Red carpet events look like a right hoot don’t they? I mean, you get to wear posh clothes whilst being screamed at by blokes with cameras wanting you to perform a variety of poses, showing off your backless dress/arseless trousers. Then, once everyone has finished screaming at you (or indeed, failing to hurling abuse at you), you slink away to glug champagne from glasses forged out of truffles and unicorn hooves.
However, there’s a good chance that, like us, you’re utterly useless plebs who will never be able to glide down a red carpet and make people gasp and jerk in astonishment. Quite simply, you’re deluding yourself if you think you can simply waltz up to an event and everyone will suddenly realise your star quality and immediate avert their eyes, but not their love.
That is, unless you follow our 5 step guide to blagging your way down a red carpet. It’s doable, but you might have to throw your dignity (and possibly the gusset of your undergarments) to one side. Click over the jump as fleeting stardom awaits.
1. Get off with Perez Hilton
The easiest way to stardom is to make a sex-tape. Then, after infamy, you can strut down the red carpet on the arm of someone famous who thinks you’re a bit of a minx – which of course, you are. However, sex-tapes might get a bit old hat, so we predict that tapping off with a celebrity blogger is the way forward. As no-one at Hecklerspray owns either genitals or any sway in the celebrity world, you’ll have to entertain Perez Hilton. Give it a try and you’ll be getting punched in the eye by someone from Black Eyed Peas in no time!
2.Kill everyone who says you can’t go down the red carpet
A simple – but risky – strategy is to buy yourself lots of ammo and a massive gun. Simply arrive at the red carpet and any person thwarting your way should be met with a simple round of bullets to the throat. Essentially, ‘go postal’ (not to be confused with posting yourself in a giant jiffy bag marked “Any Awards Ceremony Please: For pick up on Red Carpet”)
3. Actually go to all the trouble of becoming a famous person
Spend months starving and sleeping on friend’s couches whilst you perform thousands of unsuccessful auditions in front of tubby men who persist in winking at you. Then, after years of hard work and dubious appearances in commercials and corporate videos, you get your break! Hopefully, Danny Boyle will spot you and turn you into a little starlet.
4.Expensive plastic surgery to make you look like someone famous
Essentially, you’ll need to turn your life into the dreadful MTV show I Want A Famous Face. Instead of spending all that time learning to act or play an instrument, you could simply go and see some Doctor Nick character and say “Make me look like Mickey Rooney!” To be honest, a monkey with a hammer and half a hacksaw in a darkened room could make you look like that. With any luck, you’ll end up looking dashing like this.
5.Get adopted by Madonna or Angelina Jolie
This is trickier than the rest. Firstly, you’ll need to move to a third world country. You’ll have to be about 2 feet tall and not speak any English. If you’re this far in, then perfect a doe-eyed look that will make a Hollywood A-lister’s crumbly little heart muscle creak to swelling point. Stretch out a hand and meekly say “Mama?” Practise in the mirror and let us know how you get on.
Of course, there is another way. You can avoid all that by (and apologies for the utterly shameless nature of all this) ENTERING THIS COMPETITION BROUGHT TO YOU IN ASSOCIATION WITH STELLA ARTOIS!*
This is definitely for you if you like slurping posh drinks and want to live the life of a superstar celeb like you’re the natural heir to Jacques D’Azur, the enigmatic face of the competition launched by Stella Artois 4% which gives ordinary folks the chance to party like the stars for a weekend.
So if you don’t fancy being brought up by Her Madge, but you would like to be treated like royalty at Cannes 2010, get yourself over to StellaArtois.com and enter the sweepstake! It’s a really amazing prize with the threat of an astonishingly glamorous hangover! Good luck!
* Post sponsored by our friends at Stella Artois 4%.
Kris says
I would not want to see Jacques D’Azur’s sex tape.
Pixie says
6. Pretend to be in the press!
PS – AWESOME prize.
Dave W says
Jacques actually freaks me out a bit
Kris says
It would take a lot of Stella for me to want to get off with Perez Hilton.
Ian says
I particularly like the; ‘get adopted by Angelina Jolie’. I’ll start work on it straight away!