Skin’s nice, isn’t it? The biggest organ of all the other organs in your body, according to the internet (though our liver is probably jostling for that accolade), and really good for when you want to stop your other, smaller, organs from falling out and making a mess on the carpet.

Its also pretty good for making a special outfit to wear to old Buffalo Bill’s Valentine’s Day party.

People always say you need to look after your skin, which we do by maintaining a full, thick layer of Vaseline at all times. Beyonce has been looking after her skin, though, by making it white! Seriously. Step away from the Tippex, B, people are starting to think you might be a bit of a racist.

That’s right, in a bid to make all black girls everywhere feel inferior, Beyonce has been whitewashed yet again.

A new picture has been released to promote her actually-really-boring album 4, with tantalising side-boob action and stockings, if that’s what gets you going.

She also looks pretty much completely white (and also like she might be holding in a fart, but that’s not the main issue here) which is, when you come to think about it, really quite racist.

Just like in 2008 when she was edited down to a light beige by L’Oreal.

These pallid publicity shots kind of suggest that, to sell to a wide (white) audience, Beyonce and her ‘people’ think she’s got to whiten up.

So, you know, a pat on the back to everyone, really. It’s the 21st century and we’re still apparently not willing to buy stuff advertised or made by black people.

Nice one, everyone, really. Well done.

This was an article written by Becca Day-Preston who, in all seriously, will probably kick your teeth inward if you try messing with her. Okay?

Beyonce is, no doubt, about to fill her Facebook with pictures of her baby despite the fact it has no hair, can’t talk, is probably doing a shit right now and essentially, is like every other baby on Earth. New parents are ghastly aren’t they?

Worse still, is that people are constantly asking people how ‘baby’ is before launching into high-pitched squeaking and saying things like “Amoojieboobieboo? Schmookibaba? BABA? Boogliewoogiedoo? Awopbopaloobop alopbamboom!“

So now, Beyonce has given her first interview about Blue Ivy Carter (who recently became the youngest person to hit the Billboard chart apparently… we’re not sure… didn’t Stevie Wonder have a baby on Isn’t She Lovely?) and she won’t stop going on about it. She even talks about Jay Z being covered in faecal matter.

Speaking to Star magazine, Bey admitted:

“Nothing can describe the feeling. You have the instant connection once you know your child is growing inside you, but when you hold it for the first time, the words can’t be found”

The words can’t be found eh? Won’t stop you releasing some awful, saccharine ballad about it all, will it?

When asked about J-Hova, Beyonce said:

“He would not have missed it for anything. He is a very protective and loyal guy by nature. He is a very protective husband, and since we found out I was pregnant I have seen the protective father in him. He is not only an inspirational artist, he is an inspirational husband. I know the next step on his journey is going to be being an inspirational father.”

Jesus Christ! Have you heard yourself? It sounds like Beyonce swallowed a self-help tape during labour! And apparently, Jay won’t be boxfresh, brushing his shoulder for long. He’s going to be up to his famous neck in dung.

“He will change diapers, of course he will. He is going to be a very hands-on father. He has already said publicly that providing isn’t love. Love is being there. Love is doing the little things for your child.”

And, of course, not saying ‘bitch’ in songs. Still, if you’re not annoying feminists, you’re annoying hospital goers, right? Beyonce added:

“Security was very tight but not just for the sake of it. It was for the security of our daughter – that was always the most important thing and everybody involved made it such a safe and smooth process. As usual, certain things have been made up or exaggerated but that seemed to be the story of the pregnancy.”

LIKE A COLLAPSING STOMACH PERHAPS?

Either way, Beyonce is going to have to work twice-as-hard to bring back Sasha Fierce because, as well you know, new parents are nothing more than dewy-eyed, sentimental radishes, blushing at each skidmark and steady-vomit from their gurgling little berks.

We’ve lost her, haven’t we?

Jay Z famously had 99 problems but, a bitch wasn’t one of them. And from now on, bitches won’t ever be a problem because he’s decided that he’s not going to degrade women anymore. And it’s all because he’s had a stupid baby with a stupid name.

Ain’t life a funny thing?

Seriously. The rap mogul has vowed to drop the word from his lyrics after the birth of Blue Ivy Carter. Now he’s got someone to care about, he’s realised that referring to women as bitches isn’t really that nice. Of course, his wife, mother and any other female family member must feel more than irked because he’s been happy to call that lot bitches for the best part of 20 years. There’s more! Jiggaman must be extra sensitive because he told us this news via a poem! A POEM! All this, while someone was naming a species of fly after his ‘bitch’, Beyonce.

In the poem, the rapper wrote in his neatest handwriting:

“Before I got in the game, made a change, and got rich/I didn’t think hard about using the word bitch/I rapped, I flipped it, I sold it, I lived it/Now with my daughter in this world I curse those that give it.”

He’ll still be using ‘ho!’ though, right? Apparently not! There won’t even be bikini-clad girl in his videos because he went on to swear that he’ll protect her and that the “degradation has passed”.

He writes:

“No man will degrade her, or call her name. I’m so focused on your future, the degradation has passed. I wish you wealth, health and insight. Forever young you may pass. Blue Ivy Carter, my angel.”

Mercifully, there’s a bunch of other rappers who will still be selling a million records to continue the use of ‘bitch’. And of course, in time old hip hop tradition, we’d like to point out that we’re not being sexist. Ho and bitch are only ever aimed at those women who act like hos and bitches. Okay?

Peace. One love. Big pimpin’.

Oh, and in other news, scientists have just named a horse fly with a golden rear end after Beyonce. No, honest. It’s a rare Scaptia (Plinthina) beyonceae species of horse fly and scientists have said:

“It was the unique dense golden hairs on the fly’s abdomen that led me to name this fly in honor of the performer Beyonce as well as giving me the chance to demonstrate the fun side of taxonomy”

See bitches? Things aren’t so bad are they?

It is testament to how much people hate parents when you consider that, prior to having a baby, Beyonce Knowles was quite possibly the most admired woman on the face of the planet. And now look at her…

EVERYONE HATES BEYONCE.

See, she’s had her baby with Jay Z, sidestepped the fake bump rumours and slapped the name of Blue Ivy on the child, but it was her time in the hospital that has seen everyone go from COO! to BOOOOOO! I HATE YOU! YOU ROTTEN STINKER! And now, there could be some kind of official investigation at the hospital where Blue Ivy came into the world.

Instead of everyone fizzing with post-natal excitement, what we’re actually faced with is an investigation from The Health Department after families claim that they were mistreated while Beyonce was given VIP treatment.

Stupid, hateful Beyonce with her freakum hospital gown on.

Beyonce’s stay at Lenox Hill Hospital in NYC has caused a number of complaints, and basically, they claim that families were kept from seeing their newborn babies in the neonatal intensive care unit because they’d been barred by J-Hova and B’s security guards.

As an aside, do you think Beyonce’s howls of labour anguish were pitch perfect?

Anyway, B&J also had the hospital cover its security cameras with tape, which could’ve resulted in nutters like you running around stabbing everyone in sight without fear of getting caught. Good thing this news only came out AFTER the event, eh?

A spokesman for the Health Department, Peter Constantakes, says:

“We have received complaints. Whenever we receive a complaint, we look into it. It’s not necessarily an investigation. It could be a review. Most likely in this case, it would be an investigation”.

Or: We really, really want to meet Jay Z and Beyonce, please.

Trying to land the coveted first snaps of a celebrity baby is something all rags and publications fight tooth and nail for and, boy howdy! We’ve only gone and landed the first shots of Beyonce and Jay Z’s new child, Blue Ivy!

We’re as shocked as you are!

And weirdly, we’ve got 50 Cent to thank for such an honour because he leaked them to us, allowing us to share them with you. Very good of Fiddy to give us such an exclusive isn’t it? Yes it is. Wanna see?

50 Cent shared these 100% genuine images (like it or not, they are images – 100% so) with Team Spreezy and we now get to show them to you!

And as you can see (backed up by Fiddy too), Blue Ivy looks just like her dad! It’s amazing really. We can’t quite believe how much she looks like Mr Jigga.

Fiddy tweeted:

“Yal play to much congratulations to JAYZ and Beyonce BABY #BlueIvyCarter IS GEORGOUS”

“You bull sh*ting they will pay a million dollars for a picture of that baby lol trust me.”

And so, without further ado, here are the first shots of Blue Ivy Carter, as shared to us in good faith by 50 Cent who definitely wouldn’t lie to us about such a thing!

Congrats to everyone, including us.

A father of premature-twins has complained that Beyonce and Jay-Z’s ‘people’ stopped him from visiting his newborns in hospital.

Despite doing nothing more remarkable than what women have been doing for thousands of years and without the help of a placenta-grooming team, Beyonce’s medical needs were deemed so important by her minders that they barred other patients from entering the 6th floor neonatal intensive care unit where Queen B was resting up after giving birth to a child presumably named after a toilet-cleaner.

Neil Coulon accused Beyonce’s hired goons of treating the hospital corridor like ‘an exclusive nightclub’. By which we mean, enforced a strict entrance policy, rather than charging other patients £30, flicking the light switches on and off, pissing on the floor then dousing them in Joop! and pheromones.

Coulon told the New York Daily News:

“Three times they stopped me from entering or exiting the NICU and it happened once on Friday – just because they wanted to use the hallway”

“They should have been more strategic about it. These are children with problems in intensive care and you’re just going to take over the hospital like you own it? All I want is an apology.”

To be honest, it is incredibly hard not to side with B&J on this one; the $750million powercouple are alleged to have blown $1.3million bullet-proofing the maternity wing, Money well spent, as everyone knows that bullet wounds are sooooo 2004.

Think about it.

If you spent £30 on a new rug, you wouldn’t even let people walk on it with their SHOES on, let alone allowing sick people dripping umbilical blood, guts, vernix and stuff all over it.

In fact, for $1.3million we would have expected all NHS’ers shot on sight. So yeah. You go B! Besides, did the plebs make a piece of music about the whole thing that sounded like this?

No. No they didn’t. Yes, we know it’s not very good.

UPDATE – The hospital have denied these claims, but that’s not very funny. Either way, we’re adding this so lawyers don’t give us hassle.

This was a guest post by Lady Robotnik who, frankly, has great legs and fists that won’t quit. It is advised you don’t mess

The world’s most talented baby was born at the weekend – Blue Ivy Curtis – who will change everything, and will definitely not look like Nas, came out of the world’s greatest vagina to rapturous trumpet fanfare, while Jay-Z reconsidered his verses in early hit “Big Pimpin’”.

Blue Ivy, who has more money and talent than anyone we could ever think of despite being less than a week old, hasn’t been officially announced by Jay-Z and Beyonce, because they’re closed-off about their relationship to frankly KGB levels.

However, a bunch of other folks announced the outbreak of Blue Ivy after various media sources calculated that something had to happen surely, because that’s been 9 months and that’s how it works after having read a book at school AND EVERYTHING.

Rihanna, a woman who is familiar with reproduction, took to Twitter, writing:

“Welcome to the world princess Carter! Love Aunty Rih.”

Of course, Blue Ivy isn’t actually the niece of Rihanna by blood, and as such, will find her sexually attractive in years to come. Still, nothing beats X Factor winner Leon Jackson, who tweeted this gruesome missive:

“That lucky baby that gets to suck on Beyonce’s boobs”

Naturally, hecklerspray would like to wish all the best to Blue Ivy Carter who is going to make everything different, and no-one else’s child is ever going to be as good. In school, Blue will have a desk made of gold, but the other kids will still love her because she’s brilliant and she’s made out of amazing people.

Obviously we can’t guarantee that Blue Ivy will go into music like Mum and Dad, but here’s some advice for the immaculate sprog:

• Your parents can afford better than Ark Music. Don’t do a Rebecca Black.
• If you’re going to attempt a modern narrative on feminism, go to Mum. Although… yeah, going to Mum’s better.
• Ladies if you love ya man show him you the finest, grind up on him girl show him how you ride it.
• Don’t ask Dad “What’s the problem? ” because he’s got 99 of them, making you…
• Don’t use the later Destinys Child stuff as a focus. They were way, way better around the “Bills, Bills, Bills” era.

We can all get on with hating our worthless lives now.

This was a guest post by Euan L Davidson who is currently shopping for Roc-A-Wear bibs and nappies.

Aren’t we all lucky people right now? Frankie Cocozza is off the streets for the next few weeks so we can all get over that bad bout of crabs that we can’t seem to shift, Adele has a new boyfriend so we might not have a song that isn’t the worst sort of melancholic bollocks available and Lady Gaga has promised us a new album appearing sometime this year.

She doesn’t have name for it yet, and even if she did, we wouldn’t find out about it until she cryptically posted a video entitled ‘le title prologue’ or whatever bollocks language she thinks is so vogue right now, or has all the World’s press stepping on her toes, dying to get the slightest piece of information out of her tightly wound lips.

And we don’t mean the ones that’s-a on her face.

The subject theme of the album is heavily under wraps, but she’s united the hipster cocks of Downtown New York and all affected gay teens that want everyone to know they’re gay under one merry banner, so who’ll be added to Gaga’s army of Little Monsters? Transsexuals? Unpleasant shop workers? Koalas? Who knows? Well Gaga knows (we hope).

We don’t even have any information about what sort of things she will be including on her album, but a country threeway with William Shatner and Barbra Streisand probably isn’t going to be in there. Unless Gaga the Benevolent wants to throw the only man brave enough to captain the Enterprise against Khan Noonien Singh a bone.

She’s done it before, but do we honestly think that all the pop-slags drinking WKD purple and other such things would have been wearing bows made out of hair if she didn’t do it? Or things with shoulder pads?

Lady Gaga has a lot to answer for, but until extra clauses are put into the Geneva Protocol prohibiting the use of awful synths as methods of Warfare we might never get the answer to those questions. That’d be a great afternoon at The Hague wouldn’t it?

So a new Gaga album is almost imminent. Listening to it won’t be consensual, you’ll feel grubby and dirty afterwards, but the sooner it’s finished the better. Much like sex with Frankie Cocozza. The dirty hair rapist.

Beyonce Knowles has been incredibly inconsiderate with all his pregnancy lark. Not only has she had the temerity to appear to have a collapsing, inflatable stomach, she’s also left us prying dimwits completely out of the loop.

WE NEED ANSWERS!

But until then, we’ll just have to speculate. And today, we’re assuming that she’ll be having her baby at 4pm, because she really likes the number four. It’s the 4th  January too. Do keep up. Jesus.

See, Beyonce has an obsession with the number 4 doesn’t she? It’s her lucky number and everything!

She was born on 4th September. Her husband, Jay-Z, he was born on the 4th December. Because of this, they chose to marry on the 4th April.

She also named her latest album ’4′, which is pretty conclusive that this child will be forced out today, at 4pm on the 4th January.

Right?

Want more proof? Beyonce also has ‘up to four pairs of shoes’ according to sources and apparently once ate ‘four breakfasts’ at once. Destiny’s Child also had four members at once and Beyonce is understood to have seen Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol “at least 4 times” with “at least four different people”, which leaves us in no doubt that this baby will be out in the world today.

WHAT MORE PROOF DO YOU NEED?

Oooh, that Lady GaGa is weird isn’t she? She loves letting us all know how weird she is. Or is it needy? We can’t tell the difference anymore. It’s the fault of emo kids. They turned being odd into a lifestyle choice and now we’re all confused. No. Not that kind of confused.

Not that you care. This is not about us. You want to know about Lady GaGa.

See, G’gaa left, reportedly, “large amounts of blood” in a hotel bath. Is it some Satanic ritual? Did she have a particularly nasty period? Is she really terrible at shaving her legs and back? Let us investigate!

So, Our Lady Of The Gaga shocked a bunch of criminally underpaid staff when she checked out a swank London hotel. They discovered a pool of red liquid in the bath-tub of her suite.

One housekeeper claimed the pop superstar was…

“bathing in blood as part of a Satanic ritual”.

The chances of the truth being as interesting as that are regrettably slim. Either way, the staff member told website Truthquake:

“Lady Gaga left large amounts of blood in the suite during a stay this summer. The incident was reported to the concierge, who was told to put it out of her mind.”

Someone else said:

“All of the hotel’s staff are convinced she was bathing in it or, at the very least, using it as part of one of her new costumes or weird stage routines.”

Yep. She was probably washing her meat-dress in the bath because no-one would dry-clean it for her, for fear of bringing it back medium-rare.

Naturally, this isn’t the first time GaGa has hammed it up with the kooky business. She’s previously spent £30,000 on Electro Magnetic Field detectors to see if she’s being haunted by a dead aunt. She’s apparently had a team of paranormal investigators do hourly sweeps of hotels she’s been at as she’s terrified of evil spirits.

It’s getting wearisome now isn’t it? Hurry up and release a half decent record already!

To those of you who have been tweeting the ether, congratulating Beyonce and Jay Z on their new baby, you look incredibly stupid right now. That’s because Queen B hasn’t had a baby at all. Right? RIGHT?

Obviously, she might not be pregnant at all and is merely waiting for the surrogate to fly from South America next month when the flights are a bit cheaper. She’s got to ditch that inflatable Preg-O-Tum at some point hasn’t she?

That’s if you believe those rumours, which we absolutely do. We won’t believe Beyonce carried the child until we’ve seen her naked, sweating on a hospital bed, with a small human head poking out of her guts. All this doesn’t matter of course because Solange Knowles (Bea’s less successful singing sister) has been shooting down rumours.

Last week, idiots of twitter were cooing all about this baby girl, who Beyonce had named Tiana May Carter. Sadly, it was a work of fiction, leaving fans praising thin-air.

And now, Solange has tweeted:

Shout out to my sister for being THE cutest pregnant woman ever!

Not only that, Billboard reported that they saw Beyonce and Jay Z having dinner on New Year’s Eve in Brooklyn, totally still large of stomach.

So there you have it. Stop praising a baby that doesn’t exist. That’s a stupid thing to do.

What are you? Christians?

Lady Gaga is the ideal woman for… well… most gay men in the world. Apart from those who think she’s cynically milking the gay purse for all it’s worth. Of course, there are straight people and lesbians who fancy her as well, but all that doesn’t matter.

Bad news for you guys.

See, it appears that GaGa has sidestepped the whole, tired ‘Hur hur, she’s got a penis’ rumours to ‘Hur hur, she’s riding someone else’s penis’ now as she was spotted on a romantic stroll with a Vampire Diaries star. Presumably, they were both wearing crab-claw shoes and sporting hats made from tumble-dryer drums. Just to avoid being conspicuous you understand.

So who is this fanged hunk? Well, it’s the one and only (no, not Chesney Hawkes) Taylor Kinney. Wait. Weren’t they a punky girlband who were really great in the late 90s?

Probably not.

Either way, GaGa, with her underpants made from cobwebs and a bra made out of wistful memories, was spotted tottering around like a parrot on a perch with Kinney in California at Christmas. Christmas in Cali must be rubbish. All that frost and snow killing the man-planted palm trees. Awful.

Naturally, Queen Ga’ has been linked to The Vampire Diaries star before (some unimportant time in summer) after he played her love interest in the music video for her single You And I. Remember? Us neither.

AND NOW! Whoa. Wait ’til you hear this… they were spotted walking with their arms wrapped affectionately around each other. Entwined. AND walking. At. The. Same. Time. Amazing. Those crab shoes will have certainly helped them to walk sideways as they refused to rip their glare from each other’s crying-with-emotion eyeballs.

This is surely the greatest love-story ever told.

Uh-oh! There’s a baby due in New York City! That can only mean one thing! Beyonce is going to have her fake baby bump removed after what seems like only a month of wearing it and some surrogate is going to hand over a beautiful child!

Or, indeed, she’s actually going to force one out of her toot. Unlikely though, right?

Obviously, the story has been that she cleverly concealed her pregnancy before revealing it at the MTV Music Awards… but that can’t possibly be right can it? Effectively, while we like Beyonce’s music, we thoroughly don’t trust her. You’ve heard 1+1, If I Were A Boy and Ego right?

Anyway, B is apparently moments away from giving birth to her first child and nurses at New York’s St Luke’s Roosevelt hospital are said to have been told to prepare for a celebrity VIP. Just like the speedy pregnancy, she could be popping one out as early as TODAY.

We can also assume that the saccharine tribute to her bundle of joy has already been written, complete with lines like “you complete me” and something to do with miracles.

Of course, what with Beyonce and Jay Z being ostentatious, they’ve booked half the floor of the hospital’s Labor and Delivery Suite, which invariably means that loads of other New Yoikers will be giving birth in the street on wallpapering tables, delivered by Doctor Nick (Hi everybody!).

A spokesperson for the singer was unavailable for comment earlier today.

Mercifully, we never ever need an official line from celebrities we’re talking about because, ostensibly, everyone is making this shit up anyway.

Great!

We should all totally start speculating about what she’s gonna call the baby. We’re putting our money on Jermajesty or Sandra.

Alongside all the presents and sherry we receive at this time of year, it’s also a time of year where we have to put up with a variety of seasonal music. Why we only get terrible holiday songs at Christmas is a mystery to us. Surely someone would have exploited the magic of Jesus rising from the dead at Easter.

There isn’t a happy medium with Christmas music. Traditional carols are essentially reserved for Church goers, or children who knock on your door and expect some sort of payment as their angelic attempts at singing fail miserably. As for people like Slade and The Pogues? They’re laughing all the way to the bank.

Younger children now associate X Factor with Christmas and for those left in limbo, there’s really nothing there to inspire. Because all Christmas songs are essentially nothing but novelty records, someone has decided to at least merge the current popular sound of dubstep with a traditional seasonal image.

Visit a club that’s blasting out dubstep and you’ll be met with a strange sight. You’ll see hoards of people who’ll think they know everything about any topic. Grouping together in various corners of a room, these folk will send visual daggers flying across to those who don’t know the latest trend of wearing braces as a belt or drinking lighter fuel mixed with pineapple juice [don't knock it 'til you've tried it, Ed].

If Benny Hill was alive, he’d have loved dubstep. Because he liked to run aimlessly and used slow motion techniques, he was essentially a pioneer of the genres unique dancing style. Watch anyone attempt to move around to a wobbly synth, you’ll be confused as to whether they’re suffering from sort of disease where all of their actions are thirty seconds behind the rest of us, or if a stroke is kicking in

An image of Christmas always whips up the same boring picture, such as Santa, snow covered fields and a tree that is decorated much better than yours. Once a tree is up and the pine needles haven’t cut you open, attaching a set of twinkling lights can look a bit tedious and the best you can literally do to spruce your Christmas centre piece.

Realising this, the Cadger family have decided to spruce up their neighbourhood with a musical lightshow that reflects the various elements in a song. Using Skrillex – the dubstep equivalent of Nickleback -  here are the lights in full action. For those familiar with The Chemical Brothers video for Star Guitar, it’s the same sort of idea, but on a amateur level:

Epileptic people attempting to get home on a night must hate running that gauntlet of seizure inducing traumas.

Just want Santa would have wanted.

This Christmas, you may be pushing the boat out and spoiling yourself something rotten. You may have bought a load of cheeses that you wouldn’t normally buy. You may have got three bottles of drink in an attempt to make cocktails. It is the only time of year you ever buy pâté.

Feels good doesn’t it?

Well, Sean Diddy Combes lives like that all the time. He can have pâté whenever he wants. He’s so wealthy that he could mash-up Frosties in pâté just to see what it’s like. And, because he can, he’s decided to start a new Rat Pack and takeover of Vegas. And there’s a film to accompany it.

With the help of Cîroc Ultra Premium Vodka, P. Diddy takes us plebs on a journey to Vegas with him as he rolls big, round Sin City, soundtracked by Sinatra’s ‘Luck Be A Lady’.

Combs said, eyeing his bank statement:

“Frank Sinatra made some of the most iconic records of our time; it is truly an honor to use his music again for this campaign. The Rat Pack defined the art of celebrating in style. I cannot imagine a Spirit more suitable for commemorating life with family and friends than Cîroc; a brand that has become synonymous with celebratory occasions.”

Diddy is joined by some of Hollywood’s brightest upstarts. Like who? There’s Chad Michael Murray of One Tree Hill, Michael K. Williams of Boardwalk Empire, Jesse Williams of Grey’s Anatomy, Breaking Bad’s Aaron Paul, Vegas headliner Matt Goss super model Lisa Seiffert and others.

So while you’re sat in your underpants watching Christmas television and eating a ring of frozen prawns, remember this: P Diddy and his pals are having a much better time than you.

Furthermore, they look much cooler while they’re doing it. Merry Christmas!

This post was sponsored by Cîroc