People used to watch Miss Universe for one reason – because they were gruesome, sweaty-balled perverts.
But that’s no longer the case. The internet’s now the natural home of gruesome, sweaty-balled perverts – and yet beauty pageants like Miss Universe are still popular. Why? It’s simple – because people like to see stupid young women in bikinis fall over and blather incoherently and offend entire swathes of the population.
Yesterday’s Miss Universe was won by Stefania Fernandez from Venezuela, who didn’t fall over, fail to speak her own language with any conviction or declare that homosexuals were immoral. We want our money back.
There was a time when we believed that beauty pageants were an anachronism, a deliberately patronising effort to keep women in their place by treating them like poodles at a dog show. But not any more. Over the last few years, beauty pageants have got brilliant. They’re less about who looks nicest in swimwear and more about guessing which contestant is going to make the biggest arse of herself.
Could it be Ms South Carolina and her mangled English? Could it be Miss USA and her booze-fuelled promiscuous drug orgies? Or the other Miss USA who fell over and got booed by Mexicans? Or the Miss Puerto Rico who claimed that she’d been attacked with pepper spray even though she hadn’t? Or our old friend Carrie Prejean and her semi-naked mistrust of the gays?
Miss Universe 2009 took place yesterday and, given that it featured a collection of vapour-headed pretty idiots from around the entire universe, it should have provided YouTube with countless trainwreck moments. But it didn’t. In fact, the nearest that Miss Universe came to controversy was when it was won by Stefania Fernandez, the second Venezuelan in as many years. Reuters reports:
Venezuelan Stefania Fernandez won the Miss Universe 2009 title, giving her South American country its second consecutive win and its sixth title in the beauty pageant… In the deciding questions, Fernandez was asked by a judge what obstacles faced women seeking to become leaders of business corporations. “We’ve already reached the same level as men,” she replied confidently.
We believe that last sentence was prematurely cut off. We think it meant to say ‘”We’ve already reached the same level as men,” she replied confidently. While wearing a bikini. With her teeth smeared with Vaseline. On a stage. In front of men. Who’d been paid to decide whether or not she was prettier than some other girls. And who weren’t wearing bikinis and hadn’t smeared Vaseline all over their teeth. Because they were men, and didn’t really need to’.
But that doesn’t matter. It might have been utterly, brain-haemorrhagingly tedious, but congratulations to Stefania Fernandez for winning Miss Universe. And congratulations to Venezuala for winning two Miss Universes in a row. And congratulations to planet Earth, for winning its 57th Miss Universe in a row. Better luck next time, inhabitants of Qualzari 32.
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Tia says
Well,she did fail to speak her own language. Luckly the judges didn’t speak Spanish and the translator undertood what she was saying.I am happy and proud she won,I am from Venezuela but again we just saw a beautiful girl transformed by the magic hands of Venezuela’s most talented plastic surgeons and that is not fair , many people here wish to watch a natural beauty win that contest.
Karla says
LOL!!! My hometown Qualzari 32 will win someday! lol