Remember a few weeks ago when we kept banging on at you to enter a competition to win a holiday in Cannes?

Yes you do, it was all about finding an heir to Jacques D’Azur. You remember. Anyway, statistically speaking most of you reading this either didn’t enter the competition or entered but didn’t win. In which case, take the following video as a lesson. It’s a video of the winner wearing bespoke suits and flying in helicopters and drinking fancy booze and generally having the best time of his entire life.

So next time we have a competition, you know, enter it. And win it. That’s also important. Video after the jump…

Last week hecklerspray was invited to the Cannes Film Festival for a few days as guests of Stella Artois.

Here are 10 things we now know about this year’s festival that no other website will tell you (or even care about)…

1 – That Darth Vader is not as big as he looks in the movies and in his spare time likes to cavort with half-naked girls in clubs

OK, so it wasn’t really the Dark Lord of the Sith, but a midget dressed up as him. However, it was by far the finest moment of the trip. The Force was certainly strong with him as he threw shapes on the dance floor surrounded by seven of the most stunning girls hecklerspray has ever been allowed to get close to without violating some kind of court order.

The scary thing is that, while our gaze was fixed almost entirely on the writhing girls, looking at some of the strange people in the club, there were definitely some who only had eyes for Dwarf Vader and his tiny lightsabre. Here is a very blurry picture, but we hope to have a video of it soon.

2 – That Eva Longoria really does not want to talk to hecklerspray

Even if we pathetically run after her at a VIP party screaming “Eeeva”. At one point we are pretty sure she started to break into a jog. In fact, her bodyguard was even less impressed. Sorry we don’t have a picture of the blessed event, but, as much as we can remember from our drunken haze, she was very small, very pretty, had very big hair and a designer dress with jewels encrusted in it. We think. There were also a lot of Russian hookers around. See, who needs Vanity Fair?

3 – That you really need to apply sun cream, even if it’s cloudy

Or you will end with third degree burns, looking like the Singing Detective and shunned by your embarrassed peers.

4 – That Jean Claude van Damme likes hecklerspray more than Eva Longoria, but dresses like a kid with an Asbo

Well, he at least said hello and shook our hand – almost breaking it in the process. However, he would not have his picture taken with us, possibly because he could sense the desperation in our eyes, but mainly because he did not want people to realise he was shorter than the dwarf in the Darth Vader outfit. We did manage to take a couple of pictures, however, before he got very uncomfortable and went AWOL (get it?).

Now we are big fans of the Muscles from Brussels but were baffled with what he was wearing (even we made an effort by wearing a suit). Tracksuit bottoms and a white T-shirt? Maybe now he is unemployed he spends most of his time in his backyard in Essex, drinking strong lager (not Stella), smoking tabs and shouting at the neighbours.

5 – That Ethan Hawke is a very small man who tries to compensate by hiring the cast of 300 to protect him

OK, so it wasn’t quite an entire army of Spartan soldiers, but five bodyguards, who even followed him into the toilet. But every movie star we saw was a lot smaller than we thought they would be. In fact, we had to check we were in Cannes rather than Lilliput.

6 – That Universal bosses think Russell Crowe is ‘a bastard’

Of course, that is assuming the guy we spoke to was actually who he says he was and that he was not joking when he said it. Maybe he was cursing the grumpy Australian after just seeing the movie Robin Hood for the first time. We certainly were. Despite the fanfare, the film was rubbish, proof if ever you needed it that while you can’t polish a turd, you can always roll it in glitter.

7 – That taxi drivers in Cannes are murderous, treacherous swines

How do we know this? Well, all we can say is that we are lucky to still be here after being hit not once but twice on pedestrian crossings. In fact, they even accelerated. Maybe Eva Longoria hired them.

8 – That Russell Crowe can handle his drink

We arrived at the Robin Hood party at midnight – about three hours after Crowe. We were told he had already gone, but he actually did not leave until 5am after quite a few drinks. Mind you, he had just been given the dreaded slow hand clap by the Cannes audience after trying to address them at the end of the movie and was probably nursing his bruised, king-sized ego.

9 – That the Cannes film festival attracts a lot of strange people

Women dressed as zombies, pensioners with mullets dressed in pyjamas – and that’s just the celebrities. It’s like walking around a David Lynch movie.

10 – That there is no way of telling people you are going to Cannes without sounding like a smug knob

Believe us, we at least tried.

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Remember Jacques d’Azur, that bloke who definitely existed and then died? You do? Good.

Remember how we ran a video about him a couple of week ago saying that if you watched the video you could end up flying business class to Cannes, getting put up in a fancy hotel and going to all kinds of fancy screenings during the film festival? Well here’s another Jacques d’Azur video. And we really can’t make this clear enough – IF YOU WATCH THE VIDEO, YOU COULD GO TO CANNES FOR FREE.

So, you know, watch the video. It’s after the jump. We’re not messing you around here. Watch the video. Watch it…

StellaArtois.com

First the bad news: Jacques d’Azur won’t be going to the Cannes festival this year, because he’s dead. What’s the good news?

You can go in his place. Stella Artois 4% is running a breathtaking new competition, where the prize is the full VIP Cannes treatment. Think fancy flights to Cannes. Think nice hotel. Think VIP festival screenings. Think trailing around after Rachel Weisz hoping that she’ll notice you, and then failing, and then getting trashed on cocktails afterwards. That’s the kind of thing that’s up for grabs here.

And now you have three choices. You can enter the competition here, or you can watch a lovely video about it after the jump. Or you can tell us what you’d do on the red carpet if you won. Who would you like to kiss? Who would you like to grope? Who would you like to deliberately trip up? Answers below, please…

Red carpet events look like a right hoot don’t they? I mean, you get to wear posh clothes whilst being screamed at by blokes with cameras wanting you to perform a variety of poses, showing off your backless dress/arseless trousers. Then, once everyone has finished screaming at you (or indeed, failing to hurling abuse at you), you slink away to glug champagne from glasses forged out of truffles and unicorn hooves.

However, there’s a good chance that, like us, you’re utterly useless plebs who will never be able to glide down a red carpet and make people gasp and jerk in astonishment. Quite simply, you’re deluding yourself if you think you can simply waltz up to an event and everyone will suddenly realise your star quality and immediate avert their eyes, but not their love.

That is, unless you follow our 5 step guide to blagging your way down a red carpet. It’s doable, but you might have to throw your dignity (and possibly the gusset of your undergarments) to one side. Click over the jump as fleeting stardom awaits.

1. Get off with Perez Hilton

The easiest way to stardom is to make a sex-tape. Then, after infamy, you can strut down the red carpet on the arm of someone famous who thinks you’re a bit of a minx – which of course, you are. However, sex-tapes might get a bit old hat, so we predict that tapping off with a celebrity blogger is the way forward. As no-one at Hecklerspray owns either genitals or any sway in the celebrity world, you’ll have to entertain Perez Hilton. Give it a try and you’ll be getting punched in the eye by someone from Black Eyed Peas in no time!

2.Kill everyone who says you can’t go down the red carpet

A simple – but risky – strategy is to buy yourself lots of ammo and a massive gun. Simply arrive at the red carpet and any person thwarting your way should be met with a simple round of bullets to the throat. Essentially, ‘go postal’ (not to be confused with posting yourself in a giant jiffy bag marked “Any Awards Ceremony Please: For pick up on Red Carpet”)

3. Actually go to all the trouble of becoming a famous person

Spend months starving and sleeping on friend’s couches whilst you perform thousands of unsuccessful auditions in front of tubby men who persist in winking at you. Then, after years of hard work and dubious appearances in commercials and corporate videos, you get your break! Hopefully, Danny Boyle will spot you and turn you into a little starlet.

4.Expensive plastic surgery to make you look like someone famous

Essentially, you’ll need to turn your life into the dreadful MTV show I Want A Famous Face. Instead of spending all that time learning to act or play an instrument, you could simply go and see some Doctor Nick character and say “Make me look like Mickey Rooney!” To be honest, a monkey with a hammer and half a hacksaw in a darkened room could make you look like that. With any luck, you’ll end up looking dashing like this.

5.Get adopted by Madonna or Angelina Jolie

This is trickier than the rest. Firstly, you’ll need to move to a third world country. You’ll have to be about 2 feet tall and not speak any English. If you’re this far in, then perfect a doe-eyed look that will make a Hollywood A-lister’s crumbly little heart muscle creak to swelling point. Stretch out a hand and meekly say “Mama?” Practise in the mirror and let us know how you get on.

Of course, there is another way. You can avoid all that by (and apologies for the utterly shameless nature of all this) ENTERING THIS COMPETITION BROUGHT TO YOU IN ASSOCIATION WITH STELLA ARTOIS!*

This is definitely for you if you like slurping posh drinks and want to live the life of a superstar celeb like you’re the natural heir to Jacques D’Azur, the enigmatic face of the competition launched by Stella Artois 4% which gives ordinary folks the chance to party like the stars for a weekend.

So if you don’t fancy being brought up by Her Madge, but you would like to be treated like royalty at Cannes 2010, get yourself over to StellaArtois.com and enter the sweepstake! It’s a really amazing prize with the threat of an astonishingly glamorous hangover! Good luck!

* Post sponsored by our friends at Stella Artois 4%.

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So far it’s fair to say that this year’s Cannes Film Festival has been all over the shop.

The bulk of the chatter has been about what Angelina Jolie is keeping in her guts and the festival’s biggest two movies – Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull and Vicky Cristina Barcelona – are only gaining interest because people either like a) watching iconic action stars try to recapture past glories or b) watching Scarlett Johansson get off with Penelope Cruz.

And since Sean Penn is the festival’s jury president this year, everything else is probably going to be a barrage of humourless hand-wringing about starving Albanians. And if the thought of that has put you off, we’ve found a way to enjoy the Cannes Film Festival from home.

Actually, we’ve found two ways of enjoying the Cannes Film Festival from home. The first one is to watch the GMTV Cannes coverage while one of your friends whines in a French accent and resentfully jabs you in the kidneys with a lit cigarette every couple of minutes, and the second one involves Skype.

Because not everyone in the movie industry wants to go to a festival that mostly seems to be about Jack Black dicking around with some pandas, Skype is being used in Cannes’ American Pavilion to facilitate video calls with various absentee entertainment notables during important interviews and panel discussions. According to Julie Sisk, founder and director of the The American Pavilion:

“The film community is increasingly global, and Skype helps make certain that the Festival is as inclusive as possible of that entire community.”

So who’s scheduled to appear in these special Skype video conferences? James Cameron’s rumoured to be making an appearance, and so is Vince Pace, executive producer of that recent Miley Cyrus movie that did so well. Thank you Skype – now it’s possible to irritate grown men by asking them a barrage of questions exclusively about a 15-year-old girl’s naked body no matter where they are in the world.

Angelina Jolie must be wondering why she even bothered going all the way to poxy Cannes.

Supposedly there to promote Kung Fu Panda, Angelina Jolie has actually ended up having to sit in a room with her co-stars and listen to them carping on about all the secrets of her pregnancy. First Jack Black accidentally confirmed that Angelina Jolie was pregnant with twins, and now Dustin Hoffman has apparently revealed that her babies are due to be born on August 19.

But that’s nothing, because Angelina’s other Kung Fu Panda co-star Jackie Chan refuses to be outdone – and you’ll discover why just as soon as he’s finished bronzing his 30ft papier mache representation of what the inside of Angelina Jolie’s dilating cervix looks like.

Privacy has always been of the utmost importance to Angelina Jolie. It’s this need for privacy that made her continually deny that she was having it off with Brad Pitt when everyone knew she was, and it’s also the reason why she’ll get the secret service on your ass if you ever tinker with her photos.

But it’s Angelina Jolie’s children who are the most fiercely protected. Angelina Jolie wants their upbringing to be as normal as possible, which is why she gives them regular-joe names like Zahara and Pax Thien and keeps them shielded from view at all times except for when she needs them for multimillion dollar magazine cover photos.

So imagine how rubbish Angelina Jolie must have felt earlier this week when Jack Black accidentally revealed that Angelina Jolie was having twins to the four sensory-deprived Eskimos who didn’t already know that Angelina was pregnant with twins, forcing an awkward confirmation out of Angelina.

And if that’s not bad enough, Angelina Jolie’s other Kung Fu Panda co-star Dustin Hoffman has apparently tried to trump Jack Black by revealing the exact day that her twins will wriggle out of her bum, or however childbirth works. People reports:

Apparently one of the most-discussed topics at this year’s Cannes Film Festival is Angelina Jolie‘s pregnancy… Fellow costar Dustin Hoffman revealed her due date as Aug. 19 – and the Today show passed along the news Thursday morning – but it’s more likely that Jolie will give birth prior… “I’m very happy,” said Jolie, 33, according to Today. “Unlike most women, I love being pregnant.”

Yeah, screw you most women! Not only is Angelina Jolie prettier and richer than you with a better-looking boyfriend and a cavalcade of noble humanitarian pursuits, but she also loves being pregnant. You? You just sit around watching Jeremy Kyle and complaining that you’ve got tit-ache. Shame on you all!

Anyway, as People said, we shouldn’t take Dustin Hoffman’s proclamation of Angelina Jolie’s due date as gospel. Chances are he was just lightly satirising the media’s prolific hunger for information about celebrities’ private lives. And it’s this razor-sharp wit and lightness of touch that made Hoffman’s Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium such a golden box office smash. Ahem.

Read more:

Angelina Jolie’s Summer Baby Plans – People

The Cannes Film Festival is the most famous film festival in the world, where every year a jury chooses a film that nobody has seen and says how much better it is than all the films you've seen put together.

And this year the Cannes Film Festival is going to be extra special because the head of the Cannes jury has been announced as Sean Penn. As one of the most respected actors and directors working in Hollywood today, Sean Penn's appointment will mean that the movie he awards his prize to will get an even bigger publicity boost than usual. It also means that anyone who's recently made a movie that's funny, uplifting, deft or about anything other than how terrible the Iraq war is should probably stay at home this year because they ain't winning jack.

2008 is going to be Sean Penn's special year for awards. That's not saying a lot because Sean Penn wins awards every year – in 2003 he won an Oscar for Mystic River, in 2006 he won the prestigious World's Most Gloomily Humourless Bastard award and he's the current California State champion for that Nintendo Wii game where you ride a cow around knocking over scarecrows.

But this year – this year is certainly different. Although nobody went to see it, the Sean Penn-directed Into The Wild has emerged as quite the Oscar front-runner, picking up Screen Actors Guild nominations and Critics Choice nominations for its visceral portrayal of an annoying boy dying in the snow really slowly.

And now Sean Penn gets to award awards to other films too, because he's just been named as the head of this year's Cannes jury. And, as expected, Sean Penn accepted his appointment with a statement so needlessly wordy it looks like he must have destroyed a thesaurus just writing it:

"It seems there has been a rejuvenation of cinema building worldwide; increasingly thoughtful, provocative, moving, and imaginative films by talented filmmakers: that a new generation of filmmaking may have begun. The Cannes Film Festival has long been the epicentre in the discovery of those new waves of filmmakers from all over the world. I very much look forward to participating in this year's festival as president of the jury."

So what can we expect from Sean Penn's tenure as president of the jury at this year's Cannes Festival? Hard to say at the moment, but knowing that Penn likes brooding, intense, heavy-handed dramas with serious messages, we wouldn't be surprised if he opts for Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach. That came out this year, right?

Read more: 

Sean Penn to head Cannes Film Festival jury – Reuters