So you won’t be able to imagine how fuzzy we feel now we’ve learnt that supermodel Gisele Bundchen, a woman so far out of our league that we barely qualify as the same species as her, has got engaged to Tom Brady – a professional athlete who could undoubtedly beat us in a fight even if we were armed and he wasn’t.

Congratulations to Tom and Gisele, then – may your children be just as attractive as you but somehow take their intellect from a better-equipped third party.

Celebrities and athletes do make lovely couples, don’t they. There’s David and Victoria Beckham, who have been married for almost a decade while only notching up a handful of rumoured affairs. Then there’s Ashley and Cheryl Cole, who have been married for two years while only notching up a handful of rumoured affairs. And then there’s Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo, who aren’t married and haven’t had any affairs but only because they seem quite stupid and possibly have to constantly relearn the concept of ‘marriage’ and ‘affair’ with flashcards and repetition games every couple of days to stop them getting confused.

And now we can add Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady to that list. You know who they both are, of course – Gisele is the supermodel who used to go out with Leonardo DiCaprio and will only work for Euros, while Tom Brady is the New England Patriot quarterback who got his girlfriend pregnant and then legged it because a supermodel signalled that she might want to sleep with him.

Anyway, what we’re trying to say is that Gisele and Tom Brady have just got engaged. And we’re telling you this because of the wonderfully romantic story behind Tom Brady’s proposal. Honestly, your heart will sing for weeks after hearing it. People reports:

“He asked and she accepted,” a source close to the couple tells PEOPLE.

Oh, the romance! He asked… and she accepted! It’s like we’re in a fairytale or something! We’re giddy just thinking about it! He asked… and she accepted! What are the chances of something like that happening?

But calm down, because there’s more – apparently Gisele and Tom Brady now have to decide whether they want a big wedding that’s full of wankers with eating disorders, or something that won’t sell as well to the magazines. Back to People:

“The couple is discussing a huge fashionista event in the spring or a more intimate and quicker ceremony in Costa Rica, where Gisele has a home.”

But, whatever they choose, we hope that Gisele and Tom Brady are happy together. And, less realistically, that they remain happy together after their looks fade and they’re forced to rely on personality to get them through. We wouldn’t hold our breath for that, mind you.

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That’s why we’re so over the moon for Alyssa Milano. According to reports, Alyssa Milano has got engaged to David Bugliari, a man who – as proved by at least one piece of photographic evidence – sometimes wears a tie and stuff.

Actually David Bugliari is an agent at the Creative Arts Agency, so hopefully his engagement to Alyssa Milano will spark off a career renaissance that takes Alyssa back to her glory years. That’s right: we’re talking Poison Ivy II: II here.

We’ve always thought that the one thing Alyssa Milano needed was a bloody good agent. There’s literally no end to Alyssa’s talents, and good representation would give her the career boost she so desperately needs.

Actually, we should clear that last sentence up a bit. What we meant was there’s no end to Alyssa Milano’s talents provided you can’t count further than ’starring in even-worse sequels to bad erotic thrillers’, ‘doing minor voiceover work in the long-forgotten direct-to-video sequel to Lady And The Tramp‘, ’starring in a TV show about witches that continued to be made for five full years after everyone stopped watching it’, ‘embarking on a wildly unsuccessful Japan-only singing career’ and something called ‘Alyssa Milano’s Teen Steam Workout Video‘. But we’re straying off target.

What we’re trying to say is that Alyssa Milano’s prayers have been answered because she’s just got engaged to David Bulgiari, a man who just happens to be an agent. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg as far as Alyssa Milano-related engagement facts go, as People reports:

Milano, 36, will marry David Bugliari, an agent at the Creative Arts Agency. The couple have been dating for more than a year. Bugliari proposed with a ring he designed that was made by Jim Lavi at Daniel Jewelry in La Jolla.  No further information about their nuptials – including a wedding date – has been announced.

OK, look, we didn’t say it was a very big iceberg. But anyway, here’s hoping that Alyssa Milano finds happiness with David Bulgiari, and that this marriage is more successful than her last, which ended in 1999. It’s not known if David Bulgiari has ever been married before, but that’s because he’s so startlingly anonymous that we doubt even members of his own family could select him from a line-up, even if the other members of that line-up consisted of nothing but wild animals and potted plants.

Incidentally, it’s being reported that Alyssa Milano got engaged to David Bulgiari on December 18. Nobody seems to know why it took three whole weeks for this news to leak out, but it isn’t because nobody cares about Alyssa Milano any more. Oh, no, wait – it is because of that. Our mistake.

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You see Katy Perry and her Gym Class Hero boyfriend Travis McCoy have apparently split up, just weeks after they apparently got engaged. It’s all very sad and, as yet, nobody knows who’ll take custody of their one good song.

The split seems to have hit Travis McCoy particularly hard, as his recent angry blog entries have proved. Honestly, what sort of pathetic loser sits around all day filling the internet with vicious hatred? Oh.

It’s never easy to maintain a relationship when you’re in the public eye, and it can be even harder when you’re desperately doing everything you can to stay in the public eye despite being such an obvious one hit wonder that people often mistake you for the illegitimate offspring of Billy Ray Cyrus and one of The Weather Girls.

And that’s why we’re not particularly surprised by the news that Katy Perry and her boyfriend Travis McCoy have split up. Between twatting about with knives, pretending to have a secret crush on Scarlett Johansson and doing everything short of literally kidnapping an actual child to remind everyone that she still exists, Katy Perry can’t have had too much time to concentrate on McCoy.

And now it’s all over. The News Of The World reports that Katy Perry and Travis McCoy gave themselves a make-or-break Christmas trip to Mexico, but not even spending time together in an environment primarily consisting of cacti, uncomfortable heat and millions of little hairy men could keep them together:

My source told me: “It’s sad, but they were fighting a lot in recent months because they never saw each other. When somebody becomes very famous very quickly their relationship usually suffers. She’s going through such a huge time at the moment so needs to be on her own.” [Travis] raged at Katy on his blog… “My Laptop is my new b***h, LOYAL, LISTENS, and NEVER LETS ME DOWN!”

No wonder Travis McCoy is so upset – it can be difficult for a man when his girlfriend becomes more successful than him. And remember that Katy Perry has got one song that some people know the title of even though none of them could sing it all the way through even if you put a gun to their heads, which makes her about 4,000 times successful than Travis.

However, what does make this split slightly unusual is that less than a month ago we reported that Katy Perry and Travis McCoy were engaged. And now it’s all off. It just goes to show that things move fast in Katy Perry’s world. Again, that doesn’t come as much of a surprise, though – if Katy Perry can cram an entire musical career into about a month and a half, then getting engaged and splitting up within 18 days must be a titting cakewalk for her.

Read more:

Katy: I Dissed A Boy - News Of The World

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This time, Katy Perry has managed to sneak back into the headlines for possibly getting engaged to her boyfriend Travis McCoy. Possibly, you understand – nobody knows for sure, making them the Jay-Z and Beyonce that nobody gives a stuff about.

Strangely, this engagement coincides with that Katy Perry pop video that’s all about her wedding, showing the extent that Katy Perry pop videos can foretell the future. So fingers crossed that her next video involves her retiring from music while she’s still got some dignity left.

Katy Perry knows the value of a good shock tactic. She shot to fame with a gender-bending song about kissing girls, then she dicked about with a knife until the press spluttered into its tea and made her apologise. And her new single’s entitled Hot N Cold, which is dangerous and shocking because it’s about how Katy Perry thinks the lack of temperature regulation in menopausal women is hilarious. Or something. Look, we don’t bloody know.

And now Katy Perry is ready to reveal her most shocking stunt yet – she’s getting married. To a boy. Possibly. We’re not accepting it as fact yet because Katy Perry hasn’t officially confirmed it yet. However, sources inside of Katy Perry’s mouth seem to think that it’s pretty much a done deal, as MTV reports:

Rumours in the New York Daily News claim that her boyfriend, Gym Class Heroes lead singer Travis McCoy Katy and Travis have been dating since last year and it seems Travis has popped the big question on a recent visit to the romantic city of Paris. Reports claim that on a recent visit to the French capital, McCoy kissed Perry with a diamond ring in his mouth which led to the proposal.

Ah, the old ’saliva-coated choking hazard’ proposal technique – is there anything as romantic? No there isn’t. Unless you count putting an engagement ring up your bum and then farting it into your girlfriend’s eye, but that has problems of its own. We won’t be doing that again, no sirree.

But still, cynics that we are, we’re still over the moon for Katy Perry and Travis McCoy from Gym Class Heroes. Fingers crossed that they hurry up the aisle as soon as possible, because that way they’ll finally get to achieve their dream of becoming a one-and-a-half hit family.

However, we can’t help feeling that marriage and domestic happiness will hurt Katy Perry’s credibility as an edgy songwriter in performer. It’s all very well her singing songs about kissing girls and whatnot now, but in a couple of years when she’s faced with the back to back failure of her singles I Went To Habitat And I Liked It and I Found A Smashing Three For Two Deal On Yogurts At Morrisons And I Liked It, there’s a chance that Katy Perry might regret her decision.

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First Hugh Hefner’s heart was broken by the loss of his number one girlfriend Holly Madison, who made the somewhat perplexing decision to run off with a rubbish emo magician. And now one of his other girlfriends – the equally generic titty model Kendra Wilkinson – has decided to leave Hugh Hefner and get engaged to an American football player as well.

Although Hugh Hefner seems to remain on good terms with Kendra Wilkinson, this news must have nevertheless bruised him quite badly. After all, it’s hardly as if Hugh Hefner lives in a great big house stuffed full of identical booby halfwits all willing to have gruesome, underwhelming sex with a frail 82-year-man just because they’ll probably get a minor role on a crappy reality TV show out of it, is it? Oh.

Hugh Hefner has never wanted for female company. He’s dedicated his entire life to living out a sexually progressive agenda that’s allowed him to have instant quibble-free sex on demand with any number of women who all look so freakishly similar that there’s a strong chance they’ve all been glooped out of a pulsating Alien-style egg tube.

But lately it looks as though the only female company that Hugh Hefner gets is from the women who occasionally visit to wipe his bottom or make sure that he hasn’t been lying at the foot of his stairs meekly calling for help for more than a couple of weeks at a time.

It was only a few weeks ago that Hugh Hefner’s number one girlfriend Holly Madison dumped him, started hanging around with the world’s most easily-ridiculed magician and took to bleating on about how high maintenance Hugh was. And now Hugh Hefner has been dealt another cruel hand.

It turns out that Hugh Hefner’s number three girlfriend, Kendra Wilkinson, has left him too. According to reports, Kendra Wilkinson has decided that, rather than stick around to act out each and every sexual whim of a sleazy old man, she’s going to get married to Philadelphia Eagles receiver Hank Baskett. People reports:

“[She] has met someone who she would like to spend the rest of her life with,” Hefner said in a statement on Thursday. The Playboy mogul says Baskett proposed to Wilkinson on Saturday. I have given her my blessing and will be giving her away at a very special wedding ceremony at the Playboy Mansion this coming June,” the statement adds.

Oh good. At least Hugh Hefner is going to be giving Kendra Wilkinson away. There’s definitely nothing creepy about that.

However, just because he’s lost Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson in short succession, it’s not all bad news. After all, he may have bid farewell to his number one girlfriend and his number three girlfriend, but that still leaves Hugh Hefner with his number two girlfriend Bridget Marquardt, who’s presumably called his number two girlfriend because she lets him stick it up her pooper.

And besides, rumour has it that Hugh Hefner has replaced Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson with 19-year-old twins named Karissa and Kristina Shannon. You see? Hugh Hefner will never be lonely. Thank God for opportunistic moral-free fame-hungry tit models who couldn’t give off more of a gold-digger vibe if they chopped one of their own legs off.

If you’re a somewhat famous person who hasn’t really gotten it together in years – what you need is a good publicist.

Seriously – a good publicist can do wonders for your career. They’ll get your name on marquees, they’ll make the masses forget you’re ugly and dumb, and dang it all, they’ll even marry you if that’s what it takes to sell your next album.

We can’t guarantee all publicists will marry you – but Eddie Van Halen’s will. She’ll marry you in a heartbeat – even if you look kinda like you’ve been buried in a moist hill for over 200 years. It’s because she does what it takes – whatever it takes, to get you a headline or two.

That’s what we assume anyway – because she just got romantically engaged to E Van Halen. Yes, she got romantically engaged to him, with plans to romantically marry him.

Now that’s dedication.

When that Bertanelli chick married Eddie Van Halen over fifty years ago, it was with the intent of eventually replacing Sammy Hagar on vocals. When that didn’t work out their marriage shattered, and both were left with empty hearts that only a personal employee could fill.

For the record we have no idea who Valerie Bertanelli is currently dating. We are up on Eddie though – he’s been dating Janie Liszewski, an employee whom he no doubt pays several thousand dollars per year. She just got a raise though, probably a big one too – like two grand or something. That’s because they’re engaged now, and have properly annotated so on their W-4.

We don’t actually have the financial numbers involved with their engagement, and possibly there aren’t any. Here’s what People thinks:

“Eddie Van Halen is engaged to his girlfriend/publicist Janie Liszewski, PEOPLE has learned. Van Halen, 53, proposed to Liszewski, 38, on Aug. 4 while they were vacationing in Hawaii. The rock guitarist dropped to one knee and popped the question in a private room at Tiffany’s, a source close to the couple tells PEOPLE. The couple plan to wed next June.”

Now that news is far more interesting than the time Van Halen canceled a tour, the time they canceled a tour again, or the time Eddie’s daffodils got covered in way too much water. Still though, it’s not quite as interesting as the time his dog exploded, the time he gave up music to make wine with nuns, or the time he got an x-ray that found over 10,000 fire ants burrowed deep in his chest.

No links for those last ones? Probably because they’re not true at all. If they were, Eddie Van Halen would be the most interesting person in the world, and his publicist wouldn’t have to throw herself in front of that romantically entangled bullet.

Just imagine a world like that.

You don’t? Well, that’s because it never happened. Jennifer Hudson isn’t a wildcat at all. Jennifer Hudson is a bit boring. In fact, it’s impossible to make Jennifer Hudson interesting. Jennifer Hudson wouldn’t even be interesting if she sneezed fireworks and farted mice.

Having said that, Jennifer Hudson has just announced her engagement to David Otunga, who’s apparently a man of some sort. And, let’s be fair, that is interesting, provided that a) you know who David Otunga is, b) you care enough about Jennifer Hudson to invest in her personal life and c) you’re a gormless dumdum of the absolute highest order.

If you look at Jennifer Hudson’s accomplishments, she’s actually achieved quite a lot. She’s been an American Idol finalist, she’s won 29 awards including an Oscar for her first-ever film role, the city of Chicago has named a day after her and she starred in the Sex And The City movie so she’s probably seen Kim Cattrall’s baps quite close up.

But has any of that phased Jennifer Hudson? No it hasn’t. Or perhaps maybe it has. The truth is that nobody knows if any of that has phased Jennifer Hudson or not because nobody cares enough about Jennifer Hudson to find out.

Forget about Jennifer Hudson being so boring that the only way she could be more boring is for her to reclassify herself as algae, though, because Jennifer Hudson’s only gone and got engaged.

Who to? Well, since Jennifer Hudson is an Oscar-winning actress, we’re sure she’s had her pick of the A-list. That’s why her new fiance is David Otunga, who’s apparently from the reality TV show I Love New York 2. If you haven’t seen I Love New York 2, it’s a lot like I Love New York 1. And if you haven’t seen I Love New York 1 then congratulations, because you now share something in common with every single human being alive. MTV reports:

Oscar-winner Jennifer Hudson and boyfriend, David Otunga, got engaged over the weekend. The couple’s rep spoke exclusively to People magazine saying “I can confirm that Jennifer got engaged to her boyfriend David on Friday night in L.A.”

Apparently David Otunga proposed to Jennifer Hudson with a diamond engagement ring on her 27th birthday which seems to us like a bit of a cop-out, like the sort of thing you do when you don’t know what present to buy them. Chances are David Otunga was backwards and forwards between a marriage proposal and some HMV vouchers for quite some time.

Anyway, no date has been set for Jennifer Hudson’s marriage. Or maybe it has. We really don’t think we’ve got it in us to actually go and check, you know.

Cameron Diaz has been seen out and about with a gigantic diamond ring wedged right onto her wedding ring finger, prompting speculation that she's going to get married to Jennifer Aniston's ex, Paul Sculfor. Exciting!

Only you should probably dismiss that notion, because Cameron Diaz's people have said that she isn't engaged, and that the ring she was seen waving around so furiously recently was an old ring of hers that she just happened to be wearing on her ring finger in public.

So maybe Cameron Diaz is engaged and maybe she isn't. One thing's for sure – we genuinely couldn't care less about any of it either way. Hooray for us!

The world of Hollywood dating is like one of those revolving doors that you get trapped in because you're drunk and you can't find the exit and you end up vomiting and crying and trudging around in a circle for so long that eventually you're sloshing about in three inches of tear-diluted sick until the hotel security guards ban you for life. It's almost exactly like that.

Take Jennifer Aniston, for example. She's currently dating John Mayer, the man who used to go out with Jessica Simpson, while her ex-husband Brad Pitt is now with Angelina Jolie. But in between Pitt and Mayer, Jennifer Aniston went out with British model Paul Sculfor, who might now possibly be engaged to Cameron Diaz, who was with Justin Timberlake before he started going out with Jennifer Biel.

Anyway, now we've done the necessary groundwork, we feel duty-bound to tell you that Cameron Diaz might be engaged to Paul Sculfor even though she probably isn't. Last week Cameron was seen doing that unpleasant ringy finger-waggle that newly-engaged women do while being photographed leaving Nobu in Los Angeles. It seemed clear that Cameron Diaz was getting married.

However, Cameron Diaz's publicist wants you all to know that she definitely isn't getting engaged. Almost definitely. Possibly. Although she might be, even though that would defy logic on about 15 separate levels. Actress Archives reports:

According to a statement made Friday by the publicist, “It is not an engagement ring. It is her own ring, designed by her friend Lenore Marusak for La Paix.”

See? It's Cameron Diaz's own ring that she just happened to be wearing on her ring finger and waving around like it was on fire in front of the paparazzi.

That's almost certainly cleared some of this muddle up in part. In reality, though, we're sure that one of the following has actually happened…

1) Cameron Diaz is engaged.

2) Cameron Diaz isn't engaged, but she wanted to promote her friend's jewellery collection and creating a dreary hollow media stir was the easiest way to do it.

3) Cameron Diaz isn't engaged but she's pretending she is anyway because she's mental.

But let's just say that Cameron Diaz is engaged. It's Justin Timberlake who we feel most sorry for. He broke up with Cameron Diaz because she didn't want to get married to him, even though his entire last album was full of songs like My Love, Until The End Of Time, Why Won't You Just Bloody Marry Me and Seriously Cameron Diaz Why Won't You Marry Me (Is It My Girl's Voice?).

And now Cameron Diaz might be getting married to a bloke whose genitals still probably smell like Jennifer Aniston? Disgraceful. Or, if she isn't engaged, not disgraceful. We think the moral of this story is that Cameron Diaz is sort of annoying.

We'll be blown. Apparently if you want Uma Thurman to fall in love with you you should probably be a multimillionaire businessman who doesn't live in a car parked freakishly close to Uma Thurman's house. That's the tactic used by Arpad "Arki" Busson, anyway, and it's seemed to work for him.

That's because Uma Thurman and Arpad Busson have just announced their engagement. The news will come as a bitter to Uma Thurman's convicted stalker Jack Jordan, although it's not all bad news – he apparently hopes it'll be a long engagement so that he can turn up to the wedding with his special handmade confetti made from tiny little cutouts of disturbing headless brides.

Uma Thurman, eh? All she ever does is complain complain complain. One minute she's moaning that no men ever ask her out , and then when one man wants to go out with her so badly that he terrorises her entire family with suicide threats she complains about that too! When will Uma Thurman learn that men only have two romantic settings – chronically disinterested and watch-you-in-your-sleep obsessed?

At least, based on personal experience they're our only two settings, but Uma Thurman seems to have stumbled across a rare man who's reached an unsteady compromise – he loves her, but not enough to send her terrifying cards with the words 'mouth' and 'my hand should be on your body' scribbled all over them.

True, his face is the exact dimension and texture of a family meat pie, but he's also a multimillionaire, so they probably cancel each other out.

That man is Swiss businessman Arpad Busson, and he's just got engaged to Uma Thurman. It's been confirmed and everything. People reports:

"I can confirm she is engaged," Stephen Huvane said on Friday. New York's Daily News was first to report the engagement. In return for saying yes, the actress received some serious sparkle: an 8-plus carat center stone surrounded by 20 smaller stones. "It's the most beautiful piece I've ever seen," says a close source of the diamond ring. "Arki did a wonderful job."

It's actually quite heartwarming that, after going through something as emotionally draining as her stalker case, Uma Thurman can learn to trust the motives behind men's romantic advances again. But of course she can – Arpad Busson is a high-flying European financier, not a psychologically-disturbed fan. There's one other difference between Uma Thurman's new fiance and her stalker, too, but it's slightly more subtle.

Remember that Jack Jordan said that he was destined to be with Uma Thurman forever? Uma probably won't have that problem with Busson – he ditched Elle McPherson after she had a couple of his kids, after all, so he's hardly going to stay with Uma Thurman very long, is he? None of that icky forever business to deal with there. Phew.

Remember, for example, in 1991 when it was discovered Emmanuel Lewis was actually the kidney that stunted Gary Coleman’s growth? Or what about when Air Bud lost his leg to an enormous electric pencil sharpener mistakenly left on and churning by the owner’s alcoholic teenage son? Well that last one really isn’t a good example because it was eventually proven in court – Lifetime actually did an entire mini series on it. We think.

Well now we’ve got another of those stories for you, and of equal or lesser caliber too – Lindsay Lohan is apparently maritally engaged to a super-ugly man that is actually a mediocre woman.

We think she was mediocre anyway. We really don’t remember as several weeks ago a picture of her made us poke out our own eyes.

We don’t know, though. She could have been alright.

When a paid mystic is lucky enough to look into Lindsay Lohan’s future, they’ll likely see a few concrete things. Probably a dozen or so Herbie Fully Loaded straight-to-DVD sequels around 2015 – all filmed while Maggie Peyton has a death grip on several colostomy bags. It’s because of a popped colon. Disney will probably find a way to work it into the plot as their people are really quite creative.

To be clear Lohan’s 2015 popped colon is based purely on speculation. We don’t have any inside sources leaking us medical charts, we’ve not been tracking poop-related global maladies and more importantly we’ve heard Lohan’s excrement is far too acidic to ever be held by anything less than a double riveted, thick-hulled Russian T-90S steel war tank.

But why talk about Lohan’s toiletry needs when we have far more interesting things to speak of – like her maybe being engaged to a woman. The Bosh wants you to read for yourself:

“Lindsay Lohan was spotted flashing an engagement ring at Cannes, fueling reports she is in a romantic relationship with DJ Samantha Ronson.”

You remember who this Ronson chick is don’t you? Well you should – when Lohan almost beat up half of Michelle Tanner for saying hello to her in a public place we reported on it twice. (1, 2) Also she’s a DJ or something. She’s got her finger right on the pulse of America’s music vein we’ve heard.

More recently the two have been in the headlines for simultaneous limp bumping either all over P Diddy, or all over P Diddy’s yacht – we’re not sure which. Given the chance we’re told the boat could do so with a touch more vigor and passion.

That’s probably from someone who saw Raisin In The Sun.

We’re just saying.

They swapped declarations of love and commitment in front of close friends and family yesterday during a fairytale wedding ceremony (it was Alice in Wonderland themed) and Ashlee chose to reveal her pregnancy to everyone at the reception, OK! Magazine reported.

Barely a month has passed since Ashlee announced her engagement to Wentz. Barely a month has passed since the pregnancy rumours started. Back then Pete Wentz said this:

There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood. This is all news to me.

Oh yeah, hecklerspray knows how to hunt down a witch!

We are so good at witch hunts! Let’s try another one: Ashlee Simpson to have an abortion? No, unfortunately, we probably won’t catch that one. Sorry God, it’s over to you.

Poor old Pete Wentz; one minute you’re a single guy in a world famous rock band with endless possibilities ahead of you, having your merry way with a myriad of mentally malnourished girls; the next you’re stuck with just one of those girls, in a legally bound cage, for at least the next 18 years.

What does this signal for the future of humanity? Could this be the end of the band? Will this be the end to Fall Out Boy? Where’s Radioactive Man when you need him? With any luck he’ll be taking his radioactive powers to a gynaecologist near you but, having said that, if ever there was a moral reason to bring another hungry mouth into this world then the destruction of Fall Out Boy would be it.

A spokesperson for the couple told People.com:

We’re delighted to confirm that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson were married this evening in front of family and close friends

Ashlee Simpson’s big sister Jessica attended with Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo (to any UK folk reading, Tony Romo is a man who throws an inflatable egg to other men for money, like Jonny Wilkinson but with padding and tighter pants) and was maid of honour, whilst Pete’s bulldog Hemingway acted as ring bearer.

Ernest Hemingway, who we assume the dog is named after, was of course married four times before he killed himself.

Three cheers for Pete And Ashlee!

Read More – Ashlee Simpson Confirms Pregnancy At Her Wedding, eFlux Media

OK, ready? Mariah Carey’s got engaged. Ta-daaaaah! Do you care? No, no you don’t – and that’s the way it should be. But wait, what if we tell you that Mariah Carey has got engaged to Nick Cannon? Do you care now? No, of course you don’t, because you don’t know who Nick Cannon is. Nobody does.

So what about this – Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have known each other for less than two months, which means the chances of this ending in a way that’s messy and embarrassing for all is sky-high? Yeah, now you care. Doesn’t matter. We’re still coming to beat you up.

Mariah Carey knows the joy that comes from marriage. During her last marriage, to record executive Tommy Mottola, Mariah Carey says she used to fantasise about being kidnapped because it would mean she wouldn’t be in the ‘psychologically abusive’ grip of her paranoid controlling husband any more. Then, once the marriage broke up, Mariah Carey had an emotional and physical breakdown that threatened the future of her career. Oh, we’re suckers for romance like this. Blub.

So what girl wouldn’t want to go through all that again, and with a guy she’s only just met? Mariah Carey sure would, because she’s apparently got engaged to Nick Cannon, a rapper who got his name because one of his hobbies involves putting ball bearings up his bum and farting them out at pirate ships. US Weekly reports:

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are engaged, according to a source close to the diva, Access Hollywood reports. Cannon’s rep had no comment on the report when reached by Usmagazine.com. Carey’s rep was unavailable. Carey, 38, met the 27-year-old rapper-actor when he directed the video for her latest single, “Bye Bye,” in late March. “It’s hot and heavy,” an insider told Us Weekly in its latest issue.

No comment? Unavailable reps? Oooh, they’re totally getting married! What hat should we wear to their wedding?

Call us cynical here but we honestly can’t see Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon actually getting engaged. We’ve seen reality-challenged celebrity couples rush into these breakneck engagements before, and they never work out. And if little Aaron Carter can’t stay engaged for long, then what chance does Mariah Carey have?

And, to be honest, we don’t know too much about this Nick Cannon character either – and Mariah Carey can’t exactly be an expert on him either at the moment.

What concerns us the most is that Mariah Carey has insured her legs for a billion dollars and, unless she performs a full background check on him first, we can’t rule out the possibility that she’ll wake up on the first day of her honeymoon to see Nick Cannon running over her shins with a lawnmower to earn himself a quick buck. It’s what we’d do, after all.

Read more:

Report: Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon Engaged – US

First Pamela Anderson was in Baywatch, then Carmen Electra was. First Pamela Anderson was in Playboy, then Carmen Electra was. First Pamela Anderson made rubbish films that nobody likes, then Carmen Electra did. In fact, take away the internet sex tape and the Hepatitis and you’re basically looking at the same person.

However, Pamela Anderson recently ended her third marriage. Hey, Carmen – her third! You’ve only been married twice. Quick! Get engaged to someone! Anyone! We don’t care who! What? You’ve found a man who looks like a weather-beaten uninflated vinyl panda doll that’s been dressed up as one of My Chemical Romance? Yeah, we’ll suppose he’ll do.

Make no mistake about it, Carmen Electra is a catch. By which we means she looks like you’d catch all sorts of diseases if you ever touched her bare flesh. And trust us, there are plenty of men who’ve touched Carmen Electra’s bare flesh.

However, there’s no shortage of men who still find Carmen Electra attractive. According to yesterday’s FHM Sexiest Women list, Carmen Electra is the 34th most sexy woman on the planet, and men are still prepared to pay $50,000 just for an evening with her. And now that her marriage to Dave Navarro has unequivocally failed, Carmen Electra can take her pick.

What sort of man will Carmen Electra go for? Someone tall and rugged? No. Someone athletic and windswept? No. Someone who looks like he’s been moulded from soggy cookie dough and dresses like he’s 25 years younger than he actually is? No. No, wait. Yes. Yes, that’s exactly the type of man that Carmen Electra will go for.

We know this because Carmen Electra has just got engaged for the third time. And this time the lucky chap is Rob Patterson. Now, Rob Patterson used to be a touring guitarist for Korn, a job with all of the shame that comes with people thinking you’re in Korn and with none of the money that comes with actually being in Korn. Imagine what a part-time touring guitarist for Korn looks like, because that’s exactly how Rob Patterson looks.

Anyway, Carmen Electra and Rob Patterson are engaged, and we’re sure that they’ll be very happy together for the three months before they decide to split up. People reports:

Carmen Electra is engaged to her boyfriend, guitarist Rob Patterson, her rep Jill Fritzo confirms to PEOPLE. “He told friends three days ago that he got engaged,” adds a source. “The ring is a black diamond set in white diamonds.”  Patterson, 37, who is the former touring guitarist for Korn, popped the question over the weekend while he and Electra were in Las Vegas to celebrate her 36th birthday, says the source. The couple have been dating less than a year.

Rob Patterson is undoubtedly a very brave man – Carmen Electra’s previous husbands were basketball ace Dennis Rodman and guitarist extraordinaire Dave Navarro, so he certainly has a lot to live up to. So Rob Patterson must really love Carmen Electra. Or at least love having uncooked pasta shoved up his bottom while being racially insulted during sex. In fact, it’s probably just the pasta/ racism thing. He’s got that look about him.

Or he hasn’t. Nobody sue us.

Read more:

Carmen Electra Engaged to Rob Patterson – People

Some have reacted with disgust that their pretty little Ashlee Simpson could fall for such a whiny-looking twerp. Others have reacted with disgust that their emo hero Pete Wentz could for such a gormless pop twonk. Other really couldn’t care less either way. Most people really couldn’t care less either way.

Not Jessica Simpson, though. Harnessing the skills that have built up her reputation as a fearless innovator, Jessica Simpson has inexplicably decided to be pleased for Ashlee and Pete – marking the first time in history that a woman has been pleased that another woman is getting married.

It’s easy to see why Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy fell in love – after all, she’s got a new nose and an oddly-spelled name and he’s the bassist who plays the bass in that band with the bass parts that he plays himself on a bass guitar. It’s literally an irresistable combination.

And, following the news that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are engaged, this irresistablityness has rubbed off on those closest to the couple. OK, those closest to Ashlee Simpson – Pete Wentz’s nearest and dearest haven’t learnt to form sentences yet and, besides, they aren’t famous so their opinions aren’t worth a soggy fart.

Basically, Jessica Simpson has decided to talk about Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz getting engaged. Emerging from the St Gary’s Convalescent Centre For The Unfortunately Stinky-Pissed, Jessica Simpson spoke of her happiness at the news of the engagement and, as People reports, actually came off sounding quite creepy:

“My sister is overflowing with joy. Pete is an incredible soul. They naturally bring out the best in each other. I couldn’t be happier.”

Ashlee Simpson couldn’t be luckier that she’s got Jessica Simpson as a sister. Jessica will be able to give Ashlee all the support and advice that she needs in the run-up to the wedding, like insights on how to get the best reality TV show deal from the marriage and how to not get divorced until at least two months after said reality TV show gets cancelled to stop people thinking it was nothing more than a big publicity-seeking sham. Invaluable.

So, hey, if Ashlee Simpson is happy and Jessica Simpson is happy, then what about old Daddy Joe Simpson? Guess what – he’s happy too:

“[Pete] did ask me. I told him that I would be honored to have him as part of my family.”

Honoured, but only so long as he promises to has cosmetic work done on his breasts first. Ain’t nobody in the Simpson clan gonna have baby ta-tas, male or female!

Read more:

Jessica Simpson ‘Couldn’t Be Happier’ for Ashlee and Pete – People

Well, we imagine it was. Each had to do the standard offhand hair flick to adjust the superfluous strands of long bangs stylishly obscuring their vision to confirm it. But yeah, love at first sight followed by months of blissful romps through studded belt stores and romantic evenings painting each other’s fingernails black and applying excessive eyeliner.

Ashlee and Fall Out Boy guitarist Pete Wentz fell in love and just got engaged. Literally just right now. Two seconds ago. Keep up, people. There’s some lovely mocking to be had.

You know Ashlee Simpson. Aside from the fact that she’s the poster child for wannabe pseudo-rocker chicks (Avril Lavigne was positively devastated to be knocked off her 5-year poster child streak, you know), she’s also the lesser known of the infamous Simpson sisters. We, of course, mean lesser known to father/manager Joe Simpson, because Jessica Simpson is the daughter with the actual ability to somewhat sing, movie roles, and most importantly the double D’s he so openly pervs about.

Luckily, Ashlee has been able to find love that she neglected to receive from her father, any singer able to sing live for real, and millions of hopping mad Superbowl fans. And she’s found it with Pete Wentz. He’s known for being the guitarist for Fall Out Boy, but we read an AOL interview he did using AIM and he typed ‘haha’ like a hundred times, or something. He should be known for that. That’s much cooler. Anyway, here’s Ashlee’s generic ‘give us lots of publicity, but respect our privacy’ statement:

“We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I, and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes – it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, and we wanted to be the first to tell you and to hear it straight from us.”

Ashlee’s all about getting things straight nowadays. Like her nose and making it clear that her boyfriend is.

Well, there you have it. Petey also made a statement saying the couple is ‘past the honeymoon period’. Well, duh! They’ve been together a year. A whole year. Do people even stay together for that long anymore? How old fashioned Ozzie and Harriet-ish of them, complete with a white picket fence and separate twin beds.

And now that that pesky honeymoon period has come and gone, we anxiously await the rumoured pregnancy, birth of a child who’ll be given a stupid name, marriage, and divorce, with the unauthorized release of sex tape thrown in there somewhere. Yay!

Read more:

Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz Get Engaged – People