It's not every day that someone will dedicate literally minutes of their time watching upcoming things on TV to tell you whether what they've watched is good, not so good, or the equivalent of getting your toes stapled and then having aforementioned staples removed by the blind nuns that secretly made Kate Middleton?s wedding dress while they sloppily down pints of homemade lemonade.
No-one takes the time to sit down and tell us what's actually good, and more appropriately what has the most emotional resonance and character development in it; instead it's just flash in the pan reactions to developments in the soaps or whatever drama is getting the Daily Mail?s ?we're Not Racist But…? full brief pantaloons in a twist. Or even what coke snorting gnome, Frankie Cocozza is up to. TV is important business everybody! It teaches children how to read and speak, as well as to fear larger women who have chandelier earrings and make-up like Salvador Dali.
Actually, scratch that. There's a reason no-one spends the time to dissect episodes of Outnumbered or whatever nauseating? film Channel 4 stick on at daft o?clock. It's a waste of time. So allow us, dear hecklerspray readers, to guide you through the perilous TV guide and point out what you should, or shouldn?t be watching this weekend.
FRIDAY
Hustle, BBC One, Friday, 13th January, 9pm
The final series of The Hustle is eventually upon us. And it's inevitably raised some questions. Will the team sail off into the sunset with funds stolen from someone else?s bank account? Will Jamie Murray follow her dad, Billy Murray, into the Injury Lawyers 4 U adverts, or possibly the sequel to Strippers vs Werewolves? Will Matt Di Angelo become anything other than a blight on British drama? Well the answers to all these questions will be revealed eventually as the team take on the big business of dieting pills and even attempt a gold heist. Sounds dreadful doesn't it?
Candyman: Farewell To The Flesh, Channel 4, Friday 13th January, 12.05am
Okay, strictly speaking, it’s on Saturday… but SHUT UP. Anyway, bad slasher films make or break a Friday night don't they; and this one is particularly unpleasant. The sequel to 1992?s Candyman, this time the Candyman goes on holiday to New Orleans just in time for the boob baringly brilliant Mardi Gras. Seems like a great addition to the National Lampoon franchise doesn't it? Well it's not as grim as that, it would never have been passed through the BBFC with a racist lynch mob with added bees and Chevy Chase?s gurning facade. And there's even an Agatha Christie style family mystery which helps the film trudge along slightly (and something for the women, am I right men?). But there's still lots of blood and hot hook-on-man action if that doesn't take your fancy. It's not a great film, but we?d like to see you do better. Go on. We?ll wait.
SATURDAY
Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer, Channel 4, Saturday 14th January, 7.45pm
Comic book films are big business, with more and more getting greenlit by greedy movie studios. Some are good; Kick Ass, X-Men: First Class, 12 Angry Men (where one is The Punisher), whereas some are like cancerous limpets on the successful cash cow. This is a particularly big limpet. It continues the story of Marvel?s Fantastic First Family and introduces the galactic hero of sorts The Silver Surfer and the supervillain, Galactus. Except it isn't Galactus as you would want to see him, with big purple horns and planet sucking hoses. He lacks any sort of menacing presence. Or any physical presence at all in fact. He's a giant purple cloud that has the same level of danger as a really noxious fart. A fart so heinous that it can strip wallpaper at thirty feet. A fart so disgusting that the time that it takes to dissipate will be given it's own name; like the Dark Ages, or When Someone Shot Phil Mitchell And It Turned Out To Be Lisa Beale Even Though It Should Have Been Dan.
If you've nothing else to do, this could be a good way to kill a few hours, and you\’ll learn how not to make a really awful superhero film. It does have Stan Lee so you can be making the most of that before he kicks his slippers off and goes to the great Avengers Tower In The Sky.
Borgen,?BBC Four, Saturday 14th January, 9pm
When it comes to Danish drama, The Killing ruled the roost. Everyone wanted to be it. Topman even released a horde of jumpers over Christmas to cure the Sarah Lund shaped gap in the market. Wallander wishes it was The Killing. Well there's a new kid in town, and that doesn't mess around with making a jumper more famous than whatever is going on in the show (admit it, you're thinking it too). This kid is one of those 1 in 10 kids that claims they've had a terrible childhood just because they didn't get an iPhone for Christmas or was touched by their uncle that one which they won't stop going on about. That kid is Borgen.
Set in and around the Christianborg Palaces, which is the Danish version of House of Lords and Parliament and Downing Street combined in one bomb friendly location, Borgen follows the not so hilarious exploits of Prime Minister Brigitte Nyborg. Think The Thick Of It but without the funny bits with a couple of crimes thrown in as well. Cerebral, subtitled and unashamedly clever, give it a whirl.
SUNDAY
Sherlock, BBC One, Sunday 15th January, 9pm
If you haven't been watching this series of Sherlock then you should probably go and lock yourself in a room and forgot about continuing with what we call ?living? because you're completely wasting your life. We've all heard and read about Sherlock to such a degree that we're not going to waste your ear time by repeating it; Stephen Moffatt, Benedict Cucumbersnatch, moving text on screen; blah blah blah. This is the last episode in a criminally short series, and it is a somewhat liberal adaptation of The Reichenbach Fall, which was originally called ?The Final Problem? but that's a bit genocidey and not really a perfect theme for Sunday night viewing. Even The Antiques Roadshow turns Nazi gold away.
?The Final Problem? was originally going to be the final Sherlock Holmes story; Conan Doyle wanted to spend some time catching up on Coronation Street and finishing his knitting. But public pressure forced him to take up his pen once more, but no one cares about that now. Could the final Sherlock result in the death of the titular character and his nemesis, the gorgeous Moriarty? Well only time will tell. If it was up to us, we would have Sherlock and Moriarty fall into the waterfall but be saved by a family of flying geese who take them to the Moon where they can start a new life together, away from the stresses and public opinion of gay relationships. Look at Cumberbatch?s face. Doesn't he deserve some happiness? He looks like some carved his face out of chalk.
Call The Midwife, BBC One, Sunday 15th January, 8pm
If you've ever had the misfortune of seeing Cranford, Larkrise To Candleford or whatever Elizabeth Gaskell novel BBC is shilling as lazy Sunday night drama, then you\’ll know what to expect here. Melodramatic women, forced nostalgia, and because it's aimed at women (because it's all about midwives) it's going to mean that you're mam and nan are going to be creaming whatever is left in their knickers over it. Total snoozefest for anyone with a Y chromosome.
Directed by the person to blame for Downtown Abbey, Julian Fellowes, Call The Midwife will be a hit for anyone who knows a woman of a certain age (read: old) who a) remembers life in the 50s, or b) yearns for a simpler existence where the most complicated thing a woman had to worry about was how to discreetly get her feminine hygiene products back into the house without being branded a harlot, strung up from the nearest police box and pelted with loafs of unleavened bread.
And that's your lot you losers. We've got two films, and a shedload of drama for you to get your teeth stuck into, so don't let us catch you on Twitter saying that there's nothing on TV over the weekend.
And if nothing here takes your fancy, well I'm sure you can catch a repeat of My Family on Dave Ja Vu.