Outraged by all the Sam Ronson split talk, Lindsay Lohan has told the world via her MySpace blog that she and Sam absolutely haven’t split up – which we think is code for ‘let’s give it a fortnight, eh?’

Still, though, they’re still together and that’s good. Now if you feel something clawing wildly at your skin at night you’ll know it’s either a murderer or a feral raccoon, and not Lindsay Lohan trying to get her rocks off. Phew.

We’re sorry to have to tell you this, but the tears you shed yesterday upon hearing that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson had split up were all for nothing.

You see, that thing that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson apparently did on New Year’s Day – having an argument in a hotel that quickly escalated into a vicious WWE-style brawl that had to be broken up by security – was simply how lesbians express their love for one another. Or something. We don’t know. Look, the important thing is that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson haven’t split up, OK? Good.

How do we know that Lindsay and Sam are still together? Because Lindsay Lohan told us, that’s how. Well, not us specifically – in fact Lindsay Lohan chose to tell the legions of hooting all-caps remedial-level ninnies that make up the MySpace community via a post on her ever hilarious blog. Lindsay wrote:

little piece of TRUE information: we did NOT break up! access hollywood, extra, et, every tabloid, page six… AND every GOSSIP website. Get your stories straight please. It’s really annoying to have all of your friends emailing you saying, i saw i read etc… NOT TRUE xoxox Lindsay

That last bit, by the way, is pronounced ‘zokzoz’, and denotes a kind of high-level ranking in the church of Scientology. This is definitely true. Tom Cruise is three ranks up from Lindsay and signs off his paranoid MySpace blogs with ‘xarknoxxle Tom’. We may have made this entire paragraph up.

Anyway, the important thing is that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson haven’t split up. They’re still completely an item, and the New Year’s fight – if it happened at all – was just a one-off. After all, both Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have been under a lot of pressure lately – Lindsay Lohan is still looking to find a job that she won’t immediately be fired from and Sam Ronson has a specific type of exhaustion that arises when you don’t have a proper job and your girlfriend’s an idiot.

So the panic’s over. Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson still love each other as much as ever, and they’re planning to spend 2009 doing what they do best – trudging around various cities together pulling glum faces that make them look like they’re both breathing in concentrated animal farts.

And if we have to write another story this week about how Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have really split up for good, we’re shooting someone.

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You see Katy Perry and her Gym Class Hero boyfriend Travis McCoy have apparently split up, just weeks after they apparently got engaged. It’s all very sad and, as yet, nobody knows who’ll take custody of their one good song.

The split seems to have hit Travis McCoy particularly hard, as his recent angry blog entries have proved. Honestly, what sort of pathetic loser sits around all day filling the internet with vicious hatred? Oh.

It’s never easy to maintain a relationship when you’re in the public eye, and it can be even harder when you’re desperately doing everything you can to stay in the public eye despite being such an obvious one hit wonder that people often mistake you for the illegitimate offspring of Billy Ray Cyrus and one of The Weather Girls.

And that’s why we’re not particularly surprised by the news that Katy Perry and her boyfriend Travis McCoy have split up. Between twatting about with knives, pretending to have a secret crush on Scarlett Johansson and doing everything short of literally kidnapping an actual child to remind everyone that she still exists, Katy Perry can’t have had too much time to concentrate on McCoy.

And now it’s all over. The News Of The World reports that Katy Perry and Travis McCoy gave themselves a make-or-break Christmas trip to Mexico, but not even spending time together in an environment primarily consisting of cacti, uncomfortable heat and millions of little hairy men could keep them together:

My source told me: “It’s sad, but they were fighting a lot in recent months because they never saw each other. When somebody becomes very famous very quickly their relationship usually suffers. She’s going through such a huge time at the moment so needs to be on her own.” [Travis] raged at Katy on his blog… “My Laptop is my new b***h, LOYAL, LISTENS, and NEVER LETS ME DOWN!”

No wonder Travis McCoy is so upset – it can be difficult for a man when his girlfriend becomes more successful than him. And remember that Katy Perry has got one song that some people know the title of even though none of them could sing it all the way through even if you put a gun to their heads, which makes her about 4,000 times successful than Travis.

However, what does make this split slightly unusual is that less than a month ago we reported that Katy Perry and Travis McCoy were engaged. And now it’s all off. It just goes to show that things move fast in Katy Perry’s world. Again, that doesn’t come as much of a surprise, though – if Katy Perry can cram an entire musical career into about a month and a half, then getting engaged and splitting up within 18 days must be a titting cakewalk for her.

Read more:

Katy: I Dissed A Boy - News Of The World

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Just ask Sam Ronson. Reports are emerging suggesting that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have split up after a series of arguments and frenzied punch-attacks on New Year’s Day.

Whether Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson really have split up remains to be seen, but we hope so. That’d mean that Lindsay Lohan has now exhausted her supply of both men and women, and we’d be keen to see who she tries to have sex with next. Our guess? A bookish owl.

Well, Lindsay Lohan’s year of sex didn’t turn out to be much cop, did it? Looking back, Lindsay Lohan’s year of glumly traipsing around with a lesbian who looks like a ska-themed knitting needle seems more appropriate. Or Lindsay Lohan’s year of humiliating unemployment. Either one’s fine.

But at least Lindsay looks ready to make amends. Which is why, in the early hours of 2009, Lindsay Lohan appeared to open the book of Lindsay Lohan’s year of drastically violent heartbroken punching. It might not scan particularly well but, if the reports of Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson having a relationship-ending fistfight in a hotel on New Year’s Day are true, at least it’s accurate. Yahoo reports:

An onlooker said: “The screams and crashing from their room were heard all over the hotel. They spilled out into the hallway at 11am on New Years day, kicking and punching each other. People were watching. They were going for it – it was scary. Lindsay seemed unstable. At one point she dropped to her knees and cried, ‘Why are you doing this to me?’ Sam just said, ‘I don’t know you.’”

Now, although there might be witnesses to this fight, we should probably take the split thing with a pinch of salt. After all, Sam Ronson has spent months in the company of Lindsay Lohan, so angrily punching her in the face now and then is probably just a perfectly natural by-product of that.

What interests us far more is what happens next. The sharper-minded readers among you will remember a startlingly similar story from a couple of years ago, when Lindsay Lohan and Calum Best had an identical fight in the lobby of a hotel. If the pattern continues to hold, we can confidently predict that one of two things will happen in the next couple of weeks.

1) Heartbroken by her split, Sam Ronson decides to leak photos of what appear to be Lindsay Lohan slathering her dirty mouth all over her genitals across the internet.

2) Lindsay Lohan falls off the wagon in spectacular style, takes all the drugs in the world, gets arrested several times for her basic inability to drive a car, spends 18 months in 27 different rehab facilities then comes out and shacks up with a eunuch even though neither of them look like they even slightly enjoy it.

Either way, it looks like we’ll be getting the fun Lindsay Lohan back. Hooray for romantic failure!

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If they followed the rules, then Girls Aloud would have split up three years ago, with one of them having a marginally successful solo career, three of them ending up as reality TV show fodder and the fifth one disappearing from sight and porking out a bit. The rules suggest that this would be the ginger one.

But, hey, better late than never – turns out that everyone in Girls Aloud hates Nadine so much that they might be splitting up.

For a manufactured girlband from a reality TV show, Girls Aloud have shown incredible longevity in their career, and this is down to all of them having clearly identifiable personalities. For example, there’s the skinny blonde one, the skinny brunette one, the skinny ginger one, the skinny Irish one and, um, whoever’s left.

There are several other reasons why Girls Aloud haven’t split up yet, too, including the facts that a) one of them is always in the papers because her footballer husband apparently vomited WKD down a slag’s tits during intercourse, b) they’ve got a sonic magician for a producer and c) the one who can sing hasn’t worked out that she’d make more money as a solo artist.

Except she might have done. According to the News Of The World, Girls Aloud are dangerously close to splitting up because dear old Nadine Coyle can’t decide if she wants to be in the group or not and everyone hates her for it:

A close friend of Kimberley, who used to be Nadine’s best pal, told me: “The other four can’t stand her these days because they feel her heart isn’t in the band. Cheryl and Kimberley are now best friends, which Nadine has found quite hurtful. She’s become very distant and seems to resent the time she has to spend in London away from her new base in LA. Getting her to show up for things can be very difficult.”

It’s easy to see why this has happened – all of Girls Aloud have found other things to do with their time in recent years. Cheryl Cole is now contractually obliged to appear on a TV show once a week and cry whenever a crap-haired barefoot idiot gets voted out and a boy who looks like four kilos of meat pate stuffed into a pair of old lady’s tights hugs her, Kimberley seems like she’s contractually obliged to turn up on the same show every third week and do the same and the other two are… well, look, let’s not pretend that anyone cares about the other two, shall we?

But it’s Nadine who’s made the biggest leap – she’s been in LA ever since she got a taste of the limelight by kissing the boy mannequin from Desperate Housewives until he turned to drink, so no wonder everyone else is having trouble getting her to spend her summer weekends miming Love Machine in Bognor Regis sandwiched on a bill between McFly and The Hoosiers for the benefit of Alexa Titting Chung.

However, we should look on the bright side here – stories about Girls Aloud splitting up roll along every year like clockwork, so we shouldn’t take this news too seriously. The worst case scenario is that Nadine Coyle will leave Girls Aloud and the other four will plough on without her. And that’s not so bad.

After all, when Geri Halliwell left the Spice Girls, they still managed to release one badly-selling album. And when Kym left Hear’Say they still managed to release one badly-selling single. And when Paul Cattermole left S Club 7 they still managed to release one badly-selling album and one barely-watched film so, um…

On the plus side, we hear Matalan is hiring.

Read more:

Girls Alone – News Of The World

That’s fact. Paris Hilton becoming queen would be like that hilarious movie King Ralph except, instead of being about a fat American with bad manners it’d be about a stupid American with no manners. Plus it’d be funnier because it was really happening. And, if one wild-eyed report is to believe, it might just come true – Prince William has been named as a possible cause of the split between Paris Hilton and Benji Madden.

Of course, we’re joking. Regardless of the veracity of these reports, Paris Hilton would make a terrible queen of England. Her days are spent wearing embarrassingly ostentatious jewellery, simpering around important people without ever understanding what they do and leeching piles of money that she doesn’t really deserve. Meanwhile, the Queen’s days are spent… hey, wait a minute!

So Paris Hilton has split up with Benji Madden. It’s sad, we know. She didn’t even get to make an inadvertently repulsive sex tape with him or anything.

But this Paris Hilton/ Benji Madden split isn’t just another tiresome celebrity split story about a person nobody cares about and another person that people wouldn’t be able to recognise if he wore a big hat that flashed the words ‘I’M BENJI MADDEN’ while performing something called The Benji Madden Dance to a song called Theme From You’re Looking At Benji Madden, and wouldn’t even care if they did. No, for the Paris Hilton/ Benji Madden split could deeply change the face of western civilisation forever.

That’s not even an exaggeration. For the ever-reliable Fox News has decided to claim that one potential cause for the Hilton/ Madden split is Paris Hilton’s growing friendship with heir to the throne Prince William. Seriously, we’re not making this up. Look:

According to an insider… Prince William may have had plans to meet up with Paris to ring in the New Year, having spent quite some time with her while she’s been filming her “My BFF” show in London. So did Prince William’s extra attention irk Benji? According to an inside source, the ultra-quiet Benji can be well, kind of controlling.

Now, we know what you’re going to say. Prince William can’t elope with Paris Hilton because he’s going out with that girl who’s got a face like a dinner plate. But the more we think about it, the more Paris Hilton and Prince William seem suited to one another. For example:

*Both Prince William and Paris Hilton will never have to do a real day’s work in their entire lives.

*Prince William and Paris Hilton both have drunk little brothers.

*Prince William and Paris Hilton both sort of turn into wankers around the paparazzi.

*Neither of their families are particularly good at getting away with drink driving.

What’s more – and this is a very important point – Paris Hilton is tactically a very good choice for Prince William to pick as his queen. After centuries of institutionalised interbreeding, there’s a very good chance that the next generation of royals will essentially be a legally braindead, more-gruesome version of Sloth from The Goonies.

So, rather than continue scraping the bottom of the gene pool, it absolutely makes sense that Prince William should try to get Paris Hilton pregnant. He’s effectively found the only person on the planet with genes more simpleminded and deficient than his own. Genius.

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We’re just throwing that out there in case the Drudge Report, E! Online or the National Enquirer want to run with it as a headline. Not interested? Perhaps they would be if they knew we used two different jelly flavours – one of them mint. Also we unconventionally spread it on there with the back of a spoon.

Still nobody interested? Its free you know – we don’t want a cut or anything. Just take the story. You could use the headline hecklerspray double jellies its morning toast with spoon from filthy sink pile.

That’d be far more interesting than the story most of them are running about the Paris Hilton/Benji Madden break-up. C’mon you websites – think of the increased internet traffic!

Good news for anybody who’s longed to date either a helium-filled heiress or a semi-famous guitarist who looks like he sweats a lot. Paris Hilton and Benji Madden have split. Our sources tell us its because Paris finally realised why her boyfriend’s lips were covered in fur the night ‘coyotes’ ate her dogs a few months back.

Our source also tells us the two have already moved on. Benji is dating a young woman in line to inherit several Red Roof Inns, and Paris is in a very real relationship with a Burger King grease trap. That second one even comes with baby rumours.

Us Magazine has a slightly different account of things:

“Paris Hilton and Benji Madden called it quits Tuesday after nine months of dating, a rep for Hilton confirms exclusively to Usmagazine.com. “Even though they are still in love, they felt it would be better to just be friends,” a source close to Hilton, 27, tells Us. The reason for the split? “Benji was overprotective and controlling. He doesn’t get along with any of her friends,” the source tells Us. “Friends thought Paris had changed since being with Benji and she wants to be herself again.”"

That plus Paris had always thought she was dating the bassist from Green Day. When she learned the truth she was done with the lie. Probably.

With her new-found spare time we bet ol’ PH will start working more on her coyote home-defence system. What seems to keep the beasts the most at bay so far is songs about best friends, and the projected image of all five The Simple Life seasons filling the entire south wall of her mansion.

As for Benji, who is best known for being named after a dog from the seventies, well we don’t know what he’ll do. Just please nobody let him console himself with a guitar. No need to bring down everybody, fella.

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This is because the Joe Jonas/ Taylor Swift/ Camilla Belle triangle of pointlessness echoes the Jolie/ Pitt/ Aniston saga fairly closely. Admittedly this theory doesn’t hold up to scrutiny that well, because if Camilla Belle is Angelina Jolie then that makes her new boyfriend Joe Jonas Brad Pitt, and we all know that Joe Jonas looks too much like an anime lesbian for that to work.

However, Taylor Swift is definitely Jennifer Aniston in all of this, because she’s been gripped by a compulsion to publicly discuss her split from Joe Jonas as much as humanly possible. You see, Taylor Swift says that Camilla Belle stole Joe Jonas from her, and that he’d been cheating on her for months. Is it true? If we find one person who even slightly cares we swear we’ll tear off both our kneecaps.

Yesterday’s news that Joe Jonas has found love with Camilla Belle from 10,000 BC sounded sweet enough at first. After all, Joe and Camilla are both young, both pretty, both morally strict and both in possession of vast, light-absorbing eyebrows that make them look like they’ve been partially tarred and feathered by an angry mob of medieval beauty therapists.

Yes, Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle are perfect for each other. Well, we assume they are, anyway. We’re not actually going to pretend we’ve heard of either of them. But, as perfect as Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle seem together, there’s a dark force hiding in the shadows threatening to rise up and destroy them. Worse still, it’s a force that sings country music. It’s Taylor Swift.

There was a time when Taylor Swift and Joe Jonas were happy together. Happy, but completely secret in case the fact that Joe Jonas had a girlfriend ruined his pure virginal public image. But then tragedy struck – Joe Jonas dumped Taylor Swift in a 25-second telephone call, and Taylor Swift got mad. She spoke of the split in interviews, she made a little puppet show about the split on MySpace, she even wrote sad country songs about the split and she even felt the need to comment about a possible pregnancy after the split. And now we know why she’s so angry.

Taylor Swift has claimed that Joe Jonas was cheating on her with Camilla Belle for ages before they were publicly linked. And you know what that means – more rabid screeching about the Jonas Brothers. OK! reports:

“They’ve been together for months,” Taylor tells OK!. “That’s why we broke up.” Swift says her best advice for getting over a heartbreak is to “write songs about it.” When OK! asked if she and Joe are still friends, Taylor curtly replied, “We don’t talk.”

You don’t have to be a mathematician to see where Taylor Swift is coming from here – if Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have been together for months, and Joe Jonas only split up with Taylor Swift a month ago, then the only obvious conclusion is nobody cares nobody cares oh christ nobody cares.

Despite this, though, these endless romantic tweeny machinations can only have a positive ending for all involved. Taylor Swift will end up writing 400 albums about the time a girly-looking teenage boy broke her heart, and Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle can spend the rest of their lives gazing adoringly into each other’s eyebrows. It’s perfect.

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It hasn’t, of course – which is why we’ve still got the horn for Fidel Castro – but it did come close. For the life of us, we couldn’t work out why the pretty young topless model Playmate Holly Madison split up with a wrinkled old almost-dead pensioner like Hugh Hefner.

And now we know. Speaking about the split, Holly Madison has said that she ended things with Hugh Hefner because he was so ‘high maintenance’. And, coming from a woman who looks like she needs six hours each morning to paint herself exactly the right shade of orange transvestite, that must be really saying something.

It’s never hard to split up with someone. Finding the right words can be a struggle. “It’s not you, it’s me” would be perfect if it wasn’t such a cliche. Or there’s “I just need some me time,” except that tends to make you look like the planet’s biggest twat.

There is always “You’re just too high maintenance for me,” though, which is perfect – an equal mix between vague and scathing. Call someone high maintenance and, while they’re busy picking apart their personalities, you can skip away without revealing that you’ve actually been having it off with the girl from your badminton club.

The genius of the high maintenance accusation is paying dividends for Holly Madison. Although she found fame as Hugh Hefner’s number one girlfriend for over a year, Holly Madison recently dumped Hefner and left him heartbroken. Why? That’s right – because Hugh Hefner is apparently high maintenance, as the New York Daily News reports:

Hugh Hefner’s former No. 1 girlfriend is excited about her future dating prospects – just as long as they’re not like her famous ex. “It might be refreshing to date someone who is not high maintenance,” Holly Madison told “Extra” in an interview set to air on Wednesday. “Sorry, Hef … I love you, but you know you’re high maintenance.”

But what does Holly Madison actually mean when she says that Hugh Hefner is high maintenance? We’ve rattled Holly’s statement through the Hecklerspray Truth Computer, and here are the options it threw up:

1 - Holly Madison would like a boyfriend who doesn’t need to have his food cut up into little chunks before he can eat it and, ideally, is able to wipe his own bottom.

2 - Holly Madison would like a boyfriend who is able to get an erection without pharmaceutical assistance, three hours of manual coercing, a winch and the song We’ll Meet Again by Vera Lynn played on a loop.

3 - Holly Madison would like an elderly millionaire boyfriend who’s at least willing to pretend that he knows why she’s with him and is prepared to write her into his will accordingly.

But regardless of the reason behind the split, we hope that all this new freedom has made Holly Madison happy, and that she’ll soon be able to settle down with someone less high maintenance. Someone like her current squeeze Criss Angel, even though he looks like exactly the sort of man who’d get into a fistfight with you if you used his hair straighteners without permission.

Why? Because it’s been announced that sex addict David Duchovny and his wife Tea Leoni have separated, and have been separated for months. Phew! Now, when David Duchovny has you pushed into a corner with a hand down his knickers and a tongue that he’s trying to ram all the way inside your ear, you won’t have to think “Wait a minute, aren’t you married to the woman from Jurassic Park 3? What will she make of all this?”

This separation is obviously the best thing for all involved – David Duchovny gets to lead the free and easy single life that he craves, Tea Leoni won’t have to worry that her husband has strayed and their children will no longer fear stumbling across their father masturbating frantically to a coffee stain shaped a bit like a bra. Everyone’s a winner.

Women don’t appreciate anything, do they? Buy them underwear and they’ll tell you that crotchless PVC is actually quite uncomfortable. Buy them flowers and they’ll accuse you of knowing that they have a deadly pollen allergy. Go to sex addiction rehab to stop your uncontrollable feelings of arousal and they’ll leave you.

The latter is the exact scenario that David Duchovny finds himself in today. Either because he does nothing but wank all day or because he occasionally has extramarital sex, David Duchovny last month checked himself into sex addiction rehab to try and save his marriage. Did it work?

No. No it didn’t. Realising that even a cured sex addict is probably only one bumpy bus journey away from a disgusting globby relapse, Tea Leoni has done the sensible thing and ditched David Duchovny. A joint statement from the couple reads:

“In light of continuous speculation over the lives and marriage of Tea Leoni and David Duchovny, the couple has confirmed that they have in fact been separated for several months. The couple had hoped to keep this separation private for the sake of their children.”

Several months? At least now we know why David Duchovny might have gone to sex addiction rehab in the first place – we’re presuming that it was either as a last-ditch effort to win his estranged wife back, or it was because he was single and he realised that the best place to find a string of sexual partners with suitably low self-esteem was at a live-in sex addiction treatment clinic.

Either way, we maintain that this split is the best solution for everyone. David Duchovny can now act upon the raging mid-life crisis that he’s obviously in the throes of, and Tea Leoni can go and find a new man who’ll never put her through the same trauma. So a eunuch or something. We don’t really know how this works.

By the way, we should probably just clear one thing up. Given that David Duchovny went to sex addiction rehab at roughly the same time that his marriage imploded, you’d be forgiven for thinking that his sex addiction was the cause for the break-up of his marriage to Tea Leoni. It wasn’t.

Instead Tea Leoni left him because she thought The X-Files: I Want To Believe was crap. Well, you would too, wouldn’t you.

Apparently Hugh Hefner has been dumped his number one girlfriend Holly Madison – a woman 54 years younger than him who looks like she was reared in a battery-farm for titty bimbos – and all because Hugh refused to marry her.

Touchingly, Hugh Hefner seems quite sad about the split. There’s no need for him to be – after all, he shouldn’t forget the old saying ‘there are plenty more opportunistic young women who’ve mutilated their bodies for the sake of beauty that are willing to fellate a very old man even though it clearly disgusts them on the off-chance that he’ll write them into his will and make them rich when he dies’. Um, ‘in the sea’.

Hugh Hefner has lived the male dream to the letter. Boys, at one point or another, haven’t we all wished that we could grow old trapped in a gaudy shrine to our own sleaziness surrounded by women who are effectively paid to have a fleeting superficial interest in us in a way that keeps highlighting our chronic inability to form genuine emotional bonds with people? Well, haven’t we?

Of course we have. Hugh Hefner is a lucky man.

Lucky, but sad. Although last year Hugh Hefner vowed to settle down with his girlfriend Holly Madison, it looks like that relationship has hit the skids. Apparently Holly Madison left Hugh Hefner because he refused to marry her and she was insulted by his lack of commitment, not the way that she wouldn’t automatically get half of his stuff as soon as he dies in the next couple of years.

And although Hugh Hefner has made his career by playing Mr Free And Easy, it seems like he’s actually really quite glum about being dumped by an utterly indistinguishable sexbot young enough to be his granddaughter. AP reports:

“If Holly says it’s over, I guess it’s over… She’s still here in the house. Until a few days ago, we were still sharing the same bed… There’s been moments that I’ve been down in the dumps about all this, and (personal assistant) Mary (O’Connor) told me to cheer up and pointed out that there are girls lined up outside the front gate. At my age, that’s hard to believe, but it seems to be true.”

That’s the spirit, Hugh! Up and at ‘em again! Holly Madison may have broken your heart, but there are 50 other girls who look exactly like her, talk exactly like her and give off that exact same creepy golddigger vibe as her, and they’re all desperate to ride your brittle, increasingly gaunt skeleton until one of you dislocates something.

So pick yourself up, Hugh Hefner, down a couple of handfuls of viagra and get right back in the saddle again. You mustn’t die of a broken heart!

At least not while you’re so close to getting Miley Cyrus to show you her boobs, anyway.

So, obviously, it would be a good time for Anne Hathaway to maintain her silence over her suspiciously-timed split with Follieri. After all, when you split up with a man six hours before the FBI arrest him, you’d probably want the fuss to die down a little before you went shooting your mouth off about it.

Which is why we’ve got absolutely nothing to report from Anne Hathaway toda… what? Today just happens to be the exact day that Anne Hathaway’s decided to go public with her version of events? Right before Rafaello Follieri probably hears that he’s going to jail for several years? And she’s decided to do it by using a complex system of rug-positioning metaphors that don’t really make much sense? Do go on.

Rafaello Follieri’s had quite the turnaround in recent months. Not so long ago he was living the high life, trotting around the world, chatting idly with world leaders, with one of the world’s most beautiful – if alarmingly big-faced – actresses as his girlfriend.

Now, though, Rafaello Follieri has none of that. Today he’s expected to plead guilty to all the wire fraud conspiracy charges he was arrested for, which means that pretty soon he’ll be trotting round a cell, shitting idly into a bucket, with one of the jail’s burliest – if alarmingly tattooed and violent – prisoners as his girlfriend.

According to some reports, Rafaello Follieri can expect a jail sentence of anywhere between 51 and 63 months in jail as a result of his alleged crimes – but we suspect that’ll be the least of his worries now that his ex-girlfriend Anne Hathaway has started running around blurting out secrets about their split.

That’s not exactly a surprise given that reports have suggested Anne Hathaway may have been tipped off about the arrest beforehand, allowing her to quickly chuck Rafaello Follieri by phone, wash her hands of it all and walk out unscathed. But to do it now, on Follieri’s big day in court, just seems berserk.

Nevertheless, that’s what she’s done, to W magazine. So Anne Hathaway, we’re ready. Discuss your split from Rafaello Follieri, and if you could possibly use as many physically impossible conceits about decorative floor coverings, that’d be great too:

“As soon as I found out about the arrest, I had to get on a plane to Mexico to do a press tour for ‘Get Smart,’ And then I spent a week in shock at a friend’s house. It’s a situation where the rug was pulled out from under me all of a sudden. But just as suddenly, my friends threw another rug back under me. One said, ‘Go stay at my house.’”

Yeah, that’s all very well and everything Anne Hathaway, but have you ever tried to throw a rug under someone? It’s bloody impossible. Their feet keep getting in the way. Sure, it’s easier if you simultaneously jump as they’re throwing the rug, but then it wouldn’t be as sudden and unexpected as you’re making out, would it? Maybe if it was a very thin rug and you were standing on a virtually frictionless surface and they used enough force…

Wait a minute here. We see what you’re doing Anne Hathaway – you’re lobbing all these mentions of rug aerobics around to distract us from the real issue here, aren’t you? You’re hoping that we’ll end up so busy trying to draw theoretical diagrams of how your friend managed to throw a rug underneath you that we’ll forget to ask you about exactly how much you knew about Rafaello Follieri’s shenanigans before his arrest, aren’t you? Well congratulations Anne Hathaway. Your plan worked.

Also, we’re not really that arsed one way or the other. That probably helped as well, to be fair.

Yes, that solitary fact is both good news and great news. Read it again. Michael Bolton is single. Michael. Bolton. Is. Single. Michael Bolton is single! We’ll have to make this brief because we want to spray our nads with Old Spice and form an orderly queue outside Michael Bolton’s house with the rest of the hormone-ravaged ladies. Everyone wins!

OK, maybe it isn’t particularly good news for Desperate Housewives star Nicollette Sheridan, because Michael Bolton only became single after breaking off his engagement to her and she’s probably wallowing around up to her knockers in self-pity as a result. But then it’s probably her fault for having a difficult-to-spell first name, the big cow.

Nicollette Sheridan has always been our least favourite Desperate Housewife and, yes, that is mainly to do with how she spells her name. Look Nicollette, double up all of the letters in your christian name or none at all. It’s either Nicolete or Nniiccoolleettee. Make your mind up and stop wasting our time. Grr.

But also our irrational dislike of Nicollette Sheridan is down to how bloody smug she looks. You can imagine her swanning around the Desperate Housewives set in the knowledge that everyone’s seen Marcia’s tits and Teri’s got shards of glass in her eye and Eva’s husband is crap at sex and the other one’s married to a man who looks like a water vole, all while she’s engaged to Michael Bolton.

Yes, the Michael Bolton – giant-haired performer of hits like How Can We Be Lovers If We Can’t Be Friends and Can I Touch You… There. No wonder Nicollette Sheridan was the envy of the world, or at least the part of the world who hadn’t just assumed that Michael Bolton was dead or incapacitated somehow.

Nicollette and Michael have enjoyed an on again off again relationship, getting together in the 1990s before splitting up and then getting back together and becoming engaged in 2006. But now it’s over, it’s definitely over forever and that’s that.

That’s literally that – there aren’t any juicy inside details or anything, Michael Bolton and Nicollette Sheridan were engaged and now they’re not – so here’s BBC News with some inane non-news anyway:

The 44-year-old actress, who plays Edie Britt in Desperate Housewives, was born in Worthing, West Sussex. Bolton, 55, has sold more than 50 million records.

So what now for Nicollette Sheridan and Michael Bolton? Well, chances are Nicollette will plunge herself into work and keep making more episodes of Desperate Housewives until every person on Earth has completely forgotten that it even exists and Michael Bolton will probably just go off and honk into his saxophone like some sort of rubbish wanker.

No wait. That’s Curtis Stigers isn’t it? Pfff.

Yes, it would seem that the relationship that had been hyped as ‘the love of the century’ – we may be making that one up – has gone the way of the perennially single Dodo, as Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have reportedly broken up.

Try to fight back the tears, we’re sure Jennifer is managing to. Especially seeing as she’s now getting her thang on with some kind of model man from Britney Spears‘ Toxic video.

At least that’s more interesting than a nobody in a band, who seems to automatically screw any celebrity woman inhabiting a three-mile radius of his penis. We mean like John Mayer, if you weren’t paying attention.

But what was it that pushed the couple that we expected to marry within about four seconds over the edge? Was it a fist fight? A brutal assault? Endless verbal sparring that created as much sexual tension as it did pure, unadulterated rage? Well, no, not really. He couldn’t commit to her.

Of all the ruddy rubbish reasons women get fed…

But not only is that something that people have picked up on or overheard, it’s actually been put out there by one of our favourite things – a ’source’ – who made these claims:

“John took the decision to end things as he felt he just wasn’t ready for the level of commitment that Jennifer deserved.

“Contrary to reports, Jennifer didn’t want to have kids or marry this year, but she did want to set a timetable for their future together. She also wanted him to assure her he would cut down his tours in the future when they did eventually have children.”

It’s probably not the kind of thing you really want ‘out there’ in medialand now, is it? The fact that on one side you have a man incapable of settling down and on the other you have what very well seems to be a mental bint, hell bent on carefully planning the rest of your life for you before you’re even past 30 – well, it doesn’t help the image of either party, frankly.

Though let’s be honest, it makes Rachel come off worse, so we’re guessing the source was probably Mayer’s mum. On the other hand, maybe with Aniston’s succession of very public failed romances, it may well be true? She could well be something of a psycho harpy, for all we know.

We’ll have to see how the model man reacts – maybe she’ll demand he has to stop being attractive within a six month timeframe, just to keep the POA on schedule and to make sure he’s home to impregnate her on command.

All the while John Mayer is sure to be spreading his dull, uninspiring seed around whichever backwater towns he feels the need to tour in – but hey, at least he’ll be happy that he isn’t under the cosh any more, and at least a few more people actually know who he is since his relationship with Jennifer Aniston.

And as a result they know exactly why they should ignore the dull waste of skin.

You ARE? Well what are you waiting around here for? You’re exactly Lance Armstrong’s cup of tea. And he’s single too, now, so form an orderly queue and before long you – yes you! – could be feeling Lance’s solitary testicle smacking repeatedly against your inner thigh during one of several sordid bunk-ups!

Lance Armstrong is single, by the way, because he’s split up with Kate Hudson. They were going out. They were. What do you mean you didn’t know? Don’t you understand how important any of this is? Cuh.

Celebrity interbreeding isn’t an especially common occurence, but there’s one tightly-knit little group of pan-directional celebrity shagging that’s impossible to untangle. It’s best to just describe it to you.

There’s Sheryl Crow. Sheryl used to be romantically linked with Owen Wilson, then they split up and she got together with Lance Armstrong before Lance Armstrong broke her heart and gave her cancer or something. Meanwhile Owen Wilson got over his split with Sheryl Crowe by getting all kissy kissy with Kate Hudson, who’d recently divorced rocker Chris Robinson. Then Kate Hudson left Owen and Owen tried to kill himself so they got back together and then she left him for Lance Armstrong, who’d previously been shagging an Olsen twin.

Are you keeping up? Good, because Matthew McConaughey – Kate Hudson’s regular co-star and Lance Armstrong’s nonsexual best friend – is also involved in this mess somewhere. We think he just stood on the sidelines and played the bongos.

Got all that locked down? Good. Now forget it all, because Kate Husdon and Lance Armstrong have split up. Access Hollywood reports:

Just three months after Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong began dating, they have split. The actress and cyclist ended their short-lived relationship over the weekend. “There was no drama or ugliness – They just decided to end things,” a source close to the couple told the mag. “There is no hatred, just sadness.”

It is sad, isn’t it? Wait, no. Sadness doesn’t really cover what you’re probably feeling at the moment, does it? You’re probably feeling – oh, what’s the word? – total screaming titting ambivalence. Yes, that’s it.

But now that Lance Armstrong and Kate Hudson have split up, what happens now? We’ve whittled the options down to the following:

1) Kate Hudson gets back with Owen Wilson,

2) Lance Armstrong gets back with Sheryl Crow,

3) Kate Hudson gets together with Sheryl Crow while Lance Armstrong and Owen Wilson watch,

4) Matthew McConaghey plays the bongos to cheer everyone up, so everyone stays for a little while just to be polite but then they badmouth him bitterly behind his back as soon as they leave.

Or, of course, what could happen is somehow – between Lance Armstrong, Kate Hudson, Sheryl Crow, the Olsen woman, Owen Wilson and Matthew McConaughey – one of them manages to break free of their weird little incestuous social gnarl and meet someone who hasn’t shagged every single other person they know.

Maybe that’s too much to ask. Babysteps, hecklerspray, babysteps.

Which is why Shania Twain is hurting so bad at the moment, because her 14-year marriage to Mutt Lange ended when he apparently started having it off with a woman who, to all intents and purposes, looks like a fire-damaged Sandra Bernhard bobblehead doll.

But if anyone can keep Shania Twain’s spirits up it’s her fans, all of whom Shania has sincerely thanked from the bottom of her heart in a message on her website. Don’t get too excited, though, because Shania Twain makes it perfectly that her heart has been broken into tiny pieces. So she’s thanking you from the bottom of something that doesn’t even work properly. What a massive bitch.

Regular readers of hecklerspray will know that sympathy isn’t exactly our strong point, but gosh darn it if we aren’t feeling a crumb of sympathy for Shania Twain at the moment. Or is it wind? Wait… OK, false alarm, it was wind. Panic over.

But it’s not hard to feel a teensy bit sorry for Shania Twain. The poor woman’s spent 14 years putting up with people pulling her to one side and saying “Is that your husband? The really old, weird-looking unkempt tramp over there whose name means ‘inferior dog’? Is he holding you hostage? Would you like me to contact the authorities?” and now the bastard’s dumped her.

Not just that, but it looks very much like Mutt Lange left Shania Twain for their house manager, a woman named Marie-Anne Thiébaud who looks a bit like a tubby Terrahawk. And for the woman who once performed a song called That Don’t Impress Me Much – full title That Don’t Impress Me Much For I Am Married To Mutt Lange, A Virile Lion Of A Man Who, Admittedly, Does Look A Bit Funny – that can only equal heartache.

How much heartache? Well, luckily for us Shania Twain has described exactly how much her life is crumbling around her in harrowing detail via a message on her website. Which is nice, because if there’s one thing we hate it’s nonspecific celebrity misery. Here’s what Shania had to say:

As I am sure you have seen or heard; I am going through a rough time personally in my life. I wanted you all to know that I could not be getting through this without you. Your letters, emails and words of encouragement give me strength. Your overwhelming support reminds me to smile, no matter how deep the pain and to always be grateful for all the beautiful blessings in my life. I have so much to say but I know the best way for me to speak is through my music. This is my therapy, my passion, and my love.  I look forward to sharing it with all of you as I begin this new journey. I need some time to heal this broken heart but make no mistake; I will be back and hopefully stronger than ever. Thank you my friends, from the bottom of my heart.

Hey Shania, here’s a hint – referring to a bunch of people you’ve never met as your ‘friends’ is weird and creepy and stinks of desperation. What next, Shania, are you going to make them all your Facebook friends as well? Are you going to let them poke you? Everyone knows that having strangers as Facebook friends is the last resort for the terminally lonely. OK, bad example.

Anyway, if the whole ‘probably cheating on Shania Twain with a much uglier woman’ thing hasn’t put you off Mutt Lange for good, then have another read of Shania’s message. That’s right – she’s getting back into music because of his deception. Oh you’ll pay for this Lange. You’ll pay good.