Ashlee Simpson, Jenny McCarthy, and Gabrielle Union all became official “Mrs'” this weekend to their equally unimportant significant others.?? Not that any wedding would really matter after BRANGELINA tied the knot, but these were all super blah to read about.
But man can I just say, there is nothing more annoying than people planning big ass shit you feel obligated to go to during long weekends.? Like I want to spend my relaxing 3 day weekend at your wedding, pay a buttload of money in the form of a gift, just to eat some under-seasoned chicken and potatoes.? I really have to change out of my yoga pants for this shit? Come on.
Let’s start off with the seriously least interesting celebrity wedding to occur this Labor Day weekend.? Ashlee Simpson got married a second time, this go around to Evan Ross.? For those not aware of who he is, he is yet another celebuspawn who is only famous because of his mother, the legendary queen B, Diana Ross.? Now a step daddy to 5 year old, 26 year old Evan Ross is going to be living the life.? At least him and Ashlee can continue to bond over being the less talented and successful member of a famous family.
As a side note, apparently son Bronx Mowgli (I still can’t with that name) walked Ashlee down the aisle.?? Hmm, no Papa Joe Simpson doing his traditional duties?? I know he is still trying to pretend he hasn’t dropped his rosary and gone to the gay side, but the fact that neither one of his daughters wanted him sashaying down the aisle with them at their weddings speaks volumes.? Since Ashlee didn’t grace the guests with her beautiful 70 year old chain smoker voice, there is not much else to bother with about this function.
Next up, Jenny McCarthy got married to the not hot Wahlberg brother, Donnie.? Like the classy broad she is, McCarthy picked a gown that showed off her only real talents and reminded every female in attendance that a good supportive bra never goes out of style.? They married in Illinois, because why not?? Guests included Sherri Shepard and all the other members of the New Kids on the Block.? I haven’t read anything about the group singing, but any wedding that includes all 5 members of NKOTB and no perfectly choreographed?performance of?The Right Stuff, is a fucking travesty, in my?opinion.
A side note for this wedding, even Marky Mark himself couldn’t care less about his brother marrying this dumbass, because he was persona non grata.? He cared enough to Instagram a little video with his wife and kids though.? Um, excuse me Mark, you got Transformers money now.? A 30 second instant video does not pay for Botox or lip injections.? Your ass better have sent a card too with a nice check inside or wait for the wrath of uninformed Jenny McCarthy to turn a bunch of dumbass women against you with made up facts and figures!
Finally, Gabrielle Union married Dwyane Wade this weekend.? Now, I know I offended some of you up there with my comment about equally uninteresting spouses.? I get it, Wade plays basketball really well or some shit.? I don’t do sports.? I do gossip.? And all I know about Wade is that he supposedly started banging Union before his marriage was up, and now his ex wife is constantly going public with shady shit Dwyane does to her.? Oh, and that he pulled a Ross Geller 2.0 by not only banging another chick while he and Gabrielle were on a break, but going the extra step further in knocking her the hell up.? Union is not stupid though, she knows BBall dough is way better than Bring It On revenue will ever be, so she of course forgave him.
I have no side note for this other than to say my spell check really hates Dwyane’s mother for not knowing how the fuck to spell Dwayne.? Oh, and that the couple had John Legend sing, which means expect a lot of babies to be born in 9 months.? That man’s voice just begs for procreation.