Forget everything else that happened in the news this week – even North Korea's imminent nuclear weapons test pales into insignificance next to this story about two pointless bimbettes having a scrap in a club.
Following the confusing reports that wonk-eyed struggling musician Paris Hilton and estranged wife of him from that crappy band Shanna Moakler had a bit of a rumble in an LA nightclub on Wednesday morning, revelations have started to pour out. Now – although Paris Hilton is claiming that Shanna Moakler punched her on her permanently slack jaw – Shanna Moakler is claiming that she didn't hit Paris Hilton at all, and that it was Paris Hilton's group who did all the damage to her. Either way, it looks like the cause of all this fighting is Travis Barker from Blink 182, who started kissing Paris Hilton in public straight after he split up with his wife Shanna Moakler. The ensuing fight is roughly the most attention anyone has given Travis Barker since the woman from the newsagents accidentally gave him slightly too much change for a copy of Whizzer And Chips once in 1982.
If there's one thing we love here more than stories about Paris Hilton urinating all up the insides of a taxi, it's stories about Paris Hilton fighting with people who stunningly manage to be even less worthy of our attention. That happened on Wednesday morning, when Paris Hilton and Shanna Moakler had a battle to the death that sadly fell through when neither of them actually died. Both Paris Hilton, who says that Shanna Moakler socked her on the jaw; and Shanna Moakler, who says that Paris Hilton's on-off boyfriend Stavros Niarchos threw a drink at her and pushed her down the stairs, have filed complaints of battery with the police. But that's no good, so everyone's taking the fight public, starting with recently-separated Shanna Moakler. According to the National Ledger:
"I absolutely didn't Punch Paris," the model told Extra. "I was assaulted and I put all the details in the police report for the authorities to handle properly." E! Online reports that another witness to the altercation, 'Dancing with the Stars' pro Cheryl Burke, has also spoken out in defence of the former contestant. "Well, all I know is Shanna did not punch Paris in the face…not even close," she told E! News. "Shanna's not that type of person at all." Burke went on to say that she also witnessed Niarchos push Shanna down the stairs and pour a drink over her head.
Meanwhile, Elliot Mintz – the slave who gets paid to defend everything from Paris Hilton drink-driving to Paris Hilton not selling any albums – has his own versions of event about the Shanna Moakler/Paris Hilton slugfest:
"(Shanna) shouted a barrage of obscenities and attacked her. She (Paris) called me right afterwards and told me that she did not need to go to the hospital, but that she would file a police report. I can't say for certain why this happened, but Shanna is known to be upset by rumours that Paris is dating Travis Barker. Those rumours are not true. They are not dating."
Maybe we'll never know exactly what happened when Paris Hilton and Shanna Moakler charged at each other head-first like a pair of rutting stags laying waste to everything around them – unless someone at the nightclub was smart enough to have thought of capturing the fight on their phone and then uploading it to YouTube – so the nearest thing to a recreation we can think of involves you going to any small-town pikey nightclub at any time ever and watching a couple of pissed-up council estate slags pull each other's hair and bottle each other in the face a lot.
[story by Stuart Heritage]