Lindsay Lohan stepped out on the red carpet this week looking as young, sexy and stylish as ever. Wait, we mean the exact opposite of that.

The o/b/v/i/o/u/s/c/r/a/c/k/a/d/d/i/c/t starlet was papped at the amfAR New York Gala yesterday sporting tobacco-stained hair, meth teeth and accessorised her hot new look with a Grinch-skin coat and a vacant stare.

Want a look? You brave crusader, you. Just click the jump.

So, let us get this straight – despite looking, and no doubt smelling, like a zombie Farrah Fawcett, Playboy value pictures of Lohan’s vagina at $1million?

We’d sooner pay Li-Lo $1million to surgically stitch her legs together.

Or for NASA to build one of those Men In Black style mind-wipers to scorch this image from our retinas.

THIS WOMAN IS 25. We’ve seen radiation victims with a better complexion. There’s no way she isn’t doing this on purpose now or is this some elaborate prank?

Come April Fools we’ll all be laughing. Won’t we Lindsay? Won’t we?

It must be hard being Pippa Middleton; trying to be a serious business woman and gallivanting around London, made all the more difficult because everyone knows you for being the one with the arse that stole your sister’s wedding day.

Poor, poor Pippa.

But a tabloid picture editor has come forward and announced that newspapers would be offered around 300 or 400 pictures PER DAY of the fitter Middleton, none of which are of her arse.

Paul Silver or the Daily Mail says:

“At the moment we have a situation where there must be nine or 10 agencies outside her door every day”

Hold on a minute… The Daily Mail?

Oh, we get it, all those pesky photographers camped outside Pippa’s pad must be a new breed of immigrant paedo paps that have come over here to make our beloved tabloid photographers jobless and bother our favourite Royal relations.

Those utter bastards.

The Mail obviously never run any of these photos, after all, what paper would run pictures of a woman we never hear speak and is effectively just a bit of posh totty that we’d like to think we have a crack at because she’s not an actual Princess like her older sister.

So this abhorrent invasion into Pippa’s private life is all for nothing, those immigrant paedo paps should just take their cameras back to where they come from and leave us all to bask in the warm glow of Pippa’s loveliness, sans pictures of her posterior splashed across the pages. [Her arse isn't literally splashing on the pages, Ed]

But oh wait, some of those 400 pictures sent to the tabloids everyday actually make it into the papers, because no matter how mundane the middle class Middleton is, her face still sells papers, because it’s attached to that arse that everyone keeps harping on about as if they’re banging you over the head with a double cheeked cushion, shouting, “SHE’S GOT A NICE ARSE, DON’T YOU REMEMBER!?”

We should all chip in and get Paul Silva a replica Queen’s Guard outfit that he can wear on that high horse of his.

The most virile 17-year-old on the planet, One Direction’s Harry Styles has joined the long list of celebrities who have had naked photos of themselves ‘leaked’ to the press.

The alleged picture show a curly-haired youngster posing with his member hanging out the front of his pants in front of a mirror, his face obscured by a camera flash.

The shadowy figure appears to be wearing Harry’s trademark silver dog tags, and is devoid of body-hair; his body seemingly needing the keratin to add even more volume to his white-boy afro. Why not take a look after the jump?

We’re inclined to believed it probably is the young pop-slut, purely because he’s not bothered to actually pull his pants down to take the shot, and we all know that X Factor contestants love a short cut.

That’s not to say that youngest shagger in the West hasn’t strenuously denied the suggestion that he got his bits and pieces out in a bathroom. He has.

Do you believe him?

“]

[Via The Daily Mail (We Know, Right?)

What? Did you think we were going to show you the poor lad’s lack of short & curlies? Well, we couldn’t find an image without the ‘area’ blacked out. He’s only 17.

Cool your jets.

There’s only one-way to find out if it really is him though: colour match it to Caroline Flack’s lipstick.

Guess what tech fans! Those Chinese tinkerers have made another copy of an Apple trademark that’s bound to cause a stir, if not entirely offend fanboys and turtle neck wearers everywhere.

Having already found success with the SciPhone and a full sized replica Apple store, those crown princes of piracy, the Chinese, have now created THE ULTIMATE ACTION FIGURE, in the form of Apple founder Steve Jobs.

Steve Jobs. ACTION figure. ACTION… Steve Jobs?

Girls have their Barbies, boys have their Action Men and now, the long forgotten subset of androgynous hipsters that swathe around Shoreditch coffee houses will have their own doll to play and sexually experiment with.

Naturally, being an Apple product (albeit a fake Apple product) it’s ludicrously expensive, costing a whopping £65, doesn’t work with flash and it can’t play any real games. Not that you’d want it to play games, no, this action figure is all about the way it helps you do your design work, isn’t it?

You smarmy tit.

Rather predictably, Apple haven’t responded to this trademark infringement well. After all, what was Steve Jobs if not another trademark for Apple to profit off of?

Apple issued a statement to the Daily Mail, saying:

“Mr Jobs has not consented to the use of his name and/or image in the product.”

NO SHIT SHERLOCK, HE’S DEAD! We’re no experts, but we’re pretty sure it’s never going to be the easiest thing in the world for a Chinese company to obtain the image licensing rights to a deceased technology behemoth.

Aside from stating the obvious in the Mail, Apple are believed to have started legal proceedings against the two companies behind the Steve Jobs iAction figure, InIcon and Dragon in Dream.

They’re also rumoured to be preparing a press statement for the Independent that will confirm that the Pope is indeed a Catholic.

The British tabloids, and the Daily Mail in particular got to indulge in one of their favourite, and least pleasant, pastimes last week- the vilification of women.

The Mail seems to think that what its largely female readership want is to see attractive young women demonised. Sadly they are probably onto something.

Sometimes you know that what they really want to do is just feature pictures of smiling girls with ‘whores’ crudely drawn over them in crayon.

This time they decided to pick on someone who is just starting to turn her life around after what anyone would consider deeply unpleasant circumstances.

In 2007 a twenty-year old American student went to jail in Italy where she would remain for four years for the murder of a 21 year old woman. A motiveless murder with no solid forensic evidence incriminating her. Well, Knox’s motives that the prosecution had suggested in the trial were ‘satanic ritual orgy’, ‘cult sacrifice’, ‘sex game gone wrong’, and a ‘marijuana-fuelled rage’.

Presumably using the plots from bad movies is a legitimate Italian legal technique.

The jailed woman was of course Amanda Knox, and the murdered woman was Meredith Kercher. Now we weren’t in the room when Miss Kercher had her life cut horrifically short. Like any crime in which we weren’t weren’t directly involved, we only have court decisions to go on. We therefore can only conclude that Miss Knox is innocent as she has not been proven guilty. The presumption of innocence goes back centuries and is demonstrably the fairest and most successful criminal law system used by mankind thus far.

Given this assumption, you might be forgiven for thinking that Amanda Knox therefore deserves some sympathy. The British tabloids didn’t seem to think so. Tuesday’s Daily Mail front page headline was

WEEPING FOXY IS FREED TO MAKE A FORTUNE

This is on the day she has found out she is free. Imagine what the headline would have been if she was laughing?

It seems that regardless of what Miss Knox may be innocent of, she is guilty of being attractive and American. Writers are therefore free to project whatever femme fatale fantasies on to her that they choose. Little has changed since the days of King Edward VIII and Mrs Simpson. In fact so determined were The Mail to demonise her that Thursday’s article on page 7 repeated the accusation

Knox ready to cash in

Was the headline of an article that made no reference beyond pure implication of Miss Knox being  ’ready to cash in’.

There was also a mini-article headlined

Judge: Amanda may know the ‘real truth’

It’s worth printing Judge Claudio Pratillo Hellman’s statement in full because it’s the weirdest legal argument since.. well since ‘marijuana-fuelled rage’.

The truth was created in the trial. But the real truth could be different. They (Knox and Raffaele Sollecito) could be responsible, but the proof isn’t there. So, maybe they know but as far as the jury go, they didn’t.

Thanks for that.

It wasn’t just The Mail of course, but the general concensus was that any relief Amanda Knox showed for being free (as opposed to the rampant reporting of it) was some kind of direct insult of Meredith Kercher’s family. The insult though is that the tabloids decided that the real story isn’t actually the pursuit of the ‘real truth’.

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Tabloid editorial philosophy dictates that when a story is too good to be true, then not only is it probably not, but it almost certainly won’t matter whether or not it is true.

Every so often a news story seems to tick so many of a newspaper’s boxes, but despite the exciting claims made in the headline, you find precious little information in the article itself that backs them up. Normally headlines are written after the story, but not always.

As long as the newspaper isn’t libelling any specific group or individual, then there’s nothing to lose except their credibility. Fortunately this isn’t a massive priority for tabloid newspapers [or us, in fairness, Ed.].

On the front page of The Daily Mail on 26^th August, one such article appeared.

As you all know, The Mail keeps its circulation by maintaining a daily narrative that every aspect of the world that its readers know and love is under threat from dark forces.

PAINKILLERS ‘SABOTAGED’

screamed the headline.

Animal Rights protesters suspected of tampering with Nurofen

Claimed the sub-headline.

So what we have here is a story about thousands of packets of Nurofen Plus, which has a  significant share of the UK analgesic market, being filled with Seroquel XL anti-psychotic drugs by animal rights activists. In case any of you are too young to remember, animal rights activists were one of the popular tabloid baddies before Al Qaeda made terrorism less cool and everyone else took their ball home.

As with other anti-psychotics, the side -effects of Seroquel can include anything from depression (not funny) to a painful and long-lasting erection (a little bit funny).

This is a pretty dramatic attack we’re sure you agree. However, if you read on, the claim that it was animal rights motivated is repeated but the claim is not attributed to anyone. The paper just carried it because it was a health scare, a terrorist attack and probably carried out by hippies.

Last Monday, exactly one month afterwards, a little article appeared on their website (but wasn’t important enough to make it into the main paper the same day) detailing how a 30 year old man was in court charged with tampering with five packets of Nurofen. And all mentions of animal rights have disappeared.

Of course none of this came as much of a surprise to Dr Aomesh Bhatt, the Medical Director for Nurofen Plus who was quoted by a different news source on the same day as the original Daily Mail story appeared:

Nurofen Plus has a firm policy of not testing on animals. We don’t know where the Daily Mail got their story.

We do- from the nightmares of their readers.

Other highlights from last week included…

The flexible morality of The Sun and The Mirror. Remember when the tabloids all expressed disgust at paparazzi photographers trying to sell pictures of a dying Diana? What about pictures on the front page of Michael Jackson’s corpse looking decidedly less busy than it was in the Thriller video? Well that’s completely different. At least The Mail managed to wait until page five.

The Sun missing the REAL Rihanna exclusive. Tuesday’s Sun featured shots of a scantily clad Rihanna dancing about in a farmer’s field near Bangor, Northern Ireland. The leering article (sample quote: “she even whipped out her Bangors”) ended with

the farmer must have thought that all his harvests had come at once.

In the next day’s papers, it turned out that the farmer wasn’t quite so pervy after all. 61 year old Alan Graham became the Daily Mail’s hero when he found the shared ground between protestant principled prudery and ‘farm fanny film’ fearing feminism.

Far from Alan wanting to take Rihanna to the shed for a good milking, he had actually taken offence at the scenes and asked Rihanna to stop shooting.

*sigh*

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Over the summer we had riots and phone hacking. Everything’s gone quiet now and we’re left with the old bogeymen.

The Mail sees global warming as some kind of conspiracy that involves the BBC, the lib dems, Richard Dawkins and someone at a council who wants to rebrand Christmas as Winterval.

In fact on Monday they managed to combine a climate change story with another of their favourite topics when they discovered that wind turbines were immigrants (‘Two thirds of the UK’s wind turbines are foreign-owned’).

It’s this obsession that has inspired them to make one of the biggest stories of the week actually be about a book with a factual error in it. This isn’t normally news, but this time the book was an atlas and the error was an exaggeration of the effect of global warming on the coastline of Greenland. Therefore making it all into a sinister plot to force people to recycle their glass for the twisted sexual pleasure of Guardian-readers.

On Wednesday they managed to compare the liberal democrats to flat-earthers accusing them of “clinging to long-disproved theories in unshakeable denial of realities staring them in the face”. On the same page there was an essay about the vast exaggeration of global warming.

The Sun gets our thumbs up for hysterical headline of the week. Ken Clarke is the kind of Conservative of whom the right wing press is very wary. For all his faults (and believe us, he has them) he’s a libertarian and a pragmatist. Pragmatism requires compromise.

The more passionate people are about a news story, the more newspapers they’ll buy, so dressing up compromise as defeat is always good policy to make the masses see red. Remember IRA terrorism in Britain? In order for that conflict to be resolved, pragmatism was required. Do you think the tabloids saw the big picture or do you think they just tried to stoke the anger of their readers every time anything was given to Sinn Fein? Incidentally we always liked the way they were referred to as ‘the troubles’. There was something stiff upper lipped about it. We’d like to see more patronising understating of serious issues. Palestine and Israel can be rebranded ‘the tiff’. The Arab Spring would be ‘the hissy fits’.

Anyway back to Ken.

Ken has been trying to get prison reforms pushed through the House of Commons. We won’t bore you with the details, but the aim is to reduce the prison population which has more than doubled in the last 20 years.

Tuesday’s Sun helpfully condensed the reforms down to the wonderful headline ‘Ken: Free All The Monsters’ like an order from an insane scientist.

And to think there are those that think that the press stifle debate just as much as they encourage it.

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Rock God Cliff Richard has today admitted to pulling off the most incredible rock n’ roll stunt in history after throwing his secretary of 40 years from a jet cruising at 25,000 feet. The star of ‘Summer Holiday’ and ‘God, What A Terrible Calendar’ has been trying to shake off his ‘granny’s favourite’ tag by hanging out with Peaches Geldof & Ke$ha and was also spotted in a London nightspot challenging Daniel O’Donnell to a scrap.

It’s a sad decline for one of Britain’s best-loved celebrities. From the moment the last shutter sounded on the infamous calendar shoot of 2010, Sir Cliff decided he still “had it” and wanted to attempt to break the world record for shagging his way around an issue of Grazia. He started by seducing Kelly Osbourne using the “I used to know your dad angle” but quickly moved on when he realised that he could never replace her dead dog.

The former detrimental presence in front of The Shadows was recently interviewed in The Sun where he claimed that his life of worship and abstinence meant that he could spend his twilight years pretending to be “f**king Jesus Christ himself” if he wanted to.

After a coke-fuelled sex binge on his private jet, Cliff is reported to have become enraged when his secretary burst into the room with the intention of discussing his personal appearance at the Berlin Christian Hasselhoff Appreciation Gala. Supposedly the German bookers had realised that he wasn’t ‘The Hoff’s’ dad as Cliff’s latest PR material had suggested.

Upon interrupting his good time with up-and-coming ‘It’ girls Tamarah & Samarah Booth, Sir Cliff supposedly picked the woman up in what has been described as an ‘aroused bear-hug’ and threw her from the side door of the jet. Miraculously, Ms Snow happened to have a one-person parachute stowed in her handbag and survived the ordeal; her only injury being the psychological scarring of feeling the touch of a coke-addled Cliff’s engorged member against her.

The singer hired Gill Snow in the 1970s to help organise his hectic work schedule and she had been a constant presence in his team ever since. Confirming the news, Snow told the Daily Mail:

“It’s over and I’m on to a new phase of my life. The office is continuing. A new [Cliff Richard] tour has just been announced and a new album. I’m glad he threw me out of that plane. Really glad.”

All’s well that ends well, we suppose. hecklerspray would like to wish Ms Snow good luck in the future and Sir Cliff the speediest of rehabilitations.

That popular bogeyman, the BBC, has had to suffer the slings and arrows of British newspaper writers again over the last few weeks. It’s been very quiet since Christmas in tabloid-news terms. That doesn’t mean that there hasn’t been plenty of events that have been shaping the world- simply that there hasn’t been adequate stories to keep tabloid readers interested.

Nothing sells better than incensing people and given them that warm fuzzy glow that comes from feeling indignant. The Eastenders Cot Death Story Controversy should not be confused with The Eastenders Cot Death Story.

The latter revolved around one of its central characters losing her baby to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, and then stealing anther character’s baby. The former asks some terrifying questions about the BBC about whether they hate all ‘right-thinking’ people.

They were accused, disturbingly, of making fictional programmes about dramatic subjects. We know what you’re thinking- why can’t they just stick to programmes of desperate people dancing badly to keep the proletariat happy? Well apparently that’s not enough for the liberal media sickos at the BBC. They insist on having programmes full of things that have just been made up! Even worse some of the things that have been made up are things that have happened to people in the real world.

Even the Daily Mail, normally first to point the finger of filth at the nation’s broadcaster, realised that this wasn’t decent enough grounds to vilify the Beeb. They reported it, but their heart wasn’t especially in it. We say heart. We mean pacemaker powered by the broken dreams of illegal immigrants.

This was The Sun’s story really, but luckily there’s a plethora of busy-bodies, pressure groups and attention-seekers always on hand with quotes for friendly journalists.

The Mirror, without the slightest trace of irony, had a quote from mumsnet accusing the episode of being

“a cynical ploy to make headlines by creating controversy”.

The Mirror also carried a quote from someone who lost a child who was concerned the (entirely fictional) story would reinforce the (entirely fictitious) stereotype that bereaved mothers “go mad and steal babies”.

“I had so hoped the EastEnders storyline might have paved our way to campaign more loudly than ever, but I am disappointed” said Anne Diamond in The Sun whilst using the controversy to pave the way for her to campaign more loudly than ever.

The Sun justified attacking the BBC further with the front-page headlines ‘Sam Quits Enders Over Cot Death’. The idea being that even Eastenders actress Samantha Womack was outraged by the soap plotline, the article featured plenty of information from ‘a source’.

A source of bullshit, evidently, judging by the page 3 of next day’s Mirror- ‘Womack told a pal “it’s ridiculous to claim I quit because of the storyline”.’

So it’s a source versus a pal with no-one actually speaking to the actor who had filmed the scenes that she was so disgusted by. Oh well, this isn’t just a conversation between newspapers is it? Presumably their readerships were outraged too?

A quick look at the comments on the newpapers’ websites would suggest otherwise. They were seemingly as perplexed as everyone else about what the fuss was about, and a week later everyone had forgotten it even happened.

The following Monday, the Daily Mail suggested that even prostitution was off limits. Do they think we’ve never actually watched a British soap-opera before? They didn’t actually suggest it themselves the article just started with the hilariously half-hearted ‘Eastenders will invite fresh accusations of sensationalism’. The accusations didn’t follow, and the controversy stayed dead.

The true lesson to be learned by the BBC from all this, is that not every criticism is going to turn into a licence-fee worrying disaster just because publications with naked self-interest hand out pitchforks and flaming torches to the public. Sometimes the public are smarter than editors give them credit for.

And what about those who felt genuinely upset by the soap? Well, maybe people with empty lives who find it easier to write a letter than operate a remote-control don’t deserve to have their voices heard.

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It’s been quiet for the tabloids this week. Things have gotten so bad, they’ve been forced into covering politics! Admittedly their coverage of the Labour leadership has been more like the video for Two Tribes by Frankie Goes to Hollywood, but with Liam and Noel Gallagher cast as the cold war leaders.

There was such a severe dearth of decent celeb-stories for them to cover that The Sun reported the revelation that Kate Moss was taking Folic Acid, popular amongst hopeful and pregnant mothers, by having a page long banner calmly announcing “KATE’S ON ACID”.

The Daily Mail accused Madonna of being undignified and not acting her age because of some saucy Dolce & Gabanna pics, although when Helen Mirren is pictured scantily clad, it’s a triumph for the representation of older women everywhere. The Mirror decided to dedicate a front page to Coleen Nolan almost having her arm ripped off (known in some circles as not having her arm ripped off) when handling a pony, the content of which amounted to a more sober ‘ex-pop star breaks finger’ scoop.

Fortunately there’s still one story with mileage and that was the ‘evil dead-eyed Eastern European succubus definitely didn’t have sex with David Beckham’ controversy.

There has been unanimous disapproval for the woman even Jesus would invariably refer to as “that lying whore, Irma Nici”. She’s been the object of the type of demonisation that multi-national news companies normally reserve for working-class women in Sheffield who forget to update Social Services of a change in their circumstances.

The gist of the story is that the media are so outraged on our behalf that this woman has claimed to sleep with David Beckham as a short-cut to fame, that they have given her extensive front-page coverage thus ensuring her total anonymity. Luckily the papers act in the confidence that they occupy a moral high ground since they would never give money to someone selling a story about sleeping with a celebrity.

Things took a new twist with claims that she could identify distinguishing features on his willy but according to The Sun, the Beckhams have a secret weapon. Whenever our nation is under attack by foreigners, it is only a matter of time until someone invokes the name of our favourite balaclava-clad super-soldiers, and so it was that they reported that the Beckhams had “engaged former SAS soldiers to help destroy Nici’s claims”. Yes, that’s right, our elite fighting force have got involved. They’re going to storm the embassy where the claims are holding the truth hostage and calmly shoot the evil lies in their heads. Their stupid metaphysical evil lying heads.

On Wednesday The Sun, who by this point had relegated all other global events to a footnote on page 12, reported that the Beckhams would donate any money gained from the court case to a charity. An entirely made-up source referred to as a “pal” of the couple stated “any cash retrieved from this liar will help sick kids”. So essentially, if Nici does win the case she will have been responsible for the deaths of children. Where will her web of evil end? Find out next week, when we bring more entries from the diary of our hardworking tabloid journalists, the fearless truth-seekers.

This article was edited, and all spelling mistakes destroyed, by former SAS soldiers.

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Who ever said that the Daily Mail wasn’t a source of intellectual nourishment? What callous, idiotic fool would say that there’s anything in the Daily Mail that wouldn’t result in a person having a far more positive and enlightened outlook on the world? Surely it’s a well established fact that the Daily Mail is one of the most progressive and forward-thinking publications on the market today.

While you’re pathetically shaking your head with that lefty-liberal burble of “Ooh, well, I don’t quite know about that,” while you drink your skinny macchiato, Richard Littlejohn takes a sip from a blue lagoon and initiates the ‘You Couldn’t Make It Up’ macro on his smashed up Time computer from 1997 which writes entire articles at the touch of a button.

While you tuck into your locally sourced organic vegetable platter (or something) Paul Dacre is probably tearing the flesh from a locally sourced, organic kitten while laughing maniacally as his politically radical slave spraypaints the words “Atheist Yobbo Twunts” onto the bottom of a drained swimming pool.

Yes, the Daily Mail is progressive to the point of being post-apocalyptic.

It is only when Jan Moir takes to the collective keyboard (one per group of ten) and criticises other people for a shocking lack of taste, that the world is liable to descend into the horrific and utterly fictional image of a right-wing dystopia described in the previous paragraph. It’s the kind of hyp0crisy which could tear a hole in space-time causing every nuclear weapon on earth to detonate simultaneously, throwing us into a parallel universe.

Of course, Jan Moir would still be the absolute pinnacle of good taste and the common decency of the world. Let’s face it, Stephen Ireland’s (he plays for Aston Villa) interior décor choices are definitely an important thing for an award winning columnist to focus on. After all, the personal life choices of celebrities have always been something that Ms Moir has been able to cast aspersion on from her well-appointed home which sits atop a 55km pedestal in the Earth’s stratosphere.

While Moir sat tapping out her diatribe, probably surrounded by muted cream tones and tasteful artificial flowers from shop for-the-already-dead, Laura Ashley, she spat into a Laoki spit-bucket from IKEA. So sickened was she by the idea that an overpaid Irishman might want to have his name on things that she turned away from her copy of VIP magazine toward her press clipping of her article on the death of Stephen Gately (framed in an oak frame with a simple ‘precious memories’ motif) and shed a solitary tear. After all, he’s spent most of his professional life with his name written on his back. Why shouldn’t he want to see it in front of him occasionally?

How dare this rich man want to have lavish things in his home? An aquarium?! What an affront to fish! A pink princess-themed bedroom for a FIVE year old GIRL?! Surely that’s unreasonable even to the most common mind. How dare this family have a home which is decorated to their own tastes and preferences? Doesn’t he know he’s got money and must therefore consider how some columnists’ eyes might be mortified into a permanent state of flickering bitterness?!

The ire and unrepentant rage that is felt when one has to look at a footballer’s home in a publication which is only available in Ireland so often provokes such anger that there’s no choice but to send it to a newspaper columnist to be replicated for her intolerant readership to guffaw heartily into their toast (white) and coffee (again, white).

It’s just the way life is. It’s an affront to taste and decency. As the Daily Mail is so famous for stating “not in my front room!”. Of course, it’s not in your front room. It’s in his. In fact it’s Moir who’s guilty of forcing this drivel into people’s front rooms on a weekly basis.

Still, at least she doesn’t have a fish tank.

Editor’s Feeble Aside: Please note that any lawyers taking umbrage with what has been written here should be aware that many of points made were entirely satirical and intentionally not based on fact. Facts aren’t as funny… as well you know.

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He might be a sex addict, but remember that David Duchovny has feelings – well, not on his penis, we’re presuming that he wore all the nerve ending off that years ago.

But, anyway, David Duchovny has feelings, and those feelings are easily hurt. For example, why do you think that David Duchovny hasn’t directed a movie since 2004′s House Of D? Because that movie was so hamfisted and borderline offensive that nobody dares let him behind a camera again? No, it’s because the critical reaction hurt his feelings. Probably.

Something else that hurts David Duchovny’s feelings is when people say he’s been having sex with people he hasn’t been having sex with. So when The Daily Mail claimed that David Duchovny had a full-blown sexual affair with his tennis coach, his feelings were hurt immeasurably. You couldn’t put a price on how hurt David Duchovny was. But if you had to, it’d be $1 million. And David wants that money now. Now. No, really. Now.

When it comes to David Duchovny, there are certain things that you can and can’t say about him. For instance, you can say that X-Files: I Want To Believe was such a disappointment that you’d be happy if he never worked again, or that his TV show Californication is so bad, largely because of his own doughy face, that just thinking of the word ‘Californication’ makes you want to pull your jaw out and smash it into your eyes now.

You can even say that – as a self-confessed sex addict – it seems as though David Duchovny is just a big greedy child who lacks the basic self-control to respect his wife, whether it’s by having sex with other women or just hammering his sweaty little mushroom into a stump in front of the internet until his lap ends up looking like like a large and unusually hairy glazed Krispy Kreme doughnut. We’re pretty sure you can say that.

But what you can’t say is that David Duchovny had an affair with his tennis coach Edit Pakay. The Daily Mail said that earlier this week, and now David Duchovny’s suing it for a million dollars. Fox News reports:

Duchovny filed a lawsuit in the Los Angeles Superior Court on Wednesday for defamation and invasion of privacy against The Daily Mail, seeking no less than $1 million in damages. On October 18 the well-known tabloid claimed that the “Californication” star was having a “full-blown sexual affair” with his tennis teacher Edit Pakey and that he had planned to leave his wife of 11 years to be with her.

Because David Duchovny apparently wasn’t having an affair with his tennis coach – who incidentally, it’s claimed, wasn’t even his tennis coach – the report caused him ‘substantial harm’. A million dollars’ worth of harm, in fact.

For what it’s worth, we haven’t had sex with any tennis instructors recently either, so if there are any newspapers that would like to pay us a million dollars for that as well, we’d appreciate that. Just so everyone knows.

Because she's pregnant, Lisa Marie Presley has very naturally bloated out to the size of, say, Luxembourg – but that doesn't mean she's very happy about it.

You see, Lisa Marie Presley was only forced into confirming the pregnancy because The Daily Mail ran some pictures of her looking so fat that you'd think she needed to be transported everywhere on a reinforced forklift truck.

But Lisa Marie Presley isn't fat, she's pregnant. And so wounded by the thought that a British newspaper would have the nerve to call her fat that she's suing The Daily Mail. Nobody knows what Lisa Marie Presley will spend her damages on if she's successful, but the smart money's on cake. Cake and biscuits. And pies. Oh, and sausages. Lots of delicious sausages.

Here's a secret – last week we almost ran a story on those Daily Mail pictures of Lisa Marie Presley looking all fat. We chose not to because the whole story would have basically just been 'Ooh, look at the big fat wobbly lady! Ooh fatty fatty fatty! Ooh fatty fatty fatty! Want a sausage, do you, love? You gigantic fat chunky fatto!' and because we were probably running a more important story about Lindsay Lohan's tits or something instead. 

Anyway, it's just as well we didn't – because now Lisa Marie Presley is on the warpath. As she pointed out last week, Lisa Marie Presley only looks fat because she's pregnant. And, as the law states, if you call a pregnant woman fat, she can sue you for it.

So that's what Lisa Marie Presley has done. And, as anyone who's ever accidentally sat on a bus seat that a pregnant lady had her eye on knows only too well, The Daily Mail is about to get in the ear something chronic. Reuters reports:

"My client is deeply upset and offended by this article, especially as it was widely published just as she and her family were meant to be celebrating her happy news," said lawyer Simon Smith, who will represent Presley at the High Court… Presley, 40, wrote last week that she had been forced to "show my cards and announce under the gun and under vicious personal attack that I am in fact pregnant. "Once they got a glimpse of my expanding physique a few days ago, they have been like a pack of coyotes circling their prey whilst eerily howling with delight," she wrote on her blog at MySpace.com.

"Eerily howling with delight"? Either someone's been taking one of those nonsense creative writing day courses or all those cakes have got jammed into Lisa Marie Presley's brain and stopped it working properly. Maybe someone needs to sit Lisa Marie Presley down and tell her that actually, yes, she has been putting on quite a lot of weight. And that's because she's pregnant. You don't magically stay the same weight when there's a human being growing inside you draining you of nutrients, do you.

Anyway, suing a right-wing newspaper just because it said you're fat when actually you are fat should be the least of Lisa Marie Presley's concerns at the moment. Because in a few months, Lisa Marie is going to have to give birth to her baby. And the last time a Presley that size tried to push something that big out of their body, they ended up snuffing it on the crapper.

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Lisa Marie Presley sues Daily Mail – Reuters