Last week hecklerspray was invited to the Cannes Film Festival for a few days as guests of Stella Artois.
Here are 10 things we now know about this year?s festival that no other website will tell you (or even care about)…
1 – That Darth Vader is not as big as he looks in the movies and in his spare time likes to cavort with half-naked girls in clubs
OK, so it wasn?t really the Dark Lord of the Sith, but a midget dressed up as him. However, it was by far the finest moment of the trip. The Force was certainly strong with him as he threw shapes on the dance floor surrounded by seven of the most stunning girls hecklerspray has ever been allowed to get close to without violating some kind of court order.
The scary thing is that, while our gaze was fixed almost entirely on the writhing girls, looking at some of the strange people in the club, there were definitely some who only had eyes for Dwarf Vader and his tiny lightsabre. Here is a very blurry picture, but we hope to have a video of it soon.
2 – That Eva Longoria really does not want to talk to hecklerspray
Even if we pathetically run after her at a VIP party screaming ?Eeeva?. At one point we are pretty sure she started to break into a jog. In fact, her bodyguard was even less impressed. Sorry we don't have a picture of the blessed event, but, as much as we can remember from our drunken haze, she was very small, very pretty, had very big hair and a designer dress with jewels encrusted in it. We think. There were also a lot of Russian hookers around. See, who needs Vanity Fair?
3 – That you really need to apply sun cream, even if it's cloudy
Or you will end with third degree burns, looking like the Singing Detective and shunned by your embarrassed peers.
4 – That Jean Claude van Damme likes hecklerspray more than Eva Longoria, but dresses like a kid with an Asbo
Well, he at least said hello and shook our hand ? almost breaking it in the process. However, he would not have his picture taken with us, possibly because he could sense the desperation in our eyes, but mainly because he did not want people to realise he was shorter than the dwarf in the Darth Vader outfit. We did manage to take a couple of pictures, however, before he got very uncomfortable and went AWOL (get it?).
Now we are big fans of the Muscles from Brussels but were baffled with what he was wearing (even we made an effort by wearing a suit). Tracksuit bottoms and a white T-shirt? Maybe now he is unemployed he spends most of his time in his backyard in Essex, drinking strong lager (not Stella), smoking tabs and shouting at the neighbours.
5 – That Ethan Hawke is a very small man who tries to compensate by hiring the cast of 300 to protect him
OK, so it wasn?t quite an entire army of Spartan soldiers, but five bodyguards, who even followed him into the toilet. But every movie star we saw was a lot smaller than we thought they would be. In fact, we had to check we were in Cannes rather than Lilliput.
6 – That Universal bosses think Russell Crowe is ?a bastard?
Of course, that is assuming the guy we spoke to was actually who he says he was and that he was not joking when he said it. Maybe he was cursing the grumpy Australian after just seeing the movie Robin Hood for the first time. We certainly were. Despite the fanfare, the film was rubbish, proof if ever you needed it that while you can't polish a turd, you can always roll it in glitter.
7 – That taxi drivers in Cannes are murderous, treacherous swines
How do we know this? Well, all we can say is that we are lucky to still be here after being hit not once but twice on pedestrian crossings. In fact, they even accelerated. Maybe Eva Longoria hired them.
8 – That Russell Crowe can handle his drink
We arrived at the Robin Hood party at midnight ? about three hours after Crowe. We were told he had already gone, but he actually did not leave until 5am after quite a few drinks. Mind you, he had just been given the dreaded slow hand clap by the Cannes audience after trying to address them at the end of the movie and was probably nursing his bruised, king-sized ego.
9 – That the Cannes film festival attracts a lot of strange people
Women dressed as zombies, pensioners with mullets dressed in pyjamas ? and that's just the celebrities. It's like walking around a David Lynch movie.
10 – That there is no way of telling people you are going to Cannes without sounding like a smug knob
Believe us, we at least tried.
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