Getting people to watch the remade Melrose Place must be like putting a pig in a dress and asking strangers to hump it.

How can you improve it? Short of burning it to the ground and praying that nobody remembers it even existed, you probably can’t. But, hey the Melrose Place producers are a tenacious bunch, and they’re not giving up without a fight. By which we mean they’ve sacked Ashlee Simpson. Makes sense.

At least now we won’t have to think of the show as Melrose Place: Starring Ashlee Simpson any more. It’ll be Melrose Place: Starring, Oh, You Know, That Guy. You Know The One. That Guy Who Did That Thing. And A Girl. It’s much better.

This might sound a little harsh, but we’re pleased that Ashlee Simpson has been sacked from the cast of Melrose Place. Because the thought of a Simpson girl in full-time employment freaked the crap out of us. As everyone knows, the only work that Simpson girls are able to get must come in the form of a) intermittently-released trend-chasing pop albums that could have legitimately been made by any number of other singers, b) films that nobody will watch, c) reality shows about their suspicious relationships with men and d) reality shows about how fat they sometimes are.

But a long-term role in a TV drama? Frankly the thought of that filled us with dread. But luckily normality has been restored now that Ashlee Simpson has been given the boot. The New York Post reports:

Ashlee’s character Violet was a major suspect in the murder mystery that has gripped the show so far, and producers decided once it was resolved in episode 12 “she would go on her way.” … “Because we felt that once the murder mystery was resolved, the tone of the show was going to shift into a much more fun, romantic, sexy upbeat kind of show.” said executive producer Todd Slavkin.

So let’s get this right – Ashlee Simpson basically got the sack from Melrose Place because she’s not fun or romantic or sexy or upbeat? That’s got to hurt. But never mind, Ashlee – next time someone needlessly remakes a horrible 1990s TV show, and opts for a tone that boring, serious, dreary and slightly funny to look at, we’re sure you’ll be first on the casting list.

Actually, that’s unfair. Ashlee Simpson’s entire treatment at the hands of Melrose Place has been unfair, in fact. Remember when the show started, and the only reason that anyone paid attention was because Ashlee Simpson was going to be in it? What’s Melrose Place going to use as a marketing hook now? The fact that it stars Michael Rady from The Sisterhood Of The Travelling Pants? Actually, it might. After all, it was desperate enough to use Ashlee Simpson as a marketing hook, so who knows?

Still, on the bright side at least Ashlee Simpson has more free time now. And if we were her we’d use it all trying to think of a baby name that’s worse than Bronx Mowgli. They say it can’t be done, you know.

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Both outcomes are hideously expensive – any therapy you had would last for decades and the legal bills you’d rack up from climbing a clocktower and blasting away indiscriminately at strangers for an hour as revenge for the years of teasing would be immense – so it’s just as well that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz have already worked out a way to set Bronx Mowgli Wentz up with a fortune.

According to reports, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz could command anything up to $2 million from magazines in exchange for exclusive photos of the baby. The money would go a long way to help clean up all the gallons of poo, pee, snot and runny vomit that the couple have found themselves living amid this last week. Or they could use it to wipe up the mess that baby Bronx Mowgli made instead. It’s up to them.

He may have only been born a week ago, but nevertheless it’ll still go down in history as the happiest week of baby Bronx Mowgli Wentz’s life. Over the coming days, weeks and months Bronx Mowgli will start to develop sentient thought, and then it’s all going to go tits up.

In time, Bronx Mowgli will discover that the bad noise he’s constantly forced to listen to is what his father does for a living, that the glowing orange woman with the Tonka truck jaw who keep visiting him is actually his aunt and – worst of all – that people keep saying the stupefying phrase ‘Bronx Mowgli’ around him because that’s actually his sodding name. We wouldn’t like to be him when he works that one out.

But it’s not all bad news for Bronx Mowgli Wentz, because there’s a very good likelihood that he’ll be richer than his wildest dreams in the next week or two. Although he’s just the lowly son of the bassist from the world’s sixth most interesting emo band and a woman primarily famous for being the sister of another woman who had a reality TV show once, exclusive baby photos of Bronx Mowgli Wentz could fetch anything up to $2 million. Monsters And Critics reports:

Publicist Howard Bragman said: “I see Ashlee and Pete coming in at the low seven figures mark. Two million seems like a good, solid figure for Ashlee and Pete. It’s a two-celeb couple, so that’s a boost for them. Keep in mind, last year, Ashlee was the girl who sang along to the tape recorder. It was a PR nightmare. Now, she’s a newlywed and a new mom, so she’s a lot more relatable.”

Two million dollars seems like quite an optimistic figure for pictures of Bronx Mowgli Wentz, doesn’t it? Remember that Christina Aguilera was only paid $1.5 million for her baby photos and it turned out that nobody could be bothered to get excited about them. And since Christina Aguilera is a woman who most people have actually heard of, it wouldn’t seem like Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are in for a monster payday.

Cuh. First no free BMW and now a potentially reduced fee for pictures of their baby? Why, it’s almost like nobody really cares about Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz, isn’t it?

But, however much Pete and Ashlee do end up getting for their baby photos, at least Bronx Mowgli Wentz can grow up in the knowledge that his parents got to spend that money on whatever exciting crap they wanted. Not like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s twins, who could only look on helplessly as their parents donated their fee to charity. The stupid charity-loving idiots.

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How wrong we were. According to some reports, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz may have settled on Bronx Mowgli Wentz because then they’d have a baby with the initials BMW, vastly increasing the chance of BMW giving the couple a new car as a way of thanking them for the unofficial endorsement of their brand.

But that hasn’t happened. A BMW spokesman has been quoted as saying that Bronx Mowgli Wentz wouldn’t be getting a free car, not even on his 16th birthday. You know what this means, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz? It’s back to the drawing board. In nine months’ time, baby Tassimo Easyjet Argos PlayStation Tizer Wentz is going to turn your luck around!

Bronx Mowgli Wentz. It’s been four days since Ashlee Simpson gave birth to Pete Wentz’s baby and the name still hasn’t sunk in.

Bronx Mowgli Wentz. It’s not even a bad name – it’s a name that’s bordering on evil. At least Knox Leon Jolie-Pitt can use his middle name to avoid schoolyard bullying. But what’ll happen if Bronx Mowgli does the same? He’ll not only get beaten up, but he’ll get beaten up by children screaming “Oobee doo, I wanna be like you-ooh-ooh!” into his crying face. And that’s obviously worse.

But still, at least Bronx Mowgli Wentz will have a successful future career as the author of several A Child Called It-style misery-lit memoirs entitled things like What Kind Of Idiot Names Their Son Bronx? and My Surname Was Already Wentz, You Didn’t Have To Make My Other Names Stupid Too. And that’s just as well, because Bronx Mowgli Wentz sure as hell isn’t getting a free car out of it.

You see, Bronx Mowgli Wentz’s name is so stunningly bad that some people have felt the need to try and explain it away, because an explanation – any explanation – would help rid them of their fear and confusion. And the most convincing explanation so far is that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz opted for Bronx Mowgli Wentz because then he’d have the initials BMW, which would automatically entitle him to a free car.

But, as someone from TMZ with too much time on their hands discovered, nobody’s getting a free car. Not now, and not in the year 2024 either:

We contacted BMW, who told us: “A new born baby is a magical moment for any family and we are happy that their son shares the same initials as us, but as for a free car on his sixteenth birthday we can not make any promises.”

Now that’s not because giving cars to anyone who happens to have the initials would be a dangerous precedent that would bankrupt the company in months, but because by the time Bronx Mowgli is 16 it’ll take a decade of back-breaking labour just to afford to fill a car with enough petrol to get to the shops and it’d no longer be economically viable.

Either that or because everyone at BMW thinks that Fall Out Boy are a pile of shit. Both theories are perfectly acceptable.

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But not even the biggest advocates of Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz’s thundering lunk-headedness could have been prepared for the sheer life-ruining awfulness of the name that they’ve chosen for the son that Ashlee gave birth to yesterday. Ladies and gentlemen, may we introduce you to little Bronx Mowgli Wentz.

But don’t think that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz chose the name Bronx Mowgli Wentz on a whim – three weeks ago Pete Wentz told Ryan Seacrest that they wanted to meet the baby before they settled on a name. So presumably Bronx Mowgli looks like a cartoon gargoyle and he’ll be raised by animals. We don’t think we need to verbalise what we’re all thinking, do you?

We’re not exactly pregnancy experts, but it’s a fair assumption that Ashlee Simpson’s new baby boy is going to take over the world and as a precaution we should all start digging bunkers in our gardens or nearest municipal open space as quickly as possible.

It only makes sense. By our calculations, Ashlee Simpson was pregnant with Pete Wentz’s baby for the best part of a decade, and that means that the baby probably became so prenatally developed that we expect it looked like naked Arnold Schwarzenegger from the start of Terminator by the time it was born yesterday. As our dear old granny used to say, never trust a baby that’s bigger than you, especially when it’s half-emo.

That’s right – after months of outright lies about how pregnant she was, Ashlee Simpson last night gave birth to her first baby. That’s not particularly a big surprise – Ashlee Simpson has been so baby-logged for the last few weeks that those around her have been quite openly discussing the possibility of inducing labour, and even Pete Wentz tried to scare the baby out by singing at it – but now the baby is here. E! Online reports:

Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and her rocker hubby Pete Wentz welcomed son Bronx Mowgli Wentz, their first child together, Thursday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. The baby boy weighed in at 7 pounds, 11 ounces and measured 20 1/2 inches. “Ashlee, Pete and baby Bronx are all healthy and happy, and thank everyone for their well wishes,” a rep for the couple told People.

Ah yes, Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson have chosen to call the baby Bronx Mowgli. How could we forget? Maybe in days to come we’ll discover exactly why Ashlee and Pete chose to name their first son Bronx Mowgli, but for now we’d imagine it’s down to one of three reasons:

1 - Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz both decided to give the baby a name each, with Ashlee picking the name of a symbolically wide-eyed and innocent literary figure and Pete Wentz opting for the name of the band behind classic pop hits such as Shitty Future and Rape Zombie.

2 - Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz decided that the ‘Location + Disney Character’ baby-naming system would be a formula that could easily be reused for any other children they have, which is why Bronx Mowgli’s siblings will be called Chicago Pumbaa and Titty Ho Tramp.

3 - Both Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are actually mental and they hate their baby.

Of course, we’re only joking. It’s obvious why Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz decided to give their firstborn child a name as stupid as Bronx Mowgli. It’s because the child will be so obsessed with trying to work out what in the hell his parents were thinking when they named him that he’ll never get round to counting back nine months from his birthday and working out that his mother and father only got married because daddy knocked mummy up by accident and felt obligated to marry her out of a gnawing sense of guilt.

Clever Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz. They’re always one step ahead.

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But it’s never too late to start. So how about this – Pete Wentz, the pointy-haired emo tosswump and the father of Ashlee Simpson’s unborn baby, has declared himself unofficial musical director of the pregnancy and often sings to the baby in its mother’s womb.

It sounds sweet, but you shouldn’t be so easily fooled – for starters Pete Wentz only sings to his baby now because he knows it hasn’t developed the ability to jam its fingers into its ears yet. Also, in retrospect we might have given you the wrong idea – Pete Wentz doesn’t so much enjoy ’singing to his unborn baby’ as ’screaming up Ashlee Simpson’s tumpsy’. We assume.

It can’t be long before Ashlee Simpson gives birth, surely. We’ve lost count of how long she’s been pregnant for, so let’s do some backwards maths and find out. Pete Wentz proposed to Ashlee Simpson back in April, and we know now that he only did that because he accidentally knocked her up and then started to panic about it, so that’s, what, five months?

Christ, really? Ashlee Simpson’s still got another four months of pregnancy to go? That’s depressing. Not for us, you understand – in fact, every second without a magazine coverstory about those two Manga-haired wazzocks and their newborn baby is like an eternity in heaven for us – but for the kid itself.

Why? Because at least once its been born the baby can hide or crawl off or carjack a bus or whatever it takes to get away from Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson. Right now it’s trapped with them.

Worse still, the baby is encased in a chamber of amniotic fluid inside Ashlee Simpson at the moment. That means that, while it might be mildly irritating for you when Ashlee Simpson prattles on about nothing all the time, for the baby it’s like being trapped in a swimming pool with the wave machine turned on. That’s tantamount to abuse, surely.

But if that’s not enough, the baby also has to listen to Pete Wentz actually singing at it. Wentz has been speaking to People about the musical direction he’s taking the pregnancy in:

“That’s probably going to be all up to Ashlee – what she picks,” Wentz said. “I couldn’t be like, ‘Oh, you’re going through labor, here’s the music I want you to listen to.’ So, it’s whatever she picks.”  That may include his own vocals. Wentz said he sings to the baby “late at night …. Baby’s gotten a couple lullabies.”

Which is all well and good, save for a couple of salient points. First off, Pete Wentz is only the bassist in Fall Out Boy, which means that he’s either got a voice like a burning monkey enclosure or he’s only singing the basslines to the lullabies. Either way, the baby loses.

Secondly, Pete Wentz needs to look out for the latter stages of the third trimester. That’s notoriously when unborn babies start to rebel, so he shouldn’t be surprised if his kid renounces Fall Out Boy as bland pop rubbish and starts getting into My Chemical Romance instead soon.

Whenever that’s said, you know if would be amusing for someone to stand up and say something – be it someone screaming: “I’m pregnant with his child!” or: “he’s a wife beater!” or even the ever-popular: "he gave me some kind of incurable VD on his stag night, and he's quite possibly a vampire!"

Top pop mimer Ashlee Simpson must have been wondering where those people were at her recent wedding, though she probably didn't expect the holding-of-the-peace to be broken by her new husband. Hubby Pete Wentz has only gone and said that he used to indulge in a bit of man love, or holding-of-the-piece, as it were.

But before everyone accuses him of being trapped in the closet, he says it was done as a form of 'sexual rebellion', whatever that means.

Throughout the course of history it’s well documented that various people in society have rebelled: back in the early 1900’s, crazy Emmeline Pankhurst and her gang of suffragettes battled for the female UK vote, Martin Luther King also fought (and died) for the right for black people to vote. These people tried to make a difference in a world they saw as patently unfair, in whatever way they could. What Pete Wentz has achieved through tonguing a couple of his own kind is beyond us.

Perhaps he did it as a part of dare when playing spin the bottle, or maybe he just wants to look a bit harder then he is. However, he doesn’t help himself anymore when he refers to himself as 'half gay'.  Umm, unless it’s us, isn’t that someone who's bi-sexual, like the worldwide superstar Tila Tequila? You know someone who loves boys and girls equally and just wants to spread love like butter on a hot piece of toast?

Of the monumentous revelation, Wentz said:

“When I said that I make out with dudes, there was a slight sense of sexual rebellion in that.”

Grr, you go get them tiger!

He did! Pete Wentz did only marry Ashlee Simpson because he accidentally knocked her up and then felt bound by guilt and duty to quickly marry her and hope that nobody would notice. By which we mean Ashlee Simpson is pregnant! Definitely pregnant!

It was never really a very well-kept secret, but apparently Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson hadn’t confirmed the pregnancy before because of fears for the unborn baby. But now it’s out in the open Pete and Ashlee can totally start their hardball negotiations for magazine photoshoots and baby hair straightener product endorsement deals and shit.

Babies are truly magical things. Magical bundles of noise and poo who only grow up to resent you, then move out and never call except for maybe on your birthday if they remember. But maybe that’s something we should let Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson discover for themselves, because they’re about to discover exactly that.

The cat and mouse game where we were the cat and Ashlee Simpson’s pulsating uterus was the unpleasant mouse has now come to an end. Sure, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz put up a good fight, spinning out ridiculous lie after ridiculous lie like ‘Ashlee Simpson isn’t pregnant‘ and ‘I like to keep some things private‘ and ‘we’re getting married because we love each other‘ – but biology has won out in the end.

Because, before it becomes obvious and Ashlee Simpson starts waddling around everywhere in a bad mood because her back hurts and she keeps accidentally pissing herself, she and Pete Wentz have decided to officially confirm the pregnancy by leaving this statement on a website:

“While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child. This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family.”

Of course, waiting until the first trimester has passed before making an announcement is the received protocol for a pregnancy, because that’s statistically the most dangerous time for an unborn child. It’s just bad luck that the news was mysteriously leaked around the time that Pete Wentz developed a startled panicky look in his eye and bundled Ashlee Simpson through a sudden engagement into a suspiciously last-minute wedding. We’ll never know how the secret got out.

But this still means that Ashlee Simpson still has six months of pregnancy left, which is plenty of time to make preparations before the baby’s birth. And by ‘preparations’ we obviously mean ‘let Joe Simpson get ready to push it through a merciless childhood-stealing cycle of training and auditions to the obvious detriment of every other aspect of its life’. It’s the Simpson way, we hear.

Still, congratulations to Pete Wentz and especially Ashlee Simpson, who now has six months of explosive uncontrollable tantrums and screaming “Fuck OFF! Can’t you see I’m PREGNANT?” at everyone who comes within 20 feet of her to look forward to. Golden times.

But it wasn’t. The only thing that brought Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson together was love, along with a deep-seated suspicion that at least one of them was pregnant. And to prove it, Pete Wentz has graciously gone public and started spouting off about the sweet pre-nup he got before his wedding.

Phew, at least this means that when Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson invariably get divorced at some point in the next 18 months, the only assets they’ll have to divide will be their earnings from whatever godawful reality TV show they’re bound to want to make soon.

Sweet baby Moses but we’d like to sew up the mouths of the entire Simpson family and anyone affiliated with the Simpson family and lock them all in a cellar. Every day it’s something new with them – either a marriage or an oppressive show of personality or a relationship that won’t die no matter how hard we hit it in the head. And it’s not going to stop yet. Oh no, not while we’re still showing signs of free will for them to trample all over.

Today in the Simpson family saga, we switch back to the Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding. Yes, Ashlee and Pete are a happy couple – definitely in the top 50 cutest emo bassist/ pointless Z-grade pop singer couples of the last year or so – but they still haven’t answered the most pressing question surrounding their marriage.

The pregnancy question? Don’t be silly, that’s boring. We mean that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson haven’t discussed whether they signed a prenuptial agreement prior to their wedding. We just can’t wait to find out how those crazy kids have corrupted the sanctity of marriage by making legal provisions for the division of assets in the event of the couple’s divorce along with any rights to spousal support during or after the dissolution of their union.

Oh, we’ve teased you for long enough – here’s what Pete Wentz has said on the matter, according to the New York Daily News:

“We have signed a pre-nup,” Simpson’s new hubby, Pete Wentz, said on Ryan Seacrest’s KIIS-FM radio show Tuesday. The singer and her Fall Out Boy beau tied the knot Saturday in California. According to Wentz, he and Ashlee are skipping the honeymoon and shacking up in their basement in Los Angeles. “We got some blow-up palm trees, a little fake ‘n’ bake tanning booth,” he said. “We’re eating DiGiorno’s pizza … it’s great.”

Wow, who’d have thought that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson would… oh, you seem to have fallen asleep, apparently out of boredom. OK, we’ll leave you be. But we’ll be back tomorrow with even more hot Simpson/ Wentz news. Unless we decide to throw ourselves under a train instead, which would probably be preferable.

Read more:

Pete Wentz: ‘We have signed a pre-nup’ – NYDN

But maybe you really do think that the Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding was the wedding of the year. Maybe you genuinely believe that the love between Ashlee and Pete is deep and genuine and true and pure and everlasting. Maybe, in other words, you’re an idiot.

If so then you’ll want to read on, because a whole bunch of new Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding secrets have got out. And, somewhat brilliantly, they all seem to involve Ashlee’s overbearing father Joe Simpson, who was so heavily involved in the whole shebang that you can’t help but sense his disappointment that it wasn’t him getting married to his own 23-year-old daughter. Possibly.

It was the wedding that everyone’s been looking forward to since they realised that it would momentarily distract them from their own inevitable death – Saturday’s Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding. Literally, the wedding was an all-time gold standard for weddings between easily-replaceable members of bands we don’t like and women who we only know because they’re related to excavator-jawed reality TV idiots that only take place because of an accidental unplanned pregnancy.

And what a wedding it was – kept top secret until the last minute just to make it seem more important than it actually was, Pete and Ashlee’s wedding had an Alice In Wonderland theme, where all the guests were deliberately induced with psychoactive micropsia just to make the whole blasted thing more bearable.

What did Ashlee Simpson wear to her wedding? Truth be told we don’t care. Did either Ashlee Simpson or Pete Wentz have the joyful newlywed look about them at any point? We don’t care about that either. We don’t care because it turns out that Joe Simpson, Ashlee Simpson’s father and our new favourite person in the whole world, somehow made the entire wedding about him.

How? E! Online tells you how:

“It was magical and beautiful,” says the guest, who termed the whole affair “The Joe Simpson Show.” After escorting Ashlee down the aisle, Joe Simpson regaled the 100-plus guests with funny and touching stories of his daughter before performing the brief ceremony himself. The elder Simpson got choked up throughout the ceremony, as did Ashlee and Jessica. “They were all crying,” says the source. “It was very moving.”

Genius. Joe Simpson escorted Ashlee Simpson down the aisle, then rushed around and actually performed the wedding ceremony, which was held in his own backyard. Presumably there was a father of the bride speech as well, and we hear that the entire wedding reception entertainment consisted of Joe Simpson muttering to himself through a microphone in a corner.

Of course, we should have seen this coming – word has it that the wedding invites read ‘Joe Simpson presents Joe Simpson and the Joe Simpson family inviting you to the wedding of Joe Simpson’s daughter and Joe Simpson’s future son-in-law. Brought to you in association with Joe Simpson Joe Simpson Joe Simpson fear me fear me (ceremony conducted by Joe Simpson)’.

Joe Simpson’s having quite the time of it lately – not only has has been accused of splitting up Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo but he’s also been the main man at his youngest daughter’s wedding too. Truly, Ashlee Simpson’s wedding has to rank among the happiest days of Joe Simpson’s life, at least until science uncovers a way to create a exact female replica of Joe Simpson that Joe Simpson can marry in front of a congregation of alarmingly-aroused Joe Simpson clones in a church that’s an exact scale replica of Joe Simpson’s own rotating face. But this’ll do until then.

Read more:

Inside Ashlee and Pete’s Wedding – E! Online

They swapped declarations of love and commitment in front of close friends and family yesterday during a fairytale wedding ceremony (it was Alice in Wonderland themed) and Ashlee chose to reveal her pregnancy to everyone at the reception, OK! Magazine reported.

Barely a month has passed since Ashlee announced her engagement to Wentz. Barely a month has passed since the pregnancy rumours started. Back then Pete Wentz said this:

There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood. This is all news to me.

Oh yeah, hecklerspray knows how to hunt down a witch!

We are so good at witch hunts! Let’s try another one: Ashlee Simpson to have an abortion? No, unfortunately, we probably won’t catch that one. Sorry God, it’s over to you.

Poor old Pete Wentz; one minute you’re a single guy in a world famous rock band with endless possibilities ahead of you, having your merry way with a myriad of mentally malnourished girls; the next you’re stuck with just one of those girls, in a legally bound cage, for at least the next 18 years.

What does this signal for the future of humanity? Could this be the end of the band? Will this be the end to Fall Out Boy? Where’s Radioactive Man when you need him? With any luck he’ll be taking his radioactive powers to a gynaecologist near you but, having said that, if ever there was a moral reason to bring another hungry mouth into this world then the destruction of Fall Out Boy would be it.

A spokesperson for the couple told People.com:

We’re delighted to confirm that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson were married this evening in front of family and close friends

Ashlee Simpson’s big sister Jessica attended with Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo (to any UK folk reading, Tony Romo is a man who throws an inflatable egg to other men for money, like Jonny Wilkinson but with padding and tighter pants) and was maid of honour, whilst Pete’s bulldog Hemingway acted as ring bearer.

Ernest Hemingway, who we assume the dog is named after, was of course married four times before he killed himself.

Three cheers for Pete And Ashlee!

Read More – Ashlee Simpson Confirms Pregnancy At Her Wedding, eFlux Media

And it’s a good job that everyone loves that, because it’s been reported that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are going to get married this very Saturday. We know! It clashes with Norwegian Constitution Day! We’re so torn!

But what about the details of this Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz marriage extravaganza? Has it been officially confirmed? No. Where will it be held? We don’t know. Does this mean that Pete Wentz definitely knocked Ashlee Simpson up? Probably. What if he hasn’t? Then they’re both idiots. How long will this marriage last, anyway? Probably like a week, maybe.

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are probably the most adorable couple who you couldn’t give a sloppy plop about in the world right now. But it’s OK that you don’t care whether Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz live or die, because the love they have for each other is personal and private and special and sacred. We know this because they’re all over every single bloody magazine and TV show telling us how private their relationship is all the time, so it must be true.

So keen are Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz to keep their love private, in fact, that nobody even knows if Ashlee Simpson is pregnant or not. Although Pete Wentz says she isn’t, reports say she is and Ashlee herself is all like “It’s a secret,” and “It’s personal,” and “Hey, buy my new album.” And this level of frankly unnecessary secrecy even extends to their wedding.

According to reports in US Weekly, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are getting married this Saturday at a location so top-secret that guests are going to be blindfolded, injected with muscle relaxant, spun around for 15 minutes and then driven to the venue on the back of a old-fashioned donkey cart while blasts of white noise are fired into their terrified drooping faces just so it stays as private as they want:

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz will wed Saturday, May 17 at a “top secret” location, a source close to the couple told Usmagazine.com. “Proper invites have not been sent out but instead guests have been given a save the date notice,” the source told Us. On Saturday, “all guests will be transported in shuttles to the wedding location,” the source explained. Regarding Simpson’s upcoming wedding, her spokesperson told Us: “This is a private matter. There is nothing to confirm.”

So, since the spokespeople are acting so cagey, we should really ask the question: Are Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz really getting married on Saturday at all? And the answer is: We don’t care, and you’re a terrible person if you care.

This is Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz we’re talking about here – the sister of a mildly famous person and the third most important member of a hopeless pop punk band.

If one of them got their jaw kicked off by an angry cow, it’d be hard to bring ourselves to care, so a marriage is hardly going to rock our world, is it?

Still, though, you have to admit that all this secrecy is a little exciting – it’s like the Mariah Carey/Nick Cannon wedding only more thunderingly pointless and even more likely to end in a soul-raping VH-1 reality TV show.

Read more:

Source: Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz Will Marry This Saturday - US

And, even though most people wouldn’t even give a soggy fart about Ashlee Simpson’s unborn baby even if was 300 feet tall and had lasers for eyes, it hasn’t stopped Ashlee Simpson from going on TV and being all like ‘maybe I am, maybe I’m not’ some more in the vain hope that all this pointless teasing will sell some more copies of her album.

It’s a tactic that Ashlee Simpson has clearly spent a lot of time thinking about. More than one second, in fact. So it goes without saying that she should be drowned. We don’t make the rules.

Pregnancy is a such a personal thing that no woman should be forced to talk about it in public – unless they’re Jessica Alba, because she comes out with some hilarious shit sometimes. But if a woman doesn’t want to discuss her pregnancy in public, apparently it still means they’re allowed to talk discuss the idea of their pregnancy in public so often that even their potential unborn children get so sick of hearing it that they try to strangle themselves with the own umbilical cord.

Yes, Ashlee Simpson, we’re looking at you. After her sudden engagement to Fall Out Boy glockenspielist Pete Wentz a fortnight ago, word immediately got around that Pete only proposed because Ashlee Simpson was super pregnant with a bundle of little emo babies. And that’s where the confusion started.

First Pete Wentz denied that Ashlee Simpson is pregnant, and then someone said that actually Ashlee Simpson is pregnant. All the while Ashlee maintained the public stance that a woman’s right to try and promote her new album with a tired old pregnancy rumour was sacred.

And so to Ashlee Simpson’s appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, to be broadcast today. Could Ellen finally uncover the truth about Ashlee Simpson’s ovaries, or would it just be another lame excuse for Ashlee Simpson to try and whip up public speculation so she could get in more magazines than she already is? You have a guess. People reports:

When asked directly, “Are you or are you not pregnant?” Simpson demurred: “Well, that has been going on for quite a while. That is something that I choose personally not to discuss.” She then skillfully changed the subject. “Do I look like I had 10 cheeseburgers or something?” she asked the audience, standing up to show her still-slim figure. “Because I don’t think I do.”

No, Ashlee, you don’t look as if you’ve had 10 cheeseburgers. You look like an idiot who won’t shut up.

Honestly, Ashlee Simpson had better be pregnant after all of this, because her fans just aren’t going to stand for being messed around with. You can’t just exploit various aspects of your personal life for material gain and expect to come out of it unscathed. It’s not like anyone in Ashlee Simpson’s family is stupid enough to do that, is it?

Oh.

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Ashlee Simpson Dodges Pregnancy Questions – Again – People

If you thought the rumours about Ashlee Simpson’s pregnancy were put to bed when her fiance Pete Wentz called them ‘crazy’ earlier in the week are true, then think again. It’s been reported that Ashlee Simpson really is pregnant all along and that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson want to get married as soon as possible before she gets all swollen and crap.

But why did Pete Wentz say Ashlee Simpson wasn’t pregnant when she really was? Was he telling the truth, making up a barefaced lie or is he just a bit stupid? We wouldn’t like to say, but let’s not forget that he is in Fall Out Boy, so the stupidity option probably shouldn’t be discounted.

When Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz suddenly got engaged last week, it was hard not to get a little bit misty-eyed about it all. After all, the dictionary definition of romance literally is ‘rushing into a shotgun marriage with someone because you accidentally got her pregnant and now you feel dutybound to adhere to an outmoded convention by a desperate sense of guilt.’

That’s because the instant Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson got engaged, the pregnancy rumours started to zap around. They made a lot of sense, too, because neither Pete Wentz or Ashlee Simpson were at the age that you’d need to be to realise that Pete Wentz or Ashlee Simpson was the best you could do.

However, yesterday Pete Wentz denied Ashlee Simpson’s pregnancy to the world. In fact, Pete Wentz more than denied it – he likened the speculation to a witch hunt, called it ‘crazy’ and said that he couldn’t wait for the rumours about him being gay as well. Which is odd, because Pete’s denial has only made the pregnancy speculation stronger, especially since Ashlee Simpson won’t deny that it’s true. People reports:

Ashlee Simpson is pregnant and plans to get married next month at a private residence in Southern California, a source close to her family tells PEOPLE… On Tuesday, Simpson sidestepped the rumors during an interview with MTV after taping TRL in New York, saying simply, “Some things you want to keep personal.” And now the source tells PEOPLE that not only is Simpson pregnant, but that she’s planning to have her wedding in May at a friend’s house.

However, at the moment it’s the word of Pete Wentz against the word of an unnamed source, so nobody can say for sure if Ashlee Simpson really is pregnant or not. Maybe Pete Wentz was right when he said that there was no baby. But then again, maybe he was wrong.

And if Ashlee Simpson really is pregnant – and Pete Wentz said that the speculation was a witch hunt – then it’s pretty much conclusive proof that witch hunts work. If anything, Pete Wentz is urging us to go on even more witch hunts. Literal witch hunts for actual witches.

Admittely we could just wait a few months to see if Ashlee Simpson is displaying any signs of pregnancy, or we could just start setting suspicious-looking women on fire because we think they’re witches immediately. Whichever one Pete Wentz wants us to do, we’ll do.

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Source: Ashlee Simpson Pregnant, Planning Wedding for May – People

Alright, not exactly that, but Ashlee Simpson definitely isn’t pregnant, and Pete Wentz has lashed out at the media for saying she is by calling it a ‘witch hunt’ – which seems more like a cruel jibe at the expense of Ashlee Simpson’s nose than a clever comment about celebrity culture, really.

But anyway, the point is that Ashlee Simpson isn’t pregnant and Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson didn’t just get engaged because he knocked her up accidentally. Which means that Pete Wentz must be marrying Ashlee Simpson for something other than a sense of misplaced guilt. Weird.

You have every reason to fear a baby created by Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy and Ashlee Simpson. Just look at them – look at how sharp their hair looks. That hair hasn’t been straightened – it’s genetic.

And if Pete Wentz’s abnormally sharp hair gene and Ashlee Simpson’s abnormally sharp hair gene were to combine, there’s a strong chance that the resulting unborn baby’s ultra-sharp, ultra-straight haircut would pierce Ashlee Simpson’s abdominal wall and stab her to death from the inside. It’d basically be an Omen-style scenario, but about haircuts.

Anyway, you don’t have to worry about that, because Ashlee Simpson isn’t pregnant. True, Ashlee and Pete may have just got engaged, but that doesn’t have to mean that she’s got a tiny curled-up emo baby living in her belly. If you believe that Ashlee Simpson is pregnant, Pete Wentz says that you’re nothing but a victim of the culture of lies perpetuated by the mainstream media to suppress your independent thought, or something. People reports:

Pete Wentz is addressing rumors that fiancée Ashlee Simpson is pregnant, calling it a “witch hunt” in an email. “There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood,” he wrote to MTV News Monday. “This is all news to me. I can’t wait for the story about how I’m really in a gay relationship and this is all just a cover … I mean really, this is crazy … I mean we’re engaged, that’s true, and happy about it.”

You heard it hear first, folks – Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy is in a gay relationship and his engagement to Ashlee Simpson is all just a cover. The man said so himself.

Anyway, it might seem like a stupid exaggeration to call speculation about Ashlee Simpson’s womb a ‘witch hunt’ but actually it does bear some truth – back in 1450 witches were often hunted by the publishing of false pregnancy rumours in weekly magazines. Well, pregnancy rumours and ‘Top 100 Witch Bikini Body Secrets Revealed!’ features.

But all you really need to take from this is that Ashlee Simpson isn’t pregnant. And if you think that she is then Pete Wentz will find you. He’ll find you and he’ll hunt you down like a witch. Like a witch!

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Pete Wentz: Pregnancy Rumors a ‘Witch Hunt’ – People

Some have reacted with disgust that their pretty little Ashlee Simpson could fall for such a whiny-looking twerp. Others have reacted with disgust that their emo hero Pete Wentz could for such a gormless pop twonk. Other really couldn’t care less either way. Most people really couldn’t care less either way.

Not Jessica Simpson, though. Harnessing the skills that have built up her reputation as a fearless innovator, Jessica Simpson has inexplicably decided to be pleased for Ashlee and Pete – marking the first time in history that a woman has been pleased that another woman is getting married.

It’s easy to see why Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy fell in love – after all, she’s got a new nose and an oddly-spelled name and he’s the bassist who plays the bass in that band with the bass parts that he plays himself on a bass guitar. It’s literally an irresistable combination.

And, following the news that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are engaged, this irresistablityness has rubbed off on those closest to the couple. OK, those closest to Ashlee Simpson – Pete Wentz’s nearest and dearest haven’t learnt to form sentences yet and, besides, they aren’t famous so their opinions aren’t worth a soggy fart.

Basically, Jessica Simpson has decided to talk about Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz getting engaged. Emerging from the St Gary’s Convalescent Centre For The Unfortunately Stinky-Pissed, Jessica Simpson spoke of her happiness at the news of the engagement and, as People reports, actually came off sounding quite creepy:

“My sister is overflowing with joy. Pete is an incredible soul. They naturally bring out the best in each other. I couldn’t be happier.”

Ashlee Simpson couldn’t be luckier that she’s got Jessica Simpson as a sister. Jessica will be able to give Ashlee all the support and advice that she needs in the run-up to the wedding, like insights on how to get the best reality TV show deal from the marriage and how to not get divorced until at least two months after said reality TV show gets cancelled to stop people thinking it was nothing more than a big publicity-seeking sham. Invaluable.

So, hey, if Ashlee Simpson is happy and Jessica Simpson is happy, then what about old Daddy Joe Simpson? Guess what – he’s happy too:

“[Pete] did ask me. I told him that I would be honored to have him as part of my family.”

Honoured, but only so long as he promises to has cosmetic work done on his breasts first. Ain’t nobody in the Simpson clan gonna have baby ta-tas, male or female!

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Jessica Simpson ‘Couldn’t Be Happier’ for Ashlee and Pete – People