Ah, Nic Cage! He’s not really very good at anything is he? He’s certainly not a particularly good actor and, as his recent bad behaviour in New Orleans shows, he’s not even very good at getting into trouble.

Despite the fact he disturbed the peace, got all up in his wife’s grill and dared the police to arrest him – which they did – even Dog The Bounty Hunter bailing him out of the jail didn’t really amount to proper trouble. It was just… funny.

As a result, Nicolas Cage is in the clear. It would appear that the police think he’s so lame that they can’t even be bothered to put him through the legal system.

The ‘actor’ was officially arrested for alleged domestic abuse and disturbing the peace (what? New Orleans is a ‘peaceful’ place? Geddouttahere!)  after he got into an unsightly drunken spat with his wife.

However, he won’t be prosecuted.

Cage’s attorney says:

“The New Orleans District Attorney has confirmed that no charges of any kind will be pursued against him”

“After their investigation, the DAs refused all charges against Nick and the matter has been closed.”

Attorney Rosenberg added:

“We are pleased that the process led to the correct result, despite inaccurate media reports, and that Nick has been cleared and all charges have been dropped.”

So basically, the only interesting thing he’s done in years (apart from his role in Kick Ass which was pretty good) wasn’t true.

Shame.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Nicolas Cage, the most lucky b-movie actor in the universe, has had a busy ol’ weekend. He was jailed for domestic violence while being more drunk (and as coherent) as a sock filled with Schnapps.

And what with this being Nicolas Cage, things weren’t ever going to play out in the same way it does when us plebs get arrested.

Bizarrely, Cagey was bailed out of prison by a man who looks like the chemical accident lovechild of Macho Man Randy Savage and Bret Michaels – Dog The Bounty Hunter! This could well be the greatest celebrity story ever written.

That’s right! A man who has a wife that keeps her hairspray in gun holsters and doesn’t mind dropping the odd ‘N Bomb’ while giving relationship advice to his son, stopped taking down beleaguered crack pipers and saying “bra’” at the end of sentences to put his money up in the face of The Cage.

Dog says:

“I am a truly dedicated fan of Mr. Cage and will not be granting any interviews about my client as I wish to respect his privacy.”

Apparently, Cage was being oh so sweet while more hammered than a reunion of George Best’s many livers, brawling with his wife and daring the police to arrest him. Which they did.

Cage wasn’t content on pulling his wife’s hair and poking her in the ribs (or whatever he was doing). No. Cagey boy also decided to try and beat some cars up like he was in a Street Fighter II bonus round.

The actor (of sorts) has been booked on charges of domestic abuse battery, disturbing the peace and public drunkenness.

Great stuff. Now, provided Cage doesn’t ‘do a Sheen’, we could have a good few months laughing at his plight yet! C’mon Nic! Do it for the world! We all need cheering up!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Duane Chapman, also known as Dog The Bounty Hunter is a man with a fine head of hair on him. He’s a man who watched WWE wrestling and picked up style tips without even the vaguest trace of irony. He’s a hardman who looks like a stupid idiot.

In fairness, Dog is a staggering fool.

Why? Well, Dog was taken to UCLA Medical Center where he was treated for internal bleeding. Sounds like the sort of thing a hard nut should be dealing with, right? Well, unfortunately for Duane, he got a really cool injury in the lamest way possible.

Dog’s hilarious looking wife – Beth – posted a statement on Dog’s official website, saying:

“He was admitted for tests for a possible blood clot following an injury he suffered on a bounty hunt. Duane is in very capable hands and and we thank everyone for their prayers.”

This morning, Beth tweeted:

“Yes dog is injured it is an occupational hazard that we deal with he is very strong and in excellent condition he will 4 sure survive.”

So was Dog stabbed by a madman he was chasing? Are his lungs filling up with righteous blood after being shot at by a gang of escaped convicts?

No.

Dog was admitted for tests for a potential blood clot in his leg after he was injured on a bounty hunt whilst kicking a door in. That’s right. A door which totally didn’t attack him back.

However, gore whores, you’ll be thrilled to know that the muscle in his leg separated from the bone which caused the internal bleeding.

That’s a nice image isn’t it? That said, we don’t care as much as we once would have, thanks to him repeatedly opening and closing his mouth and saying a really racist word.

What an idiot. We were ready to love you Dog, and you went and said a load of really dumb shit.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

Ferris Bueller, the 80s wild child played by Matthew Broderick, only had one problem in his annoyingly perfect life, the relentless Dean of Students at his High School, Ed Rooney.

Well, Ferris’s days of running from Mr. Rooney can finally be put behind him after 14 long years as actor Jeffrey Jones was sentenced to 250 hours community service and 3 years probation for failing to update his details on the sex offenders register.

For those of you who don’t know, Mr. Rooney turned out to be a bit of a nonce, which added a really creepy subtext to the scenes in which Rooney tries hunting down Ferris Bueller in a bid to prove that he’s ditching school. Obviously Jeffrey Jones just wanted to spend a hot and sweaty summer locked in a room with a young Matthew Broderick.

Jones, who’s creepy smile and ginger moustache just scream paedo, pleaded guilty to failing to update his registry information, which he was required to do after pleading no contest to a whole host of creepy, child porn related charges in 2003.

We here at Hecklerspray don’t know exactly what his community service will entail, but we do like to speculate. After playing Mr. Rooney, Jones has all the relevant experience to actually become a real life truancy officer, plus with his love of teenage boys he’d be even keener to track them down. It would be like Dog the Bounty Hunter, only 10 times more disturbing, which takes some doing.

One thing is certain, this latest indiscretion will put a spanner in the works of the Ferris Bueller sequel. Ferris and Cameron are probably too old for Rooney now anyway. Plus Sloane would probably be played by Sarah Jessica Parker and no one wants to see that.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

Jonathan Rhys Meyers is known for being a loud and abusive drunken idiot, so it’s quite refreshing to hear a new twist on his persona and here it is: He’s now allegedly a loud and abusive, racist drunken idiot! And he’s going back to rehab. Again.

After drinking vodka shots a JFK airport lounge before 7am and getting completely shitfaced, airport staff refused to allow the Irish actor on to his flight to LA.

Jonathan was quite rightly outraged at this – after all, why can’t a world famous actor, who has already been into rehab three times before, having already been arrested for being drunk at an airport twice, neck a bucketful of vodka and stagger on to a plane, allegedly hurling racist slurs at staff? Eh? Don’t they know WHO HE IS???

So he did what any self-respecting Hollywood piss artist would do and lashed out furiously, liberally using the N-word for good measure. And even for a spoilt, drunken idiot, that’s low…

JRM presumably expected his offensive nonsense to be greeted with:

“Hey! I was going to throw you off this plane and have you arrested until you called me that – but now I’m going to upgrade you to first class and get the two prettiest stewardesses to suck you off”.

If he did, he was quite wrong.

Anyway, that’s enough of that sozzled, bigoted cretin. Here are ten more!

10 - One of Hollywood’s most notorious right-wingers, John Wayne was quoted as saying, “I believe in white supremacy until the blacks are educated to a point of responsibility. I don’t feel guilty about the fact that five or ten generations ago these people were slaves”, in a 1971 interview with Playboy magazine. A staunch nationalist, the measure of the man comes when you discover that he actively dodged army enlistment during WW2. Maybe he probably didn’t want to hurt any of those Nazis, what with their lovely ideas on racial purity and all.

9 – Mel Gibson isn’t racist though (if you ignore the horrendously anti-Semitic things he said to that policewoman and forget that every film he’s ever directed has persecuted a race, religion or nationality).

8 – Jay-Z: “If you having girl problems, I feel bad for you, son. I got 99 problems and one of them is the bad publicity I received after I refused to let any white people into my Brits after-party this year.”

7 - We reported how John Mayer somehow managed to make himself even less likeable after some choice words to Playboy this year. NOTE TO CLOSET RACISTS: Don’t agree to interviews with Playboy…

6 - “I don’t care if she’s a Mexican, a whore or whatever. It’s not because she’s black, it’s because we use the word n****r sometimes here. I’m not gonna take a chance ever in life of losing everything I’ve worked for 30 years because some fucking n****r heard us say n****r and turned us in to the Enquirer magazine.” Duane Chapman aka Dog The Bounty Hunter was heard ranting this little doozy during a phone call with his son Tucker, demanding he split up with his black girlfriend. Bad dog! In your bed!

5 - “Our little Paki friend.” Prince Harry’s charming description during a video diary of an Asian member of his army platoon a couple of years back. Whether he said this while wearing his proper army gear or while dressed in a Nazi uniform like he wore to a fancy dress party in 2005, is unclear. A Nazi uniform that probably belonged to his great-grandad.

4 – Amy Winehouse was videoed in a drugged-up state by her prick of a husband Blake Fielder-Civil in 2007. The clip shows her and a friend singing: “Blacks, Pakis, Gooks and Nips, Gooks and Nips” to the tune of children’s song Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes. Five Grammys and Three Ivor Novellos she has.

3 – Michael Richards, from Seinfeld, made a bit of a boo-boo/committed career suicide when he said to two black audience members during a stand-up set:

“Fifty years ago, we’d have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass.You can talk, you can talk, you’re brave now motherf****r. Throw his ass out. He’s a n****r! He’s a n****r! He’s a n****r! A n****r, look, there’s a n****r!”

2 – A video of quarterwit human blow-up doll Paris Hilton dancing to a Biggie Smalls track with her sister Nicky and using racist language was leaked on the internet in 2007. Racist or just stupid? Possibly both, who cares?

1 – Rocketing in at number one like a big ol’ racist rocket, it’s our old friend Charlie Sheen. Here’s the transcript of a voice message he left to his ex-wife Denise Richards in 2008. The important thing to remember about Denise is that she’s white.

“I hope you rot in fuckin’ hell. You’re a piece of shit, fuckin’ liar. … I hope I never fuckin’ talk to you again you f****ng c**t. You’re a coward and a liar and a f****ng n*****.”

The Two And a Half Men irritant later issued an apology for his ‘choice of words’…

What, Charlie? You meant to call her a ‘liar and a f**kin’ honky’???

To one and all, Hecklerspray says, ‘Boooooooooooo….!’

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

As anyone generally considered villainous or reprehensible will tell you, anytime they are in a bank vault with a money-stuffed laundry bag slung over their shoulder, the last thing they want to see is ‘the Orange Glow.’

‘The Orange Glow’ is a criminal industry term for a streaked blur that swoops in and vanquishes all evil everywhere at least once daily. Some say his true identity is a mystery – unknown even to his plus-size wife.

Other’s say it’s actually Dog the Bounty Hunter after another rejuvenating self-tan session.

Speaking of which – someone recently tried to murder him.

In an ideal world all reality TV stars would get either stabbed, shot, or mauled by a thousand geese which have somehow been weened off of duck food in favour of human flesh. It wouldn’t have to happen often – just once a season or so. Sweeps week seems like a good time to air those episodes.

Unfortunately for everybody though – this is not an ideal world. Puck was never gored by anything, Simon Cowell‘s never suffered a snake attack, and New York‘s mother had a deal fall through where she’d agreed to be pulled to pieces by four horses tied to her extremities. That last one was going to air on VH1, and the deal was for 15 million dollars. Its just what we heard.

One thing TV does have going for it though, at least recently, is that we can all at least watch Duane ‘Dog the Bounty Hunter’ Chapman get shot at. According to CNN:

When a fugitive fired shots at bounty hunter Duane “Dog” Chapman in Colorado Springs, Colorado, Tuesday night, cameras were rolling for his reality TV show, Chapman said. The man, later captured by Chapman’s wife and son, apologized to the Chapmans for shooting at them…[An] attempted murder charge — for shooting while fleeing — will likely be dropped because no gun was found [according to Dog].

When asked how he and his family avoided so many whizzing bullets, Chapman said only that he’d raised his huge mullet into a protective-shield mode where he and his wife his behind. Everyone else just hid behind Mrs. Chapman’s meaty leg.

All of that was very paraphrased, mind you. Or fabricated.

Well this must be a delightful change of pace for Dog. He’s got his show back since he decided not to be racist anymore. Mexico’s decided to let his rat-infested prison sentence slide a bit, and although all native Americans have made it quite clear they don’t want him crashing their tribal parties, Aborigines have given him an open invitation to tour their rain stick factories anytime he’s down under.

That’s who makes rain sticks, right? The Aborigines?

It just looks like a craft they’d be good at.

We thought so.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Tucker Chapman hasn't had an easy life. Although his father is Dog The Bounty Hunter, he hasn't picked up on any hereditary traits like the orange skin, rubbish hair or underlying racism.

And when your dad is Dog The Bounty Hunter, you'd better make sure that you play by the rules, unless you want to end up with 16 gallons of bear mace shot directly into your eyes and a florescent man with the hair of a cheap 1980s stripper shouting the word 'bra' condescendingly at you.

Tucker Chapman can't have known this, though, because he's been locked up in a correctional facility for all kinds of drug-based shenanigans.

In all of his 106 years on this planet, Dog The Bounty Hunter has only cried four times. Three of those happened when he accidentally held his can of bear mace back to front and shot himself in the eyes with it, and the other is when he went on Larry King to explain why he was such a massive racist. 

But now Dog The Bounty Hunter might have a reason to shed a tear for the sixth time. No, not because he's been off the air for so long that he's forgotten which way round to hold his mace can, but because his son Tucker Chapman has been sent to a correctional facility for repeatedly violating the terms of his parole.

That's the same Tucker Chapman, by the way, who sold that tape of Dog The Bounty Hunter being racist to the National Enquirer and thus caused the biggest crisis in Dog The Bounty Hunter's life apart from the time he stood on a rocky shore at midnight and caused six oil tankers to run aground in the mistaken belief that his glowing skin was a lighthouse. Funny how things turn out. TMZ reports:

Dog the Bounty Hunter's son, Tucker was taken to the Oahu Correction Facility on Friday for violating multiple terms of his parole… We're told a parole officer made Tucker check in to a rehab facility, which, we hear, Tucker walked away from. Sources tell us Tucker's parole officer executed a surprise home inspection this week, and didn't like what he found. The PO then brought Tucker in on Friday, revoked his parole and sent him to the slammer. Among his alleged violations — associating with known felons, failing a drug test and walking away from a rehab facility. 

It'd be hard enough to tell your parents that you've got into such stupid trouble whoever you are, but Tucker Chapman's dad – lest you need reminding again – is Dog The Bounty Hunter. By rights, Dog The Bounty Hunter should now be chasing Tucker Chapman down an alley squirting chemical nerve agent at the back of his head while roaring like the Cloverfield monster.

But the fall-out from the racism snafu has left Dog The Bounty Hunter a changed man. Instead of, say, smashing Tucker's head in a car door over and over again until he learns his lesson, Dog has issued a heartfelt status on the matter:

"I am heartbroken that this has occurred, but I am relieved that my son in now in a place where he can no longer hurt himself. To my bruddahs in the system: please don't hurt my son as he knows not what he does. I love my son and wish him the best."

That's right – Dog The Bounty Hunter uses the word 'bruddahs' even when writing a formal statement. No wonder Tucker's on drugs.

Still, though, Dog The Bounty Hunter does have a point. Tucker Chapman is in a place where he can no longer hurt himself. Plus, Dog The Bounty Hunter can totally be as racist as he likes without worrying that Tucker's secretly tapping his phone calls. Result.

Read more: 

Dog's Son Tucker Jailed for Parole Violations - TMZ 

Everyone deserves a second chance, even freakish-looking giants the colour of burning magma who are just a teensy bit racist.

And that's why A&E has decided to start remaking new episodes of Dog The Bounty Hunter, months after the show was pulled off air when Dog The Bounty Hunter started chucking the n-word around in a phone conversation like Christ knows what. 

Nobody is exactly sure what convinced A&E to start bringing Dog The Bounty Hunter back, but one possible clue lies in the locked cupboard full of screaming naked A&E executives who couldn't stop scratching at their burning eyes that was discovered last week. The fact that 'Give me my show back, bra' was also written on the cupboard wall in blood may be another indication.

Dog The Bounty Hunter has had a pretty rough ride of it lately. For all his 84 years up until last November, Dog The Bounty Hunter was invincible – a barn door of a man who'd deliberately grown his hair into a freakish Mad Max mullet just to dare people to even think about laughing at him. Dog The Bounty Hunter had never met a man he hadn't blinded with bear mace, and that was enough to give him his own show.

But that all came to an end in November when Dog The Bounty Hunter repeatedly used the word 'nigger' to describe his son's girlfriend in a taped phonecall. And that was it – frightened to be associated with a racist, advertisers bailed out of his show, A&E suspended production and Dog The Bounty Hunter was branded as the funniest-looking racist in the whole wide world. 

Dog The Bounty Hunter has been on a weird course of rehabilitation for the incident, which has included crying on TV, slowly learning that having a ridiculous suntan doesn't make you black and bewilderingly vowing to be buried in an unmarked slave grave at George Washington's house, and now it's paid off, because A&E is going to start making new Dog The Bounty Hunter episodes again. The New York Post reports:

After a five-month hiatus, A&E yesterday restarted production on the popular series Dog The Bounty Hunter. The show, which documents the life and work of bounty hunter Duane "Dog" Chapman and his family of reformed misfits, is shot almost entirely in Hawaii, where the family operates "Da Kine" bail bonds. "Since the premise of 'Dog the Bounty Hunter' is about second chances, we have decided to give him one," said a statement from A&E. No return date has been set yet. Filming has not started either, according to reports, but producers have begun to gear up by renting cars and hiring make-up artists and camera crews.

What? The premise of Dog The Bounty Hunter is about second chances? Could've fooled us – we always thought it was about watching a funny-looking redneck and his funny-looking redneck family use preposterously heavy-handed tactics to try and spray other rednecks in the eyes with chemical tear gas.

Anyway, despite all the happy talk, it's difficult to see how Dog The Bounty Hunter will be able to have the same fearsome effect as before – all the criminals need to do now when Dog The Bounty Hunter is chasing them down an alley is turn around and shout "I have a black cousin! Don't you know how much your words wounded their heart?" and Dog will either break down and cry or launch into a lengthy confused apology. Either way, crook gets away. 

But that's something to worry about in the future – for now let's just be pleased that A&E has decided to forgive Dog The Bounty Hunter for his wrongdoings and allow his television career to continue out of a sense of pure goodwill.

Well, either that or A&E realised that without Dog The Bounty Hunter it mainly had to rely on a magic show presented by a man who looks like one of My Chemical Romance's Dad for ratings.

Read more:

Dog Out Of Pound – New York Post 

His racist-seeming mouth may have got his TV show yanked off air, but at least Dog The Bounty Hunter is no longer a wanted man in Mexico, and how many of us can say that?

Well, all of us probably. Anyway, Dog The Bounty Hunter has lived with the threat of extradition to Mexico over his head for some time now, after an ill-advised bounty-hunting jaunt there in 2003, but now a Mexican court has dropped his charges.

Dog The Bounty Hunter's a free man again! Finally he'll be able to ditch that ridiculous disguise of his and live his life normally again.

That is a disguise, right? 

Ever since he was taped being all kinds of racist about his son's girlfriend, it's fair to say that Dog The Bounty's life has fallen to pieces. Not only did advertisers yank their commercials from his show faster than you can say "I'm not going to take any chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for 30 years because some fucking nigger heard us say nigger," but it made Dog The Bounty Hunter cry on TV, and that's upsetting in itself because each of Dog The Bounty Hunter's tears are big enough to wipe out a small village.

But let's look on the bright side. Luckily for Dog The Bounty Hunter, he has that bounty-hunting skill to fall back on – plus now his show isn't being televised any more, he longer has to worry about viewers complaining about his extreme hunting methods, so he can unleash some massively unethical weapons on his targets, like bear mace or, um… oh.

But the main piece of good news for Dog The Bounty Hunter is that the Mexicans no longer want him shipped to their country and locked up. You see, bounty hunting is illegal in Mexico, but that didn't stop Dog The Bounty Hunter going there to capture a serial rapist in 2003. Anyway, long story short, Mexico wanted Dog locked up, the US congress wouldn't hand him over and it all got a bit fraught.  

But today Dog The Bounty Hunter is a free man. The Associated Press reports:

Duane "Dog" Chapman cannot be extradited to Mexico to face criminal charges in his capture of serial rapist and fugitive Andrew Luster in 2003, a three-judge panel in Mexico has ruled. "He's a free man," Chapman's San Francisco-based attorney, James A. Quadra, said in a telephone interview late Tuesday. "They can't reinstate any criminal charges and as a result of that, there's no basis for them to then seek extradition."

That's wonderful, and we're sure that Dog The Bounty Hunter will be as sincerely contrite about breaking Mexican law as he was when he was taped being all racist and stuff. Since that episode, Dog The Bounty Hunter has clearly grown as a person, and is obviously more sensitive to what offends others. Right?

Quadra said Chapman and his crew could return to Mexico one day. "Dog loves what he does. He likes to capture the bad guy. If a bad guy is in Mexico, who knows what Dog will do in the future?"

OK, ignore everything we just said. Dog The Bounty Hunter's an idiot.

Read more:

Duane Chapman Free From Mexican Charges – Associated Press 

As you’re all probably aware, there is a slight stink being fussed up about Dog The Bounty Hunter and what he said about his son’s girlfriend, thanks to his use of the word 'nigger' and how much it offends people.

So now you'd imagine that anyone who wants to escape with their career intact would avoid using that word in public like the plague, wouldn't you? You should try explaining that to Nas, who's decided to step into this odd situation. Not that anyone seems to have noticed, mind you. Nas is bringing out a record that's tediously called Nigger. How convenient. 

2007 seems to have been the international year of racism. In the UK, we’ve had our own racist incidents thanks to Big Brother. Whether it was Celebrity Big Brother, where ex-Big Brother pig-alike Jade Goody called Shilpa Shetty a few rude names, or on normal Big Brother where the posh blond bird called a black housemate a 'nigger', Big Brother was rocking racism like no other this year.

And where we have Big Brother, America has Dog The Bounty Hunter, a man whose loose tongue has literally fucked himself over by spraying off racial epithets into a recorded telephone line. Not only has he made all of his advertisers not want to touch him because of his wacky racist antics he’s probably not going to have any work for a long time, even though he did later explain that he is in fact black himself. Obviously.

So with all hell breaking loose about one word and all social unease and mayhem it can cause, it would only be appropriate that Nas would choose to name his new album Nigger. Does it bother us? No, not particularly. That would be like Eminem calling his album Honky, although it doesn’t quite have the same kind of shock effect as Nas' choice of title. Nas said:

"[People] shouldn't trip off the [album's] title; the songs are crazier than the title. We're taking power [away] from the word. No disrespect to none of them who were part of the Civil Rights Movement. Right now, we're on a whole new movement.” 

Of course, this has all been taken with a pinch of salt because giving albums shock-tactic titles for a sliver of publicity is what Nas does these days. First it was Hip-Hop Is Dead, now Nigger, soon it'll be I Do It With Corpses and nobody will bat an eyelid.

Is a rapper calling his album Nigger and getting away with it double standards when a bounty hunter uses and sees his career destroyed? The jury's still out. Although it's been appropriated by the black community, there's still no running from the word's original hateful negative connotations towards black people, and whoever mentions it now is just stirring up a hornets nest.

We fully expect more media outrage to come next month as Nigger's release approaches, with mothers burning figures of Nas and singing rubbishy rhyming protest songs. More than likely they’ll make him change his album title so the little tykes don’t get their head clogged up with naughty words. Or Dog The Bounty Hunter will release a collaboration album with Nas showing how ghetto he is. It could be more comical then the time John Barnes and New Order made a single together.

If there's one thing sadder than seeing a grown man cry, it's seeing an overgrown, bright-orange man with a preposterous blonde mullet and leather waistcoat combination crying.

And if there's anything sadder than that, it's seeing an overgrown, bright-orange man with a preposterous blonde mullet and leather waistcoat combination openly wonder if he should commit suicide or bury himself in an unmarked grave like the slaves, which is how Dog The Bounty Hunter has spent most of this week to atone for the tape of him being racist about his son's black girlfriend. But even though his career is in tatters and he's become something of a public hate figure, Dog The Bounty Hunter says he's forgiven the son who shopped him in, and wants to prove his forgiveness by only spraying three full cans of bear mace into his son's face next time they meet, when the traditional family greeting involves five.

Ever since Mel Gibson set the rulebook on how to seek forgiveness for being unstoppably bigoted last year, it's been followed to the letter by the likes of Michael Richards and Isaiah Washington who know that to make amends they have to apologise to the public, then offended community leaders, then do some sort of rehabby course thing or make a violent historical epic with a script written in a dead language if things get really serious.

But Dog The Bounty Hunter is going over and above his call of duty to make amends for the now infamous Dog The Bounty Hunter 'nigger' tape which saw him throw out classy one-liners about his son's black girlfriend like:

"I'm not going to take any chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for 30 years because some fucking nigger heard us say nigger and turned us into the Enquirer magazine… If Lyssa was dating a nigger we'd all say 'fuck you' and you know that." 

Lord knows that Dog The Bounty Hunter has his work cut out for him, because A&E has stopped making Dog The Bounty Hunter, stopped repeating Dog The Bounty Hunter and lost a bunch of Dog The Bounty Hunter advertisers. So now Dog is hitting the apology circuit as hard as he can, first telling Fox News that he's realised that he isn't black and now telling Larry King that no matter how much his career has been tainted forever by the tape of him, Dog has forgiven Tucker Chapman, the ex-con son who sold the tape to The Enquirer for $15,000:

"He will not talk to me. His mother's in on it with him. I have been away from her since the '80s so now she is like getting even… I tried to take control of his life. I heard this girl was maybe not being the best for Tucker — and I'll leave it like that — so I tried to interfere. I don't care if she is black at all. He's on parole for a 20 year sentence and if he messes up he goes back. All I want him to know is that I love him very much."

It seems as though Dog The Bounty Hunter is genuinely horrified at his behaviour and – aside from his new plans to be buried in an unmarked slave grave at George Washington's house so people will know that Dog The Bounty Hunter is sorry, possibly with some sort of elaborate grave-marking – he seems to be doing all he can to put things right.

And what could be better to speed this up than a public reconciliation between Dog The Bounty Hunter and his treacherous son? After all, if Dog can forgive Tucker then maybe the world can forgive Dog. And people from all ethnic backgrounds could come and witness the joyous family reconciliation and enter into the all-encompassing interracial spirit of forgiveness.

Well, all ethnic backgrounds except for the stinking Dutch, that is. But who likes them?

When Dog The Bounty Hunter was taped calling his son's black girlfriend a 'nigger', the global shock was palpable – not just because of the hateful language but because most people assumed that Dog The Bounty Hunter was black himself.

It's true. OK, admittedly Dog The Bounty Hunter is a 15-foot-tall, bleach-blonde mulleted redneck who makes his living shooting minor criminals in the face with bear mace and very obviously has white skin, so it might be a stretch to see Dog as black, but that's how Dog The Bounty Hunter described himself in his first post-scandal TV interview. But it's OK, because Dog The Bounty Hunter has learnt that he isn't actually black – which is good because if he was then he'd hate himself and have to spray mace at his own eyes, then manhandle himself a bit while shouting 'bra' into his own face over and over again. And that'd just be weird. 

Like Rambo or Jesus Christ, Dog The Bounty Hunter was a hero to many. If the public ever thought that someone in their street was harbouring a wanted criminal then they could call Dog The Bounty Hunter and let him – along with his wife – shout abuse at them, chase them down an alley, spray a form of tear gas at them and take them back to prison, so long as there was some kind of financial reward in it for him.

But now Dog The Bounty Hunter is learning what it feels like to be chased, with the mace of public judgement and the butch squat wife of political correctness. Ever since a tape of Dog The Bounty Hunter calling his son's girlfriend a 'nigger' hit the internet, Dog's prospects have gone from bad to worse. First A&E halted production of Dog The Bounty Hunter and then, after advertisers distanced themselves from Dog, the station dropped him altogether.

People are currently talking about Dog The Bounty Hunter in the same way they'd talk about Don Imus or Michael Richards or that woman from Radio 2 who can only see black people at night if they open their mouths. But Dog The Bounty Hunter knows in his heart that his is a completely different situation. Dog The Bounty Hunter, you see, would never call someone a 'nigger' in anger because Dog The Bounty Hunter thinks that he's black.

In his first interview since the 'nigger' tape made the internet, Dog The Bounty Hunter appeared on Fox News' Hannity & Colmes show to tell the world why he thought he was black and how he now realises that he was probably mistaken in retrospect:

"There's a special connection that I thought I had between me and black America. And I used to say, 'I'm black, too.' In other words, my whole life I've been called a half-breed, a convict, king of the trailer trash, this and that… so when I stood there and said, 'I kind of know what you feel like, because I've been there, too,' that I felt that I could embrace and like, as brothers… say the word. I now learned I'm not black at all, and I never did it out of hate. This sounds so stupid. I always did it out of love. Other white guys would be like, 'Boy, who does Dog think he is? Dog can say that.' And black guys would be with me and walk with me and respect me. So, I went too far with that."

Even though this line is markedly different to when Dog The Bounty Hunter told his son that "If Lyssa was dating a nigger we'd all say 'fuck you' and you know that," it seems as though Dog The Bounty Hunter is genuinely remorseful for the recorded telephone conversation, and not just because he might not be allowed to strut about on TV like a human Biker Mouse From Mars any more either. Maybe education and time will be the rehabilitation that Dog The Bounty Hunter needs to heal himself and those around him.

Just so long as he's not allowed on TV any more. Seriously, that show was cack. 

In the past when Dog The Bounty Hunter faced a problem he'd grind his scrotumy face into a snarl, spray the problem in the eyes with bear mace and repeat the word 'bra' at the problem until it started sobbing like a girl.

But some problems are just too big for one man, even a man whose arms and hair are made of asteroid rock and angel tears respectively. And ever since Dog The Bounty Hunter found a tape of himself angrily telling his son that he didn't like her girlfriend because she was a 'nigger', he knows that only too well. After A&E suspended Dog The Bounty Hunter following his racist outburst, a major company has also decide to stop advertising on his show. Still, Dog The Bounty Hunter will have the last laugh – because that advertiser is going to see its undereducated redneck demographic plummet any day now.

Racism's an ugly thing that only belongs stalking the corridors of hell bellowing at people. By a strange cosmic coincidence, so is Dog The Bounty Hunter – so it was always going to be inevitable that racism and Dog The Bounty Hunter were going to team up at some point.

But now that Dog The Bounty Hunter's nigger-hating rant has ended up all over the internet, meaning that Dog The Bounty Hunter can now ascend to the racist A-league along with Michael Richards, Don Imus and that woman from Radio 2, Dog is more trouble than even he can imagine. You see, the world has turned against Dog The Bounty Hunter just because he chose to order his son not to date a black woman, reasoning that:

"I'm not going to take any chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for 30 years because some fucking nigger heard us say nigger and turned us into the Enquirer magazine."

Silly Dog The Bounty Hunter. In these modern times he should know that you're not allowed to tell your family to split up with people of colour because of the n-word. You can tell them to do it because black people are all second-class citizens who can't swim very well – that's fine – but not the n-word. And Dog The Bounty Hunter is paying the price for his jaw-droppingly offensive tirade. His broadcaster A&E has suspended production of Dog The Bounty Hunter indefinitely, but just to put the boot in even more Yum Brands Inc – owner of KFC, Pizza Hut and Taco Bell – has pulled advertising from the show too, saying:

"It's despicable. We are no longer advertising on the show."

This will sting Dog The Bounty Hunter hard if the show ever returns, mainly because of the ridiculous amount of product placement on the show – around 12,321 instances in the first six months of the year alone. And product placement on shows like Dog The Bounty Hunter is important, because people who watch that kind of show are more likely to see a ridiculous looking man spray a crack addict in the face with bear mace while drinking a can of Sprite and then go "hey, Sprite IS delicious!"

It's unknown whether or not Yum Brands Inc will ever return to placing advertisements in Dog The Bounty Hunter, but we can understand its reticence.

After all, it's bad enough to see a gruff man who looks like a Judas Priest roadie coming back off tour from the planet Steroid wolfing down your products and exclaiming how much he recommends them, but it's quite another thing to consider that one day Dog The Bounty Hunter will turn to the camera, extend a tree-trunk of a finger and declare "you know what I was thinking about when I was eating a delicious large Pizza Hut Meaty BBQ Cheesy Bites pizza just now? I was thinking that I hate all black people."

Here's a surprise – Dog The Bounty Hunter might be a teensy bit racist, in that he's been taped furiously demanding that his son break up with his black girlfriend because he doesn't much care for 'niggers'.

Frankly we're stunned. Who'd have thought that a man named after an animal, who makes his living by chasing wanted criminals and then attacking them with bear mace, who dresses like he's going to a monster truck convention on the moon 20 years ago, and who constantly refers to people as 'bra' could even be slightly racist. But it turns out that Dog The Bounty Hunter is racist, and as a result his American broadcaster A&E has decided not to make his show any more. Hopefully Dog The Bounty Hunter isn't too sad about this – because we've heard rumours that he cries tears of red-hot magma, and that would never do.

Dog The Bounty Hunter is a force of nature. He dresses like the bouncer of a homoerotic Van Halen-playing nightclub that you'd be far too puny to get into. His voice is so deep that it knocks commemorative plates off mantelpieces 500 miles away whenever he speaks. His hair is so long and lustrous that the navy uses it when it wants to make especially pretty rope. Oh yeah, and Dog The Bounty Hunter is a racist, too.

Of course, when you're in the same line of work as Dog The Bounty Hunter you're bound to get into a bit of trouble here and there, whether you're taking down a gang of crazed meth-heads with bear mace or almost getting thrown into a Mexican jail, you have to be prepared for the worst. Unless you're discussing how much you dislike your son's girlfriend because she's black, in which case it's probably best to not prepare at all and then act all surprised when a tape of you angrily repeating the word 'nigger' hits the internet.

That's what happened to Dog The Bounty Hunter, by the way. A recording of him bawling racial abuse about his son's girlfriend is currently the talk of the internet. Well, the internet and A&E, which has suspended production on Dog The Bounty Hunter, you see, because while an angry man macing crooks in the eye is entertainment, an angry racist doing the same is just despicable. E! Online reports:

"We take this matter very seriously," A&E, which lent its full support to Chapman while kidnapping charges were pending against him in Mexico, said in a statement Wednesday. "Pending an investigation, we have suspended production on the series. When the inquiry is concluded we will take appropriate action."

But what exactly did Dog The Bounty Hunter say to get himself in so much trouble? Well, during a telephone conversation with his son, Dog tried to explain why having a black girlfriend might have the odd negative repercussions. Only he didn't put it like that. What Dog The Bounty Hunter actually said was:

"I'm not taking a chance on some motherfucker. I don't care if she's a Mexican, a whore, whatever. Not because she's black but because we use the word nigger sometimes here. I'm not going to take any chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for 30 years because some fucking nigger heard us say nigger and turned us into the Enquirer magazine… If Lyssa was dating a nigger we'd all say 'fuck you' and you know that."

Here's the tape of Dog The Bounty Hunter being all racist in full, if that's the kind of thing you want to hear. 

But let's credit Dog The Bounty Hunter with some intelligence. Not only in the tape did he helpfully point out that "when we use the word nigger we don't mean you fucking scum nigger without a soul" – a qualifier which, we don't know about you, we're awfully glad for – but he's also apparently got the obligatory Al Sharpton apology out of the way already. So just three more apologies and a spell in some kind of spurious racial rehab facility and it'll all be better.

But in the meantime? Perhaps Dog The Bounty Hunter can put his new-found notoriety to good use by just going after black criminals in the future. He could also let Michael Richards into his crew, because let's not forget he has a similar talent for locating people of colour.

Read more:

Bounty Hunter N-Bombs His Way Into Hiatus - E! Online