Well have we got good news for you – You may be able to solve all those issues soon with the help of Snoop Doggy Dogg. He’s selling his old garden shed on eBay. That’s right, on eBay – so someone like you can help keep up hip hop’s proud tradition of extremely precise lawn care.

Now right off the bat you may think there’s absolutely no need to purchase Snoop’s old backyard tool shed. You may even think that although it looked real nice in the rapper’s backyard it would probably just crowd your livingroom.

To that we say this – don’t lose this chance so foolishly. After all, this is the same garden shed Snoop was wearing when he infamously got kicked out of Heathrow, and its the same shed he was wearing while he did almost a literal 1000 hours of community service for something or other.

Still not convinced it’d be a smart buy? But it’s for charity you selfish boob. As E! Online puts it:

“The hip-hop star is putting his favorite old backyard haunt—where he’s done some serious woodshedding over the years to craft some of his biggest hits and hang out with some of music’s brightest luminaries—on the eBay auction block to raise funds for Snoop’s Youth Football League.

“”I’ve had this shed since tha turn of tha century,” Snoop tells E! News. “I’ve beaten over 1,000 people in Madden in it, watched football game tape, seen the Lakers win championships, and, most of all, written hits in it.”"

And if that still doesn’t convince you the Dogg is prepared to sweeten the deal by throwing in the butler that’s been permanently assigned to the building for at least the past two years. And if you act now you can get a free diamond encrusted carrot peeler. It sounds tacky but it actually looks quite nice.

Surely by now you must be wondering where you can buy such a fine backyard product while financially contributing to little boys in padding tackling each other. Well, the link is right here.

Better click fast – its already over $1000.

With an option to rent to own.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

And that’s because now everyone’s reading Twilight instead, despite the fact that reading a staunchly conservative abstinence manifesto dressed up as a slushy emo romance fantasy in front of other adults is far worse than reading Harry Potter.

So hooray for JK Rowling, who tomorrow releases her new Harry Potter spin-off book The Tales of Beedle the Bard, either for charity or to help us identify idiots more easily on the tube. Merry Christmas to you too, JK!

We thought that JK Rowling had been living in idle luxury since the publication of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows last year, maybe ordering 50 pizzas at once and then crapping all over them, or maybe giving the homeless urine-covered five-pound notes to take off their trousers and sing I’m A Little Teapot as loudly as possible. We’d expect JK Rowling does that because it’s exactly what we’d do if we earnt £13,000 an hour, too.

But we were wrong. Just because she’s so rich that she could tile her swimming pool with orphan teeth if she wanted, JK Rowling has found endless things to do with her time – like suing people who admire her and talking down to people more intelligent than her. And she’s also managed to make a clean break and move on from her Harry Potter days, too.

Well, OK, not a clean break, exactly. Or any other kind of break, for that matter. In fact, JK Rowling has pretty much carried on writing about Harry Potter regardless, like a woman who hasn’t stopped packing her husband’s lunchbox every morning even though he died a year ago.

The Tales Of Beedle The Bard might be familiar to some Harry Potter fans because not only was it alluded to in the Harry Potter novels, but it’s also the book that JK Rowling handwrote and auctioned off for almost £2 million last year. And now, in a peculiarly millionaire-spiting move, JK Rowling will tomorrow widely publish a printed, easier-to-read version of The Tales Of Beedle The Bard at a generously pikey-friendly price. Reuters reports:

A new book by British author J.K. Rowling, her unofficial farewell to the adventures of boy wizard Harry Potter which made her the world’s wealthiest writer, goes on sale on Thursday. Proceeds from “The Tales of Beedle the Bard,” expected to become an international bestseller even though the seven-book Potter series is over, will go to a charity for vulnerable children in Eastern Europe co-founded by Rowling.

Now, we haven’t researched this properly, but the charity that proceeds of The Tale Of Beedle The Bard will go to is either The Children’s High Level Group which campaigns to protect and promote children’s rights across Europe, or The Stitch This Harry Potter Merchandise Faster And I Might Give You Some Of My Food Foundation, which we’ve just made up. But it’s definitely one of those two.

But if you don’t want to The Tales Of Beedle The Bard, then don’t worry. Knowing what a cash cow Harry Potter is, it’s only a matter of time before someone at Warner Bros adapts it into a movie. And that way, rather than helping some whiny European kids, you’ll be lining the pockets of an obnoxious power-crazed nonspecific Hollywood executive who we imagine cheats on his wife with a teenager and spends his weekend throwing pebbles at dogs.

Which is better, obviously.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

If you said ‘the last thing you would want to do when you’re publicly denying any kind of relationship with another high-profile person, while at the same time dealing with a particularly expensive divorce would be to donate $500,000 to said high-profile person’s charity’ then you would be correct. You would also have used an overly wordy response. But you would be right, and we won’t take that away from you.

It would seem that this was yet another lesson in the world of today that Alex ‘A-Rod’ Rodriguez was never taught, seeing as he’s only ruddy well gone and agreed to donate half a million dollars to Madonna’s charity, Raising Malawi, while he’s both rumoured to be more than friends with Madge and is part way through E-vorcing his wife. Which is costing him a lot of money.

He could at least have waited a bit, the big, silly, baseball man.

But no, A-Rod is probably too far gone in his brainwashing to turn Madonna down, seemingly feeling that he has to pay the money out right now. But all is not lost for the baseball supremo, as it would seem the mind-warping kabbalah hasn’t completely broken down his resolve. Speaking to the New York Daily News, a source said:

“They’ve asked him for a million dollars, and I hear he’s agreed to give at least $500,000.”

So unless it’s some kind of evil kabbalah test to see how well A-Rod’s mind has handled the brainwashing, it would seem the man is still in control of some of his faculties. His financial ones, at least.

The charity in question which Rodriguez donated to is Madonna’s pet project, aiming to get schools built in Malawi. While it has been denied that these schools will be kabbalah brainwashing centres, there is still the chance that their function is to either train these children to be gap-toothed hags with no talent, or possibly just big men who hit things with sticks for a living. Or even gap-toothed hagmen with no talent who hit things with sticks for a living, while wearing leotards that bit too tight.

A chilling thought, we’re sure you’ll agree.

We can get one thing from all of this though – if A-Rod reads this story, which he’s sure to do as hecklerspray is a worldwide phenomenon, he may finally pick up on at least one of life’s lessons. In future, Alex, if you’re trying to deny any kind of relationship with Madonna, just don’t donate half a million dollars to her.

It’s a simple one and we know it can be easy to overlook, but take the point on board and make sure you don’t make the mistake again. Discretion being the better part of valour, and all that guff.

Unless you want to donate $500,000 to make Guy Ritchie just go away forever. That we would heartily recommend.

Her and us could probably talk for hours about the things we have in common – ownership of a bicycle, for instance. Yes, that’s it. We could talk about the ownership of bicycles. Well wherever our fantastic conversation is gonna lead us – it’s gonna lead us there soon. After all, we will do whatever it takes to ensure our eBay bid for a date with her is the one that reins supreme.

It better anyway. We just bought a new button-down shirt at Wal-Mart, and we’re having our favorite pants professionally pressed. We’d be embarrassed to have gone all out like that for nothing.

Miley Cyrus may only be thirteen or something, but she’s an old soul. Her life experience is such that, at least mentally, she’s every bit as forty-seven as we are. This should really help us relate to her while she’s sitting across the McDonalds table from us on the date she agreed to go on so long as we pay her thousands of dollars.

To be clear she hasn’t agreed to any dates yet – but if our bid slips onto eBay uncontested just before the auction closes she sure will. We’re also emailing her a picture of our eyes. Girls really seem to dig our eyes, and we feel it could help our effort.

And yes – we said you can win a date with Cyrus if you successfully buy her on eBay. It sounds a bit like human trafficking or something, which several border-authorities have expressly told us is quite illegal. Be careful – that’s all we’re saying.

All Headline News says of the auction:

“The Disney teen star is auctioning off a date on eBay, with the highest bidder being able to attend the premiere of Cyrus’s Disney animated film “Bolt,” which opens November 26. The highest bid for the night-on-the-town with the Hannah Montana star, 15, currently stands around $2,000. The auction kicked off Tuesday night and ends July 29. The auction is benefiting the Cyrus family’s charity, Pappy Cyrus Family Foundation, named for Miley’s grandfather, which supports underprivileged children.”

Wait – don’t get too excited. The whole thing sounds a lot less date-like when you read about it on the actual eBay site:

“Starting at 7 PM PST July 22 through July 29, you can bid on a once in a lifetime chance to meet Miley Cyrus at the premiere of her new Disney film Bolt, plus take home her personal wardrobe, signed albums and photos, and a few of her favorite things.”

It looks like in the end, nobody new will actually be able to claim any sort of ownership over Cyrus. That’s a shame – because after a few years her resale value would have been through the roof. You know – after she’s had plenty of time to revamp Sex & The City, clarify the definition of what exactly is considered a curse word in the English language, and all her questionable internet pics have aged enough to become bonafide collectables.

After all that you could probably get triple what you paid for her.

Another way is to read the news today. You see, Britney Spears turned up at a charity party at Jim Carrey’s house this weekend not looking as if she’d spent the last month wide awake and screaming at the ceiling. And that’s a news story, apparently.

Of course it is – we all care about Britney Spears, so it goes without saying that everything she does should be held up as a shining example of what other mentally unwell, legally unfit mothers can be capable of with a nice dress, some expensive hair and make-up and a brief appearance at a movie star’s fancy charity party.

One of the most heartening things about 2008 has been Britney Spears’ gradual rehabilitation. It was just a few short months ago, remember, that Britney got naked and held her son hostage in a locked bathroom until the authorities came and wheeled her away to a psychiatric hospital for urgent treatment. But now everything’s just rosy.

True, Britney Spears has just lost custody of her children forever, her last CD bombed and she still can’t be trusted to spend any of her money without her father’s permission, but it’s a long hard road. With a lot of time, hard work and dedication, we might even be able to see the old Britney Spears again before long – you know, the Britney who vomited up a lot and thought she was the devil. They were golden times.

Things certainly look good for Britney Spears, because last weekend she attended a party at Jim Carrey’s house to raise funds for the child autism charity he’s so heavily involved with. What’s more, she was wearing all her clothes the right way round and didn’t once try and smash anything up with an umbrella. The Telegraph reports:

“She looked great and seemed really happy,” a guest told a US magazine at the party held at the actor Jim Carrey’s home in California. He said she kept close to her assistant and didn’t speak to other guests, but seemed happy and relaxed. “She smiled and clapped during the video about autism,” he added.

OK, so maybe Britney hasn’t completely recovered yet – smiling and clapping during a heartrending video presentation about child illness sounds like the work of a very special type of weirdo – but we can still see signs that Britney Spears is definitely getting better.

She didn’t talk to any of the other guests at the party, for example. That’s great news – Britney clearly understands that even 30 seconds of conversation with Jim Carrey when he’s being all over-exaggerated and earnest is enough to send even the most sturdy-minded individual into a shrieking spiral of tormented madness. We should take this as a positive.

It was an age of moralising without snobbery, with heroes you wanted to be and leading men you wished you could just hug and say ‘thank you’ to.

Paul Newman is a man from that age, and to this day he carries on being a shining example to the world of Hollywood as to what makes a man.

Newman doesn’t bother hyping himself up to be our new saviour – he eschews the limelight that could so easily surround his incredible array of charity works and instead focuses on, well, raising the money. Not constantly appearing on TV to tell us all that he’s raising money – the man just goes out there and does it, managing to make some damn fine marinades for your chicken in the process.

Not like those modern day ponces who skip around from chat show to radio discussion, elaborating to anyone who cares (clue: no one) on how they aim to change the world, that China may not have a great human rights record and generally patronising all with the combination of ears and the ability to understand language.

Nor does he take his time being clinically insane, leaping about the place, alienating fans and generally being a grade ‘A’ berk. The man may subscribe to a religion, he may not, but he certainly doesn’t jog around from port to port cramming his beliefs down anyone’s throat.

What a guy.

Paul Newman inhabits the same echelon of existence saved for members of the human race who are just great, above all reproach and come across as thoroughly nice people – like Gregory Peck, for example. The kind of people that even we at hecklerspray towers find it hard to take issue with.

But unlike the Pecker, Newman isn’t dead. And if his latest statement about his health is anything to go on, the 83-year-old won’t be for a while. Speaking to journalists through his spokesperson, the following factoid was revealed:

“Newman says he’s doing nicely.”

Granted, this does nothing to quell the rumours that the retired actor is gravely ill with cancer, but if Paul says he’s doing great, hecklerspray believes him.

If one of the manliest men that has ever existed tells you he’s okay – even if it’s through a third party – then he’s okay. Stop the speculation and just hope the alleged lung cancer isn’t true; we’ve had enough life-threatening cancer for this year, thanks.

To be fair though, cancer clearly wouldn’t stand a chance against Newman. He’d crack a pool cue over that fucker’s back.

Over the last few days, what with Celine Dion ploughing through 6.5 million gallons of water in a year and Sharon Stone blaming the Chinese earthquake on karma, we’ve thought a lot about how much celebrities care.

And they care a lot. Celebrities, because they are celebrities, feel suffering much more strongly than anyone else. And there’s only one outlet for this profound level of caring – the all-star charity song. We all know the big ones – like We Are The World and Do They Know It’s Christmas – but there are plenty of other less well-known ones out there as well.

Like What More Can I Give by Michael Jackson And Friends, a song written about South Africa, recorded after 9/11 and never properly released because its video was apparently shot by a director of gay porn. Anastacia, Nick Carter, Usher, Ricky Martin, ‘N Sync, Hanson – they all appear on What More Can I Give, though we’d expect none of them would want to discuss it if you asked them about it now.

Why? Try and watch What More Can I Give all the way to the end and you’ll see why. It’s hard, we know – you’ll suffer through more fist-pumping oversincerity than you can possibly imagine – but it’s absolutely worth it, just to see the bit where Usher and Celine Dion give heartfelt spoken-word messages. Not about 9/11, you understand. About Michael Jackson. Incredible.

Not content with the book of Harry Potter fairy tales she recently wrote, or the Harry Potter encyclopedia she’s working on now, JK Rowling has found the time to write a prequel to the Harry Potter books, set before Harry first went to Hogwarts.

However, there’s only one copy of this 800-word Harry Potter prequel and it’s going to be auctioned for charity, so hardly anyone will be able to read it. But the rest of you shouldn’t worry – give it a year and Warner Bros will have bought the rights and padded it out into a brand new nine-hour movie trilogy. In space.

As any novelist and most parents will tell you, it’s difficult to kill off your own creation. That definitely seems to be the case with Harry Potter and JK Rowling. JK Rowling finished writing Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows a couple of years ago, but she just can’t seem to let go of the boy wizard.

Maybe that’s because Harry Potter has been JK Rowling’s closest companion for a decade. Maybe it’s because Harry Potter left a mark on society more indelible than anything else JK Rowling will ever write. Or maybe it’s because Harry Potter made JK Rowling so rich that all the jewelery she now owns is made from the crystallised remains of Jesus Christ. Who knows?

Whatever the reason, JK Rowling seems unable to stop sneaking out new Harry Potter morsels every couple of months. First it was the handwritten Harry Potter fairy tales that were given to friends and auctioned off. Then there’s the Harry Potter encyclopedia that’s definitely JK Rowling’s idea and she’ll sue you if you copy her. And now there’s a brand-new Harry Potter prequel.

Don’t get too excited, though – the Harry Potter prequel is only 800 words long and written on both sides of an A5 storycard, which means you’ll look like even more of a dick than usual if you try reading it on the tube. Also there’s only one copy and it’s probably going to cost about £5 million when it’s sold in a charity auction next month. Sky News reports:

Rowling has penned a prequel to the bestselling seven-book series describing what happened to Harry before he went to Hogwarts. The new piece is one of 13 story outlines written by famous writers for a charity auction to be held by Waterstones on June 10…. [Rowling] says at the end of the story, written on both sides of an A5 storycard: “From the prequel I am not working on – but that was fun!”

We’re not entirely sure what happens in this new Harry Potter prequel but, since Star Wars was such an obvious influence on the Harry Potter books, we believe that it’ll centre around a complex and obscure trade disagreement, show Lord Voldemort as the adorable little boy from Jingle All The Way and feature a stupid racially-dubious alien that everyone hates because he’s obviously just there to sell merchandising.

Still, it’s wrong of us to criticise JK Rowling here, because her exclusive one-off Harry Potter prequel is bound to raise an incredible amount of money for charity. Plus it’s infinitely better than her original idea for a story outline – basically an inky imprint of her arse and the words ‘I am rich! Suck it dickheads!’ angrily scrawled out underneath it in lipstick.

It's a lovely, kindhearted thing for Jessica Simpson to do. Or at least it would be, if Jessica hadn't ratcheted up a gigantic bill to hand the organisers in the process.

Although her Kuwait visit is essentially a goodwill trip, Jessica Simpson's private jet, accommodation and beauty entourage will leave concert organisers MySpace hundreds of thousands of dollars out of pocket. That's fair enough, though – those troops want to see a bright-orange man-jawed bimbo of questionable musical credibility, not a bright-orange man-jawed bimbo of questionable musical credibility with a rubbish make-up job.

Jessica Simpson's visit to Kuwait as part of Operation MySpace today has raised her profile immeasurably. A few weeks ago Jessica Simpson was the star of a hopeless turkey of a movie, presenter of a binned fitness DVD and girlfriend to an identikit sports star. A far cry from the days of Jessica Simpson being America's sweetheart just because she got to show off her tits and her devastating lack of intelligence on that reality TV show of hers, you'll agree.

But then Jessica Simpson announced her Kuwait concert and she was everyone's number one doll again. As well as reminding the world that she's a singer, Jessica Simpson also showed that she wasn't the vacuous, shallow-hearted, out-of-touch moron that some would have you believe. No – she was going to gee up the sagging morale of the troops stationed in Kuwait, and all for free. What a wonderful, if slightly oddly-coloured, girl Jessica Simpson is.

Except it's not completely free. Not once you've factored in expenses like the private jet and the expensive entourage that Jessica Simpson sure as sugar isn't paying for. MSNBC reports:

According to a source close to the Simpson camp, a private plane carrying Simpson and her entourage — which includes dad Joe, hairstylist Ken Paves, her personal assistant and a stylist — left L.A. and was due in Kuwait the evening of March 9. Total cost for the plane was approximately $150,000. Someone will be picking up the tab for accommodations as well, even though it’s been touted that Simpson will be forgoing her standard hotel suite to spend the night living like the troops in a bunk… Other expenses include her stylist and makeup artist (who both charge approximately $6,000 per day), and [hairdresser Ken] Paves, whose day rate is a whopping $10,000, according to the Simpson source.

$22,000 a day just to make Jessica Simspon look presentable? That's… well, actually that probably just about covers the cost of the Polyfilla and weaponised bronzer that she looks as if she rolls around in first thing each morning. Fair enough.

MySpace spokespeople have maintained that, although Jessica Simpson has racked up a hefty expenses bill, she hasn't been paid for the performance itself and is basically doing a good thing. Which, on reflection is probably true. How can sending Jessica Simpson to a country studded with anti-personnel landmines and chock full of lethal automatic weapons be anything but good? Jessica, we forgive you.

Read more:

Simpson’s Kuwait concert ‘isn’t a charity show’ – MSNBC 

Not a flipping chance. In fact, if current reports are to be believed, Jennifer Aniston is still quite miserable about the whole shebang and blames Angelina Jolie for ruining her entire life.

Which should make for a fun evening on February 23, because that's when all three of them are going to host a charity event in Beverly Hills together. Let's hope it's a charity auction, because they could make a fortune flogging off the clumps of hair and flesh that Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie will invariably claw off each other about three seconds after clapping eyes on each other.

Here's some friendly advice – don't go out next Saturday night. Stay in. In fact, turn off your gas and electricity at the mains, shut your windows and sit under a table, because there's a chance that the screams of "You BITCH! You stole my husband and RUINED MY LIFE!" coming from Beverly Hills will be loud enough to actually knock aircraft out of the sky.

Because next Saturday Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston will meet for the first time since Brad Pitt ran away with Angelina while he was married to Aniston.

It's a tricky situation that we've all been in at one point or another – bumping into an ex when they're with their new partner. And this is the situation that Jennifer Aniston will find herself in on February 23 when she'll co-host a charity event with Brad and Angelina. But Jennifer's situation is slightly different to yours, because when you split up with your last partner you didn't spend six months snivelling about it on Oprah and your partner's new girlfriend wasn't pregnant with twins when you met. 

And, importantly, OK! magazine hadn't made the scheduled meeting its cover story 10 days before it actually happened. Which it has with Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. OK! reports:

“It's been three years since they split," one pal of Jen Aniston reveals to OK! about the actress' divorce from Brad Pitt. "But she's still so far from getting over him, it's tragic.” And on Feb. 23, when Jen, Brad and the woman he left her for,  Angelina Jolie, will all take part in hosting a charity event at the Beverly Hills Hotel, the tension in the room will most certainly be palpable. Sources tell OK! the former Friends star is now gearing up for the moment she'll have to say hello to Angelina or, as she chooses to put it, "that person who ruined my life."

It's bound to be a hard moment for Jennifer Aniston – losing the world's most desirable man must be hard enough to bear, but having to try and maintain a friendly smile in front of him and his new girlfriend because you know that the entire world is waiting for you to crack and go apeshit must be nearly impossible.

But it's important that Jennifer Aniston remembers that she's a clever, attractive women in her own right and that she can totally hold her own in front of Angelina Jolie when they meet. After all, Aniston hasn't exactly been unlucky in love herself lately. Can Angelina Jolie say that she's slept with the funny-looking fat bloke from Fred Claus? No.

No she can't.

Read more:

Cover Story: Angelina's Joy Is Jen's Pain – OK 

And that's why Madonna recently invited every single famous person alive to the United Nations to help raise money to save Malawi.

A noble gesture, sure, but not especially long-sighted – because now that Madonna's helping to get Malawi richer, she's effectively reducing the number of penniless illiterate Malawian widowers who she can confuse into letting her adopt their children in the future. Silly Madonna.

With the writers' strike threatening awards shows left right and centre, there haven't really been that many chances for lots of very famous people to mill around each other while silently cursing because Demi Moore's ankles are fractionally thinner than their own – but luckily Madonna has saved the day.

And it's all thanks to the shitty time that everyone in Malawi is having. On Wednesday night Madonna was the host of a party at the United Nations designed to help her charity Raising Malawi and UNICEF, and the place was overflowing with big names all dressed up to the nines, even if we suspect that most of them think that Malawi is a character from The Lion King. E! Online reports:

"I want to put Raising Malawi on the map," Madonna told E! News on why she decided to host the fund-raising evening. "I want to help vulnerable children around the world and to get other people to do the same." The evening was a combination dinner and live auction to raise money for the charity, followed by a cocktail party complete with requisite A-list musical guests… "I think it's incredible. It's so inspiring, and it makes everything else not seem so important and that's why we're here," [Gwen] Stefani told E! News.

There's a pretty good chance that Gwen Stefani was talking about jotting down what Madonna was wearing and then ripping it off on the cover of her next album rather than the whole Malawi thing, but let's not worry about that.

The biggest draw of the night was Madonna's auction, where people paid $350,000 for a trip to a sports stadium and a football lesson from David Beckham. The best result of the evening, though, was the 'tour with Madonna and then have a dancing lesson with Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow' lot, where someone effectively paid $600,000 to watch Madonna annoy the Pope and only ever shit through a brand-new toilet seat.

All in all, Madonna's Malwai party raised $3.7 million, even if it drew criticism for all the blatant advertising for Gucci plastered everywhere. Although it's not known where all the money raised will go, it's thought that it'll be split 50/50 between inhumanely punishing the people in Malawi who didn't want her to adopt David Banda a couple of years ago and erecting a giant wall around the perimeter of the country to stop Angelina Jolie from swooping in and adopting all the babies.

Those babies are Madonna's! You hear that, Angelina? They belong to Madonna now!

Read more:

Madonna & Friends Raise Funds for Malawi – E! Online 

Bono, who is renowned for his messianic charisma and rumoured to heal the blind just with his touch, was criticised by Selassie for not involving grassroots African organisations and saying that such half-baked charity endeavours such as Live Aid are detrimental to the future of Africa. 

African Aid Action chief Selasie said:

"You can't impose change from without. It has to come from within and we won't end poverty with handouts."

Well, we're sure the celebrity multi-millionaire and tax evader philanthropist's friends will disagree, such as war-mongering President George Bush, who supported Bono's efforts at ending world hunger and violence by inviting him for dinner a few years back.

Don't worry Bono, a few more concerts with a range of spoilt and mediocre musicians will put any criticism from real charity workers to bed.

Read more:

Bono and Bob Geldof increase Africa's problems say charity – NME

[story by Paul McLoughlin]

Seriously, Heather Mills hates cows' milk so much that yesterday she went to Hyde Park's Speaker's Corner specifically to slag it off. Obviously, Heather Mill's attention-seeking rant was part of her new Viva vegan campaign that says global warming would reverse instantly if you stopped eating lasagne – but luckily Heather has an alternative plan for anyone who'll find it hard to become vegan straight away. Heather Mills wants you to start squirting rats' milk into your lattes from now on. And as devoted Heather Mills fans, that's what we're doing – in the office now we have up to a million rats strapped into Saw-style torture devices that do nothing but drain every last drop of milk from the rats' agonised bodies.

It's what Heather Mills would have wanted.

It's becoming clear to us that Heather Mills has a definite animal hierarchy in her head, and she's not afraid to tell the world which creatures are better than the others. Up until yesterday we had a vague idea of Heather's animal rankings – pigs were top because Heather likes pointing at them, then nude Germans, then mink because Heather likes wearing coats made from them, and then paedophiles, the only animals who mustn't be spoken about unless you're doing an impersonation of a distressed dolphin.

But what this hierarchy lacked was a top animal and a bottom animal. But thanks to Heather Mills' crackpot turn as the voice of vegan organisation Viva in Hyde Park yesterday, that's become perfectly apparent. The bottom animal is the cow, because of its role in global warming. And the top animal is the rat. Because rats sure do make delicious milk. 

Following the release of her disability-mocking Viva adverts, Heather Mills took to Speaker's Corner yesterday to deliver her pro-rat sermon:

"It's mad that we are having cows' milk. Even cows don't drink it after [the age of] one year, but we continue for ever. There are fields and fields of grain just miles from starving children in Africa being shipped to Europe to feed our livestock. There are 25 alternative milks available in health shops and supermarkets. Why do we not drink rats', cats' or dogs' milk?" 

Now, we're no experts, but we think we know why people don't drink rats' milk – and that's because it's fucking rats' milk. But, though we mock, we can completely see Heather's point here – not only are rats smaller than cows, so they take up less room when they're being milked, but their lives are ultimately more worthless than a cow's life, so you can tear the rat-babies straight from the mother-rat's womb and start milking them trapped in tiny boxes until the day they die and nobody will really care. Plus when you're done with them you can fit like 25 of them into a shoebox and throw it in a river.

Obviously, though, if people did start drinking rats' milk, Heather Mills would be the first person banging a drum and wearing anti-rat billboards outside the Rat Milk Advisory Board headquarters yelling about inhumane it all is. But, hey, just because Heather Mills is the sort of person who'd campaign for the ethical treatment of hairdressing equipment if it got her an inch of publicity, it doesn't mean that we shouldn't take this rat-based campaign seriously.

After all, Viva says that livestock produces 18% of the world's greenhouse gas emissions, making it the second-largest source in the world.

True, the largest source comes from all the claggy soybean and tofu farts that vegans constantly pump out of their malnourished arses, but we'll skip over that fact for now.

And that's not going to stop now, even though all those bulge-eyed, finger-swiping TV outbursts from a couple of weeks back have left Heather Mills with about as much credibility as a charity spokesperson as, say, Jade Goody or Krang from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Anyway, Heather Mills' latest bit of charity work is a set of billboards for militant vegetarian organisation Viva, which is claiming that climate change is such a problem because you eat sausages now and again. Oh, and another billboard where Heather Mills blames the meat industry for her leg amputation. We think – we haven't quite worked that one out yet.

The world is full of animal rights campaigners, from the three placard-waving men who try to make you feel guilty about going on a ferry from Dover because sometimes animals go on the boat too to the swathes of violent anti-animal testing campaigners to Sadie Frost, who keeps threatening to get her mimsy out if you don't stop eating meat right now.

And then there's Heather Mills – a woman whose recent charity work has included work for the Adopt-A-Landmine group, the Campaign For Pointing At Some Pigs and a new drive that seems to involve saying the world 'paedophile' in a high-pitched funny clown's voice on breakfast television every now and again.

But now Heather Mills has put her name to a new charity effort – Viva's Hot! campaign – which blames meat for everything from global warming to a loss of biodiversity to deforestation to acid rain to superbugs. Serious stuff indeed, but how has Viva ensured that people will ditch meat for vegetables and other assorted Pot Noodley meat substitutes? By getting Heather Mills to look all sweaty and slapping the picture on a billboard next to the slogan:

"Hey Meaty, you're making me so hot!"

Clever stuff, and Heather Mills seems intent to push the point home, telling the few people left who don't instinctively clamp their hands over their ears and shout "shutupshutupshutup" whenever they hear her voice that:

"I became a vegetarian for health reasons. Then I found out about the awful animal abuse in factory farms and dairy herds and became a vegan. The easiest and most effective way of cutting our contribution is to change our diet and go vegan. It is that simple."

Going vegan is also the easiest way to look a bit pasty and weak, as well as the easiest way to make sure that people are too scared to ever invite you round for dinner again, but that's beside the point because there's another Heather Mills Viva billboard around. And this one makes the livestock/ global warming point by saying:

"You haven't get a leg to stand on!"

Do you see? Because Heather Mills doesn't have a leg to stand on, either! That's so, um, disconcerting. Perhaps Heather Mills thinks that the best way to get people to throw away their bacon is to mock her own afflictions. And who knows – it might. For all we know Heather Mills cracking wise about her one leg might make for the most successful charity campaign ever. In fact, we sort of hope it does, because Heather Mills is brimming with other potential self-deprecating charity slogans if this one works.

Cross your fingers really hard and perhaps in the future you'll see Heather Mills advertising a Viva vegetable-growing drive with the catchphrase "I'm digging for spuds as well as gold!" or "Don't eat meat, eat a German bloke's wobbly red jelly knob. Or eat some cream! Off my tits!"

Yes. Both of those would work.