In many ways, they're both national treasures. On one hand you have Miss USA, famed for her flawless apple pie good looks and impeccable manners, and on the other hand you have crazy-haired bellowing rich bloke Donald Trump.
Neither Miss USA or Donald Trump appear to have particularly hard jobs – from what we've seen, Donald Trump has to read pre-scripted voice-overs unconvincingly, yell down mobile phones in a limousine and say "you're fired" with an increasing look of weariness on his face. On the other hand Miss USA has to turn up to stuff and wave. However, the current Miss USA Tara Conner would rather do other stuff than just wave – like hang out at bars all the time, have it off with any man she can find and snort so much cocaine that Donald Trump looks sure to fire her in the very near future. Oh, and wakeboarding.
It's hard to see what beauty contests are actually for these days, isn't it? It's clear that a competition objectifying women to a base superficial level where they are rewarded for looking pretty and being quietly deferential to men is a ridiculously outmoded thing to do; and also now that anyone with an internet connection can see what Britney Spears' minge looks like, watching 20 Vaseline-toothed gonks farting round a stage in ballgowns hardly counts in the cheap titillation stakes either. Beauty contests just can't win.
But if one man can save the beauty contest, it's Donald Trump. If Donald Trump can fire a succession of hateful grasping morons on The Apprentice, he can sure as hell look after a bunch of dollybirds in oversized swimwear. Donald Trump is the boss of both Miss USA and the chain-dress loving Miss Universe competition, and anyone who wants in has to play by his rules. Because Donald Trump is a hardass. Donald Trump sues writers for billions of dollars. Donald Trump fires his sour-faced colleagues. Donald Trump even gets Martha Stewart fired. So any goddamn pretty little simpering Miss USA wannabes better sing to his tune, or else he'll do a whole lot more of that angry finger-prodding he seems to be so good at.
This is a lesson that current Miss USA Tara Conner seems to be learning. As Miss USA, you're not really asked to do much more than smile a lot and stay out of trouble, but Tara Conner has already spazzed this up spectacularly, as the New York Post reports, complete with a quote from a man who is clearly an arsehole:
Conner – who hits the legal drinking age of 21 today – has been exposed as a hard-partying habitué of Big Apple clubs, where sources say she has worked her way through a long line of men while indulging an appetite for cocaine. "At Stereo [a Chelsea club], there wasn't anyone that didn't get a piece of Tara Conner, that didn't get a piece of Miss USA. That's how she rolled," said one night-life denizen who knows her.
See, we were right about that arsehole thing, weren't we. But oddly enough, Donald Trump doesn't seem to think that Tara Conner's drug-crazed man-rutting sits too well with how Miss USA is supposed to behave, and it looks like there's every chance that he's going to go medieval on her purdy ass:
"We have hundreds of thousands of young women around the world who look up to Miss USA and Miss Universe, and it's really important to set a high standard. There's no question that she's a party girl."
It's expected that tomorrow Donald Trump will decide if Tara Conner – who's hiding out at home in Kentucky with her parents – will be able to keep her Miss USA crown or whether it'll be passed on to someone more suitable. Someone like Lindsay Lohan.