The seemingly unstoppable climate change is something that taxes even the world's best-educated scientists, but they just don't listen to Sheryl Crow enough; because Sheryl Crow has linked climate change with bits of poo stuck up your arse.
Forget about introducing levies on industrial carbon emissions or higher global investment in renewable energies – Sheryl Crow has been doing the maths and has worked out that we'll all probably be OK if we all just use less toilet paper to clean the shit out of our arses. As weird as it seems, we think Sheryl Crow might be onto something here – as well as the obvious saving on toilet paper, a less thorough bumwipe would also quickly cure the problem of overpopulation, because we'll be buggered if we're going to sleep with anyone who's got a shitty arse.
Between frantically avoiding Lindsay Lohan's calls, Al Gore really set something off with his documentary An Inconvenient Truth. Even though it's basically a film about a Powerpoint presentation, An Inconvenient Truth won awards and finally woke up America – the five percent of the world's population that uses 26 percent of the world's energy – to the impending threat of climate change.
And now that it knows about climate change, Americans are doing all they can to prevent it. Well, some Americans. OK, pretty much just Sheryl Crow and Larry David's wife. And they're mainly going to do that by wiping their arses less. Sheryl Crow has put the pain of being dumped by the bike rider and getting cancer by hitting the road with Laurie David in a biodiesel van to tour colleges on a climate change roadshow. Admirable stuff, and refreshing to see a celebrity practise what they preach for once.
But, not content to trail around the country singing hits like The Na-Na Song and repeating the concepts and ideas of hardworking professional experts to students, Sheryl Crow has taken to her website to come up with some new ideas to put an end to climate change. Basically they involve walking around with a poo smear all over your buttocks:
"I propose a limitation be put on how many sqares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required."
However, that's not all. Sheryl Crow suspects that if you can't wipe your arse with toilet paper any more, you'll probably want to start stealing paper napkins to clean the crap out with. So she wants to ban those too:
"I have designed a clothing line that has what's called a "dining sleeve". The sleeve is detachable and can be replaced with another "dining sleeve," after usage. The design will offer the "diner" the convenience of wiping his mouth on his sleeve rather than throwing out yet another barely used paper product.. I think this idea could also translate quite well to those suffering with an annoying head cold."
From these ideas, we can guess that one of two things are happening. 1) Sheryl Crow is joking or 2) Sheryl Crow isn't joking at all and we'll all be wearing huge Crow-designed sleeves to clean up our mucky chops – and possibly our bottoms when nobody is looking – with by the year 2010.
Whatever you might think of Sheryl Crow's lunatic climate change proposals, we're going to do our bit and give them a go anyway. True, we'll probably lose our job, our friends and all sense of self-respect because we'll be traipsing round with shit hanging out of our arses all the time, but – hey – that's got to be better than paying £55 to go and see a Razorlight concert, right?
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