the English language. Joaquin probably regrets making those comments.
By the way, Gladiator was one of my favorite movies of all time! Are you not entertained?!?
Alex Szeliga says
It’s funny how everyone has decided to skirt his performance in Walk the Line. He was spot on, and his acting was great. I am not trying to herald the trumpets and fly flags at half staff or anything, but I think the villain here is the interviewer having no idea what to do when his normal “Entertainment Tonight” demeanor doesn’t make sense in the situation he’s found himself in.
gir says
Walk the Line? Yeah, it must have really been hard for Joaquin to get into the role of a boozed-up drug-addicted egotistical mess. I wonder how he ever managed it.
neens says
The writer of this article is clueless. Joaquin is a dedicated actor and I respect him a lot. He feels like he wants a new path so be it…he has had great movies and of course there are movies that have been so so…EVERY actor has them. I will miss him on the big screen I always look forward to seeing him in movies…when an actor can make me feel so strongly towards a character he/she is playing they have my vote….he was fantastic in Walk the Line and in Gladiator he was phenonmenal as Commodus in my opinion. The interviewer was a jerk…regardless if its big news or not he was given information that had not yet been disclosed and that is what he did…laugh in his face…what an idiot…find a new job buddy!
Andrew says
:S What the hell…? That was incomprehensible crap!
Nina says
Look…the news is shocking and some people don’t know how to deal with “shocking” news…especially news that someone…not just anyone…Joaquin Phoenix…is deciding to call it quits. I think the interviewer thought he was being PUNK’d FOR SURE….and after watching it a second and third time I got the feel that “Casey” was improvising a response and “acting”…altho I do believe that JP has decided to take a break…hopefully a short one :)…I don’t think that I would have taken JP seriously either…so there! I don’t think the interviewer was rehearsed to break such an exclusive. Anyway, I am sure there will be a more formal announcement/discussion to follow…as there should be!
robyn says
He seems quite pissed off thinking that he’s not serious in the video of ‘E!’ I’m suprised infact he even payed any attention after his death of Joaquin’s brotehr, River.
This is the first article I’ve ever seem him being reffered to the voice of ‘Kenai’ in Brother Bear its usually the ‘walk the line’ star or ‘two lovers’ or summin anyway what if his career as a musician isn’t succesful will he just deny it or was he just not serious.
Alex says
Anyone else notice that JP is sportin’ the Vincent Chase beach look from the first episode this season?
bcock22 says
thank you so much. That was hilarious, I have never been able to stomach that prick. Thank god he has finally exposed himself as a douche(something I always knew he was). Now, if only the same thing could happen to Vince(sooo not funny) Vaugn, the world would be such a better place.
Josh H says
When did he claim to have won academy awards?
Grow up, Celebrities and Actors have every right to be criticised, especially when they are supposedly role models.
Joaquin appears to be spoilt and attention seeking.
If Johnny Depp turned round in an interview and said im giving up acting to become a songwriter. I probably would’ve laughed beacause you’d genuinely think it was a joke.
I had comeplete respect for Joaquin up untill half a year back
Now would everyone hop off his god damn D***#
Lilah says
I think JP is a great actor and great guy. He’s also a very eccentric person and somewhat socially uncomfortable at times but that doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. You don’t even know him personally, so judging him harshly is just low. Are you nothing but a typical tabloid bully? None of us are perfect and obviously he’d had something to drink or whatever at the time. I’d feel weird too, if someone just started laughing and asking me over and over if I was serious.
Really, why do people get off on this shit (putting down others they don’t even know)?