Ka-loo ka-lay everyone! It’s almost the end of the week, and just like Lenny Henry tells us on those awful hotel adverts, it’s almost time for the weekend. And what’s a weekend all about? Going out, getting trashed and generally being like those pesky kids from Skins, sitting around in your pants as much as you can in 48 hours.

It’s what sets us aside from the animals y’know. They can’t figure out the little hole bit for willies.

It’d be remiss, and frankly irresponsible of us, as your favourite website of all time ever in the history of Google, to not keep you occupied between your next bottle of something fizzy or yeasty. It’d be like the 1994 film, Baby’s Day Out. You clearly can’t be left to your own devices can you? Sometimes, just sometimes, you actually make us sorry to know you.

So, like sheep to a machine that would slice their throat and ceremoniously bleed them to death, ready to be skinned, chopped and packaged in cellophane for your delectation, this is what you should be watching over the upcoming weekend. Make sure you do watch it mind, there’ll be a quiz afterwards and we wouldn’t want you to look like a dick.

Friday

Martina Cole’s Lady Killers, ITV3, 9:00pm

Serial killers are big business. Knock up a book with a feisty female detective and a particularly gruesome killer and you could be on the Richard and Judy Summer Booklist; a heady accolade indeed. Reading about the reasons behind notorious killings can be entertaining for two reasons: to better understand the human condition and what drives it to such depraved extremes, and to get tips to pull off the perfect crime spree.

So to help us all in our rampages crime writer Martina Cole has created this series about six of the most notorious female killers in history. Tonight is the turn of Myra Hindley. Which is slightly by-the-by to be honest, because the star of the show is Cole herself, who is the exact opposite of what you’d expect a crime writer to be. She’s essentially a female Phil Mitchell. Gruffer than chewing a plate full of pebbles and more mannish than Fatima Whitbread, this woman is something great. Believe.

How The Brits Rocked America: Go West, BBC4, 9:00pm

How great is music from the 60s please?

We could’ve just left our look at BBC4’s Friday night of documentaries at that, because you’re probably already sold and setting your Sky+, but that would be bad journalism and that’s something we strive not to do at HS. Sometimes it just gets away from us, mainly due to Chris Brown saying and doing such stupid things.

The first episode is a new series looking at how British brands broke the illustrious US market in the 60s. So there’ll be lots of footage of The Beatles. Followed up by the also-rans that are The Hollies, Herman’s Hermits and The Animals. With contributions by Sir Paul McCartney, Peter Noone, Donovan and Micky Dolenz, this will be a lovely reminiscent look at an era that changed music forever. Swinging.

Saturday

TOTP2: The 60s, BBC2, 23:35pm

Not only content with watching almost every minute of The Beatles’ career last night, you can also see what else was going on during the 60s in this brain friendly summing up of the main songs to come from the 1960s. So we’re looking at Beat music, the opening shots of the British Invasion, some of the greatest blues music of all time, and psychedelia. We dare you to watch this and not feel a) completely at ease with yourself afterwards, and b) want to cave something sharp into Ed Sheeran’s face for ruining music for everyone.

Look forward to seeing Cilla Black, Dusty Springfield, Tom Jones, Sandie Shaw* (with no shoes probably) and Fleetwood Mac, and literally slatherings of Eurovision.

Airline: The Story Of Pan Am, BBC2, 10:00pm

Pan Am. A name synonymous with glamour and a woman knowing her place, that being at a man’s beckon call. It means a lot of things, to a lot of people. Clever people who know things like history and economy. And luckily for you dense collections of cells, they’ve made a lovely documentary for you to stick your telly balls at. Generous, generous people, them at the BBC. Find out how Pan Am kick started a new age of travel and managed to shrink the World, and made jaunty hats the absolute bee’s knees. Also, Honor Blackman narrates it. She was in The Upper Hand, so that’s got to count for something. It had a McGann in it.

Sunday

The Only Way Is Essex, ITV2, 10:00pm

The hecklerspray bedsit is literally a-buzz this weekend. But aside from the boiler that we can’t afford to get fixed, it’s because we’re all excited about the return of the The Only Way Is Essex in our lives. We love it. The way that they’re all vacuous, spunk trumpets keeps us so entertained week after week.

It’s all go down Essex way with Mark Wright, Harry Derbridge, Kirk Norcross, Maria Fowler and those arseholes Greek twins hanging up their Tanfastic clubcards and handing the reins of crazy orange madness to a massive twelve new cast members. Not much is known about the new additions, because they’ve only recently being let out of their test tubes for filming, but one is bezzie with Rochelle Wiseman, who professionally blows the tall one from JLS, and the other is best friend of Joey Essex. A man so unusually retarded that even dogs can pick things up faster than him. He’s got the intelligence of an orange. Bunch of pricks; entertaining, self hating pricks.

The TV Book Club, More4, 7:10pm

Panel shows are dreadful aren’t they? The way that they are almost exclusively populated by male comedians thinking that they are the funniest people on the planet even though it’s only differing versions of Hugh Dennis and Russell Howard. And the way that they are edited to within an inch of their existence by overzealous producers is sickening. It makes us physically sick. We have to have the sick bucket next to us whenever we attempt to watch Mock The Week.

The TV Book Club is different to the tired format which the BBC wank themselves rare over, and there’s a new series starting on More4, with new Caroline Quentin and Meera Syal joining regular hosts Dave Spikey (urgh) and Laila Rouass (indifferent) to talk about S.J. Watson’s ‘Before I Go To Sleep.’ And without a boss eyed splat of jizz in sight.

* HS FACT: Despite already being called the fantastically geographical Sandy Shore, she wanted to take it to the next level and snared fashion designer and Clothes Show megastar Jeff Banks, and became…DUN DUN DERR…Sandie Banks. FAS-CI-NA-TING.

Life is hard for many people for much of the time. But we all deal with it in different ways. Some people take solace in religion; placing their happiness in never seeing a ghost. They’d rather have a piece of toast and watch the evening news. Those people are idiots and mediocre ’90s pop stars.

Some people turn to alcohol or narcotics, like many a disgraced celebrity or role model. Would it surprise you to hear that a member of the hecklerspray bedsit likes to drink a bath of gin before singing the chorus from ‘I Know Him So Well’ from the musical Chess? Would it surprise you that it’s Matthew Laidlow?

Whereas some people get happy by watching television and seeing that no matter how hard life can be; unemployment is at record high, there’s cruise liners capsizing and you’ll never be good enough for your partner, but no matter how hard life can be, you’ll still be better than the people you’ll see on TV. Fat Pat carking it? You’re better than her. Not sure which of 12 potential men is the father of your child? You’re better than her. Women chef overcooked her souffles and is now having a massive breakdown? You’re better than her as well.

Allow us to show you the best things that is going on in the World of TV. Or not. Maybe you’d like to go back to having an awful life.

Perhaps you like feeling sorry for yourself.

Well we’ll not be having that, so be on your way. Read on if you want to be a happy and healthy individual, or entertained.

Friday

Paul Simon: Live At Webster Hall, New York, Friday, BBC Four, 9:00pm

Everyone has a soft spot for Simon & Garfunkel. Where would we be without ‘Bright Eyes’ instilling a fear of angry looking rabbits. Or ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’ reminding us how completely awful Stephen Gateley’s solo career was. And ‘Homeward Bound’ being the theme tune to anyone’s long train journey home. Well the terrorists would’ve won wouldn’t they? And we don’t want that now do we. Simon and Garfunkel shaped the way that normal people view music, we wouldn’t have most of the folk output if they hadn’t been maudlin folk heroes.

This show, admittedly has 100% less Garfunkel than what we would like, but still contains 100,000% (that’s Jeremy Kyle maths there kids) of Paul Simon. Recorded in June 2011, just seven whole months ago, following his ‘So Beautiful or So What’. Expect lots of songs that you’ve not heard before, but at the same time some of the biggest hits that Simon has pumped into the public consciousness, like a giant vacuum of fart. Will Ladysmith Black Mambazo appear? Like we’d spoil that for you. What do you think we are? Monstrous layabouts with nothing else to do but tell you the current whereabouts of Ladysmith Black Mambazo?

If you like that sort of thing, BBC Four has a whole night dedicated to the giants of folk as well.

Al Murray: Giving It Both Barrels, Friday, Dave, 9:00pm

Enjoy having your intelligence insulted by an overweight man who takes on the persona so unpleasant that even Jeremy Clarkson would be calling the Daily Mail in complaint, after asking everyone “What do you call and Indian with bacon on his head?” Do you like people who make jokes about being the slightest bit effeminate? Or liking drinks that aren’t created from some horrible yeasty nonsense? No, us either.

But if you do want to sit, staring incredulously at the screen for an hour and a half and think “Christ on a trike, isn’t this dated” then this is definitely for you. Listen to Al Murray as he dusts off his tired persona of the Pub Landlord and shouts at people in the audience, while drinking something called stout and talking about how Britain is different from what it might have been a few decades ago. Watch as the realisation that he’s never going to find a career peak as high as this never dawns over his face. Smell the awful beer farts and Lynx Africa from the losers in the audience.

Saturday

The Magicians, Saturday, BBC One, 6:35pm

We at the Hecklerspray bedsit, love magic. We spend literally hours trying to make coins disappear behind each other’s ears. It’s got to the stage where otorhinolaryngologists at our local A&E know us each by name. We love it so much that at a Christmas party, a magician stole our watch from right under our nose and we let him keep it as a thank you. The trick was that the watch was stolen all along. Take that Magic Mick!

So as you can imagine, we have been thrilled with all these magic based entertainment shows that everyone has been ramming down our throats. But The Magicians is slightly different because it isn’t just a vanilla trot-out-make-a-girl-disappear-who-then-turns-up-dead-in-a-canal-later-that-night. This one has professional magicians (apparently there’s more than Paul Daniels and Dynamo) taking celebrities under their wings and teaching them to do tricks of their own. Sounds like something The Magic Circle would get their removable knickers in a twist, but whatevs. This week there’s one half of Mel & Sue, Mel, David Haye and Kimberley Wyatt, who we’re reliably told used to be in the Pussycat Dolls, but obviously she’s not Nicole Sherzinger so no one cares.

The Jonathan Ross Show, Saturday, ITV 1, 9:15pm

Like him or not, Jonathan Ross is still going strong after his misdemeanors with Russell Brand and David Cameron, and has had success with his ITV chatshow. Tonight’s show has Famous Harry Potter Penis, Daniel Radcliffe spouting various guff about the theatre and how it’s a living, breathing organism as well as ‘The Woman In Black’ which is the new film he’s peddling; Noel Fielding talks about his new show ‘Luxury Comedy’ and David Attenborough blows a kidney telling everyone that the scenes from Frozen Planet which everyone got into a right tizz about might have been faked after all, but that’s alright because it’s the better alternative than being ripped open by angry polar bears.

Sunday

Hugh’s Three Hungry Boys, Sunday, Channel Four, 7:00pm

What’s worse than a self-opinionated nancy chef advocating oven-dried tomatoes and pallet squashed chicken? Three of that chef’s proteges. Which is precisely what this is. Following the progress of Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall’s three friends, Thom, Tim and Trevor Whittington Smythe Rara Oopsilon the Third, Fourth and Fifth, as they travel around South West England, foraging off the ground that they walk on, and probably own. Unashamedly scripted, and not even that convincing, the rise of faux-danger is making cooking programmes into one homogenous blur, presented by the same person but with different haircuts. “Will they get the sourbread to the Orthodox rabbi by sundown?” “How is she going to manage to make twelve scones in three hours, while balancing on a thin strip of rope and reciting Pi?” One time Mary Berry defeated a whole ship of ravaging pirates, and still managed to deliver a chocolate truffle torte to the head of Westminster’s WI.

Ben Elton: Laughing At The 80s, Sunday, Channel Four, 11:40pm

Have you seen the awful one off comedy shows on BBC One that are attempting to remind people that Lenny Henry, Jasper Carrott and Griff Rhys exist still? They’re very bad indeed. But those cheap one off specials do remind us of one thing; comedy in the 80s was sometimes really fantastic. Which is just what this documentary looks at. Which you can probably tell. You’re not stupid are you?

Presented by Ben Elton, who obviously co-wrote The Young Ones and Blackadder, who meets some of the biggest names in alternative comedy, so expect to hear funny things from Harry Enfield, Jimmy Tarbuck, Rik Mayall, Victoria Wood, French and Saunders and maybe some seagull noises from Lenny Henry. Has anyone figured out what that’s about? No wonder Dawn French wants nothing to do with him.

It’s not every day that someone will dedicate literally minutes of their time watching upcoming things on TV to tell you whether what they’ve watched is good, not so good, or the equivalent of getting your toes stapled and then having aforementioned staples removed by the blind nuns that secretly made Kate Middleton’s wedding dress while they sloppily down pints of homemade lemonade.

No-one takes the time to sit down and tell us what’s actually good, and more appropriately what has the most emotional resonance and character development in it; instead it’s just flash in the pan reactions to developments in the soaps or whatever drama is getting the Daily Mail’s “We’re Not Racist But…” full brief pantaloons in a twist. Or even what coke snorting gnome, Frankie Cocozza is up to. TV is important business everybody! It teaches children how to read and speak, as well as to fear larger women who have chandelier earrings and make-up like Salvador Dali.

Actually, scratch that. There’s a reason no-one spends the time to dissect episodes of Outnumbered or whatever nauseating  film Channel 4 stick on at daft o’clock. It’s a waste of time. So allow us, dear hecklerspray readers, to guide you through the perilous TV guide and point out what you should, or shouldn’t be watching this weekend.

FRIDAY

Hustle, BBC One, Friday, 13th January, 9pm

The final series of The Hustle is eventually upon us. And it’s inevitably raised some questions. Will the team sail off into the sunset with funds stolen from someone else’s bank account? Will Jamie Murray follow her dad, Billy Murray, into the Injury Lawyers 4 U adverts, or possibly the sequel to Strippers vs Werewolves? Will Matt Di Angelo become anything other than a blight on British drama? Well the answers to all these questions will be revealed eventually as the team take on the big business of dieting pills and even attempt a gold heist. Sounds dreadful doesn’t it?

Candyman: Farewell To The Flesh, Channel 4, Friday 13th January, 12.05am

Okay, strictly speaking, it’s on Saturday… but SHUT UP. Anyway, bad slasher films make or break a Friday night don’t they; and this one is particularly unpleasant. The sequel to 1992’s Candyman, this time the Candyman goes on holiday to New Orleans just in time for the boob baringly brilliant Mardi Gras. Seems like a great addition to the National Lampoon franchise doesn’t it? Well it’s not as grim as that, it would never have been passed through the BBFC with a racist lynch mob with added bees and Chevy Chase’s gurning facade. And there’s even an Agatha Christie style family mystery which helps the film trudge along slightly (and something for the women, am I right men?). But there’s still lots of blood and hot hook-on-man action if that doesn’t take your fancy. It’s not a great film, but we’d like to see you do better. Go on. We’ll wait.

SATURDAY

Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer, Channel 4, Saturday 14th January, 7.45pm

Comic book films are big business, with more and more getting greenlit by greedy movie studios. Some are good; Kick Ass, X-Men: First Class, 12 Angry Men (where one is The Punisher), whereas some are like cancerous limpets on the successful cash cow. This is a particularly big limpet. It continues the story of Marvel’s Fantastic First Family and introduces the galactic hero of sorts The Silver Surfer and the supervillain, Galactus. Except it isn’t Galactus as you would want to see him, with big purple horns and planet sucking hoses. He lacks any sort of menacing presence. Or any physical presence at all in fact. He’s a giant purple cloud that has the same level of danger as a really noxious fart. A fart so heinous that it can strip wallpaper at thirty feet. A fart so disgusting that the time that it takes to dissipate will be given it’s own name; like the Dark Ages, or When Someone Shot Phil Mitchell And It Turned Out To Be Lisa Beale Even Though It Should Have Been Dan.

If you’ve nothing else to do, this could be a good way to kill a few hours, and you’ll learn how not to make a really awful superhero film. It does have Stan Lee so you can be making the most of that before he kicks his slippers off and goes to the great Avengers Tower In The Sky.

Borgen, BBC Four, Saturday 14th January, 9pm

When it comes to Danish drama, The Killing ruled the roost. Everyone wanted to be it. Topman even released a horde of jumpers over Christmas to cure the Sarah Lund shaped gap in the market. Wallander wishes it was The Killing. Well there’s a new kid in town, and that doesn’t mess around with making a jumper more famous than whatever is going on in the show (admit it, you’re thinking it too). This kid is one of those 1 in 10 kids that claims they’ve had a terrible childhood just because they didn’t get an iPhone for Christmas or was touched by their uncle that one which they won’t stop going on about. That kid is Borgen.

Set in and around the Christianborg Palaces, which is the Danish version of House of Lords and Parliament and Downing Street combined in one bomb friendly location, Borgen follows the not so hilarious exploits of Prime Minister Brigitte Nyborg. Think The Thick Of It but without the funny bits with a couple of crimes thrown in as well. Cerebral, subtitled and unashamedly clever, give it a whirl.

SUNDAY

Sherlock, BBC One, Sunday 15th January, 9pm

If you haven’t been watching this series of Sherlock then you should probably go and lock yourself in a room and forgot about continuing with what we call “living” because you’re completely wasting your life. We’ve all heard and read about Sherlock to such a degree that we’re not going to waste your ear time by repeating it; Stephen Moffatt, Benedict Cucumbersnatch, moving text on screen; blah blah blah. This is the last episode in a criminally short series, and it is a somewhat liberal adaptation of The Reichenbach Fall, which was originally called “The Final Problem” but that’s a bit genocidey and not really a perfect theme for Sunday night viewing. Even The Antiques Roadshow turns Nazi gold away.

“The Final Problem” was originally going to be the final Sherlock Holmes story; Conan Doyle wanted to spend some time catching up on Coronation Street and finishing his knitting. But public pressure forced him to take up his pen once more, but no one cares about that now. Could the final Sherlock result in the death of the titular character and his nemesis, the gorgeous Moriarty? Well only time will tell. If it was up to us, we would have Sherlock and Moriarty fall into the waterfall but be saved by a family of flying geese who take them to the Moon where they can start a new life together, away from the stresses and public opinion of gay relationships. Look at Cumberbatch’s face. Doesn’t he deserve some happiness? He looks like some carved his face out of chalk.

Call The Midwife, BBC One, Sunday 15th January, 8pm

If you’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing Cranford, Larkrise To Candleford or whatever Elizabeth Gaskell novel BBC is shilling as lazy Sunday night drama, then you’ll know what to expect here. Melodramatic women, forced nostalgia, and because it’s aimed at women (because it’s all about midwives) it’s going to mean that you’re mam and nan are going to be creaming whatever is left in their knickers over it. Total snoozefest for anyone with a Y chromosome.

Directed by the person to blame for Downtown Abbey, Julian Fellowes, Call The Midwife will be a hit for anyone who knows a woman of a certain age (read: old) who a) remembers life in the 50s, or b) yearns for a simpler existence where the most complicated thing a woman had to worry about was how to discreetly get her feminine hygiene products back into the house without being branded a harlot, strung up from the nearest police box and pelted with loafs of unleavened bread.

And that’s your lot you losers. We’ve got two films, and a shedload of drama for you to get your teeth stuck into, so don’t let us catch you on Twitter saying that there’s nothing on TV over the weekend.

And if nothing here takes your fancy, well I’m sure you can catch a repeat of My Family on Dave Ja Vu.

Click over for our stupid Celebrity Big Brother Liveblog! Keep hitting refresh because we’re idiots who can’t work things out! HURRAY! Things kick-off around 9pm when the hard liquor kicks in!

Right. That’s it. Big thanks to Kris for manning the twitter account. Follow hecklerspray and Kris’ personal account, as well as Editor Mof for more BB bile. We’re done here. Thanks to the 4 people who read along. We love to haaaate yoooou…

10.25pm Diva = Repeatedly saying the phrase ‘Welcome Pack’. For fuck’s sake.

10.23pm Fuck a duck indeed. Housemate given secret task on first night. How tedious.

10.22pm “It smells like brand new carpets.” Katona there, talk about her vagina.

10.21pm HERE COMES THE TWIST! WACO! WACO! WACO!

10.20pm When do those fuckers from HolyMoly (they’re owned by the same company as BB these days while we’re owned by chippy in Hull) come on telly? We want to seethe with jealousy at them, manifesting as undiluted hate.

10.18pm Our Kris is still gallantly manning the twitter feed despite being so drunk that he’s made George Best’s ghost cry.

10.16pm A Big Brother twist? They’re going to recreate Waco and get the FBI to set it on fire with everyone in while Charlton Heston shouts at them pretending to be God Almighty?

10.15pm Tiger coat. Panda shoes. Is it an endangered ensemble?

10.14pm We were going to make a joke about Jedward losing their virginity, but they’ve invariably already lost it. To each other.

10.12pm Just wait ’til Big Brother splits these little odious turds up. You know damn well it’s going to happen. There’ll be tears.

10.11pm There you go! NEW HOUSEMATE! SIAMESE TWINS, JEDWARD!

10.10pm Bobby Sabel. So famous that a) He doesn’t have a Wikipedia page. b) Tara didn’t tell him the door story.

10.08pm GO ON BRIAN! GET HIM WANKED!

10.07pm Bobby Sabel? NEW HOUSEMATE WHO WE’VE NEVER HEARD OF! Oh put your knickers back on you disgusting perverts.

10.06pm Has Paddy been arrested for punching all of Tara Reid’s teeth out?

10.04pm “A panicked runner just discovered all of Tara Reid’s consonants in her dressing room” says Laurence on Twitter

10.01pm Two more? That’d be Jedward then? Oh god, we hope so. Imagine. Imagine Tara Reid‘s stroke face trying to compute those little bastards. She’ll think it’s like a Dr Seuss book has come to life! She’ll sleep with her eyes open as a result. Jedward will break her. Then spitroast her.

10pm How many more of these divs have we got to go in?

9.58pm How much polyfiller has been used on Mrs Hoff’s face since she did that interview?

9.57 NEW HOUSEMATE! PAMELA! IT’S PAMMY! No. Not Pamela Anderson! IT’S THE HOFF’S WIFE! NO! WE’VE NEVER SEEN HER EVER EITHER! AND WE’RE PAID TO PAY ATTENTION TO THESE NO MARKS!

9.56 To be nice for once, Brian Dowling looks like he’s been doing this for years doesn’t he? The Mint trained him well.

9.54 On Twitter, Kris points out this out at  Lucian Thundercunt “David Beckham gave me the inspiration to be an actor.” You DO know he’s a footballer, right?”

9.52 Lucian Laviscount. That’s who it is. We all know now don’t we? Nope. Either way, he will absolutely end up rubbing his long, thin penis up the back of Amy Childs while she sleeps.

9.50pm A NEW HOUSEMATE! IT’S LUCIAN LOVINGCUNT OR SOMETHING!

9.49pm THOSE MASSIVE LEGS AGAIN!

9.46pm Sorry. What in fuck’s name is the new Haribo commercial about? Someone should be taken to a public square and flogged to death for that. No, sod that. Everyone involved – including the children – should be whipped with bike chains.

9.44pm It’s going to be great when half of this lot fall off the wagon. Sadly, no-one will be watching by this point. Oh well.

9.42pm “I’m going to stir it up a bit” or, as it’s know, get picked on by younger, more spiteful minor celebrities.

9.40pm NEW HOUSEMATE – SALLY BERCOW (us neither)

9.38pm The look of terror on Amy Childs’ face on seeing Lyons is brilliant. She knows he’s got her over a barrel. Who’s she been humping? (Who hasn’t she been shagging etc)

9.36pm Hopefully, Mr Paparazzi will have some amazing shit on everyone. Hopefully, Five will have the nuts to actually air it. And listen to the boos from the very people who line his bastard pockets. Stupid piss cloths.

9.35pm NEW HOUSEMATE ALERT! DARREN LYONS! HE’S A MASSIVE TWAT!

9.33pm “it appears that she’s [Tara Reid] speechless with rage. Or is that the tranquilizers?” says ‘sprays number one fan Alexandra

9.31pm What are the odds of a sexual assault having already taken place in the BB House? Too far?

9.30pm “Trust Amy Childs to be the only person in the UK who knows who Paddy is without being told” says our Kris on twitter. He’s actually doing really well for someone who is watching a football match at the same time.

9.26pm Look at this fucking gargoyle. YOU. You created her. Not us. YOU. You bastards.

9.25pm ANOTHER STINKING HOUSEMATE – AMY FROM THE ONLY WAY IS ESSEX

9.25pm “A note to the police. Paddy Doherty is now of a fixed abode. You know what to do.” says our twitter account

9.21pm OOOOH! Paddy Doherty! We see now. He won’t last long, unless he knocks someone out. Which he will. Then he’ll cry like a big bitch. Do travellers even have landlines so they can vote for him?

9.20pm NEW HOUSEMATE – Mthmnem Nmmnamnth

9.15pm Okay. So we know that the immense git that is Mr Paparazzi will be going in with his stupid pink hair and face like a withered ankle. But Baywatch star? It won’t be Pamela Anderson. Erika Elenak (or whatever she’s called) surely? Jedward are, of course, in the house. We told you that yesterday.

9.14pm Nice to see Tara and Kerry getting on with each other. NOT (possibly not the last Wayne’s World joke we’ll make here)

9.13pm Jesus. Tara Reid is about as warm as Robert Pattinson‘s cock in an ice-pop.

9.11pm Didn’t Tara Reid just get married? What a shitty honeymoon if so. A fellow viewer is already hoping to see “her weird boobs”.

9.10pm SECOND HOUSEMATE – TARA REID

9.08pm Over at our twitter account, it says: “As if she wasn’t annoying enough, she’s got Swagger Jagger as her entrance music. If she was a wrestler she’d be gone after a week.”

9.07pm Kerry Katona there, saying she’s shat herself. Great. This is going to be hugely jarring. And listen! It’s Swagger Jagger as well, just to rub shit-caked glass into our already open wound.

9.06pm FIRST HOUSEMATE – KERRY KATONA

9.05pm The Big Brother crowd there, cheering at furniture. The stupid dicks.

9.03pm Nice that Marcus Bentley got his job back. It really couldn’t be done by anyone else could it? Dowling is rather likeable too. That said, give us a couple of minutes and we’ll be spitting bile at him.

9pm Here we go! The prick factory turns its cogs again!

8.59pm WHAT WERE THOSE LEGS ABOUT?!

8.58pm *sings* She’s got Betty Davis’ chin…

8.57pm DON’T GET EXCITED! THAT’S A FUCKING ORDER! We’ve got a stupid news bulletin first.

8.52 Did anyone else see Dom Littlethingy on Through The Keyhole, mournfully talking about how desperately single he is and how he might move to New York? Yeah. Like the dating scene in NYC isn’t ferocious and keenly fought.

8.48pm New Cowboy Builders may have dramatic music, but we’re really, really not feeling it here. Dom Littlewhatsit is about as frightening as a kitten being kissed by a butterfly.

8.46 Okay. Now we’ve turned over. New Cowboy Builders eh? Five are really spoiling us tonight aren’t they? Still, nice of Brian Dowling to show up in the adbreak and get cut off before he’s finished speaking. It’s just like Channel 4, eh?

8.44pm We’re not actually watching Five yet. We’re on a channel called Really (yes, really) and there’s people making haircuts that look like bikes, carousels and dollhouses. Honestly. It’s like taking the worst drugs ever.

8.42pm Are you following us on twitter? Our giant Indian man, Kris, is manning the account and he’s a vile, vile human guaranteed to get us in trouble with the law at some point this evening. Click here to follow us.

8pm Well, you’re eager aren’t you? What on Earth could you want from us now?

Big Brother is back in a week’s time and some people (notably the people who work for Channel Five and Holy Moly) are getting very, very excited! However, all is not well at the BB house as our exclusive pictures show!

Pictures have been released of the new Big Brother house and many have cooed about how glamorous it looks (with others shrugging and thinking that it kinda looks like any other BB House).

However, what Endemol, makers of the show, aren’t telling anyone is that the show is danger of being cancelled after it was found that the Elstree studio has been infested with weasels!

Alongside the bright living room, modern furniture and spiral staircase, producers found that the first housemates through the door were a family of weasels.

While experts try to decide whether or not the squatters are pine martens (which are protected, unlike weasels who it’s rumoured will be killed ‘without prejudice’ by former BBer Makosi with her bare hands), producers of the show are weighing up hiring the scavengers as potential housemates.

A source told hecklerspray:

“These creatures are posing a big problem for the producers. On one hand, they quite like the idea of sending in someone like Kerry Katona or Jedward to live side-by-side with the animals. It’ll be Big Brother meets Springwatch. However, they’re worried that viewers won’t be thrilled at the idea of having this disgusting, brainless vermin ruining the reputation of a perfectly nice woodland creature.”

Celebrity Big Brother begins on Thursday, August 18 at 9pm on Five, and here are our exclusive, absolutely real photos of the weasels in residence inside the Big Brother house.

This is all 100% true and, in unrelated news, next week we’ll be advertising for someone who is half decent at photoshop.

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It’s been a roller-coaster week, what with red-top tabloids revealing that Charlie Sheen is DEFINITELY going into the Big Brother house only for his reps to categorically deny it and the papers going all quiet only to reveal that Pamela Anderson is DEFINITELY going in only for her reps to probably deny it as of this morning as well.

Well, we can all play that game and hecklerspray can exclusively announce the full list of within-Channel-Five-budget celebrities who are DEFINITELY going into the awful Big Brother house this year!

Although we might go a bit quiet tomorrow.

So.

Here we go then.

Here’s the exclusive list of contestants leaked by ‘a source’ who may work at Endemol. Or Five. Or not. We don’t have to say. They’re simply ‘a source’ and you have to trust them…

…right?

Here are the contestants for Celebrity Big Brother 2011:

1. Barry Scott, Cillit Bang enthusiast. Entirely fictional embittered bellower Barry is keen for a return to the limelight since the News of the World hacked his phone with the startling revelation that he was “more of a Cif man, myself” resulting in him being dropped from the lucrative advertising campaign.

2. Bob Carolgees, Alleged ‘Entertainer’. Following the mesmerising slo-mo nervous breakdown of Les Dennis, we have high hopes for the mental disintegration of another barely-heard-of light entertainer. Reports that glove-puppet/emotional crutch Spit the Dog also attending are unconfirmed.

3. Whigfield.

4. Lucy Robinson Off Of ‘Neighbours’. No, The Second One. Around about 1987, Lucy went away for a school trip or something, and came back two-foot taller with a different face and voice, thus alarming every viewer who was a pre-pubescent about to go on a school trip. Sasha Close is her name, possibly the palest Australian ever.

5. Andy Crane, Television ‘Personality’. The man whose life Phillip Schofield stole. Currently lingering on some God-forsaken local radio show in Manchester.

6. Terence Trent D’Arby, Prince-Lite. Terry is fully expected to break into an a capella version of ‘If You Let Me Stay’ each time he is put up for eviction in the most embarrassing manner possible.

7. Bruno Brooks, ex-D.J. You know those dreadful in-house ‘radio stations’ that play in your super-market? They’re his fault. Vote him out. Him and his gaspingly dreadful mullet.

8. The Mental Bloke Who Collects Glasses In My Local. Tolerated by the staff due to the free-of-charge labour.

9. Ace, worst Doctor Who assistant ever. Dreamt-up to make Sylvester McCoy look ‘hip’. She was called ‘Ace’. She wore a metal-plated baseball cap. Christ. Sophie Aldred’s career has never recovered.

10. Gaz Out Of Supergrass. Not content with musical mediocrity, unsuccessfully selling the Toyota Yaris or being turned-down for ‘background artist’ work on ‘Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes’, Gareth is now going to grate you with this as well.

The obligatory big-name American star has yet to be confirmed, but Scott Martin “Wassup” Brooks who played the coveted role of “Dookie” in the tiresome Budweiser advertisement – you know, the really ‘funny’ one that featured a load of nobodies saying “wassup” until you relented and just bought some BEER – is rumoured to be in the frame.

Distressingly, some or all of the above may turn out to be true. Bruiser de Cadenet has also been said to have been sniffing around the set. You have been warned.

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It’s not fair. The prospect of Channel 5’s Big Brother is now becoming dangerously real, and here is the most concrete proof of what is set to be a terrible, terrible Autumn. Any means of escape is effectively now void.

If you try and turn the channel over, all you will find is a botched version of Kelly Rowland clapping along to a burns victim in harem pants on X Factor instead.

As if Kelly hadn’t caused enough problems in the world, she allowed more hell to be released into the ether today, when an annoyingly large number of ex-housemates turned up on a field to sing an altered version of her song ‘When Love Takes Over’, to ‘When Bruv Takes Over’ for the new C5 trailer. It’s not fair.

Yet it was less than a year ago, where Nikki Grahame and co. were vacuum-packed into funeral outfits and gathered to mourn the death of Big Brother on a presumably better funded Channel 4 advert. Yet now she’s on Channel 5 – holding hands with a lesbian, like it’s the most natural thing in the world (anyone who says it is perfectly natural, ask yourself this: Have you ever seen a lesbian with hands? Didn’t think so).

So what now, they’re all just back? Back and apparently relevant to someone or other in the warped parallel universe? That’s not just slightly bad continuity, that’s Fast and the Furious bad continuity.

In a nutshell, the trailer basically features many people you simply didn’t want to see again,  marching down corridors wildly grinning at the cameras, fondling their orifices, like the good old days.

Some of the more interesting moments involve Chantelle and Alex Reid inserting their hands up each others rectums, (just in case you didn’t know they were a couple now) Kemal with the most beautiful set of breasts you’re ever likely to see on a human man, Mutya Buena, Eugene the Crying Virgin, Alex, the one that appeared on the Domestos adverts for a while (AND ALSO HIT AND KILLED A MAN IN HIS CAR ONCE, FACT FANS) and Ahmed, who is a man that once stood in a garden on National Television – screaming and throwing plates at people until he was forcibly removed from the building.

Just when you thought that you couldn’t be sobbing into your own, pruned, swollen skin quite hard enough, H FROM STEPS turns up to join in the action, striding alongside Michelle Bass like it’s bloody CD:UK or something.

So there it is. Big Brother is officially back whilst Fort Boyard lies dead, abandoned, and curdling in the corner. Justice is no longer a word.

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News just in: Brian Dowling is no longer leeching his entire TV career from Big Brother. Instead, he is now saving time by hooking himself to a drip and having Big Brother pumped into his lower digestive tract.

This is in light of the news today that himself and Emma ‘My leather jacket subtly implies I enjoy rock music’ Willis are to be it’s new presenters when it is re-launched on Channel 5 later this year. ‘Hurrah’.

And in further boring news, Emma Willis has also announced today that she had sex with Matt Willis again, and is now pregnant as a result of that. All together now! ‘MAYBE DAVINA WILL LEND HER ‘THE BIG MUTHA’ T-SHIRT!’ Ha. Very clever, everyone. Anyway, it’s a moot point because she absolutely won’t. Unless she’s a dick. Unless Davina McCall is a dick…

But enough of these crazy, unrealistic hypothetical situations!

As for Brian and his large face, he said of the news:

“It is 10 years since I won Big Brother so what better way to celebrate and mark that anniversary than to be asked to host the new series?”

We don’t know, Brian. Put in the same situation we would probably use this as an opportunity to move on with our lives and/or buy a new stove.

However, in these harsh times we desolate job-seekers live in, beggars can’t be choosers. Especially for a man who’s CV currently reads out like this:

AIR STEWARD
WINNER OF BIG BROTHER
CO-HOST OF THE ELLE STYLE AWARDS 2002
JIM DAVIDSON HOMOPHOBIA VICTIM
WINNER OF A DIFFERENT BIG BROTHER

So there you have it. Two people you don’t like are going to be hosting a program you don’t like. A Channel 5 version of the programme you don’t like, no less.

Who says Christmas has to be four months away?

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Channel Five. No-one really watches it do they? It bought Neighbours and Home and Away and instead of them gaining two cult imports, they managed to make people suddenly not care. But plucky little Five won’t stop trying… in fact, they Don’t Stop Believing (Five, Sunday, 8 August, 5:45pm) which is almost sad when you see the fruits of their harvest.

In an attempt to jump on two bandwagons at once – Glee and The X Factor – the show has fallen flat on its face very much like someone trying to ride two horses at the same time.

Don’t Stop Believing wants the thrill of the public vote and the blank stare of the judging panel mixed with the hideous family friendly choral nonsense that has made Glee such a runaway success in the world with people who never wanted to admit to liking musicals, when really they loved them.

As such, the uncoolest type of singing ever thrown into the pressure cooker of the format vote-me show, makes what? Well, like the singers in the show, instead of amplifying, it all cancels each other out. Yesterday saw a bunch of young people all singing at the same time, quite loudly, yet somehow still managing to sound like less than one voice.

Still, we shouldn’t berate the contestants on the show too much because they’re just giddy amateurs looking for a fleeting moment in the spotlight. And they’ve got nothing on the drips that are supposed to be professionals.

Where The X Factor makes an entire world for the show to live in, with huge hangar live shows, boot camps, guest celebrities like Whitney Houston coming along to listen to young people singing at their lifeless eyes, Don’t Stop Believing is simply and Wheel ‘Em Out And Make ‘Em Sing and very little else.

In some respects, that’s quite admirable… however, in TV terms, it makes the whole thing feel like New Faces as opposed to this ridiculous camp tension cranker that Cowell is so deft at producing.

The panel of judges doesn’t help matters. For our televisual pleasure, we have Duncan James, Anastacia, Tamzin Outhwaite and choreographer Charles ‘Chucky’ Klapow.

In the case of Chucky Kapow! we have a man who dresses like a Vice Magazine hipster, yet somehow, is simultaneously forgettable. Imagine someone putting fluorescent sunglassed on the shadow cast by a mop bucket. In Tamzin Outhwaite, we have a perfectly lovely woman who talks like an adult without hamming everything up, but alas, that’s all she is. That and someone from Eastenders. There’s something in her eyes that says “Jesus. Phil Mitchell on crack. That’s impressively crap, even for a British soap.”

Then you have the two lame-ducks. First off, you have Anastacia who presumably is there to fill the Mental Like Paula Adbul role. Everytime she appeared on screen, there was a certain unsteadiness to the show which made the viewer feel like they had to down two bottles of wine and then operate heavy machinery whilst being trapped in a lift with Liza Minnelli. There’s not even the flicker of a human in there, only bad-wiring.

Duncan James sits on the panel purely as knicker-bait for bored, lonely forty-somethings. His whole schtick is akin to a man who systematically beds bored divorcees at holiday resorts, kissing stretch marks and buying them cheap chocolates with well-rehearsed platitudes. He’s so staggeringly pointless that you may as well stand a tower of Ferrero Rocher in his place with a sign above it saying “Everyone is beautiful in their own unique way.”

The only person to come out of the show with anything good is host Emma Bunton who looks like she’s been presenting TV shows for years. Okay, someone at the show did their utmost to dress her like Carol Decker from T’Pau with dreadful shoulder pads and dodgy earrings (when really, they should’ve gone for the cutesy ’50s housewife-next-door look of Holly Willoughby), but all-in-all, Emma Bunton seems well-suited to being on our TV screens.

However, cutting through all this is a staggering lack of knowledge about music, underlined completely by MT4Uth (dreadful name) and their performance of ‘Feeling Good’. Everyone thrilled at how they’d managed to get a classic and turn it into something radically different. It was ‘bold and brave’ and like nothing they’d ever heard before… APART FROM THE FACT IT WAS A CARBON COPY OF MUSE’S VERSION OF ‘FEELING GOOD’ YOU SIMPERING DIPSHITS.

What was impressive about the show was that it somehow managed to be crappier than expected. Hopes were not high for a show on Five, yet unfathomably, the whole thing managed to hit considerably lower than expectation. It’s a bad feeling when that’s the main thing you take away from a new show. At least Emma Bunton might be on our screens with a bit more frequency from now on.

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After being sidetracked with a few things, such as trying to end all world evils and finding out where the boogieman lives, Bono has returned to his 50-bedroom mansion to concentrate on churning out another U2 album.

Bono and the other members of U2 have been threatening to release No Line On The Horizon for a while now and finally they’ve delivered the bombshell with a March 19 2009 release. Is one new release bad enough? No, Bono has to be an extravagant twat and release it five bloody times.

Of course this isn’t a move designed to fill the bands pockets with enough cash to enjoy a lifetime supply of potatoes and Guinness. No, surely releasing the same product five different times is a celebration of all things U2 and a test to see who’d actually buy the same crap again and again. Think of it as an intelligence test without having to work out which funny shape connects the pattern.

Once people either download it illegally or stump up some cash for the bog-standard CD version, what’s going to be so special about the new album No Line On The Horizon? We have some suggestions of what we’d like to see included with the album. You know, just so Bono and the rest of his merry band of rockers can disappear further up their own arses as they rejoice together for pushing the boundaries of album packaging and superfluous additional extras.

For £20 extra, an interview with the band’s creator Larry Mullen, Jr. It would be nice to hear what he thinks. As we all know, Bono just takes over all conversation and namedrops his mates such as the Pope and Bill Clinton.

For £40 extra, a replica copy of Bono’s magical sunglasses. Maybe we’ll be able to tell if they source his power and make him act like the moron we know and love.

For £100 extra, a used hat from The Edge.

Whilst we know they’d go down stupidly well with the legions of U2 stalker fans, it seems that their record company don’t see things like us. As the NME reports, the additional three versions aren’t anything like ours:

“The digi-pack version offers the full album along with a 36-page booklet, a fold-out poster and a downloadable film by Corbijn, featuring the music of U2. A magazine version of the album comes with a 60-page soft cover magazine-style book, along with the Corbijn film as a download. The most excessive of the five releases is the box set, which features a 60-page hardback book, a second poster and a DVD version of Corbijn’s film.”

Oh wow! A poster! Something that’s printed on paper! For hours on end, we can stare in utter awe at a picture of bloody U2. Who would have thought a band would ever think of releasing pictures of themselves in moody looking poses as they stand against a backdrop of a beach, coffee shop or burning car?

And a U2 magazine? We shudder to think what crap they’ll use to fill 60 pages with. Perhaps loads of photos of their faces with captions like ‘We are brilliant’ ‘Feel the love’ and ‘Don’t eat Irish pork’.

Whatever the case, we at least know of one album that won’t feature in our 2009 best-of list. If we wanted to listen to the older generation babbling on about non-important issues, we’d check into an old folk’s home. At least there they might have cool stories about war and stuff.

George Lucas has come up yet with another plan to convince you to hand over your hard earned money to him.

After he made millions with Indiana Jones 1, he sat down for a while, thought about what to do next and came up with Indiana Jones 2. It worked. But what next? He sat down for a while, thought about what to do next and came up with Indiana Jones 3. Incredible.

How was he to beat that? It wasn’t easy. For twenty years he brooded, furrowing his brow and scratching his little beard, and finally his eureka moment came: Indiana Jones 4.

But, people asked, what about the fact that Indiana Jones will be far too old? Don’t worry, said George, if we make jokey references to it throughout the film no one will care. Wow, he’s good. What next? George says ‘how about Indiana Jones…5, with Shia Labeouf as the lead?’

Time to retire George.

Old man Lucas doesn’t scoff though. He told Fox News:

I haven’t even told Steven or Harrison this, but I have an idea to make Shia the lead character next time and have Harrison come back like Sean Connery did in the last movie. I can see it working out.

Before we jump to the conclusion that the corrupting culmination of his success, wealth and age is turning George prematurely senile, it is worth remembering that he is also responsible for the casting of Jar Jar Binks.

Rumours suggest Shia LaBeouf has stipulations in his contract which lock him into a sequel/spin-off if Paramount want to make one, and Shia (a distant cousin of French footballer Frank LeBeouf) told MTV he would be interested:

I don’t think a Mutt spinoff would be as big as Indiana Jones, but fingers crossed!

Mutt Williams and the Temple of Doom. Mutt Williams and the Last Crusade. Mutt Williams and Another Piss-Poor Offering from Lucas and Spielberg That Makes Us All Wish They’d Retire. He’s right – probably wouldn’t be as big as Indiana Jones.

But what about Harrison Ford – won’t he be dead by then? Not so, according to Lucas:

It’s not like Harrison is even old, I mean, he’s 65 and he did everything in this movie. The old chemistry is there, and it’s not like he’s an old man. He’s incredibly agile; he looks even better than he did 20 years ago, if you ask me.

Harrison himself has said he’d consider playing a part should the fifth installment happen, and even Steven Spielberg won’t rule it out. Ages ago he told the Chicago Sun Times:

Oh, I don’t know. Of course, I said the third Indy would be the last one. And obviously it’s not. So I can’t even comment whether the fourth will be the last one or not. I’m not looking to redesign the wheel. I just want to continue the saga.

Bless him. We bet for a moment there he thought back to the days when selling out on his principles seemed a cheap thing to do.

Read More – George Lucas: Indiana Jones 5 a possibility, The Celebrity Truth