Ah, shot gun weddings. There is just something so romantic about feeling forced to marry someone because your condom failed, isn’t there? You know what I mean, don’t you, Christina Aguilera?
Just days after showing off a massive ring you just know Christina put on her own Black Card, she and new hubby to be Matt Rutler have announced that they are expecting a tiny MAC-covered tangerine babeh later in the year. And by later, let’s go at about 7-8 months from now.
A lot of people, including myself I won’t lie to you all, did a little eyebrow raise paired with a “Reallllly?” last weekend when Christina Aguilera posted a picture of her terribly blended spray tan hand sporting a big ol diamond and announced she was going to draw up pre-nup documents for Matt Rutler to sign. Mostly because if Christina was ever going to get married again, it seemed like Spanx or vodka were much more compatible mates for her to spend the rest of her life with. Instead, she chose this lowly production assistant she met during Burlesque, which means the rest of her life just shortened to 2-3 years from now. It was a little surprising, to say the least.
But now it is all starting to make sense. Aguilera lost a lot of weight over the last year
abusing Adderall eating healthy and working out, so now people are a little more observant when she puts on a booze induced pound or two. So, it wouldn’t take long for everyone to notice a little kangaroo pouch making itself prominent. In order for people to not start calling her fat again, she went and let the cat out of the bag that she was actually full of fetus and not Grey Goose and Chipotle.
A baby. Now that shit makes all of this make sense. Aguilera already has her ex husband and baby #1 taking care of her older son, Max, so that situation is good to go. For Christina to make sure her puppet man stays behind the scenes doing what she wants, she has to give a little to get a lot. So she’s giving him the honor of becoming the second Mr. Aguilera, and in turn he will continue to be her kept man. Christina may have made her money getting dirrrtyy and showing off her labia piercings, but having a baby out-of-wedlock is too beneath her. So one visit to Zales later, and all is settled.
Now it’s just a waiting game to see what kind of pregnant woman Aguilera will be this time, especially since she just lost so much weight. Will she be a J Simpson and eat butter topped PopTarts and gain a bajillion pounds because who gives a fuck, she’s eating for 5? Or will she be all annoying and crunchy, eating nothing but celery and fruit infused water, gain only 6 pounds, and brag about how she just “naturally” is a small preggo?
Just days after Christina Aguilera got engaged to her PA level boyfriend with a ring we all know she had to buy, they reveal they are pregnant. Everything makes perfect sense now.