Why? Because even though Peter Cook’s supermodel wife Christie Brinkley recently divorced him after he a) had it off with a teenager he met in a toystore and b) started spending $3,000 a month on internet pornography, Peter Cook says that the divorce was absolutely not his fault at all.

Better still, Peter Cook blames the divorce squarely on Christie Brinkley, because she didn’t thank him for being him as much as he wanted. Peter Cook said all this in an interview with Barbara Walters in an effort to stop him being branded as a “scumbag pervert.” And we’re pretty sure he’s got his wish – we believe the term is “egomaniac scumbag pervert dimwit” now.

Generally, divorce never makes anyone happy. It’s basically just a huge admission of failure and, while it can provoke feelings of anger or remorse or sadness, happiness never really factors into the equation.

The exception to this, of course, was the divorce between supermodel Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook, because that was hilarious. Actual roll on the floor, wet yourself hilarious. If you’re new to all this we should recap.

Peter Cook is an architect who, by some incredible fluke, managed to end up married to supermodel Christie Brinkley, of Uptown Girl and Chuck Norris sports equipment commercial fame. Everything was going swimmingly, until Peter Cook started having sex with Diana Bianchi, an 18-year-old girl he met at a toyshop, because after that Christie Brinkley left Peter Cook.

What followed, after Peter Cook swapped his testicles for a series of Please Forgive Me front page newspaper adverts, was one of the best divorces in history. Carried out in public at Christie Brinkley’s insistence, the divorce proceedings included tears, professional psychoanalysis on the brains of both Brinkley and Cook and – best of all – the news that Peter Cook spent $3,000 every month to grind his willy down to gristle on internet porn.

It was incredible. Unbeatable, we thought. But we were wrong. Although Peter Cook got the beating of his life in the divorce courts, he’s since dragged himself up, brushed himself down and appeared on television to, um, start punching himself in the face, basically.

For no logical reason at all, Peter Cook has decided to go on 20/20 with Barbara Walters and blame the entire dissolution of his marriage on Christie Brinkley alone. According to Fox, Cook said that the divorce was Christie Brinkley’s fault because:

“I wanted a little acknowledgement, a little attention, a little thank-you every now and then for my efforts, for the amount of time I took to care for her and my family, for the wealth I was building. Just the tremendous amount of work I was putting into my family… My hope is that the world will see that I’m not the scumbag pervert that I’ve been painted to be.”

In a way, we suppose Peter Cook has got a point – we’re certainly never going to think of him as a scumbag pervert after hearing his sad story. That’s because we’ll be too busy thinking of him as a permanently-masturbating attention-craving infant who wouldn’t know what self-awareness was if it came along and crapped in his mouth.

But that’s just us.

At least we presume it is. And David Blaine probably presumes the same thing, too, because it’s not like he’d know what being upside down for 60 hours is actually like or anything. You see, it’s emerged that David Blaine actually gives himself two 10-minute breaks every hour where he can drop to the ground and have a bit of a rest. Why? Because – and this is true – David Blaine finds weeing upside down slightly uncomfortable.

Still, never one to bow to his detractors, David Blaine will end his stunt tonight and immediately begin training for his next stunning feat of endurance. We hear it involves him spending 45 minutes in a luxury hotel suite being fed peeled grapes by a cluster of top supermodels while Angelina Jolie occasionally dabs single beads of sweat from his brow with a tuft of unicorn fur. Truly, that man is a machine.

David Blaine’s Dive Of Death stunt comes to an end in New York tonight, and it’s a stunt that he’s bound to look back on fondly. Because David Blaine put his body through torture for months on end ahead of that task. He risked blindness for his art. His head could have exploded at any point.

But most impressive of all, David Blaine only took 20 minutes off each hour. Just 20 minutes to drop to the floor, have a drink, go to the toilet, chat with fans, let a team of medical experts check him over. Why, over the course of his 60-hour stunt, that means that David Blaine was only not doing his advertised stunt for 20 hours. Just 20 hours!

That’s not even enough time to watch an entire season of 24. Well, unless you’re skipping the adverts, in which case you could easily watch an entire season of 24 and still have plenty of time left for half a round of golf. Honestly, someone should give David Blaine a medal for his incredible 66% productivity.

Despite this, some people have twigged that David Blaine’s upside down stunt is only two-thirds upside down, and they’ve started to get a bit narked off with him, calling him a cheater and generally belittling his accomplishments.

But David Blaine isn’t having any of it. He knows that urinating upside down into a catheter might make his kidneys a bit sore and, really, have you tried swallowing water upside down? It can be slightly difficult sometimes. That’s why David Blaine was forced to defend his part-time stunt to the New York Daily News:

“I’m not going to pee all over myself to satisfy those people,” he said as he dangled like a bat Tuesday night. “It’s pretty hard-core, worse than I thought.”

Quite right, David Blaine shouldn’t have pee over himself to satisfy his fans. Can’t a man just hang upside down by himself as part of a large internationally-hyped attention-seeking stunt any more? Who do they think they are, buying the products to fund the companies who pay for advertising on his TV specials? The gawking consumerist bastards.

In fact, we’re just slightly disappointed that David Blaine didn’t think of this ‘breaking the rules of his own stunts whenever he gets a bit uncomfortable’ scheme before. That way he could have hopped out of his giant water tank every time his fingers got a bit wrinkly, or lowered his box above London to the ground for a slap-up meal every time KFC had an offer on, or – rather than stand encased in ice for 63 hours – David Blaine could have just sat in a lovely big armchair next to an open fire drinking mulled wine indoors for 32 seconds.

Or something.

It’s not that we didn’t expect him to go down that route, but it does still irritate when it actually happens. After all, he is still a dull nobody that would have faded into obscurity had he kept his mouth shut about the relationship and consequent split.

So obviously he’s gone for the old ‘talk about her to the press in an annoying fashion, just so people don’t forget who I am for at least two extra weeks, and places like that amazing hecklerspray.com will write about me again’ route that so many ineffectual Z-listers opt for.

Well we won’t, John Mayer. We wo… oh. We have. Bugger.

See, after the breakup – no, not the movie with Jennifer and another of her exes Vince Vaughn – Mayer decided to talk to anyone who would listen, spunking his intimate knowledge around as many media outlets as he knew would report it. And some that wouldn’t.

Speaking to reporters in the street, apparently, Mayer said:

“There’s no lying, there’s no cheating, there’s no nothing. Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I have ever met. People are different, people have different chemistry. I ended a relationship to be alone, because I don’t want to waste somebody’s time if something’s not right.”

Well isn’t that just sweet, eh? It’s obviously as dull and middle of the road as we expected from the king of mediocrity, but at least there’s no real venom in it. We can sleep soundly at night. Though it is still the rampant fame-hungry behaviour of a man desperate to cling on to some of the limelight that fleetingly glanced across his brow for such a short amount of time.

And it did clearly irritate Jennifer Aniston, if those magical sources we love so much are to be believed. Speaking to the press, one ’source’ said these words, and by the looks of things they were frothing at the mouth when they did so:

“Jennifer will never kiss and tell, but it’s she who ended the relationship. John’s childish behaviour only confirms she was right to dump him. Now he’s acting like a spoiled child. Expect Jennifer to behave like a lady.”

The righteous fury didn’t end there though, and the source (of rage) went on:

“Jennifer was tired of paying for everything. Cobwebs come flying out of John’s wallet when he opens it. John liked living like a movie star when he was with her. Jennifer would never say anything, but you could tell it irritated her.”

Which probably means Jennifer had to pay for this meal that we reported on in such world-changing fashion oh so long ago. We do remember seeing Mayer pat his pockets and shrug his shoulders when the bill arrived, showing the international sign language for ‘whoopsie – me gone dun and forgot mah wallet!’.

Well John – you’re going to have to pay for your own meals now. Take that!

No? You’re not? Your interest in Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo’s relationship is completely casual and you can stop reading about them any time you want? Stop kidding yourself, you’ve got a problem. Listen, if you’re not addicted to Jessica Simpson news, then try not to read the next paragraph.

Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo were spotted out eating dinner last weekend, prompting speculation that their relationship is back on. Yeah, that’s right. We knew you’d read it. And we haven’t even got to the part about Jessica Simpson apparently cheating on Tony Romo with Jared Leto, either. Addict.

People always want what they can’t have, don’t they? Look at Jessica Simpson – she’s desperate for all the things she can’t have, like a regular-shaped jawbone and a voice that doesn’t make her cry with shame whenever she hears it.

She’s got plenty, like a Dad-pleasing rack and a lovely athletic boyfriend, but that means nothing. Especially when Ashlee Simpson keeps rubbing her dirty-looking emo husband from a rubbish band under Jessica’s nose. That’s why, if rumours in the National Enquirer are to be believed, Jessica Simpson went out and slept with the world’s dirtiest-looking emo from the world’s rubbishest band – Jared Leto from 30 Seconds To Mars – while she was still with Tony Romo.

If the rumours are true, then they seem to prove two key facts about Jessica Simpson – firstly that she just loves those boys with four-letter consonant vowel consonant vowel surnames, and secondly that she enjoys jeopardising relationships with nice young men by having quick bunk-ups with grubby blokes who look quite smelly, like the Jackass boys who Jessica allegedly slept with during her marriage to Nick Lachey.

But don’t get too excited about the imminent prospect of a mentally-scarring Simpson/Leto sex tape, because Jared Leto’s manager has denied that any of it happened. And, just to prove how strong they are, Jessica Simpson has been seen out eating giant hunks of meat with Tony Romo, as OK! reports:

The on-again-off-again twosome holed themselves up in a corner booth at N9NE Steakhouse in Dallas’ Victory Park on Saturday, the Dallas Morning News reports. Enjoying a hearty meal of steak (her) and burger (him), Tony and Jess kept to themselves, but did acknowledge Tony’s teammate, Isaiah Stanback, a receiver/kick returner, who was also at the establishment with his parents.

So, it looks like after splitting up with him and the possibly getting back together with him, Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are definitely back on.* Hooray!

And, better than that, Jessica Simpson didn’t have sex with Jared Leto! That’s good news for all kinds of reasons – mainly because the thought of Jared Leto’s naked pasty emo body makes us feel physically ill, but partly because if it was true, Ashlee Simpson would have to retaliate by sleeping with someone more rubbish and unconvincingly emo to reinforce her position as emo Simpson daughter number one. And the only person more rubbish and unconvincingly emo than Jared Leto is evil Peter Parker from Spider-Man 3. Ugh.

*hecklerspray reserves the right to change its mind about this and pretend that they were always doomed wherenever the next Jessica Simpson/ Tony Romo split rumour comes along. So by the end of the day, then.

After reports emerged that she’s been cheating on incarcerated husband Blake Fielder-Civil with a dull-looking boy and a lank-haired photographer, now it’s claimed that Amy Winehouse has also been secretly sleeping with one of Babyshambles as well.

Don’t worry, though – the good news is that Amy’s new lover isn’t Pete Doherty, sparing us all a mental image so profoundly upsetting that it’d put us off all human contact ever again. But the bad news is that it’s Mik Whitnall, the member of Babyshambles who most closely resembles Bez’s grandfather after three straight months of 24-style interro-torture.

It’s bad enough being a prisoner and that learning your wife has been cheating on you on the outside at the best of times. But it must be even worse for Blake Fielder-Civil, because not only is his wife cheating on him on the outside but also everyone thinks he’s a dick. Seriously, everyone.

Although Amy Winehouse has been doing her best to be a model prisoner’s wife during Blake’s time in jail – by threatening to sic him on an entire crowd of paying fans and by yelling incoherently at him after a night on the crack – you have to remember that she is a woman foremost, and even drug-destroyed self-harming wastrels have needs.

So far, two of Amy Winehouse’s new lovers have been named – there’s Little Ben Mitchell from EastEnders and My First Emo Pony – but now, with impeccable timing, comes a third. This time it’s one of Babyshambles. And not even the important one.

Apparently Babyshambles guitarist Mik Whitnall, 76, has told friends of his that he also slept with Amy Winehouse, much to the consternation of his partner who – we think it’s fair to say – is probably going at her groin with a clump of bleach-soaked wire wool in case she’s caught anything as we speak. The Sun reports:

He is 15 years Amy’s senior, has a long-term girlfriend and has been bragging about his conquest and discussing a birthmark he reckons Amy has in an intimate place. A pal revealed: “He says they’ve slept together a couple of times. He told a few people after that stuff about her and Alex Haines came out. It’s always supposed to have happened when they’ve been on a bender. Telling people about her birthmark is his way of proving it happened. It’s male bravado.”

Yes, you see, Amy Winehouse has a birthmark that only people who sleep with her can see. It’s an unusual birthmark – it resembles several red needlemarks all over where her veins are – and it’s difficult to see under the inch-thick layer of scar-tissue, self-inflicted burn marks, crusted-up vomit, scabs, weeping open sores and chronic impetigo that covers Amy’s body like a manky exoskeleton, but it’s there and it’s incriminating.

However, despite this apparent constant cheating, it’s also been reported that Amy Winehouse has been visiting Blake Fielder-Civil in prison again. Maybe she’s decided that she wants him back. It’d certainly make sense – those three men she’s slept with might have provided her with some momentary pleasure, but would they ever beat a pub landlord’s face so heavily that he needs a metal plate surgically implanted into his head to hold it all together? No, and that is the real sign of being a man after all.

Read more:

Winehouse’s Lover Number 3 – The Sun

But come on. Take a deep breath, hunker down for the next couple of minutes and we’ll all get through this together. It might take some strength of mind and a couple of months of group counselling afterwards, but we’ll be OK. Ready?

Good. Amy Winehouse has apparently been – urg – having sex. With someone who isn’t her husband or that new bloke she’s been dragging around lately. Amy Winehouse has apparently been having sex with – gleurgh – a long-haired American photographer. And it’s all the fault of – huuurrrgh – Kelly Osbourne. If you need us we’ll be puking and crying at the same time in the corner.

Honestly, these revelations about Amy Winehouse cheating on her husband really knocked us for six. Not because she uses every possible public appearance to bellow the word “Blake!” like a wounded dinosaur, but because Blake Fielder-Civil is just an unquestionable hunk of dreamy masculinity.

Really, look at Blake’s lank hair and stupid pointless face. How could anyone cheat on a sexy cowboy like that?

But apparently it’s happened. Amy Winehouse is now together with Alex Haines, a drug-free moderate drinker who’d be completely without worth if he didn’t look so freakishly identical to Phil Mitchell’s deaf son from EastEnders. Alex will be good for Amy Winehouse, they say, because he’s a giant cissy and the most dangerous thing he’s ever done involved putting some raw meat on top of some cooked meat in his fridge for three seconds in 1989.

But the story doesn’t end there because, before she hooked up with Little Lord Fauntleroy, it’s been claimed that Amy Winehouse also had a bit of an affair with an American photographer called Blake Wood who basically looks like a teenage pony that listens to too much Megadeth.

During their affair, Amy’s friends even took to calling Wood Blake 2 – not because he shares the same name as Amy Winehouse’s husband, but because he looks as if he stinks of shit. Anyway, The Sun reports:

AMY WINEHOUSE’s new guy is the SECOND fella she cheated on her jailed husband with, The Sun can reveal… She was just out of rehab and staying at London’s Park Plaza hotel when she began romping with American BLAKE WOOD — dubbed Blake II by her chums. One said: “You could hear them down the hall. Her thing with Blake II lasted a few weeks. The pair barely left their room.” The photographer had been helping Amy battle her drug demons after she was introduced to him by her pal KELLY OSBOURNE, 23.

There’s good cause to doubt this story – because legend has it that if anyone hears Amy Winehouse having sex, from down the hall or not, they spend the rest of their lives in the kind of quivering catatonic state usually reserved for those who’ve just seen a bear angrily rape their entire family – but it’s more fun to believe it, so we will.

It’ll be interesting to see how this new revelation will alter whatever divorce settlement Blake Civil-Fielder has coming to him, but not as interesting as the fact that Amy Winehouse has allegedly managed to cheat on her husband with at least two different people so far. That brings the total of people who find Amy Winehouse attractive enough to risk the health of their own penis up to three, and frankly that’s about six more than we’d originally anticipated.

Read more:

Amy also slept with US snapper - The Sun

Sure, Cheryl may have stuck with Ashley Cole even though she knew he was cheating on her with a bunch of women, and only decided to leave him because she was embarrassed that the papers eventually found out, but apart from that Cheryl Cole's still got her dignity. And she once sang a song called Racey Lacey, but apart from that Cheryl's got dignity coming out of her wazoo.

Cheryl Cole's left Ashley Cole by the way. We think that was our original point.

In retrospect, Ashley and Cheryl Cole were the perfect couple. For anyone who thought that Posh and Becks were too well-bred, or Wayne Rooney and Coleen McLoughlin were too intellectually stimulating, or that Michael Owen and whoever he's married to were too flat-out, pedal-to-the-metal rock and roll, there was Ashley and Cheryl Cole. They were just like the rest of us, only richer and thicker.

But now it looks like you'll have to find a new pop star/ footballer couple to become freakishly emotionally invested in even though you've never met, seen or spoken to either of them. Because following last week's claims that Ashley Cole has slept with every single woman on Earth, Cheryl Cole has finally decided that enough's enough. She's ditched him, at least temporarily. Sky reports:

Cheryl Cole is reported to be taking a break away from her husband Ashley Cole. She's said to have left their Surrey home for a secret location, in order to think things over. ITN quotes Cheryl's agent as saying: "They (Cheryl and Ashley) are definitely still together. There is obviously lots of stuff going on at the moment and Cheryl has gone away for a break to clear her head for a few days."

Cheryl's gone to clear her head? Well at least she's given herself a job that shouldn't take too long.

So what's the deal now? Cheryl Cole has left Ashley Cole, even though they're still together? That doesn't make sense. Perhaps what's happened is this – Cheryl Cole has decided to spend a week or two away from Ashley until the newspapers find something else to write about, and then she'll quietly move back in with him and warn him that he'll have to be more careful about who he cheats on her with in the future. After all, she doesn't seem upset that Ashley cheated on her, just that it ended up in the newspapers.

Also, we're hearing that Cheryl Cole is – or at least was – planning to have a baby with Ashley to stop him wandering again. And that's a genius idea – after all, there's nothing that will stop an alleged serial cheat like a screaming red goo-covered alien that'll stop him from having sex with his wife at all for a period of up to six months is there? Why haven't more people thought of that?

Read more:

Cheryl's Hubby Break – Sky