Ever since gorgeous Marilyn Monroe stepped out with George-Formby lookalike Joe DiMaggio, a handful of famous stunners have continued the trend of unveiling their new boyfriends to the sound of a thousand showbusiness journalists dry puking whilst attempting to write short hand.

Surely the rules dictate that great looking people should stick to their own kind, not dabble in the swamp waters of the ugly pool? Not so, say these five beautiful rebels…

Jennifer Lopez

Recently back on the acting circuit having forced some babies out, Lopez has dazzled with her looks for years. Her face is nice, she’s got hair even silkier than a silk worm’s pocket, and she started the taut-stomach-gargantuan-arse trend that has swept the planet. Good for her. She must be married to a male model or George Clooney or something, right? Actually no, you’re way off. Totally ignoring convention, Jennifer Lopez chose to avoid humans altogether, and instead married a talented singing rat, sweetly known as Marc Anthony – not to be confused with the Ancient Roman statesman, who, by the way, was probably quite hot.

Julia Roberts

Hey, that Julia Roberts is one heck of a gal. Anyone who saw her playing the slutty young prostitute who’d do absolutely anything but kiss on the lips probably found out to their detriment that prostitutes do not look like Julia Roberts. And plenty of them do actually kiss on the mouth. Serious Pretty Woman plot-holes aside, in real life, Roberts spent the mid-90s married to a crack-whore-alike called Lyle Lovett. One of the few living humans who would actually come out better in a cartoon caricature, Lovett only managed two years with the actress, before she cited “career demands” as her made-up reason for wanting a divorce.

Christina Aguilera

Some of the notes that Christina Aguilera can hit are fantastic, we especially like it when she’s really working an E sharp, and her lips start quivering while she sings. It was a technique first introduced by Whitney Houston in the 1980s. Unfortunately, the Whitney comparisons end right there, because while Houston snared a hottie like Bobby Brown, Aguilera has veered disturbingly off piste, and is now married to  a mole-faced teenager called Jordan Bratman. At first sight, the celebrity world bit their collective lips, nodded politely and attempted to smile, but when Christina mentioned that the pair like to spend their Sundays naked, small chunks of sick were universally coughed out.

Natalie Portman

Natalie Portman is a wonderful looking girl, and aspirational – after all, girls, she’s both beautiful, business savvy, and she went to a polytechnic. That’s one hell of a chick. Plus in Closer, which was an appalling film, she buoyed everyone’s spirits by slipping on a pink hair piece and wiggling her bottom. Like these other girls, she should obviously be going out with a real hunk. And yet, she once enjoyed many sweaty evening dripping hot candle wax onto Devendra Banhart’s hungry wolf-like thighs. For those who haven’t a clue who Devendra is, he’s Siavash’s hairier counterpart.

Lily Allen

If it’s true that it’s who you are on the inside that counts, Lily Allen might actually be slightly punching above her weight with her doughy faced boyfriends. But, as it, is, this list is judged on outward beauty alone, which, in this case, makes Lily Allen really quite good looking. Hence, you’d expect her to be dating an equally good looking pillock, like that Kris guy who was on Big Brother, or someone wearing tight jeans pretending to be on heroin. But no, her type appears to be middle-aged chubsters who could probably do a decent impersonation of the fat man taking a cannon ball in the belly. Like the one from the Chemical Brothers, for example.

For more of this gold, visit Josh’s sterling website Interestment.

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And, as we speak, that gormless-looking, vaguely past-it American blonde dimwit happens to be Britney Spears, with her shiny hair and lovely big desperate-looking eyes. That’s not great news for Christina Aguilera, who also happens to be a gormless-looking, vaguely past-it American blonde dimwit. She’s got a new album coming out soon! Grr!

But Christina Aguilera is nothing if not resourceful, and so to promote her new video Keeps Gettin’ Better she’s decided to become a gormless-looking, vaguely past-it American purple-haired dimwit instead. That’s fiendishly clever of Christina Aguilera – so fiendishly clever that it almost made us forget that the song is dreadful. Almost. Video after the jump.

Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera both started off in the same place career-wise – as Mickey Mouse’s fluffer on some kid’s TV show we never watched – but following that, they both shot off in different directions. Christina Aguilera rebelled against society by getting her bum and and dreadlocking her hair, and then she had a baby with her successful record executive husband. Meanwhile Britney Spears had a baby with a dancer who looks like he smells and then rebelled against society by getting her minge out and shaving all her hair off.

Our point is that, despite the twists and turns of their careers, Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears have ended up back in the same place. No, exactly the same place. Really. They’ve more or less released the exact same song within weeks of each other.

Britney Spears, of course, released her number one smash hit Womanizer, notable for its unusual resemblance to I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry. And now Christina Aguilera is preparing to release Keeps Gettin’ Better, a single notable for its unusual resemblance to I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry.

But they’re different, honestly, because in the video to Womanizer Britney Spears went from blonde to brunette, whereas in the video to Keeps Gettin’ Better Christina Aguilera goes from blonde to even more blonde to purple to a sort of gimpy Catwoman thing that seems precision engineered to make people stop finding Christina Aguilera attractive. Look…

Convinced? Us neither, really. Perhaps if Christina Aguilera had a full-scale meltdown that was harrowingly carried out in public, everyone would lower their expectations enough to like it. Maybe you should think about that before you bring out your next CD, Christina.

And also, while we appreciate that Keeps Gettin’ Better is a nod towards the state of your career, it’s not exactly accurate as it stands. That’s why we want you to change the title of the single to Got Better, Then Got Worse, Then Dressed As A Woman Out Of The War, Now Nobody Cares. History will thank you for it.

But Christina Aguilera is all about shattering taboos – she shattered the one about not honking like a wounded moose in songs for starters – and that’s why Christina Aguilera has just made history as the first woman ever to publicly say that she actually enjoys spending time with her baby. Of course, Christina Aguilera’s comments happen to neatly tie in with the launch of her new fragrance, so there’s every chance she was just being deliberately controversial to stoke up sales.

Incidentally, we heard that the new Christina Aguilera perfume is inspired by her first few months of motherhood, which is why it smells like a mixture of yellow poo and her own tears.

Being a new mother is supremely hard work. You’ve got to hire staff to look after the baby, tell the staff to be quiet because you’ve got a hangover, keep updating the staff’s photo of yourself so the baby doesn’t forget what you look like… it’s one long nightmare, and sometimes the only thing that’ll keep you going is the thought that one day you can pack the baby off to boarding school and pretend it was never even born.

Unless you’re Christina Aguilera, of course, in which case you inexplicably turn into the baby’s biggest cheerleader the instant it shoots out of your vajuju.

The rest of the world may have a profound indifference to Christina Aguilera’s baby Max Liron – it rolled its eyes when she announced the pregnancy, shrugged when she gave the baby a stupid name and it recoiled when she put it on the cover of a magazine – but that hasn’t stopped Christina Aguilera from banging on and on about the sodding thing to every single person she meets. It’s almost as if she’s proud of it. Urgh. People reports:

“[He is] amazing, incredible,” the singer, 27, tells Entertainment Tonight. “He just lights up my whole world every day with his laughs and his smiles.” She reveals that Max has started crawling and is cutting his first teeth. “He’s a mover and shaker. He’s just a smiley, happy guy. I really lucked out,” Aguilera tells USA Today.

Lucked out? Hardly, Christina – everyone knows that the most lucrative aspect of being a celebrity mother is the post-partum depression. Do you know how much money people get for writing books where they say they wanted to throw their babies against a brick wall? Shitloads of money, that’s how much. And you’re not going to see a penny of it now, all because you actually happen to like your own son.

And it’s not like you went and adopted the baby from a developing country, either, so you can’t even go and make a heartfelt documentary about what a good person you are, either. And you say you’re happy, Christina? Really? A likely story. Excuse us for not believing you.

That can be said for the first 15 episodes of X-Factor as we all wonder why a fat lass from Wigan who sounds like she’s singing through her nostril thinks she can win.

Some people, however, get past cocky comments from judges like Simon Cowell and go on to make a decent living, before descending in to the world of Big Issue selling – just give Leona Lewis another 18 months.

It was the great old days though, when manufactured singers were poached from the Mickey Mouse Club. Justin Timberlake and Christina Aguilera have both left the iron fist of Disney to lighten up our lives.

But no-one has done this more so than Britney Spears, whose early glittering career really has gone up shit creek without a paddle. Now, leaked video footage from a Las Vegas gig captures Britney’s “live vocal” not sounding too peachy.

Shock! Horror! Gasp! Panic! Noooooooooooo! Sometimes pop pickers, the people on stage don’t actually sing live. We know that may be a bitter pill to swallow, but we haven’t needed rehab treatment to console ourselves.

The usual excuse is that they have to mime due to performers not being able to dance and sing at the same time. We can usually cope fine with doing both – if dancing is classed as rolling around on the floor, that is. That would mean we were incredible – just check us out after a trip to the boozer.

Ebaumsworld.com claim to have the footage of Britney Spears performing in the days before she got all icky and pregnant, shaved off her hair, battered people with umbrellas and did the lesbian thing with Madonna.

Before the time that she turned out to be such a good influence on her sister Jamie-Lynn, who then decided to open up her legs and let underage loving commence. Aww, the beauty of child birth and magazine deals.

Recorded by a more than likely disgruntled soundman, this clip shows a shocking recording of Britney miming along to her songs. Because it was done in America, we assume that some moron will sue her now due to it not being live.

Listen/watch it here.

Because that's what she does you know. Christina Aguilera's neighbour said so.

Apparently Christina Aguilera and her husband enjoy nothing more than frolicking around naked in their pool, screaming and swearing and 'making sexy noises' much to the annoyance of the elderly people they live near. Nobody seems sure exactly what these sexy noises of Christina Aguilera's are, but we're willing to bet they don't involve her singing anything because, face it, that's about as sexy as listening to a walrus being kicked to death by an alcoholic.

We're no experts, but we always assumed that the life of a new mother involved zero sleep, less than zero libido, a simmering resentment for the child and father who've helped to ruin your life forever, outright jealousy at childless couples because they can go out and look nice and not have to deal with a screaming little fleshbag that does nothing but cry, put its weird little mouth all over your nipples and splutter oddly-coloured shit all over your favourite blouses the second you take their nappy off.

Turns out we were wrong, though – judging by Christina Aguilera, having a baby sounds like a blast.

Christina Aguilera's son Max The Lion was only born in January, but that apparently hasn't stopped Christina and her husband Bratman from twatting around in the garden of their mansion naked making a range of noises that all sound like Maria Sharapova putting her hand in an industrial mincer. According to Star:

The new parents are so determined to keep their two-year marriage red-hot that they've taken to skinny-dipping by moonlight. The couple, who welcomed son Max into the family on Jan. 12, can be heard loudly frolicking in the pool of their $11.5 million Beverly Hills mansion around midnight. "They don't just splash around — they laugh, scream, swear and make sexy noises," says a source. "We're happy that they're happy, but we wish they'd keep it down a bit. There are a lot of old people who live around here, and they don't like noise after the dinner hour."

We have to agree here, Christina Aguilera tearing around naked making deafening sex noises is fine, but after the dinner hour? That's just beyond the pale, it really is.

Of course, you could argue that Christina Aguilera is just doing her best to keep her marriage alive during a time when the physical side of relationship traditionally sags a little, but won't someone please think of the baby here?

Everyone already thinks that Christina Aguilera's baby is a pointless little wanker – your words, not ours – as it is. Fast forward a couple of years to when baby Max starts school and he's going to be known as the kid with the naked mother who bellows sex noises at midnight as well. And that's a horrific burden for a kid to carry at school. But you probably knew that from experience already.

Yes, you.

Read more: 

Christina Aguilera's Sexy Skinny-Dipping Sessions - Star 

And that's true whether you have an adorable baby or an angry pink monster with freakish little grasping fingers that creep you out every time you look at them. Like Christina Aguilera's baby.

Now before you get upset, remember that we're not the ones saying that. People magazine paid $1.5 million for exclusive photos of Christina Aguilera and her new baby Max, but since hardly anyone bought the issue, it's basically you who are saying that Christina Aguilera's baby is a ridiculous, funny-to-look-at waste of everyone's time. And you should be ashamed, damn you.

Who doesn't love Christina Aguilera? We know we do – whether she's dressing like a bit of a slut in her music videos or singing so loudly about being beautiful that we honestly worry she'll one day dislodge the moon, Christina Aguilera can basically do no wrong in our books. Apart from having children, of course, because that's rubbish.

Again, that's not our viewpoint but yours. You hate that Christina Aguilera had a baby boy, and you hate the baby boy itself. Even though it's just a poor defenceless baby that's never done anything wrong in any of its short life, you hate it. You hate its stupid ears and the crap middle-aged accountant haircut it was born with.

We know this because People magazine's circulation figures are 100,000 lower than usual, just because Christina Aguilera and her baby are on the front cover. Monsters And Critics reports:

The magazine reportedly paid $1.5 million for exclusive photos of Christina Aguilera and her new baby Max, but early estimates from the President's Day weekend sales show consumers weren't inspired to pick the issue up. The New York Post is reporting that the issue, which hit late last week, is on target to sell only around 1.3 million copies this week, according to some industry sources. Time Inc.'s biggest cash cow rag ordinarily sells and average 1.4 million copies a week on newsstands.

But why? Why do you – personally you – hate Christina Aguilera's baby so much? Is it because all the recent celebrity births and pregnancies have left you with a low-level baby apathy? Is it because you've finally worked out that all babies look completely bloody identical and Christina Aguilera may as well be holding a dentist's baby or even a slightly baby-shaped clump of Play-Doh and you wouldn't know any different?

Or is it because you're just plain pig sick of Christina Aguilera? We can't possibly see how it could be that, though, because during her pregnancy Christina Aguilera only referred to her baby once in public. Apart from that time she painted herself bright orange, got naked and obnoxiously screamed "Woo-Hoo! Look at me! I'm Christina Aguilera and I'm pregnant! Pregnant pregnant pregnant pregnant pregnant PREGNANT!" from the cover of a magazine for cash, of course. But, come on, what expectant mother doesn't do that?

Anyway, we hope you're happy. You've wrecked Christina Aguilera's baby's life, you unthinking swines.

And if People's sales are down because nobody cares that Christina Aguilera's baby is on the cover, just imagine what'll happen when it puts Jennifer Lopez on the cover with her twins. We'll just be lucky if nobody firebombs the newsstands.

Read more:

Christina Aguilera's baby pictures fall flat – Monsters And Critics 

According to a post on her official website, Christina Aguilera gave birth to Max Liron Bratman on Saturday evening. While congratulations should obviously be extended to Christina Aguilera and husband Jordan Bratman, we shouldn't forget that this will be a stressful time in the Aguilera household, filled with abnormally loud off-kilter shrieking and various nauseatingly unpleasant sights and smells.

But we're sure that Max Liron will get used to his new mother sooner or later.

This may come as a shock to some of you, so make sure you're sitting comfortably, but Christina Aguilera has been pregnant recently. We know, we know, it's hard to take in at once, but the hints were there if you paid enough attention. 

For instance, there was the way that Christina Aguilera spent months waddling in and out of baby shops. And the way that Christina Aguilera announced that she was pregnant. And the more eagle-eyed among you may have spotted the magazine spread featuring a billion photos of pregnant Christina Aguilera naked with her baby bump painted orange and sticking out like some sort of confusing radiation tumour.

However, if you've only just realised that Christina Aguilera is pregnant then it's already too late. Christina Aguilera isn't pregnant any more, because on Saturday night she gave birth to a bouncing baby boy. According to the Christina Aguilera website:

Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman are proud to announce the birth of their son Max Liron Bratman. He is a beautiful, healthy baby boy! 6 pounds 2 oz. 20.5 inches. Born January 12th, 2008 at 10:05PM! Mom is resting and doing well!!!!!!!

Seven exclamation marks? Crikey, that is doing well. We're not sure that even the moon landing was reported with seven exclamation marks.

Still, this will probably be the happiest time of Max Liron's life – smothered with love from his ecstatic parents and too young to realise that he's effectively been named after a mid-1990s brand of banana-flavoured kid's ice cream. But where does the birth of Max Liron Bratman leave Christina Aguilera?

While it's inevitable that, short-term at least, Christina Aguilera will dedicate herself fully to the part of motherhood that involves hiring a fleet of nannies to raise the baby themselves, what will happen to Christina Aguilera's career now that she'll be less keen on writhing about almost naked in her music videos?

Easy, chances are we'll be saying goodbye to Christina Aguilera the wartime slut and hello to Christina Aguilera the beaming mother. And that will either mean that all her future songs will be about how much she loves babies instead of penises, or that her new image will be of a red-eyed exhausted woman with hair that's been matted with baby vomit pushing a trolley round Asda constantly screaming at her crying baby to shut up.

Either one's dandy, to be honest.

Read more:

It's A Boy! – Christina Aguilera 

If, like us, you were surprised by Christina Aguilera's coy little pregnancy announcement earlier this month and thought "Restraint? Christina Aguilera? Surely not" then prepare to have your preconceptions validated – Christina Aguilera has decided to pose for the cover of Marie Claire magazine with her bare pregnant gut hanging out like some kind of massive fleshy baby-filled blister. And if the sight of Christina Aguilera's giant naked pregnant belly isn't enough for you, Marie Claire also features the top 57 sexy winter skin buys. Fun!

Christina Aguilera has made a highly successful career out of a) shouting like a dragon about how beautiful she is and b) getting her kit off at the drop of a hat. You might not think that Christina Aguilera sheds her clothes all that often at all any more, but she does – she just doesn't look like a dirt-cheap crackwhore when she does it, so nobody makes as much of a fuss.

And not even a little thing like being vastly, overwhelmingly pregnant can stop Christina Aguilera from tearing off most of her kit and whapping her mostly-naked norks in your face.

Coming just a couple of weeks after she confirmed the obvious and admitted that she was pregnant and not just retaining a small ocean's worth of water in her gut, Christina Aguilera has gone all out and given a tell-all pregnancy interview to Marie Claire complete with a big pregnant photo shoot with just a leather jacket and every last atom of planet Earth's bronzer supply to conceal her modesty.

In the Marie Claire interview itself, Christina Aguilera revealed some of the fears that go along with pregnancy, while admitting that – like all good girls – she got knocked up on tour:

“There are so many things that could go wrong – somebody could slip, somebody could fall, I could fall… We were planning on starting to try after the tour. And so, I had gone off the Pill to prepare my body, because I didn’t know how much time it would take. I’m like, ‘Oh my god, can you believe it just happened?”’

So, judging by the size of her on the front of Marie Claire it obviously won't be too long before Christina Aguilera's baby claws itself out and into the world, annoying the shit out of her neighbours when they discover that Aguilera Jr genetically shares its mother's air raid siren voice instead of its father's staggering anonymity.

We'll deal with that when we need to – but for now, let's just pray that Marie Claire won't get published in Tokyo. After all, if naked pregnant Britney Spears can blast the Japanese into a frenzy, just imagine the harrowing scenes that'll emerge once they clap eyes on naked pregnant Christina Aguilera.

Read more:

Pregnant Xtina Lets It All Hang Out in Mag - Boston Herald 

At least not until now. Christina Aguilera has decided to officially confirm her pregnancy to the world for the very first time, letting slip to Glamour magazine that her baby is due early on in the new year. It's good news all round, really – Christina Aguilera gets to congratulate herself for keeping the pregnancy a secret for so long, the public gets to breathe a sigh of relief because it knows Aguilera's bulging gut isn't a giant ovarian cyst and all local hospitals have a few months' notice to soundproof their maternity wards – after all, if that's how Christina Aguilera screams when she's singing a song about a man made of candy, imagine what she'll sound like when a giant-skulled baby crawls through her vagina.

As far as constant image-changes go, Christina Aguilera is up there with Madonna and Carlos The Jackal. So far in her comparatively brief career we've seen blond pop muppet Christina Aguilera, pierced dirt-cheap hooker Christina Aguilera and weird sort-of wartime floozy Christina Aguilera.

But now it's time for Christina Aguilera to unveil her latest image – it's Christina Aguilera the tender-breasted, swollen-ankled, constantly-nauseous expectant mother. Rumours of Christina Aguilera's pregnancy have been floating around for months, and they stopped being rumours as soon as Christina started swelling up like an infected jellyfish sting and took to shopping exclusively in baby stores.

However, since Christina Aguilera didn't seem to want to announce the pregnancy, we just assumed that she'd suddenly developed a fondness for bingeing on pastry and all the baby gear was for her chihuahua. Then Paris Hilton and Christina's own father told the world that Christina Aguilera was pregnant – but still nothing from the woman herself.

Now, finally, since the pregnancy is so far gone that her gut stretches like the TV in Videodrome every time her unborn baby farts, Christina Aguilera has finally decided to tell the world what it already knew, breaking the news to Glamour magazine when it asked her about new year's resolutions:

“That’ll be about the time I enter into mommyhood so I’m hoping to have started a beautiful family with my husband!… [The father is] thrilled! He’s just great. He’s so supportive and amazing through everything. He came with me on the last leg of the tour and he was my support system… I guess. I’m a lucky girl! I want to get it right, to balance that well with my career.”

Balancing motherhood with her career shouldn't prove to be too difficult for Christina Aguilera because, if watching young mothers take their children round the supermarket on a Saturday morning is anything to go by, she'll get to practise her vocal technique by screaming swearwords at her kid every time it asks her a question. And don't forget that Christina Aguilera isn't the first young pop star to have a baby – she'll always have Britney Spears for guidance. In fact, we're going to go as far as saying that all Christina needs to do is the exact opposite of what Britney Spears has ever done since she first gave birth to Sean Preston and she'll make a wonderful mother.