Well now Boy George has more in common with them than ever. Because he too has been jailed for a crime that… oh no, wait, Boy George did chain that Norwegian prostitute up and threaten to kill him, didn’t he? In that case, ignore everything we just said.

Boy George has been sentenced to 15 month in jail for falsely imprisoning a manwhore. Logic states that he’ll be out in seven for good behaviour, but reality states that he probably won’t because he’s a dickhead.

When Boy George wrote Do You Really Want To Hurt Me, there’s a fairly solid chance that he wasn’t picturing a scenario in which a tattooed serial arsonist has got him pinned to the inside of a prison cell by his throat and is waving a rudimentary stabbing device close to his eye because of his reputation as a homosexual.

Which is ironic, really, since that’s probably how Boy George is going to be spending the next 15 months of his life. You see, Boy George has just been sentenced to 15 months in jail for the crime of a male Norwegian prostitute to a wall against his will and loudly threatened to kill him that he was found guilty of last month. The Guardian reports:

Boy George was today sentenced to 15 months in jail for falsely imprisoning a male escort by handcuffing him to a wall and beating him with a metal chain. Passing sentence at Snaresbrook crown court, east London, Judge David Radford said the singer’s offence was “so serious that only an immediate sentence of imprisonment can be justified”.

Of course, at the time Boy George believed that he was well within his rights to chain a Norwegian manwhore to his wall, threaten to kill and then beat him with a chain when he tried to escape, because he honestly believed that the prostitute looked at his computer funny or something – an accusation that we also thought could be punishable by chaining and beating and death threats. Goes to show what we know, huh?

As the judge pointed out in his sentencing, this jail term will come at a considerable cost to Boy George. There’s a very strong chance he’ll never be able to perform in America or Japan again now, which is a double shame, because American and Japanese male prostitutes are renowned for their tenacity and endurance when it comes to being chained to a wall by former popstars who now closely resemble extraordinarily dour potatoes.

Since he was immediately sent to prison, Boy George didn’t get to pass comment on his sentence today, but last month he did say the following to gig-goers at a show in London:

“I like to think you can say a lot by saying nothing. I’ll just say this: none of us are defined by our mistakes.”

Which is dignified and poetic and everything but, if you can say a lot by saying nothing, you can probably say even more by screaming “Fucking whore! Now you’re going to get what you deserve!” into the face of a naked, petrified Scandinavian who you’ve chained to your wall against his will. And that’s what’s important.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

The only person who’ll eat ‘em is that one crazy uncle that lost most of his tongue to a series of mouth cancers. If your experience is anything like ours, that’s one uncle you don’t want to invite over too much. He tries to float the conversation when really there’s only one thing we want to talk about – the portion of jagged lip that sticks out from under his moustache.

Back to marriage though – good ones, even in Hollywood, take work. And that work occasionally involves bopping other men while you’re husband is wasting away deep inside a prison. Say, that sounds just like Amy Winehouse’s marriage – at least according to the man who’s moving to divorce her.

If Amy Winehouse’s future song titles continue to be as ironic as her Rehab tune, then its a safe bet her next album will contain titles like Hey, I think I just smelled myself, I’m thinking about firing the literal squirrels that generally style my hair, and Blake & I are still over the moon.

If her songs take a more realistic turn then we’ll just hear her sing all about how Blake Fielder-Civil is moving forward with a divorce filing. Because he is, apparently. And just as well too – once his marriage is broken and shattered he’d be free to love his six-foot tall white-collar crime cell mate in a much more guilt free manner. Even in jail cheating is seriously frowned upon, you know.

Well that’s what we heard – but the Blake/Amy divorce actually has nothing to do with Blake cuddling the man that bought him for two pieces of bacon and a lit cigarette. How could it? That never happened! No – the divorce Blake is currently craving has much more to do with his wife bumpin’ uglies with a series of surprisingly lice-less men. Or maybe just one man. We haven’t ever counted.

But as the Associated Press puts it:

“A lawyer for Amy Winehouse’s jailed husband said Monday his client will be seeking a divorce on the grounds of the soul diva’s alleged infidelity. Attorney Henri Brandman said he had been instructed by Blake Fielder-Civil “to commence divorce proceedings on the grounds of Amy’s adultery.”"

Now don’t you fret if you feel personally invested in the Fielder-Civil/Winehouse marriage – just because Blake told his lawyer to get things started doesn’t mean the divorce will ever actually be properly pushed forward. After all – Blake is currently in jail.

Just you think about that for a minute.

If you’re still crying about the whole thing, might we suggest you go back to a happier time. Try this last Christmas, for instance, when you came downstairs and found Winehouse’s boobies in your stocking or something.

Yes, yes we seem to remember reading that headline.

Perhaps it was worded differently.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

On Friday OJ Simpson was sentenced to anything between nine and 33 years in jail for his part in last year’s bewildering hotel room armed robbery. If he serves the full term, we’re looking forward to reading the book that 94-year-old OJ Simpson will publish on his release, tentatively titled If I Did It, Wait, What’s My Name Again? Who Are You? Are These My Trousers? They Smell Funny.

That’s unless OJ Simpson’s appeal is successful. Oh, didn’t we mention that part?

We’ve got the right hump with Nevada at the moment, we don’t mind telling you. Why? Because it’s spoiled our fun, that’s why.

For years OJ Simpson has been livening up our gloomiest moments with his inimitable presence, either by getting thrown out of restaurants by men who think he’s a murderer, writing books so galactically ill-advised that they barely seem conceivable or losing his possessions to a family who seem convinced that a dodgy knock-off Rolex will somehow ease their grief.

But that won’t be happening any more. On Friday, during his sentencing for the armed robbery that he was arrested for last year, OJ Simpson discovered that he’d be spending anywhere between nine and 33 years in the slammer. That means that, if he’s fortunate, OJ Simpson will be released from jail in time to see work begin on an actual elevator to space and, if he’s less lucky, OJ Simpson will be released from jail in time to see the last remaining polar bear drown as the arctic icecap melts away to nothing.

The truth is that OJ Simpson will probably end up serving a jail sentence somewhere between those two dates. But he shouldn’t get down, because it still gives him plenty of time to a) cover himself in several quickly-infected self-drawn tattoos, b) befriend a long succession of rats and birds, getting driven further into the realms of disturbing insanity each time one of them dies and c) be violently bummed so often that his rectum will prolapse and hang out of his bumhole like a smelly tail or the queen’s egg sac from the Aliens or something.

Or maybe it won’t because, somewhat inevitably, OJ Simpson has decided to question his sentence with what seems like a fairly frivolous appeal. AP reports:

“This is not a frivolous appeal,” Yale Galanter, Simpson’s lawyer, said. “There were some grave errors made by Judge (Jackie) Glass, and we think they are strong enough to overturn the conviction. We also think we have a shot at bail.” Galanter has cited six initial issues for appeal. The most significant concern could be the exclusion of blacks from the jury selection.

Oh, don’t pretend that you didn’t see this coming – the court was asking for trouble when it filled the jury with nothing but angry white people. But whether or not it’s enough to warrant a retrial remains to be seen.

But if it does, the court will need to get a wriggle on – given the sheer amount of fake heart attacks that characterised his trial, the court runs the risk of losing several important witnesses to anything from fake cardiac arrests to fake spontaneous human combustion, and nobody wants that.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Obviously that won’t happen – OJ Simpson’s favourite things include writing books about murdering people he used to be married to, robbing strangers at gunpoint and making bewildering hidden-camera DVDs, and they all take ages – but it’s his last chance.

Later today, OJ Simpson will be sentenced to anywhere between six years and life for masterminding his calamitous hotel room armed robbery last year. OJ’s lawyers are pleading for leniency – after all, it’s not like he killed his wife or anything, is it?

It’s time to say goodbye to the OJ Simpson we know and love – you know, the one who was held legally responsible for the murder of his ex-wife, and then wrote a book about stabbing her to death – because he’s not going to be around for a while.

Later today OJ Simpson will be swapping a life of leisure, wide open spaces and nobody really making eye contact with him because they think he probably murdered his wife for a new life; a life of mailbag-stitching, claustrophobic spaces and sharing a tiny room with a mentally-challenged seven-foot arsonist who can’t make up his mind whether he wants to stab OJ Simpson with a razorblade attached to a partially-melted toothbrush or habitually sex him up the bum against his will.

Ever since OJ Simpson was found guilty of 12 counts of armed robbery and kidnapping two months ago, following his hopelessly botched attempt to retrieve some memorabilia from a hotel room, this day was always going to be an inevitability.

Today at noon, Las Vegas time, OJ Simpson will be given his jail sentence. The length of his sentence is still a mystery, but observers are currently pitching their guesses between the ’six-year’ and the ‘until mankind is removed from the planet by a race of superintelligent deathbots’ marks. AP reports:

Simpson attorney Yale Galanter has said his client won’t address the court. Stewart will, said his lawyer, Brent Bryson. “Best-case scenario we’re hoping for is six years. That’s the bottom-end number before being eligible for parole,” Bryson said… Judge Glass, known for giving severe sentences, can ignore or accept a recommendation from the state parole agency calling for at least 18 years.

It doesn’t look good for OJ Simpson, we have to say – given the severity and sheer number of charges he’s been found guilty of, coupled with what some see as a lingering unspoken resentment over his previous murder acquittal, he should probably start preparing for the worst.

OK, not the worst, exactly – the worst would be if he avoided jail and immediately set about making a follow-up to his hidden-camera prank show DVD Juiced – but the second-worst, at least.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

We’re being serious. It doesn’t go down well at all. Boy George, king of the bald, fat, previously androgynous 1980s homosexual popstars, has been found guilty of handcuffing a Norwegian male prostitute to a wall, beating him with a chain and threatening to kill him, and now he’s probably going to jail for it.

It just goes to show – never copy Boy George. It was true when you decided to decided to grow those nasty white-boy dreadlocks and it’s true now.

Poor Boy George, he’s such a victim of circumstance. After all, who can honestly say, hand on heart, that they haven’t ever hired a Scandinavian male prostitute with the intention of making a number of pornographic photos together? We certainly have. We’ve done that very thing three times already today, and we’re going to use the resulting images on our Christmas cards.

So when Boy George decided that he wanted to make a load of gay porno pictures with Norwegian prostitute Audun Carlsen last year, nobody batted an eyelid. But the thing is with male prostitutes from Norway is that they’re notoriously unpredictable – something which Boy George understood and dealt with by handcuffing Carlsen to a wall. And beating him with a chain. And threatening to kill him, just in case all the stuff with the handcuffs and chain-beating didn’t really get the message across well enough.

Notice we didn’t use the word allegedly once there? That’s because it’s all true – our Christmas cards really are going to feature disturbing scenes of homosexual bondage and, after admitting that he used handcuffs to restrain him, Boy George really has just been found guilty of manwhore-chaining. People reports:

Boy George has been convicted of falsely imprisoning a male escort. The singer looked grim as the verdict was delivered. The singer was released on bail until his Jan. 16 sentencing. Judge David Radford warned Boy George that he was likely to face jail time. “The fact that your bail is being continued does not imply that this will be dealt with by a non-custodial sentence. I don’t want any false expectations created.”

No wonder Boy George is looking a possible prison sentence. Jailing Boy George seems like the only sensible option, and not just because everyone knows that if you give Boy George community service, he’ll just run around hitting people with a broom and squealing.

No, we should think of poor Audun Carlsen here – he’s the real victim of Boy George’s crime. Getting chained up and beaten against your will is bad enough at the best of times, but knowing that you could be kept there forever or – worse – have to listen to any of Boy George’s solo albums is almost the dictionary definition of inhumane.

And think of his career prospects – by getting Boy George convicted of a false imprisonment charge, Audun Carlsen probably won’t be able to get any male prostitution work now. The poor boy will probably be reduced to… wait, what’s something that you can be reduced to when your last job involved being paid paltry sums of money to get bummed by chubby hasbeen singers? Is there even anything? No?

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

And get this – he’s not enjoying it. Apparently the prison service didn’t get Raffaello Follieri’s memo about the goose-feather pillows, double-quilted toilet roll or how he wanted a cell with a veranda overlooking the lake and, well, he’s thrown a bit of a strop about it.

According to reports, Raffaello Follieri has already requested to move jails because the one he’s in is unsanitary and he’s got blood in his urine. We don’t know exactly how Raffaello got blood in his urine, but since he’s sharing a windowless dormitory with 120 criminals and he looks exactly like the gruesome lovechild of Piers Morgan and Zach Braff, we’d probably guess that he’s been beaten up a bit.

Fate’s a bugger, isn’t it? One minute you’re living the high life, mixing with world leaders and filmstars on expensive yachts and then going home to have it away with one of the world’s most beautiful women, and the next you’re trapped in an airless room the size of a shoebox with dozens of angry criminals all sharing the same rat-infested shower room.

That’s the fate that Anne Hathaway’s ex-boyfriend and Vatican-based property scammer extraordinaire Raffaello Follieri has found himself in. Since he was arrested for conning rafts of gullible strangers out of millions of dollars back in June, Raffaello Follieri’s life has been plunged into a downwards spiral that’s involved being dumped by Anne Hathaway, being kept in remand because of his unusually high flight risk and, most recently, being sentenced to four and a half years in jail.

And all through this, Raffaello Follieri has taken all the blows like a man. Unfortunately he’s been taking them like an Italian man, which means that he’s done nothing but bitch about it all like a whiny little princess. He’s already said that he only started conning people so that Anne Hathaway would love him, and now he’s moved onto the state of his accommodation.

Raffaello Follieri’s lawyer has requested that her client be moved into a slightly more luxurious facility because the interim dormitory he’s being housed in is so dirty that it’s made him a little bit poorly. E! Online reports:

“He says that he cannot eat because the food appears to be spoiled and that the toilet and shower facilities are unspeakably unsanitary,” attorney Flora Edwards wrote in a letter released Wednesday to Reuters. Follieri is running a fever and has blood in his urine, the letter continued. “There is excrement in the shower and rats are roaming freely in the area. He says the stench is intolerable and his health is deteriorating.”

Spoiled food? Stinking, unsanitary toilets? Shit-covered, rat-infested showers? We don’t know where exactly Raffaello Follieri is being held, but we’ve got a hunch it might be Benidorm.

Anyway, we hope that Raffaello Follieri gets his wish and is moved to a slightly nicer detention centre as quickly as possible. After all, he’s in jail to be punished for a crime he committed, and he’s never going to learn how to regret his actions if he’s too busy squealing that his toilet smells like bums, is he?

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Because Amy Winehouse isn’t going to be ill and close to death and alone any more – she’s going to be ill and close to death with Blake Fielder-Civil, her hat-wearing berk of a husband who was released from jail yesterday, where he’d been since getting arrested for smashing a man’s face in with his feet and then lying about it.

But don’t expect a happy reunion between Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil just yet – after leaving prison, Blake went directly to rehab alone, where he’ll either be treated for substance abuse or violent shower-room bumming depending on how well his sentence went.

Hear that noise? Listen, it’s beautiful. It’s the sound of Amy Winehouse not staggering around bellowing “BLAAAAAAAAAYKE!” at the top of her voice every three or four seconds. It’s also the sound of Amy Winehouse not altering every single word of every one her songs so she can hamfistedly cram in as many goonish references to her jailed husband as possible. Like we said, it’s beautiful.

Ever since Blake Fielder-Civil was arrested almost a year ago, he’s been kept in jail. And, as a result, Amy Winehouse’s life has astonishingly managed to get even worse than it was before. She’s been seen staggering around on the streets, she’s started fights with everyone from strangers in pubs to her own audience, she’s developed chronic lung diseases and, worst of all, she’s probably slept with a man who looks like Little Ben from EastEnders. All of which have been soundtracked by a cry of “BLAAAAYKE!” that sounds like a dying elk straining for a poo.

But that ends now, because now Blake Fielder-Civil has been released from jail, meaning that Amy Winehouse can be reunited with him once again. Well, we say ‘reunited’, but that’ll be a bit difficult given that Blake has had to go directly to a court-stipulated rehab stint and Amy is possibly still in a clinic being treated for a chest infection.

However, a little thing like not being able to see his wife isn’t going to stop Blake from being happy about his release, as E! Online reports:

[Amy's] absence did seem to dampen the spirits of her 26-year-old spouse, who began serving time almost a year ago to the day after assaulting a pub owner and then attempting to pay off a witness. He did, however, seem a bit worse for wear. In addition to a massive grin, Fielder-Civil was sporting red scratches on his arms and a chipped front tooth when he exited the Suffolk facility.

Normally we’d suggest that Blake should get himself to a dermatologist and a dentist quicksmart in order to look his best for his emotional reunion with his wife but, given that Amy Winehouse is now a wheezing old woman with sores all over her face, he probably shouldn’t worry about making too much of an effort at the moment.

Instead, the most important thing for Blake Fielder-Civil to do is try to put the last year of his life behind him and focus on the reason he’s in rehab. After all, the world has changed a lot in the last year, and it’ll take time for him to settle back into life on the outside.

Actually, that’s a bit of a lie. The world hasn’t really changed much in the last year. It still thinks he’s a tit, for instance.

But that’s not going to happen. None of the Barenaked Ladies – not the one who looks like Kevin Bacon, not the one who looks like a weather-damaged Backstreet Boy, not even the schlubby fat one who seems to have dipped his chin in dogmuck – are going to jail. And especially not Steven Page, even though it looked like he might for a while.

After being arrested for cocaine possession back in July, Steven Page from Barenaked Ladies has been staring down a jail sentence. Yesterday, though, he avoided that fate – but only if he promises to go to rehab and stay clean for six months. Stupid courts, everyone knows that when you’re letting a Barenaked Lady avoid jail, you’re supposed to slip in a clause banning them from ever making any more bad music ever again. Idiots.

We’ve all got it so wrong. Look at any classic drug movie of the last 30 years – what have they been missing? That’s right, a soundtrack by Barenaked Ladies.

Imagine how much more powerful the final scene of Scarface would be if it was accompanied by the sound of Here Come The Geese, the final track from Barenaked Ladies’ new kid’s album Snacktime! And you can’t deny that the bit in Requiem For A Dream where that heroin addict’s arm gets all withered and diseased would have been about a thousand times better had there been a fat Canadian man in the background wittering on tweely about Chinese chickens. Don’t argue with this, it’s fact.

It’s fact because Barenaked Ladies are possibly the most rebellious drug-splattered rock and roll act of the last century. Or because Steven Page, the Barenaked Ladies singer who most resembled a tearful Hello Kitty-fixated Games Workshop Saturday boy, got arrested for cocaine possession in July. One or the other.

Despite initially trying to fight the charges, Steven Page has since decided to cut a deal with the courts whereby rather than going to jail for five and a half years, he just has to plead guilty to a lesser charge, stop taking drugs for six months and go to rehab instead, as E! Online reports:

“I’m grateful…for this opportunity to further prove myself as a productive and law-abiding member of society,” Page, who pleaded guilty to misdemeanor possession, said in a prepared statement. “I look forward to the next six months as a period of healing and growth.”

Alright, steady on Steven. You’ve avoided a jail sentence, not won a reality show. Besides, if we were you we’d probably not concentrate on the growth part of the growth and healing so much, if you know what we mean. We mean you’re already quite fat.

Still, at least we know that these next six months will be an interesting time for the future of Barenaked Ladies. Because, Jesus, if One Week was their peak of their mind-expanded drug music, we can only guess that their clean-up album will be almost unimaginably shit.

Seriously, buy it. It’s definitely legit. The only funny-accented man to ever defraud strangers with dodgy property deals spuriously linked to the Catholic church – Anne Hathaway’s ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri – has just been thrown in jail for four and a half years.

This is wonderful news for two reasons. Not only is Raffaello Follieri being punished for his crimes, but we all know that nature hates a vacuum. All we need to do is buy a phony bishop outfit, adopt a ludicrous continental European accent and con some idiots out of millions of dollars and we’re almost completely certain that we’ll have Anne Hathaway licking the side of our face by Halloween.

If we were Anne Hathaway – which, honestly, is something we only dream about for like four or five hours a day – then we’d go hell for leather for the next four and a half years. We’d make as many films as possible, do as many talk shows as possible, go to all the parties and get romantically linked with as many British entertainment bloggers as possible, because this is her one shot at success without the shadow of her shady ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri looming behind her.

By pretending to be the Vatican’s chief financial officer and waving around a letter that he said the Pope wrote him, Raffaello Follieri was able to con all sorts of people out of millions of dollars in ill-advised property scams, and now he’s been punished for it.

And punished for it in the worst possible way – for the next four and a half years, Raffaello Follieri is going to be the man who looks most like Zach Braff in the entire US prison system, something which can only logically end up with a string of harrowing angry gang rapes. AP reports:

“I dishonored my family name and embarrassed the church I love. I’ll never be able to wash away that stain, and I will have to live with it the rest of my life,” Raffaello Follieri, 30, said through an Italian interpreter before he was sentenced. “I just hope someday those who have been hurt by my actions can forgive me.”

That’s odd. We assumed that the judge would take pity on Raffaello Follieri’s argument that he only defrauded all those investors so that Anne Hathaway would love him. After all, everybody knows that deep down they’d kick a puppy into a flooded quarry if it meant that Anne Hathaway would even look at them for a second, so defrauding a couple of religious property types hardly seems like that big a deal.

But at least now this means that Anne Hathaway is free of Raffaello Follieri, the man who was starting to become a bit of an albatross around her neck, forever. Even once he’s been released from jail, Follieri is going to be instantly deported back to Italy, so their paths will never have to ever cross ever again.

Well, until Anne Hathaway invariably decides to make Get Smart 4: Mamma Mia, Thassa One Spicy Meatball! in his hometown 2014, at least. We can only pray that the icecaps melt and kill us all long before then.

166 days after he went to prison for crashing his car spectacularly enough to require his friend John Graziano to receive constant medical attention, Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Hogan has been released from jail. And, with soul-destroying inevitability, Nick Hogan is now thought to want a reality TV show about his life on the outside.

It’d be a good show, though, because Nick Hogan is bound to have been though new experiences during his jail sentence and sharing those experiences will be Nick Hogan’s way of giving something back. The only question is the name of the show – there’s already been a Hogan Knows Best and a Brooke Knows Best so… wait! We’ve got it! How about Nick Hogan Remembers Getting Anally Brutalised By An Arsonist? You know, provided that happened.

As all sorts of crappy films are wont to telling us, sometimes life can really change in an instant. And that couldn’t really be more true of Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Hogan.

One day, Nick Hogan was simply the alarmingly square-faced and overprivileged son of a professional wrestler, and then it all changed – the exact moment when Nick crashed his car during an alleged makeshift drag-race and injured his friend John Graziano to the extent where he’ll need medical care for the rest of his life was the exact moment when everything went wrong for everyone.

First there was the immediate knock-on of the crash – Nick Hogan went to jail for it, then ended up in solitary, then got sued by Graziano’s family which made him look even more of a callous sod than he did before. It must have been hard, but not as hard as what the crash did to his family life – his mother and father divorced in the wake of the crash, and then both started to get off with people his own age.

Harbouring the mental image of his mother – who looks disturbingly enough like a man as it is – having it away with someone who he went to school with is probably punishment enough for his crime, but now Nick Bollea has served the prison part of the punishment as well.

According to reports, Nick Hogan was released from Pinellas County Jail early this morning, two months before completing his sentence for good behaviour. While Nick Hogan hasn’t made a statement yet, his mother Linda has already done it for him, as MTV reports:

“This is our time as a family to come together to support Nick’s adjustment back into the public life, keeping it as normal as possible. Neither Nick, nor we as a family, has any interest in making this anything but private. We respect the media’s role and only ask that they respect our privacy. Nick went into prison as a juvenile and has experienced something that will mold and affect him for the rest of his adult life. His focus is to make a positive difference in this world, media-free. Since his future actions will speak louder than any words, there is no need to speak to the media at this time.”

Quite right. There is no reason to speak to the media – especially since doing that will nudge down the price that Nick Hogan can demand for his inevitable sad-faced OK! magazine covershoot and accompanying interview in a couple of months’ time.

And the matter of the reality TV show is still a bit fuzzy. Although Linda Hogan says that Nick’s life will be ‘media-free’ from now on, Nick himself was thought to be keen on finding a reality vehicle upon his release, and the TV networks are bound to be knocking at his door with offers soon. It might just better a matter of when, not if.

Besides, what can Nick Hogan do for a living other than star in reality TV shows? He’s probably not going to be accepted as a bus driver now, that’s for sure, and we’re not sure that the only other job he’s qualified for – using his skull as a template for industrial rectangular birdhouses – even exists.

By now you’ve probably realised that OJ Simpson has been found guilty on all 12 charges of armed robbery and kidnapping, and that he could face anything up to life in jail for it. However, OJ Simpson now plans to appeal the decision from jail, where he’s being kept away from other prisoners to protect his own safety.

But still, OJ Simpson won’t find himself at a loss for anything to do now that he’s been found guilty on all charges. He can finally write that book he’s always wanted to, for example – the hypothetical If I Didn’t Do It, Here’s How It Didn’t Happen; a breathtaking account of how OJ Simpson was actually doing a spot of Sudoku and thinking about kittens when he was supposed to be holding some men up in a hotel room.

So that’s that, then. The jury in the OJ Simpson has found OJ guilty of all 12 charges. Who knew angry white folk could be so mean? Thanks to the jury’s verdict, OJ Simpson could be looking at life in jail when sentencing rolls around in December.

It’s an epic fall from grace for the man who, just last year, was living the high life only achieved by the select few who dare to write books on how they’d like to stab their already-murdered ex-wife to death if they had the chance. And now he might just spend the rest of his life behind bars.

The lesson from this is clear – if you ever want to burst into a hotel room with a gang of armed men to steal hundreds of sports memorabilia items, try to make sure that nobody’s secretly taping it at the same time. Because ultimately, as the jury pointed out, that’s what did OJ Simpson in. Sportingnews reports:

Jurors who convicted O.J. Simpson of armed robbery and kidnapping said Sunday they did not trust witness testimony in the case, and instead relied on audio and video recordings and other documented evidence to convict him. Jury foreman Paul Connelly said it was perhaps a waste for prosecutors to have given plea deals to several Simpson co-defendants in exchange for their testimony, since the jury did not rely on it.

What? You mean the court could have simply played the audio tape to the jury and they would have reached the same verdict? And we still had to wade through weeks and weeks of watching flabby old hasbeen wiseguys stumble around on the verge of heart attacks? That hardly seems like the most efficient way to go about business, does it?

Anyway, OJ Simpson is said to be ‘melancholy’ at the verdict, and he’s planning to appeal based on several factors including the racial mix of the jury and that some jurors may have believed this conviction was payback for his double murder acquittal five years ago.

That won’t happen for a while, though – appeals can’t be processed until sentencing, which won’t happen until December – so until then, OJ Simpson will have to remain in jail. That won’t be especially fun for OJ, because he’s apparently being kept away from other prisoners for his own safety.

Not because they want to kill him or anything, you understand, but because all the other prisoners are such big fans of OJ Simpson’s hidden camera prank DVD Juiced that they’d be constantly pestering him for an autograph at all hours of the day.

In fact, that’s what saddens us most about this conviction – it means OJ Simpson won’t be able to make any more volumes of Juiced. He could try it in prison, we guess, but having each prank end with the furious victim anally brutalising OJ Simpson in the municipal showers as a horrifically violent revenge act would probably get quite old quite fast.

Yeah, now you remember. Anyway, Jack Tweed has just been sentenced to 18 months in prison for doing one of those things. That’s right – Jack Tweed went to prison for wearing an illegal hat. What a disturbing criminal this man is.

Oh, OK, not really. In actual fact, Jack Tweed smashed a 16-year-old boy in the face, head and chest with a golf club, the scamp . It’s terrible news for Jade Goody – first she got cancer and now Jack Tweed’s gone to jail. Still, on the plus side at least nobody’s calling her ‘Pig-faced Big Brother racist Jade Goody’ any more. That has to be worth something, right?

We don’t have any scientific proof for this, but we’re pretty sure that wearing a trilby actually turns you into a monster. Look at Pete Doherty – pre-trilby he was the lovely bloke from The Libertines, then he puts on a trilby and goes to jail. Similarly, Blake Fielder-Civil was compelled to kick a pub landlord’s face in as soon as he put a trilby on. Then there’s the worst offender of all - Patrick Truman from EastEnders, whose trilby made him think sexy thoughts about Pat Butcher. Disgusting.

And now Jade Goody’s ex-boyfriend Jack Tweed has joined the trilby monster club by getting sentenced to 18 months in jail for beating up a boy with a golf club. The Times reports:

Tweed pleaded not guilty and denied any knowledge of the assault at his trial in July, but at today’s sentencing his lawyer said, in mitigation, that his client had lost his temper after being the victim of “sustained abuse” by local youths… Andre de Moller said Tweed had attacked Daniel in order to teach the teenager “a lesson”.

Frankly we didn’t think that Jack Tweed was capable of such violence, but only because it requires the brainpower to necessitate basic motor skills and – from watching his exploits on Celebrity Big Brother last year, where he basically acted like an amoeba with a Zara storecard – we just didn’t think he had it in him.

However, the timing of Jack Tweed’s conviction genuinely could have come at a worse time. Jade Goody’s just been diagnosed with cervical cancer and – if the front covers of every single magazine we’ve looked at for the last fortnight are correct – Jade’s understandably quite distraught about it.

Without Jack around, who’s going to be there for Jade? Her crazy one-armed lesbian mother? Oh please. And that’s all she’s got – well, her and the depressingly large slice of the population who’ll rush out and buy Jade Goody’s inevitable ghostwritten book My Struggle, but that’s it. No wonder Jade calls Jack her rock.

True, that’s mainly because he’s completely inert, devoid of any signs of life and painful when struck into the face of a 16-year-old boy, but you get the picture.

Firstly, Blake Fielder-Civil’s sentence has shown that you can’t go round violently attacking pub landlords in the face; and that if you do, you definitely can’t try buying their silence with great big wads of your wife’s cash.

Most of all, though, Blake Fielder-Civil’s 27-month jail sentence shows that you’ll still get lumbered with a giant stretch in prison even if you get Amy Winehouse to bellow your name in public every six or seven seconds. Speaking of that, we’ve got another 27 months of that. Thanks, the British justice system. Thanks a lot.

These last nine months have been hellish. They’ve been an unrelenting torture, the likes of which will rarely come round again. That’s because Amy Winehouse’s husband Blake Fielder-Civil has been incarcerated for nine months. And it’s been agony.

Not for Blake Fielder-Civil, who has been plunged into a nightmarish stay in a squalid prison for those nine months. And not for Amy Winehouse, who’s slowly been unravelling to the point where she’s now nothing more than a violent drug addict constantly on the brink of death. No, we’re talking about us.

Nine months we’ve had of listening to Amy Winehouse bellow the word “Blake!” when she’s singing her songs or staggering around Camden off her face on whatever substances she’s into these days. Blake Blake Blake, that’s all we ever bloody hear. And it’s fairly annoying, we don’t mind telling you. We definitely have it worse than Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil put together.

And it’s not going to stop until October 2010, because Blake Civil-Fielder has finally been sentenced for his crime of getting trashed on booze and cocaine, smashing up a pub landlord’s head until he needed a metal plate inserted to hold his face together and then offering him £200,000 to flee the country or change his story. And he’s been given 27 sodding months. The Independent reports:

Judge David Radford told Fielder-Civil he had behaved in a “gratuitous, cowardly and disgraceful” way. Fielder-Civil, who had looked calm and relaxed throughout the hearing, showed little emotion as the sentence was passed. But as he was taken down to the cells by court staff at the end of the hearing he looked up and smiled at friends and family in the front row of the crammed public gallery and mouthed “see you soon”.

Although 27 months sounds like quite a long time – in which Blake Fielder-Civil will miss both Albania joining NATO and the end of the Swedish pharmacy monopoly – in reality he’s already served nine of those on remand, so he could be out by Christmas.

Still, though, the next few months are going to be especially difficult on Amy Winehouse. Being without her husband has been tortuous enough as it is, and she’d been publicly pinning her hopes on his release today, so those around her must be fearing for her safety at the moment.

Will Blake’s sentence throw her back into the drug-drenched miasma she’s been struggling to recover from? Will it cripple her productivity as an artist even further? Worst of all, does it mean she’s going to get off with another ancient member of Babyshambles? Christ, let’s hope not. That poor girl has been through enough as it is.

As luck would have it, that’s exactly what Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Bollea has been wishing for in public all week. He’s been desperate to get out of the solitary confinement cell that he’s been kept in since he went to prison almost a month ago.

And now, even though a judge ignored his pleas earlier in the week, Nick Bollea has been moved into a communal cell, where he’ll get to experience all the heady delights that prison has to offer when you’re a 17-year-old boy doing time for crashing a wildly expensive supercar and your resentful cellmates have had to give up some of their precious personal space just so they can accommodate a spoilt little rich boy.

That Nick Bollea. He doesn’t know he’s born. For almost a month he enjoyed the best that jail had to offer – solitary confinement. It sounds perfect, doesn’t it? No awkward fake machismo-filled interactions with badly-tattooed inmates to try and find your place in the prison hierarchy. No worrying that people will see your balls when you’re shitting into a bucket. All the slot-shaped food you can eat. Lovely – if we ever went to prison, we’d want solitary too.

But nooo, solitary confinement’s not good enough for Nick Bollea, which is why he’s spent all week bitching and moaning about all the crippling anxiety that being shut in a room alone for 23 hours a day is causing him.

Nick’s been trying his hardest to get busted out of solitary, but it was all to no avail – just the other day a judge overturned his request to move out. But then yesterday, as if by magic, it happened – Nick Bollea was shifted out of his dark little fortress of solitute and into a slightly bigger fortress of public masturbation and physical intimidation. ABC reports:

Deputies at a west Florida jail have transferred Hulk Hogan’s son out of solitary confinement into a communal cell. Seventeen-year-old Nick Bollea is now sharing living space with three other juvenile inmates. Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office spokeswoman Cecilia Barreda says housing assignments are routinely reviewed because the jail’s population constantly changes. That created an opportunity to house juveniles together.

Of course – Nick Bollea’s move is all down to the cell’s previous inmate getting released. Or getting moved to hospital because he was beaten up so brutally by his three mentally unstable cellmates. Or slashing his wrists and dying just to free himself from the unending pain of life as a juvenile prisoner. One of the three. Hooray! Well done Nick!

And with this battle won, Nick Bollea will be pumped up and confident ahead of his next fight with the prison officials – getting some curtains fitted in the cell. Nice ones, though – he doesn’t want anything clashing with his skin tone, does he, the little lamb.

Hecklerspray has never been to prison, but we expect the favourite song of all the inmates to be “Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Bad boys. Whatcha want, whatcha want whatcha gonna do, when sheriff John Brown come for you? Tell me whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna dooo Yeaheah.”

Try telling that to the wimpy son of the most famous wearer of the homoerotic moustache-wearing wrestler Hulk Hogan. Nick Bollea recently got put in to the slammer for driving like an irresponsible twat and buggering up the life of his passenger John Graziano.

Has Nick Bollea taken his punishment like a man? Of course not. He ripped off his lemon-coloured vest and demanded to be given a friendly rapist of a roommate. All because he was feeling lonely.

People often say that famous people tend to get favourable treatment to get nicer cells or an early release. The Hogans know this, and in a leaked tape, it appears that the Hulkster is giving his twat of a son tips on how to gain sympathy.

It obviously didn’t work.