As anyone generally considered villainous or reprehensible will tell you, anytime they are in a bank vault with a money-stuffed laundry bag slung over their shoulder, the last thing they want to see is ‘the Orange Glow.’

‘The Orange Glow’ is a criminal industry term for a streaked blur that swoops in and vanquishes all evil everywhere at least once daily. Some say his true identity is a mystery – unknown even to his plus-size wife.

Other’s say it’s actually Dog the Bounty Hunter after another rejuvenating self-tan session.

Speaking of which – someone recently tried to murder him.

In an ideal world all reality TV stars would get either stabbed, shot, or mauled by a thousand geese which have somehow been weened off of duck food in favour of human flesh. It wouldn’t have to happen often – just once a season or so. Sweeps week seems like a good time to air those episodes.

Unfortunately for everybody though – this is not an ideal world. Puck was never gored by anything, Simon Cowell’s never suffered a snake attack, and New York’s mother had a deal fall through where she’d agreed to be pulled to pieces by four horses tied to her extremities. That last one was going to air on VH1, and the deal was for 15 million dollars. Its just what we heard.

One thing TV does have going for it though, at least recently, is that we can all at least watch Duane ‘Dog the Bounty Hunter’ Chapman get shot at. According to CNN:

When a fugitive fired shots at bounty hunter Duane “Dog” Chapman in Colorado Springs, Colorado, Tuesday night, cameras were rolling for his reality TV show, Chapman said. The man, later captured by Chapman’s wife and son, apologized to the Chapmans for shooting at them…[An] attempted murder charge — for shooting while fleeing — will likely be dropped because no gun was found [according to Dog].

When asked how he and his family avoided so many whizzing bullets, Chapman said only that he’d raised his huge mullet into a protective-shield mode where he and his wife his behind. Everyone else just hid behind Mrs. Chapman’s meaty leg.

All of that was very paraphrased, mind you. Or fabricated.

Well this must be a delightful change of pace for Dog. He’s got his show back since he decided not to be racist anymore. Mexico’s decided to let his rat-infested prison sentence slide a bit, and although all native Americans have made it quite clear they don’t want him crashing their tribal parties, Aborigines have given him an open invitation to tour their rain stick factories anytime he’s down under.

That’s who makes rain sticks, right? The Aborigines?

It just looks like a craft they’d be good at.

We thought so.

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And when your dad is Dog The Bounty Hunter, you'd better make sure that you play by the rules, unless you want to end up with 16 gallons of bear mace shot directly into your eyes and a florescent man with the hair of a cheap 1980s stripper shouting the word 'bra' condescendingly at you.

Tucker Chapman can't have known this, though, because he's been locked up in a correctional facility for all kinds of drug-based shenanigans.

In all of his 106 years on this planet, Dog The Bounty Hunter has only cried four times. Three of those happened when he accidentally held his can of bear mace back to front and shot himself in the eyes with it, and the other is when he went on Larry King to explain why he was such a massive racist. 

But now Dog The Bounty Hunter might have a reason to shed a tear for the sixth time. No, not because he's been off the air for so long that he's forgotten which way round to hold his mace can, but because his son Tucker Chapman has been sent to a correctional facility for repeatedly violating the terms of his parole.

That's the same Tucker Chapman, by the way, who sold that tape of Dog The Bounty Hunter being racist to the National Enquirer and thus caused the biggest crisis in Dog The Bounty Hunter's life apart from the time he stood on a rocky shore at midnight and caused six oil tankers to run aground in the mistaken belief that his glowing skin was a lighthouse. Funny how things turn out. TMZ reports:

Dog the Bounty Hunter's son, Tucker was taken to the Oahu Correction Facility on Friday for violating multiple terms of his parole… We're told a parole officer made Tucker check in to a rehab facility, which, we hear, Tucker walked away from. Sources tell us Tucker's parole officer executed a surprise home inspection this week, and didn't like what he found. The PO then brought Tucker in on Friday, revoked his parole and sent him to the slammer. Among his alleged violations — associating with known felons, failing a drug test and walking away from a rehab facility. 

It'd be hard enough to tell your parents that you've got into such stupid trouble whoever you are, but Tucker Chapman's dad – lest you need reminding again – is Dog The Bounty Hunter. By rights, Dog The Bounty Hunter should now be chasing Tucker Chapman down an alley squirting chemical nerve agent at the back of his head while roaring like the Cloverfield monster.

But the fall-out from the racism snafu has left Dog The Bounty Hunter a changed man. Instead of, say, smashing Tucker's head in a car door over and over again until he learns his lesson, Dog has issued a heartfelt status on the matter:

"I am heartbroken that this has occurred, but I am relieved that my son in now in a place where he can no longer hurt himself. To my bruddahs in the system: please don't hurt my son as he knows not what he does. I love my son and wish him the best."

That's right – Dog The Bounty Hunter uses the word 'bruddahs' even when writing a formal statement. No wonder Tucker's on drugs.

Still, though, Dog The Bounty Hunter does have a point. Tucker Chapman is in a place where he can no longer hurt himself. Plus, Dog The Bounty Hunter can totally be as racist as he likes without worrying that Tucker's secretly tapping his phone calls. Result.

Read more: 

Dog's Son Tucker Jailed for Parole Violations - TMZ 

And that's why A&E has decided to start remaking new episodes of Dog The Bounty Hunter, months after the show was pulled off air when Dog The Bounty Hunter started chucking the n-word around in a phone conversation like Christ knows what. 

Nobody is exactly sure what convinced A&E to start bringing Dog The Bounty Hunter back, but one possible clue lies in the locked cupboard full of screaming naked A&E executives who couldn't stop scratching at their burning eyes that was discovered last week. The fact that 'Give me my show back, bra' was also written on the cupboard wall in blood may be another indication.

Dog The Bounty Hunter has had a pretty rough ride of it lately. For all his 84 years up until last November, Dog The Bounty Hunter was invincible – a barn door of a man who'd deliberately grown his hair into a freakish Mad Max mullet just to dare people to even think about laughing at him. Dog The Bounty Hunter had never met a man he hadn't blinded with bear mace, and that was enough to give him his own show.

But that all came to an end in November when Dog The Bounty Hunter repeatedly used the word 'nigger' to describe his son's girlfriend in a taped phonecall. And that was it – frightened to be associated with a racist, advertisers bailed out of his show, A&E suspended production and Dog The Bounty Hunter was branded as the funniest-looking racist in the whole wide world. 

Dog The Bounty Hunter has been on a weird course of rehabilitation for the incident, which has included crying on TV, slowly learning that having a ridiculous suntan doesn't make you black and bewilderingly vowing to be buried in an unmarked slave grave at George Washington's house, and now it's paid off, because A&E is going to start making new Dog The Bounty Hunter episodes again. The New York Post reports:

After a five-month hiatus, A&E yesterday restarted production on the popular series Dog The Bounty Hunter. The show, which documents the life and work of bounty hunter Duane "Dog" Chapman and his family of reformed misfits, is shot almost entirely in Hawaii, where the family operates "Da Kine" bail bonds. "Since the premise of 'Dog the Bounty Hunter' is about second chances, we have decided to give him one," said a statement from A&E. No return date has been set yet. Filming has not started either, according to reports, but producers have begun to gear up by renting cars and hiring make-up artists and camera crews.

What? The premise of Dog The Bounty Hunter is about second chances? Could've fooled us – we always thought it was about watching a funny-looking redneck and his funny-looking redneck family use preposterously heavy-handed tactics to try and spray other rednecks in the eyes with chemical tear gas.

Anyway, despite all the happy talk, it's difficult to see how Dog The Bounty Hunter will be able to have the same fearsome effect as before – all the criminals need to do now when Dog The Bounty Hunter is chasing them down an alley is turn around and shout "I have a black cousin! Don't you know how much your words wounded their heart?" and Dog will either break down and cry or launch into a lengthy confused apology. Either way, crook gets away. 

But that's something to worry about in the future – for now let's just be pleased that A&E has decided to forgive Dog The Bounty Hunter for his wrongdoings and allow his television career to continue out of a sense of pure goodwill.

Well, either that or A&E realised that without Dog The Bounty Hunter it mainly had to rely on a magic show presented by a man who looks like one of My Chemical Romance's Dad for ratings.

Read more:

Dog Out Of Pound – New York Post 

Well, all of us probably. Anyway, Dog The Bounty Hunter has lived with the threat of extradition to Mexico over his head for some time now, after an ill-advised bounty-hunting jaunt there in 2003, but now a Mexican court has dropped his charges.

Dog The Bounty Hunter's a free man again! Finally he'll be able to ditch that ridiculous disguise of his and live his life normally again.

That is a disguise, right? 

Ever since he was taped being all kinds of racist about his son's girlfriend, it's fair to say that Dog The Bounty's life has fallen to pieces. Not only did advertisers yank their commercials from his show faster than you can say "I'm not going to take any chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for 30 years because some fucking nigger heard us say nigger," but it made Dog The Bounty Hunter cry on TV, and that's upsetting in itself because each of Dog The Bounty Hunter's tears are big enough to wipe out a small village.

But let's look on the bright side. Luckily for Dog The Bounty Hunter, he has that bounty-hunting skill to fall back on – plus now his show isn't being televised any more, he longer has to worry about viewers complaining about his extreme hunting methods, so he can unleash some massively unethical weapons on his targets, like bear mace or, um… oh.

But the main piece of good news for Dog The Bounty Hunter is that the Mexicans no longer want him shipped to their country and locked up. You see, bounty hunting is illegal in Mexico, but that didn't stop Dog The Bounty Hunter going there to capture a serial rapist in 2003. Anyway, long story short, Mexico wanted Dog locked up, the US congress wouldn't hand him over and it all got a bit fraught.  

But today Dog The Bounty Hunter is a free man. The Associated Press reports:

Duane "Dog" Chapman cannot be extradited to Mexico to face criminal charges in his capture of serial rapist and fugitive Andrew Luster in 2003, a three-judge panel in Mexico has ruled. "He's a free man," Chapman's San Francisco-based attorney, James A. Quadra, said in a telephone interview late Tuesday. "They can't reinstate any criminal charges and as a result of that, there's no basis for them to then seek extradition."

That's wonderful, and we're sure that Dog The Bounty Hunter will be as sincerely contrite about breaking Mexican law as he was when he was taped being all racist and stuff. Since that episode, Dog The Bounty Hunter has clearly grown as a person, and is obviously more sensitive to what offends others. Right?

Quadra said Chapman and his crew could return to Mexico one day. "Dog loves what he does. He likes to capture the bad guy. If a bad guy is in Mexico, who knows what Dog will do in the future?"

OK, ignore everything we just said. Dog The Bounty Hunter's an idiot.

Read more:

Duane Chapman Free From Mexican Charges – Associated Press 

So now you'd imagine that anyone who wants to escape with their career intact would avoid using that word in public like the plague, wouldn't you? You should try explaining that to Nas, who's decided to step into this odd situation. Not that anyone seems to have noticed, mind you. Nas is bringing out a record that's tediously called Nigger. How convenient. 

2007 seems to have been the international year of racism. In the UK, we’ve had our own racist incidents thanks to Big Brother. Whether it was Celebrity Big Brother, where ex-Big Brother pig-alike Jade Goody called Shilpa Shetty a few rude names, or on normal Big Brother where the posh blond bird called a black housemate a 'nigger', Big Brother was rocking racism like no other this year.

And where we have Big Brother, America has Dog The Bounty Hunter, a man whose loose tongue has literally fucked himself over by spraying off racial epithets into a recorded telephone line. Not only has he made all of his advertisers not want to touch him because of his wacky racist antics he’s probably not going to have any work for a long time, even though he did later explain that he is in fact black himself. Obviously.

So with all hell breaking loose about one word and all social unease and mayhem it can cause, it would only be appropriate that Nas would choose to name his new album Nigger. Does it bother us? No, not particularly. That would be like Eminem calling his album Honky, although it doesn’t quite have the same kind of shock effect as Nas' choice of title. Nas said:

"[People] shouldn't trip off the [album's] title; the songs are crazier than the title. We're taking power [away] from the word. No disrespect to none of them who were part of the Civil Rights Movement. Right now, we're on a whole new movement.” 

Of course, this has all been taken with a pinch of salt because giving albums shock-tactic titles for a sliver of publicity is what Nas does these days. First it was Hip-Hop Is Dead, now Nigger, soon it'll be I Do It With Corpses and nobody will bat an eyelid.

Is a rapper calling his album Nigger and getting away with it double standards when a bounty hunter uses and sees his career destroyed? The jury's still out. Although it's been appropriated by the black community, there's still no running from the word's original hateful negative connotations towards black people, and whoever mentions it now is just stirring up a hornets nest.

We fully expect more media outrage to come next month as Nigger's release approaches, with mothers burning figures of Nas and singing rubbishy rhyming protest songs. More than likely they’ll make him change his album title so the little tykes don’t get their head clogged up with naughty words. Or Dog The Bounty Hunter will release a collaboration album with Nas showing how ghetto he is. It could be more comical then the time John Barnes and New Order made a single together.

And if there's anything sadder than that, it's seeing an overgrown, bright-orange man with a preposterous blonde mullet and leather waistcoat combination openly wonder if he should commit suicide or bury himself in an unmarked grave like the slaves, which is how Dog The Bounty Hunter has spent most of this week to atone for the tape of him being racist about his son's black girlfriend. But even though his career is in tatters and he's become something of a public hate figure, Dog The Bounty Hunter says he's forgiven the son who shopped him in, and wants to prove his forgiveness by only spraying three full cans of bear mace into his son's face next time they meet, when the traditional family greeting involves five.

Ever since Mel Gibson set the rulebook on how to seek forgiveness for being unstoppably bigoted last year, it's been followed to the letter by the likes of Michael Richards and Isaiah Washington who know that to make amends they have to apologise to the public, then offended community leaders, then do some sort of rehabby course thing or make a violent historical epic with a script written in a dead language if things get really serious.

But Dog The Bounty Hunter is going over and above his call of duty to make amends for the now infamous Dog The Bounty Hunter 'nigger' tape which saw him throw out classy one-liners about his son's black girlfriend like:

"I'm not going to take any chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for 30 years because some fucking nigger heard us say nigger and turned us into the Enquirer magazine… If Lyssa was dating a nigger we'd all say 'fuck you' and you know that." 

Lord knows that Dog The Bounty Hunter has his work cut out for him, because A&E has stopped making Dog The Bounty Hunter, stopped repeating Dog The Bounty Hunter and lost a bunch of Dog The Bounty Hunter advertisers. So now Dog is hitting the apology circuit as hard as he can, first telling Fox News that he's realised that he isn't black and now telling Larry King that no matter how much his career has been tainted forever by the tape of him, Dog has forgiven Tucker Chapman, the ex-con son who sold the tape to The Enquirer for $15,000:

"He will not talk to me. His mother's in on it with him. I have been away from her since the '80s so now she is like getting even… I tried to take control of his life. I heard this girl was maybe not being the best for Tucker — and I'll leave it like that — so I tried to interfere. I don't care if she is black at all. He's on parole for a 20 year sentence and if he messes up he goes back. All I want him to know is that I love him very much."

It seems as though Dog The Bounty Hunter is genuinely horrified at his behaviour and – aside from his new plans to be buried in an unmarked slave grave at George Washington's house so people will know that Dog The Bounty Hunter is sorry, possibly with some sort of elaborate grave-marking – he seems to be doing all he can to put things right.

And what could be better to speed this up than a public reconciliation between Dog The Bounty Hunter and his treacherous son? After all, if Dog can forgive Tucker then maybe the world can forgive Dog. And people from all ethnic backgrounds could come and witness the joyous family reconciliation and enter into the all-encompassing interracial spirit of forgiveness.

Well, all ethnic backgrounds except for the stinking Dutch, that is. But who likes them?

It's true. OK, admittedly Dog The Bounty Hunter is a 15-foot-tall, bleach-blonde mulleted redneck who makes his living shooting minor criminals in the face with bear mace and very obviously has white skin, so it might be a stretch to see Dog as black, but that's how Dog The Bounty Hunter described himself in his first post-scandal TV interview. But it's OK, because Dog The Bounty Hunter has learnt that he isn't actually black – which is good because if he was then he'd hate himself and have to spray mace at his own eyes, then manhandle himself a bit while shouting 'bra' into his own face over and over again. And that'd just be weird. 

Like Rambo or Jesus Christ, Dog The Bounty Hunter was a hero to many. If the public ever thought that someone in their street was harbouring a wanted criminal then they could call Dog The Bounty Hunter and let him – along with his wife – shout abuse at them, chase them down an alley, spray a form of tear gas at them and take them back to prison, so long as there was some kind of financial reward in it for him.

But now Dog The Bounty Hunter is learning what it feels like to be chased, with the mace of public judgement and the butch squat wife of political correctness. Ever since a tape of Dog The Bounty Hunter calling his son's girlfriend a 'nigger' hit the internet, Dog's prospects have gone from bad to worse. First A&E halted production of Dog The Bounty Hunter and then, after advertisers distanced themselves from Dog, the station dropped him altogether.

People are currently talking about Dog The Bounty Hunter in the same way they'd talk about Don Imus or Michael Richards or that woman from Radio 2 who can only see black people at night if they open their mouths. But Dog The Bounty Hunter knows in his heart that his is a completely different situation. Dog The Bounty Hunter, you see, would never call someone a 'nigger' in anger because Dog The Bounty Hunter thinks that he's black.

In his first interview since the 'nigger' tape made the internet, Dog The Bounty Hunter appeared on Fox News' Hannity & Colmes show to tell the world why he thought he was black and how he now realises that he was probably mistaken in retrospect:

"There's a special connection that I thought I had between me and black America. And I used to say, 'I'm black, too.' In other words, my whole life I've been called a half-breed, a convict, king of the trailer trash, this and that… so when I stood there and said, 'I kind of know what you feel like, because I've been there, too,' that I felt that I could embrace and like, as brothers… say the word. I now learned I'm not black at all, and I never did it out of hate. This sounds so stupid. I always did it out of love. Other white guys would be like, 'Boy, who does Dog think he is? Dog can say that.' And black guys would be with me and walk with me and respect me. So, I went too far with that."

Even though this line is markedly different to when Dog The Bounty Hunter told his son that "If Lyssa was dating a nigger we'd all say 'fuck you' and you know that," it seems as though Dog The Bounty Hunter is genuinely remorseful for the recorded telephone conversation, and not just because he might not be allowed to strut about on TV like a human Biker Mouse From Mars any more either. Maybe education and time will be the rehabilitation that Dog The Bounty Hunter needs to heal himself and those around him.

Just so long as he's not allowed on TV any more. Seriously, that show was cack. 

But some problems are just too big for one man, even a man whose arms and hair are made of asteroid rock and angel tears respectively. And ever since Dog The Bounty Hunter found a tape of himself angrily telling his son that he didn't like her girlfriend because she was a 'nigger', he knows that only too well. After A&E suspended Dog The Bounty Hunter following his racist outburst, a major company has also decide to stop advertising on his show. Still, Dog The Bounty Hunter will have the last laugh – because that advertiser is going to see its undereducated redneck demographic plummet any day now.

Racism's an ugly thing that only belongs stalking the corridors of hell bellowing at people. By a strange cosmic coincidence, so is Dog The Bounty Hunter – so it was always going to be inevitable that racism and Dog The Bounty Hunter were going to team up at some point.

But now that Dog The Bounty Hunter's nigger-hating rant has ended up all over the internet, meaning that Dog The Bounty Hunter can now ascend to the racist A-league along with Michael Richards, Don Imus and that woman from Radio 2, Dog is more trouble than even he can imagine. You see, the world has turned against Dog The Bounty Hunter just because he chose to order his son not to date a black woman, reasoning that:

"I'm not going to take any chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for 30 years because some fucking nigger heard us say nigger and turned us into the Enquirer magazine."

Silly Dog The Bounty Hunter. In these modern times he should know that you're not allowed to tell your family to split up with people of colour because of the n-word. You can tell them to do it because black people are all second-class citizens who can't swim very well – that's fine – but not the n-word. And Dog The Bounty Hunter is paying the price for his jaw-droppingly offensive tirade. His broadcaster A&E has suspended production of Dog The Bounty Hunter indefinitely, but just to put the boot in even more Yum Brands Inc – owner of KFC, Pizza Hut and Taco Bell – has pulled advertising from the show too, saying:

"It's despicable. We are no longer advertising on the show."

This will sting Dog The Bounty Hunter hard if the show ever returns, mainly because of the ridiculous amount of product placement on the show – around 12,321 instances in the first six months of the year alone. And product placement on shows like Dog The Bounty Hunter is important, because people who watch that kind of show are more likely to see a ridiculous looking man spray a crack addict in the face with bear mace while drinking a can of Sprite and then go "hey, Sprite IS delicious!"

It's unknown whether or not Yum Brands Inc will ever return to placing advertisements in Dog The Bounty Hunter, but we can understand its reticence.

After all, it's bad enough to see a gruff man who looks like a Judas Priest roadie coming back off tour from the planet Steroid wolfing down your products and exclaiming how much he recommends them, but it's quite another thing to consider that one day Dog The Bounty Hunter will turn to the camera, extend a tree-trunk of a finger and declare "you know what I was thinking about when I was eating a delicious large Pizza Hut Meaty BBQ Cheesy Bites pizza just now? I was thinking that I hate all black people."

Frankly we're stunned. Who'd have thought that a man named after an animal, who makes his living by chasing wanted criminals and then attacking them with bear mace, who dresses like he's going to a monster truck convention on the moon 20 years ago, and who constantly refers to people as 'bra' could even be slightly racist. But it turns out that Dog The Bounty Hunter is racist, and as a result his American broadcaster A&E has decided not to make his show any more. Hopefully Dog The Bounty Hunter isn't too sad about this – because we've heard rumours that he cries tears of red-hot magma, and that would never do.

Dog The Bounty Hunter is a force of nature. He dresses like the bouncer of a homoerotic Van Halen-playing nightclub that you'd be far too puny to get into. His voice is so deep that it knocks commemorative plates off mantelpieces 500 miles away whenever he speaks. His hair is so long and lustrous that the navy uses it when it wants to make especially pretty rope. Oh yeah, and Dog The Bounty Hunter is a racist, too.

Of course, when you're in the same line of work as Dog The Bounty Hunter you're bound to get into a bit of trouble here and there, whether you're taking down a gang of crazed meth-heads with bear mace or almost getting thrown into a Mexican jail, you have to be prepared for the worst. Unless you're discussing how much you dislike your son's girlfriend because she's black, in which case it's probably best to not prepare at all and then act all surprised when a tape of you angrily repeating the word 'nigger' hits the internet.

That's what happened to Dog The Bounty Hunter, by the way. A recording of him bawling racial abuse about his son's girlfriend is currently the talk of the internet. Well, the internet and A&E, which has suspended production on Dog The Bounty Hunter, you see, because while an angry man macing crooks in the eye is entertainment, an angry racist doing the same is just despicable. E! Online reports:

"We take this matter very seriously," A&E, which lent its full support to Chapman while kidnapping charges were pending against him in Mexico, said in a statement Wednesday. "Pending an investigation, we have suspended production on the series. When the inquiry is concluded we will take appropriate action."

But what exactly did Dog The Bounty Hunter say to get himself in so much trouble? Well, during a telephone conversation with his son, Dog tried to explain why having a black girlfriend might have the odd negative repercussions. Only he didn't put it like that. What Dog The Bounty Hunter actually said was:

"I'm not taking a chance on some motherfucker. I don't care if she's a Mexican, a whore, whatever. Not because she's black but because we use the word nigger sometimes here. I'm not going to take any chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for 30 years because some fucking nigger heard us say nigger and turned us into the Enquirer magazine… If Lyssa was dating a nigger we'd all say 'fuck you' and you know that."

Here's the tape of Dog The Bounty Hunter being all racist in full, if that's the kind of thing you want to hear. 

But let's credit Dog The Bounty Hunter with some intelligence. Not only in the tape did he helpfully point out that "when we use the word nigger we don't mean you fucking scum nigger without a soul" – a qualifier which, we don't know about you, we're awfully glad for – but he's also apparently got the obligatory Al Sharpton apology out of the way already. So just three more apologies and a spell in some kind of spurious racial rehab facility and it'll all be better.

But in the meantime? Perhaps Dog The Bounty Hunter can put his new-found notoriety to good use by just going after black criminals in the future. He could also let Michael Richards into his crew, because let's not forget he has a similar talent for locating people of colour.

Read more:

Bounty Hunter N-Bombs His Way Into Hiatus - E! Online