Have you seen Domino? It’s just about the worst film ever made. That includes the ill-advised Garbage Pail Kids movie which some idiot wasted his money on making. And the reason that Domino is so bad lays entirely at the feet of the godawful Keira Knightley – an English accent designed to occupy a thong.

Of course, criticism and Keira are common bedfellows. Where Knightley goes, people muttering about how dismal she is, is never far away.

Apart from in glorious America, where they’re dim enough to like her. The USofA is just about the only country gullible enough to buy her schtick of being a not-ugly posh English girl of no-fixed-talent. And she’s noticed.

The dreadful, dreadful actress feels she gets more support as an actress in America than at home in the UK. That’s because the UK has a dreck-filter, not like in America where they’ll gobble up any ol’ gash. Want evidence? Americans will happily watch Two And A Half Men and The Big Bang Theory in their droves, whereas everything the UK produces is absolutely brilliant.

Apart from Knightley.

The Pirates Of The Caribbean jobsworth who, in her new film ‘A Dangerous Method’, realises that her acting abilities are so stunted, that she must take on a role that sees her getting spanked while tied semi-naked to a bed (you have to generate interest somehow, right?), admitted to GQ that she gets upset when people point out how gaspingly awful she is at her job.

Keira said:

“The Americans are generally a lot more supportive. They generally like the work a lot more than they do here. It is what it is, I suppose. It could just be that I’m not to a lot of people’s tastes. Which is fine.”

“Well it’s not, obviously. You want to be to everyone’s taste… But. I think it’s better to do your own thing rather than try to please everyone and just be this mushy thing in the middle.

“Sometimes it’s like water off a duck’s back, and sometimes it really hurts… and then you go away and cry for an hour or so, and then you pick yourself up again.”

There you go. We’ve all been making Keira Knightley cry. Something that no-one has ever been moved to do after watching one of her performances… unless you include the bitter tears of frustration as you watch a young talentless div sloping around a set for huge sums of undeserved money.

It’s been such a difficult few weeks for poor Kim Kardashian. First her loving marriage breaks down in a record 72 days and had to deal with everyone and their petit chien saying that the marriage was a sham. Then her clothing line gets slated by lamb loving, angry at seal clubbing, children’s rights groups because they are supposed to be made in Chinese sweat shops.

And now it seems that Kimmy Kardash has been fiddling with someone else’s willy and balls while she was seeing Reggie Bush. It isn’t just any old two bit estate agent (or “realtor” as those crazy Yanks call them) though. Oh no, it’s douche-cock extraordinaire Kanye West isn’t it?

Get those smelling salts out.

Ultra-alopecia and ex-Kanye sex sufferer Amber Rose has came forward and told everyone who’d listen that while Kimothy Klux Kardashian was seeing NFL star or something, Reggie Bush, she was also seeing West, while they were dating.

“She’s a homewrecker! They were both cheating. They were both cheating on me and Reggie with each other. She was sending pictures, and I was like, “Kim, just stop. Don’t be that person”"

That’s what Rose told almost everyone before waxing lyrical about her new love, who we don’t care about.

Now, this isn’t going to make much of an impact on the reputation of the Kris Jenner Sex Worker Sect, there’s still other members of the family to be flaunted.

Maybe Jenner could get Khloe to have an affair with Prince William (alas, with Kanye in the fray and rumours of Kobe Bryant getting salivated over, she really does seems to be only choosing people who have names that begin with K) or use Kim’s arse as advertising space for Pepsi, they’ve clearly got as much self-respect as cockroaches.

And just like cockroaches, it’ll be the Kardashians who come out on top after the Apocalypse, flaunting radiation burns and cholera as the new fashion, while taking their pick of the mutated.

Who’ll probably still be much better in bed than that Kanye West.

Poor Kim Kardashian. Aside from being bafflingly influential and disgustingly wealthy, she’s had a troubling 2011. Remember people accusing her and her family of dealing with sweat shops? Remember her 40 second marriage to some hoop chucking dillweed?

Well, that’s all about to change!

Yessum, 2011 has taught Kimly Kim K that, if things are going to get better, then she has learned that she need ‘to always follow her heart.’ All she has to do now is grow one.

The Famous For No Discernible Reason Human got into the spirit of New Year as she partied with her mother, Kris Jenner, at Tao Las Vegas. Wait. That’s not right. That’s what losers do. What kind of dweeb hangs around with their own mother on the one night you’re encouraged to drink your liver deathward and tap off with people you’ve just met?

Either way, People magazine have quoted her as saying:

“I learned to always follow my heart”

How bad did things get? Well, more awful than you can ever imagine. Not only did she move in with her mother, but she also… and this is incredibly difficult to write… she didn’t wear any make-up over the Christmas period. She said:

“I didn’t wear a stitch of make-up”

Because she wears so much of the stuff, we can only assume that her real, naked head is roughly the same size and a half-melted peanut M&M, like that guy from Beetlejuice.

Either way, stood in her thigh-high Gucci dress and Loren jewels, she’s now ready to move on.

“I’m looking forward to moving forward, and never looking back”

“Who else is soooo ready to let go of 2011 and have the best 2012 ever!”

Yay! Here’s to all those other people who have had a disastrous PR year in the fallout of a sham marriage! And there’s been quite a few of those!

Y’know, once upon a time, we would’ve speculated about the gayness of the people involved in these convenient marriages wouldn’t we?

We are all getting far too lazy.

The Klan Kardashian got a lovely message for the holiday season from a human rights organisation. Where they just exchanging pleasantries? Of course not. Human rights organisation are always serious, always fretting and forever shouting about stuff.

Assuming that they weren’t offering high-fives to the Kardashians, we have to ask: What have they supposed to have done now?

Well, some group in hemp hats claim that the reality TV dimwits’ clothing lines are manufactured in horrific Chinese sweatshops where the workers are “abused and virtually imprisoned.” Still, at least Kim K is getting aroused. By brutal sweatshops or something else?

Charles Kernaghan, executive director of the Institute for Global Labour and Human Rights, says:

“The Kardashians are in bed with some pretty bad people…”

No. They aren’t talking about Kim’s sextape with Ray J.

“I would be clearly stunned if these factories were even minimally decent, because that isn’t how China operates”

The Kardashians apparently make $65 million a year from junk like this, and will be hoping that all this is just plain wrong. However, the clothing lines (which include include K-Dash by Kardashian, ShoeDazzle, and the Kris Jenner Kollection for QVC) are allegedly made in foreign sweatshops, where workers are subject to “inhumane conditions.”

Kernaghan continued:

“You can’t talk during working hours. You can’t listen to music; you can’t stand up and stretch. You can’t even put your head up and look around, or you will be screamed at. If you get permission to use the toilet, you get four minutes.”

Sounds like working for a bank in Britain in fairness. Alas, the wages in these factories are a bit lamer. The clothing manufacturer in China that made the Kardashians’ clothing line for Bebe last year paid factory workers just eight cents for each shirt they completed. According to China Labor Watch, staff often worked 12 hours a day, six days a week for the hourly wage of $1.75.

Still, that shouldn’t spoil Kim Kardashian’s quest to shag every single celebrity on Earth who has a name that starts with a ‘K’ (look out Cheggers and K-Fed) as she’s managed to erase all those suffering Chinese children from her mind by imagining fun-times with the barely filed for divorce Kobe Bryant.

There’s loads of brilliant rumours flying around that Kardashian wanted the Lakers star so bad that she got her mum, Kris Jenner, to leaked some very unpleasant details about Bryant’s sexual escapades to his wife, leading to the divorce being filed.

How great is that? Yeah. Forget about those suffering children in factories being bullwhipped by bug-eyed task-masters.

PS: The Kardashian family are totally suing over the sweatshop allegations. Lawyers, piss off.

The internet can be a dark and cruel place full of cyber bullies hiding behind anonymous usernames and bastards like us, who are rewarded by the mainstream media for having blogs dedicated to slagging off celebrities.

Ha!

In fact, the internet is such a vile cesspool of hate that the stars have come out and whinged about how they’re being made fun of too much and it hurts their feelings and that people should care about their pointless little lives and treat them as humans and not the dancing monkeys they actually are.

Those bastions of integrity, Miley Cyrus, Kelly Osbourne and the ugly Kardashian sister, have all taken to the internet in order to criticise it for it’s propensity to bully and ridicule, something we here at hecklerspray would never stoop to.

After all, who are we to ridicule a group of talentless shills that are only famous for having a relative who either wrote a well known song or made a particularly boring sex tape.

Whilst Khloe Kardashian is content with just stomping her Jimmy Choos and whining about how horrible the internet is, she profiteers her sisters name. Osborne and Cyrus are doing something about it, by saying that social networking site Twitter should ban all cyber bullies from its site.

What Kelly, Miley and Khloe are going through is obviously so much worse than the countless young people and adults that are bullied both in person and online on a daily basis. After all, how are they meant to cope? It’s not like they have millions of dollars in the bank, an array of in varying countries houses and staff to wait on them hand and foot.

Oh, and of course, it’s not like they have PR people to help them maintain their own image.

What’s that? They do! Well, maybe they should stop complaining about how hard their lives are and front some anti bullying campaigns.

Feel free to quote all the dreadful, bully-sounding things Kelly Osbourne has aimed at other celebrities in the past decade or so.

As if Kim Kardashian’s awful and gut-wrenching break-up with Kris Thingummydumbass wasn’t awful enough – not only for her, but the entire watching, breathless world – she’s been rocked by a tragedy involving boots.

Did someone, possibly sick of her television antics, insert one into her backside with great force?

No. It’s far, far worse than that. Seriously. Read on for the most harrowing celebrity news story you’ll ever read in your entire life. Far worse than anything involving propofol or being filmed urinating on minors.

Holding back the tears, we discovered that Kimmy Kim K was having the most traumatic episode in humankind’s 400 year history.

She was worried that she was going to have to sleep in her high heeled boots because she couldn’t get them off.

That’s right. Her gigantic calf muscles were imprisoned inside some spray-on boots and she tried for nearly half an hour to prise them away from her weeping feet.

She said to a traumatised twitter:

“Can’t get my boot off &I’m all by myself! Don’t know what 2 do! LOL I need someone to pull it off! Been tryin 4 20mins! #SleepingInStilettos”

Nearly 3,000 people committed suicide at the news and, worried about Kimmly Kardoodlibobs being at the end of her notoriously long tether, emergency helplines were set-up to console fraught fans.

Kimmo considered alerting her sleeping 14-year-old half-sister Kylie Jenner to come and help her.

“Do I wake up @KylieJenner to help me take my boot off? I’m really struggling over here! LOL Grrrrrr”

Then, much like the relief shown when those Chilean miners emerged from the underworld, the entire universe cheered when the good news arrived!

“Finally got my boot off! pheeewwwww”

Now, the world is again at peace as Kim is now able to carry on doing her hugely important jobs around the world. We are so very, very lucky.

The Kardashians are the closest thing America has to a Royal Family. Basically, they’re incredibly wealthy, do very little to earn it and are gigantically dislikeable yet still, we watch them when they’re on the TV, muttering swear words under our breath.

At least Americans don’t keep Kim Kardashian in velvet femidoms with their taxes like us gullible Limeys do.

Of course, with royalty comes sham weddings and of course, Kim K recently tied the knot with Kris Humphries who, bless his stupid thick skull, is only just working out that perhaps, perhaps, Kim Kardashian didn’t even vaguely love him and, in fact, used him as a breathing prop for her television show. Ain’t love grand?

Naturally, Kris Humphries is too thick to form proper sounds and would take hours to manage a simple ‘PUH’ noise, so we have to rely on trustworthy, eloquent sources to chatter on his stupid behalf.

God. We can only hope that they’re not making up a load of old shit about him!

Anyway, sources very close (as in, ‘stood right behind him but he’s too dim to notice’) tell TMZ:

Kris is gunning for an annulment based on fraud because he feels “he was just slotted in the plot line of Kim Kardashian’s latest headline and newest business venture.”

Kris believes (or; has been told by someone who can breathe with their mouth shut) that Kim never intended to stay married to him. However, she needed a groom to hike up the ratings for her show.

One source says:

“Once they were finished taping, she just didn’t need a groom anymore.”

Poor ol’ Kris. He’s nothing more than a pawn. People surrounding Kris are also noting that he’s showing signs of fury because there’s some that think he was in on the wedding scam:

“He would have never flown in his childhood pastor to marry them and involve his church.”

Or, he’s preposterously stupid. He’s a man who has probably tried to kick the moon everytime he sees it in the night sky.

Either way – THE DIVORCE NASTINESS IS ON! WAHOO! HULK MAD!

We all know that Kim Kardashian’s wedding was a big con. It’s as plain as the nose on her vaguely famous face. Still, we all let America have a moment with it because they wanted their own Tesco Value version of the Royal Wedding and no-one wanted to kill their buzz.

And now, the entire population of the United States of America is dazed and confused, unable to trust, bereft of loving thoughts because Kardashian’s marriage came to an abrupt halt and things seemed fishy. No. Not like that.

With the USA finally cottoning on that the whole thing was a TV induced sham, a man has come forward to underline that point with his Stabilo Boss highlighters. And this man is Jonathan Jaxson, a man who not only has a preposterous surname, but also, used to work as Kim’s publicist. This means he knows exactly what she’s like, right? RIGHT.

Jaxson, who worked with Kardashian (it’s here you’d normally refer to the subject by their job title to refrain from overuse of their name, but alas, we’re still not sure what Kim Kardashian actually does so we’ll just have to break the rules slightly, okay?) from 2007 to 2009 has been dubbed a master of media manipulation.

What a great thing to be able to do! He’s probably manipulating us all right now. Anyway, this master of the dark arts says:

“She knew weeks before getting married she didn’t want to do it”

“She’s never gotten over ex Reggie Bush”

Reggie Bush, of course, is Kimmy’s ex-beau and they used to get up to things like this…

Anyway, while Jaxson was talking with his mouth-hole on the ‘The Elvis Duran Morning Show’, the publicist also revealed that he had “staged” a number of media stunts for Kardashian while she was his client.

“I staged several of the moments that the world has seen of her, such as a ring that we alleged was from Reggie Bush”

“It was December 26, 2007 – I remember the day. She was going to go shopping with her grandmother and her mom and we said, ‘Let’s do something to get more press for you.’ She said, ‘Perfect. Let me go to a ring store and walk out as if Reggie Bush were proposing to me… I have ring I love and adore – it’s seven carats. I’ll keep it in my purse.

“It was calculated to a T and then it was leaked to a magazine”

Who would’ve ever guessed that people in the spotlight would be so vacuous and underhand, eh?

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“Wanna get married?”
“Alright (checks watch) but I can only do it for 72 hours.”
“Okay, cool, best get a move on then.”

This is obviously what Kris Humphries casually said to Kim Kardarshian over a pint down their local pub one night; both dressed in velour.

So, with a list as long as a human leg of celebrity marriages that we have so gullibly followed and photographed, why is another tits-up-wedding SO scandalous and shocking?

For decades we have followed celebrities through their mixed-up journeys from the first spotting of an engagement ring (ooh!), to watching them break the news to the press (yay!), to then purchasing a copy of Hello! Magazine lapping up the double page spreads of plastic smiles and awkward-arms-around-the-waist-from-behind shots in the perfectly manicured gardens.

We start to feel genuinely rather happy for these couples and their long and prosperous life together. Congratulations Celeb, through all the silicon and surgery, you finally found LOVE! Real, unadulterated human love! But hang on a minute, why are we all now ferreting around in our pockets to fork out another fiver for another Hello! mag claiming to cover the FULL STORY about your divorce on page 6? WE ARE NOT MADE OF MONEY!

“So Kim, why the fuck bother?” is a question currently teetering on the edge of many tongues. Why didn’t you save yourself the time and the pain and the money? (Oh, wait, you did save on the money). You wouldn’t have had to do any pre-wedding crash diet or gym sessions, or faff around with florists and bouquet designers, or stress about picking a crop of bridesmaids who can’t be too fat because they won’t fit in the wedding pictures, or too skinny because they’ll show you up/steal your husband.

There would be no pretending your mother-in-law isn’t making everyone drop a pack of Neurofen like they were at a Skins rave, or go through thousands of pain-staking dress fittings to only get accidently poked in the minge with a sewing needle. There would be no nightmares about accidently telling your fiancé you think his dad is fitter than him or any worry about losing the passports before the big honeymoon.

And most of all, there wouldn’t be any flashes of cold feet when observing your soon-to-be-husband dribbling cornflakes down his t-shirt, and thinking: ‘Oh god, you’re hideous”, whilst beaming through a fake smile of secret hatred.

Keeping in mind this cynical theme of what ALL WEDDINGS are actually like, if you’re going to do it, why not do it PROPERLY. And that also goes for the publicity stunt. Why 72 days? Didn’t they know Britney had already grabbed these headlines the first time round in 2004 with her quick-in-and-out marriage to the dude-whose-name-no-one-can-ever-remember?

Britney rang her lawyers crying a mere 55 hours into her marriage, which is probably the rough time it took her to sober up. That’s the time nowadays that the morning after pill is still effective after getting fruity the night before. So, you’re basically, Britney and her old flame decided to sack off the whole marriage malarkey in the time they could have had a shag, a lie-in, go shopping and then casually pop into Boots for a little bit of last-minute-birth-control? That is the type of story people gawp at. It’s as though Kim went to the hairdressers and got her hair cut an inch shorter, to then afterwards complained that she wasn’t getting as much media coverage as “that time Britney shaved all her hair off.”

We’re bored, love.

Another reason Kim and Kris’s wedding drama comes in as sloppy seconds is because Britney just got a bit too pissed. You know, like when you think it’s the best idea in the WORLD to dance to 50 cent with your boss right before an 8am meeting. It’s just a temporary blip; we’ve all been there. You’ve all had a few, your colleague Neil is looking more attractive by the second and you’ve still got another hour of dancing left in you. As it gets later, you’re realising how you are not just single anymore, but you have entered into the new realms of being REALLY and VERY single. On the Single Scale, you are now a healthy 9 and for goodness sake you want to save yourself before you reach a 10. That’s why Britters had a story to tell, even though people would never admit it, they can actually relate to her, as she fucked up and had a ‘but it was a good idea at the time’ sob story.

It is for these reasons why Kim Kardashian has pissed off pretty much everyone. It seems too scripted and too neatly tied up, just like the stack of dollar bills piled up in her bank account. Greedy bitch. This is why we cannot relate to this story and no-one likes being conned by a busty brunette Barbie. The sensationalism to this story is not something most people can relate to, as surprisingly, not everyone can have their wedding filmed for a humble 17.9 million American dollars, and for most people who live in the real world: divorce is bloody EXPENSIVE. And not to mention that with divorce comes some seriously nasty disagreements about who gets to keep the dog.

What an absolute waste of time, money and paper. Just think about the poor trees every time you see a Kardashian on a magazine cover. The TREES! It’s not just us. Vera Wang is livid for pain-stakingly crafting three wedding dresses, taking the time to make them chesty enough to control Kim’s massive knockers; Hansen’s in LA who whipped up £20,000 worth of eggs and flour for their ridiculous cake, and not to mention poor Kris, who looked like he’d gone and had a spray tan for the occasion and everything.

This was a guest post by Emma Gannon who has a lovely face but a terrible, nauseating musk. You can abuse her here if you like.

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Kim Kardashian is hurt because she has to defend herself from accusations that her wedding was a publicity stunt and she’s insisting that she would ‘never marry for a TV show’. Get that? NEVER.

This is Kim Kardashian who has somehow spun gold from dung, via a leak of a sex tape which looked for all the world like it was shared with the world byaccidentonpurpose.

And now, filing for divorce after 72 days of marriage, she can’t understand why people would think that the whole thing – which made her almost $18 million – is being viewed as a huge cash-grabbing scam.

Speaking to 2Day FM’s Kyle & Jackie O Show, Kim – whose nuptials were televised on her TV show – said:

“I do want to make clear that I would never marry for a TV show, for money, or anything like that. I think it’s really ridiculous that I have to defend that. I guess that’s what comes along when you film your wedding for a reality show.”

It was though. C’mon. It clearly is a ruse to earn coins for nothing.

In a statement posted on her official website, she said:

“First and foremost, I married for love. I can’t believe I even have to defend this. I would not have spent so much time on something just for a TV show!”

She would.

“I share so much of my life on a reality show, that contemplating whether to even film my wedding was a tough decision to make, and maybe it turned out to not be the smartest decision. But it’s who I am!”

Indeed. Someone who can orchestrate something that resembles a genuine emotion in order to translate it into a wage from a television station.

“Everyone that knows me knows that I’m a hopeless romantic! I love with all of my heart and soul. I want a family and babies and a real life so badly that maybe I rushed in to something too soon. I believed in love and the dream of what I wanted so badly.”

Shush. Don’t be silly. You did it for the money. We all know. You don’t have to pretend.

“I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn’t get off when now I know I probably should have. I got caught up with the hoopla and the filming of the TV show that when I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn’t know how to and didn’t want to disappoint a lot of people.”

Everyone is disappointed now. It doesn’t matter. Just come clean. You did it for the money, didn’t you?

She did. We all know she did it for the money. Not that anyone should rightly care – marriage is a ridiculous, outdated practise anyway. She’s right to exploit it.

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Can you believe it? Kim Kardashian is getting a divorce after 72 days of being married to some 40ft freakshow called Kris Humphries. It’s shocking isn’t it? The most lucrative love story the world had ever seen, is finally over.

Of course, it isn’t over. We’ve got a round of chat-show appearances to go yet, where Kim will gently wipe a solitary tear away while talking of her very real pain and whatnot. But effectively, it’s over.

And the pair have released some statements so we can all clutch our Rosary beads and worry about these poor fragile souls and generally make the same joke about the sanctity of marriage over and over again on social networking sites.

In the past, Kardashian has been photographed next to x-rays of some buttocks in a bid to prove to us all that she hasn’t had arse-implants (are they even a thing?).

Now, we strongly suspect she’s going to be snapped next to x-rays of her chest as she tries to convince us all that she really does have a broken heart.

You can stop laughing at the notion of Kim Kardashian caring about anything other than herself now.

In a statement given to E!, she said:

“After careful consideration, I have decided to end my marriage. I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision.

“I had hoped this marriage was forever, but sometimes things don’t work out as planned. We remain friends and wish each other the best.”

Meanwhile, a nonplussed Kris Humphries said, via his rep:

“I’m committed to this marriage and everything this covenant represents.”

“I love my wife and am devastated to learn she filed for divorce… I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.”

Get that? The poor, lumbering giant had no idea. The poor dimwit is still wondering what went wrong. He’s rubbing his eyes (roughly the size of a spaniel’s head) with his big clumsy hands and feeling his second emotion, ever. The current one is a confused sadness… the first, of course, being that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you realise you’re being fellatated by a woman from a sex tape.

Either way, love is dead. You may as well kill yourself now.

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What do you do when you’ve got no discernible talent? Well, if you’re lucky enough to be deemed attractive enough or, indeed, considered to be someone with a vague something to lose after a sex tape, you can forge something of a career out of very little.

However, if you’re savvy enough, you’ll constantly remind everyone that you exist with a variety of non-events that keep gossip columnists from having to actually think of any articles to write.

And here lies the success of Kim Kardashian. She’s a one-woman PR machine, dedicated to simply existing, occasionally opening her mouth, playing the wounded card every other month and of course, babies and weddings. It’s the latter that’s the soup of the day.

America treated Kardashian’s wedding like it was their own version of the Royal Wedding. In many respects they were right to do so because neither party as any particular use. In Kimmy’s favour, at least she doesn’t cost the taxpayer any money.

Enough of that though. See, Kim needs us all to remember her. And as such, she got married eight weeks ago and now, it already seems like it’s over.

We did warn you about this. When you’ve got nothing to sell, all you can do is sell your feelings – real or otherwise. And so now, we’re dealing with cod-sorrow. No. She’s not been bullying fish, rather, her husband who we’ve never heard of – Kris Humphries – has been seen without his wedding ring on while carrying cardboard boxes.

A source close to the couple has told MailOnline:

“I don’t know when they’ll announce the split or why they got married in the first place but they are done.”

“They are divorcing. Kim has been staying in a New York hotel which Kris has failed to visit.”

Other publications have stabbed in the dark, saying that Humphries has been partying without Kim, flirting with “multiple women” and “acting like a single man”.

MULTIPLE WOMEN. What a delicious phrase.

Next week, of course, there’ll be articles detailing that the pair COULDN’T BE HAPPIER and that they’re looking forward to STARTING A FAMILY.

This, of course, will no doubt see Kim pretending to lose the baby early in the pregnancy, giving her the chance to cry on a chat-show and the whole thing will stagger on until the scant few who cared tire to the point of complete apathy or, indeed, someone else comes along.

HURRAY FOR CELEBRITIES!

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We all fell to our knees and cried all the bones out of our bodies with tragic joy when Kim Kardashian married some stupid American sportsman we’ve never, ever heard of. We got told his name and forgot it immediately.

He sweats for a living and says “110%” without any sense of irony or something.

Anyway, because they’ve both got working reproductive organs, they’re already bored of each other’s company and are eyeing up getting a baby in the house for much needed distraction from their clawing banality. And the best bit is, Kim K – sex-taped and reality starred – understands how long this will all take. Kinda.

Kimmy Jong Kardashian is speaking with her mouth and saying she’s ready for some intelligent conversation and so, wants a gurgling child to talk at.

And now she’s put a specific timeframe on the project!

She said:

“I think we want to figure out where he’s going to play an where we’re going to live [first].”

“Give us a year.”

See, normal humans take around 9 months to have a baby, so it’s good that Kimly Kardoodleton understands that she can’t have a baby, like, now.

Unless she steals one from outside Mothercare.

Hopefully, we won’t get to see Kim and her no-mark meat-brained husband actually trying to make the baby itself. Gawd knows we’ll never quite get over seeing Ray J air-humping beside a bored looking Kardashian in that not-intentionally-leaked-at-all sex tape.

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You may have looked at Kim Kardashian’s wedding to Kris Humphries and thought to yourself; ‘Cor. This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Real love can truly blossom, despite a history of leaked sex tapes and buttock implants.’

You may have thought that because you’re pretty dim. See, we told you ages ago that this marriage would hit the rocks, and quickly.

Not because we don’t believe in love and, indeed, even celebrities can find the real thing… it is more a case of Kardashian not standing a chance. Why? It might have something to do with her incessant need for attention.

Despite the fact that Kris and Kimmy only got married roughly 30 seconds ago, we knew it wouldn’t be long before things went the way of the pear.

Fact is, once you get married, you have nothing but childbirth to anticipate. You think Kim Kardashian is going to look after some children? Do you think she’s even willing to push them out?

Like hell.

And so, the only thing to do is get divorced. And that’s exactly what some source is saying because they want some money for doing absolutely nothing.

OK! have reported that Kris is finding it hard in the limelight and that, worse still, Kris “says what he thinks” which can sometimes “cause friction” between him and the rest of the Kardashians. Now, they’re “headed for an annulment.”

A source added that Kris “still can’t get over how long she takes to get her hair and make-up done and makes quips.”

We eagerly await the official statement saying ‘everything is fine’ and that ‘in fact, they couldn’t be happier’ and that both are ‘looking forward to the future’.

How tedious! SOMEONE GIVE US A MURDER TO REPORT!

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