Which is why we’re now going to talk about the latest TV appearance by Peter Andre, where he gets all boo-hooey and says he’s all about his kids and stuff, and then completely fails to see the connection between apologising for his life in the spotlight then announcing he has a new reality show currently filming.

What a tool.

See? We’re not just mean to Katie Price.

Though she is a giganto-titted monstrosity of Lovecraftian proportions.

Following Jordan’s appearance alongside the slithering mass of matter playing itself off as human (known by many as Piers Morgan), we all secretly hoped this would be the end of things.

In fact, it wasn’t a secret hope at all. We just wanted this parade of monumental stupidity to end before we decided to end ourselves.

Unfortunately, the Australian with an IQ almost equal to that of a glass of water decided he should have his say and – true to the character he’s been portraying to the media – Peter Andre was a big ball of crying, caring, “honest” mess on This Morning.

“Honest” of course, because we have minds of our own and can see straight through any bag of carefully-managed PR “emotion” these celebrity types try to throw our way.

While we’re all for the whole “not talking about Katie Price in a bad way” angle and the whole “she shouldn’t really have gone on about the miscarriage on telly, as that’s a bit private” spiel, we can’t help but think he should have just shut up and cried a bit more at that point.

But bless the Aussie fool, for he doesn’t exactly help himself.

After the line of:

“It’s our fault… I know I’m going to make mistakes. Sharing your life so publicly can be a mistake.”

You would think Peter Andre would then learn to keep schtum and not flap his natterhole about anything else which could possibly harm his case. Well…

In fact, there’s no point in trying to put it any better than it’s already been done – read this sentence by the kids at Digital Spy, take it in and really think about what it says:

Andre added that he is now focusing on his children, his new album and his recently announced reality show, which began filming three weeks ago.

We’ll be honest, it’s not that hard to see what we’re getting at here, but we do know some of our readers struggle with basic literacy.

Peter – you come across like a mentally-deficient puppy, so it’s hard for even hecklerspray to hate you, which is why this comes from our barely-beating, shrivelled and calloused heart: stop the madness, retire from the public eye, get a job in a pub and bring up the kids to avoid this shit.

Though that would mean we’d have less to write about…

9 - Want to see the most nightmarish Robert Pattinson doll that will ever be made? Oh, OK – Best Week Ever

8 - Science: women ARE slags after all – Telegraph

7 – Take That throw a big girly tantrum about Ronan Keating – Popsugar

6 - Male gold-diggers do exist, you know. Look, here’s some – Complex

5 - Vote for your favourite TV show of the year. Do it do it do it – BuddyTV

4 - And now, how condoms are made – I Am Bored

3 - Hey, here are some funny-looking animals. Funny! Funny animals! Funny! – ABC

2 - Crying men. Beautiful - Liquid Generation

1 – The seven worst guitar solos of all time. Sadly no All You Need Is Love here, but number one made us cry with laughter for a solid minute – Spike

Therefore, we’ve decided to crown Kim Kardashian as our favourite girl in the whole wide world. Following that tape she made where she had loads of sex with that bloke, Kim Kardashian has apparently been sobbing her eyes out because she was voted off Dancing With The Stars this week.

True, that means there’s a full 18-month gap between Kim Kardashian having sex and Kim Kardashian crying, but we have to take what we can get. Anyway, the point is that Kim Kardashian was sad to be voted off Dancing With The Stars last night. But on the plus side, Kim can use this new free time to really try and work on closing that gap between the sex and the crying, maybe getting it down to a week or a good night’s sleep.

Differences between Britain and America, volume 14 – on British dance-based reality TV shows, the contestants tend to be retired journalists and wholesome television presenters. In America, though, they tend to pick people who are only famous for having sex on the internet.

And that’s how Kim Kardashian ended up on Dancing With The Stars this year, alongside that other noted sex tape star, 82-year-old Cloris Leachman. We’re just kidding, Cloris Leachman has never made a sex tape. But we heard rumours about a filthy wax cylinder once.

However – and we’re not going to pretend we know how – Kim Kardashian was voted off Dancing With The Stars last night, and reacted in the same way that most of us would if we discovered that our home nation had rejected us due to our participation in a grotty little sex film a year and a bit ago. People reports:

Though she concluded the show with a playful rendition of one of their earlier dances, once the cameras were off Kardashian rushed to the waiting arms of her family and immediately broke down into tears. Kardashian’s publicist followed the inconsolable bombshell around the press line with a box of Kleenex since, once the waterworks started, there was no stopping the outpouring of genuine emotion.

Yeah, we know all about following Kim Kardashian around with a box of Kleenex, right boys? There was no stopping the general outpouring of human emotion that night! Right? Anyone? Boys? No? Anyone? Too much?

Anyway, Kim Kardashian’s partner seems to think that her innate shyness was what got her thrown off Dancing With The Stars. You see, Kim Kardashian just doesn’t like performing in front of large groups of people like that. She prefers intimacy, you know. Intimacy and a camera. Intimacy and a camera and a bloke’s ding-dong slapping around the inside of her mouth. Give her all that and Kim Kardashian probably would have won Dancing With The Stars.

Still, Kim should realise that there’s no point getting upset about being voted off a reality TV show. These moments are always a stepping stone to bigger and better things, so who knows? Maybe this time Kim Kardashian will be starring in a sex tape with two men. Or two men and a horse. Or two men and a horse and a pregnant diarrhea-stricken midget dressed as Heather Mills. The sky’s the limit.

Shows what we know, huh? In fact, Christie Brinkley has turned up at the courthouse on the first day of her divorce trial looking so weepy and emotionally frazzled that we were half expecting her to literally tear her own heart out of her chest as a graphic demonstration of what her cheating husband did to her.

Christie Brinkley was so upset, she says, because she really didn't want her divorce to reach a courtroom. We can see her point – it must be galling to have to go through a painful experience like a divorce in public. Especially when, like Christie Brinkley, you're the one who doggedly stipulated that the trial had to be conducted in public in the first place. We're welling up just thinking about it.

As a supermodel, Christie Brinkley knows what she wants and what she doesn't want from her husbands. What she wants is for her man to write hit pop songs about how much more incredibly beautiful she is to other people than he could ever be. What she very specifically doesn't want is for her man to meet a teenager in a toyshop and have it off with her a bunch of times.

Peter Cook must have missed that nugget of insight, because that's precisely what ended their marriage. But it's not all bad, because Christie Brinkley has become so furiously embittered by Cook's shenanigans that she's decided to divorce him in full view of the public, which means we'll all have plenty of chances to hear any number of stories about a middle-aged man having sex with a girl easily young to be his daughter. All of us. That's fun and not creepy at all.

And that's where we are today. The Christie Brinkley/ Peter Cook divorce kicked off not so long ago, and Brinkley is going to make absolutely sure that Cook gets nailed. She's already lined up 44 different witnesses to spell out what a cheating shit he is, but just to reinforce that point, Christie Brinkley arrived at the courthouse looking as if she could burst into tears at any moment, as the New York Daily News reports:

Supermodel Christie Brinkley was on the verge of tears as she arrived for the first day of her divorce trial Wednesday morning. Wearing a white shirt and khaki skirt, she clutched her lawyer's arm for support and nearly broke down as she addressed the media outside the courthouse in Central Islip, L.I. "I'd hoped with all my heart we could have settled this out of court," she said.

Yes, it's understandable that Christie Brinkley was so upset, but everyone has their own way of dealing with heartbreak. Some throw themselves into work, others turn to drink – Christie Brinkley's method just happens to involve lining up 44 different people and having each them explain very slowly what a dreadful man Peter Cook again and again is before the media so that the news will eventually trickle back, possibly through vicious-minded schoolyard taunts, to their two children. It's a perfectly natural reaction.

Anyway, it's fortunate that Christie Brinkley's fit of almost-tears didn't last too long, because that would have delayed the opening arguments in the divorce trial. And they need to get out of the way as quickly as possible, because the first witness Christie's calling is Diana Bianchi, the very girl who slept with Peter Cook and knackered his marriage. Chances are you'll be hearing about that tomorrow.

But for now we should just salute the fiendish emotional manipulation of Christie Brinkley, a woman who seems determined to make Peter Cook wish he'd never set foot in that flipping toyshop in the first place.

Still, it could be worse – Peter Cook could have married Naomi Campbell. God knows how many mobile phones he'd be prising out of his face if he'd tried any of that nonsense with her.

A far cry from the one we’re about to tell you. Now we’ll be the first to admit we don’t keep up on the day to day soap opera that is rap music. Last we heard Young MC had an evil twin or something, Andre 3000 came back from the dead and Erica Kane was about to cut an album.

Also the fellow known as Young Buck got kicked out of 50 Cent’s thingy called G-Unit. We’ve got a link to a wonderful place on the next page wherein an audio recording of a phone conversation Young Buck had with 50 begging for reentry into the group can be heard.

The guy even cries in it.

You gotta be careful on the telephone. Why just the other day we found a website that had over 50 of our call-in pizza orders for the public to hear. It wasn’t that exciting, really. It’s just us saying words like pepperoni, extra cheese and cat sliced extra thin. But the point is we had no idea those calls were to be kept forever.

Hulk Hogan is a recent victim of all this too. So is the guy that called him with a mouth-full of death threats. Paula Abdul & Alec Baldwin have both thrown themselves in front of the internet sensation train too. And now Young Buck has joined the club. After checking literally 20 different websites, we finally found a quote with fleshed out sentences and vowels in the appropriate places. For that, thank you sandra Rose.com:

“After slinging mud at G-Unot and 50 Cent, Young Buck tears up in a phone call to Fiddy and begs Fiddy to take him back into the fold cause he’s, well, broke. On the other hand, this call exposes the fraudulent lifestyles most of these rappers live. All that perpetrating like they’re millionaires when in reality, they’re broke and borrowing from Peter to pay Paul.”

Take a a listen for yourself right here.

It really is a call – and Buck actually does start to cry in it. To spare his feelings, let us just say it’s ok for men to cry now and again. Why, we remember seeing our father cry lots of times – and in the fetal position too. It happens every year on our mother’s birthday. We’re not sure why exactly, but the clues we’ve put together over the years involve leather underwear and a high-dive. That really is all we know.

Dad listen, if you ever need to talk…

Except one – thanks to a heartbreaking oversight, Vassilis Fotopoulos' speech after winning the Best Art Direction Oscar for Zorba The Greek in 1964 was cruelly omitted from the proceedings.

Oh, and everything Whoopi Goldberg ever did. Despite winning an Oscar – and being the Oscars host on four separate occasions between 1994 and 2001 – there was no sign of Whoopi Goldberg anywhere in all the endless montages on Sunday. And that made Whoopi Goldberg cry. On TV. Video after the jump.

Jon Stewart had better watch out, otherwise he'll fall prey to the Curse Of The Oscar Host. It's a curse you may not have heard of, mainly because we've just invented it, but it's still true. It involves people who have hosted the Oscars becoming uncontrollable emotional wrecks about shit that nobody cares about on television. It started when 2007 Oscars host Ellen DeGeneres wailed about a puppy on her TV show, and now it's continuing with four-time Oscar host Whoopi Goldberg.

You see, thanks to the writers' strike, Sunday's Oscar show was brimming with the kind of dreary nostalgic clip montages that bore the life out of you if you're young and falsely reinforce the idea that things were better in the past if you're young. On and on they went – there's Cuba Gooding Jr, there's David Letterman, there's Celine Dion, there's fucking Snow White singing a bastardised duet of Proud Mary with titting Rob Lowe for christ's sake – and yet nobody thought to include any Whoopi Goldberg.

And on The View yesterday, Whoopi Goldberg had tears in her eyes thanks to the upset that goes along with being ignored by a tedious clip package in an over-long, obscenely smug awards ceremony. Look, here's the video…

Ridiculous, isn't it? After all, we didn't see any Xena Warrior Princess in any of the Oscar montages, and we doubt she's particularly cut up about it.

Then again, as the women on The View pointed out, Whoopi Goldberg was only the second black woman to win an Oscar and the first woman to host the Oscars at all, which does make her slightly significant. Maybe the clip researchers should have double-checked their list to make sure they weren't leaving anyone important out.

Or maybe – just maybe – the only person in the entire world who even slightly cares about any of this is Whoopi Goldberg, and everyone else is happy that she was left out of all the montages because it made the Oscars five or six seconds shorter than they otherwise would have been.

Still, though, Whoopi Goldberg's tearful reaction to the snub just shines a light on the difference between her and her predecessor on The View. Because if Rosie O'Donnell had hosted the Oscars and missed out on a montage clip, the Kodak Theatre would be a mess of rubble, steel and fragments of Jack Nicholson's skull by now.

Read more:

Whoopi Goldberg Chokes Up Over Oscar Montage – People 

At some point between Christmas and the new year, there's going to be an ITV documentary broadcast entitled JK Rowling … A Year in the Life, all about Harry Potter creator JK Rowling and her adventures completing Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows. But the documentary also shows what JK Rowling gets up to in her spare time which – in between posing for giant statues of herself made from one giant diamond and offering the poor £50 to spend a week as JK's Dancing Monkey Slave – mainly involves going to places where she used to live and crying a lot.

Even though she's quite old, 2007 will stand out as one of JK Rowling's most emotional years. She's experienced just about every human emotion on a grand scale over the last 12 months, from heartache at deciding to kill Harry Potter to relief at changing her mind at the last minute, from pride at seeing Harry Potter's naked penis performing solo in sold-out shows to such brazen celebration of her own flesh that she whapped her bra out for some kids.

But none of this could come close to the emotional sledgehammer of returning to the place where she wrote the first ever Harry Potter book Harry Potter And The Weeping Genital Sores and its more successful follow-up Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone – an incident that was fortunately being recorded for a Christmassy ITV documentary all about JK Rowling's year.

On December 30, ITV will broadcast JK Rowling … A Year in the Life. It's the first time JK Rowling has ever allowed cameras to document her life and, as such, the first chance she's ever had to show the world that she's not a completely humourless, emotion-free robot who takes herself so seriously that it's uncomfortable to watch.

And the easiest way for her to do that was to go back to the flat where Harry Potter was born and sob a bit. According to The Press Association, part of the documentary sees JK Rowling return to the Leith flat where she finished writing the first Harry Potter book, only to find that the new residents have Harry Potter books in their bedroom. Rowling said:

"This is really the room where I finished Philosopher's Stone, here. This is really where I turned my life around completely. My life really changed in this flat. I feel I really became myself here, in that everything was stripped away, I'd made such a mess of things. But that was freeing, so I just thought, 'Well, I want to write,' and I wrote the book and, 'What is the worst that can happen? It gets turned down by every publisher in Britain, big deal. It's really back to the wall time here'. For years now I've felt that if it all disappeared, and some days I do feel like 'is it real?', then this is where I'd come back to, this would be my base line, I'd be back in Leith."

Admittedly she'd return to Leith to bulldoze it and use it for the site of a peculiarly skaghead-heavy offshoot of The Wizarding World Of Harry Potter theme park, but it's nice that she's thought about it.

And even nicer that JK Rowling has finally shown some emotion for once. She'll win a lot of fans with her teary outburst. Not enough to make anyone buy the next book she writes that isn't about Harry Potter, admittedly, but still quite a lot.

If only we could shake the feeling that JK Rowling was only crying because she realised that she used to live in a flat that's smaller than the room where she currently keeps all her fancy hats in her new house…

Read more:

JK Rowling in return to former flat - Press Association