Up until recently, Ingrid Marie Rivera was the bravest woman in all the world for the way she fearlessly won the Puerto Rican Miss Universe qualifier despite having her clothes and make-up doused in all sorts of pepper spray.
Except it turns out that she probably didn't. The forensic police investigation into Ingrid Marie Rivera's claims that a rival has sabotaged her efforts to become next year's Miss Universe by dumping a bunch of pepper spray into her belongings has not uncovered a single trace of pepper spray. That means that, if Ingrid Marie Rivera is found to have provided false information to police, she could face a felony charge. But, even worse than that, this news means that the prettiest girl in Puerto Rico now has a face that's naturally very slightly puffy sometimes. How will the country ever recover from a blow like that?
Having seen both Miss Congeniality and, under duress, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed And Fabulous, we feel we're world experts on the inner mechanisms of the beauty pageant scene. For instance, it's a little-known fact that in every beauty competition there's a dowdy-at-heart FBI agent on the trail or a murderer or a terrorist or whatnot who thinks she's far, far funnier than she actually is. But the FBI agent at the recent Puerto Rican Miss Universe qualifier must have been caught napping, because there's been all sorts of nonsense going down there.
You'll remember that last week Ingrid Marie Rivera won the Miss Puerto Rico leg of Miss Universe despite having to run offstage to apply ice to her face every few minutes because someone had sabotaged her clothes and make-up with pepper spray. In a country like Puerto Rico where beauty pageants are taken so seriously that women are often made to wear chains, there was an outcry. Who could have done such a cruel thing to beautiful Ingrid Marie Rivera? Who?
Well, nobody by the look of it. Puerto Rico's Forensic Sciences Institute did a thorough test on Ingrid Marie Rivera's clothes and make-up, and no traces of pepper spray turned up at all. In the words of police spokesman Stephen Alvarez:
"I guess she has a lot of explaining to do."
The pepper spray investigation continues, although the focus has shifted slightly from 'who sabotaged Miss Puerto Rico with pepper spray?' to 'who's been telling us a lot of bloody porkies, then?' If anyone is found to have provided false statements to the police, they could be pulled up on a felony charge.
As yet it isn't clear if the pepper spray story was just an invention by Ingrid Marie Rivera to undermine her opposition – Rivera maintains that she was sabotaged, by the way – but if she is found to have lied, who can blame her? After all, it just goes to show how much Ingrid Marie Rivera wants to be Miss Universe, and everything that goes with it – the humanitarian work, the nagging suspicion that you're undermining the work of the entire feminist movement, all the drugs, booze and sex you can eat, the pretty sash – and if it only takes acting like a paranoid sociopath fantasist to accomplish it, then so be it.
Plus if that's the case, we're a definite shoo-in for next year's Miss Puerto Rico crown.
Read more:
No Pepper Spray Found in Miss Puerto Rico Investigation – People