Rumours of a Sex And The City movie have been rife for years now, with women around the world impatiently waiting to see what four man-hating women sitting round a table in a variety of horrible clothes will look like on a cinema screen.
But now it looks like we're going to find out. Reports are suggesting that all four of the main Sex And The City actresses – Slaggy Spice, Prissy Spice, Horsey Spice And Ginger Spice – have finally agreed to star in the Sex And The City movie, with filming scheduled to commence in September. Personally we can't wait for the Sex And City movie to be released, but only because the premise of the Sex And The City TV show will have to be beefed up to become more cinematic, and we're hoping this manifests itself with an escaped grizzly bear mauling the sodding lot of them to death. Right at the start of film. Fingers crossed, eh.
Who couldn't possibly love Sex And The City? Who couldn't love watching Sarah Jessica Parker writing her funny little "you know, going on a date with a man is a lot like (insert entire contents of episode)" column, or Kim Cattrall desensitising everyone to the sight of her naked boobs so much that they may as well be made out of MDF, or either of the other two doing nothing at all ever. Now, imagine paying £8 to see all of that on a giant screen in a dark room full of people playing with their mobiles phones and jiggling their knees against the back of your chair – because that's what the Sex And The City movie is going to be.
The Sex And The City TV show was supposed to launch its four stars into the stratosphere, but that never really happened. Sarah Jessica Parker ended up as a perfume salesman and the star of miserable romantic comedy Failure To Launch, Cynthia Nixon decided she was a lesbian, Kristen Davis was named as the most beautiful woman in the world and Kim Cattrall… well, Kim Cattrall certainly became a big mover in the world of whoring herself out for Tetley Tea adverts. So now, somewhat inevitably, the Sex And The City gang are getting back together for a movie, as The Sun reports:
Sex And The City is finally destined for the big screen after all four stars agreed terms. Sarah Jessica Parker, Cynthia Nixon, Kristen Davis and Kim Cattrall are now on board for the much-anticipated film version, which will start shooting in September. Sarah Jessica Parker allegedly fell out with Kim Cattrall after the end of the series in 2004, when Kim scuppered movie plans by refusing to take part. But earlier this year, Kim, who played maneater Samantha Jones, hinted she would star in a film version.
Now we just have to sit back and wait to see what the Sex And The City movie will actually be about. While we imagine that the Sex And The City movie will include three or four lengthy, pun-filled tabletop discussions about why men are so awful, lots of tedious talk about shoes and Kim Cattrall's nipples making so many appearances that they'll have to be credited separately, the blood and guts of the plot will be a tough call – the show ran for over six years and 94 episodes, so many of the juiciest stories will have already been used up.
But here's a quick hint for the writers of the Sex And The City movie – why not let the film be about four women talking about how hard and jagged their constipated shit is? Just a thought.
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Internet Pedant says
My storyline tip is giant effing robots. Or at least Sarah Jessica Parker finally completing her horse transformation.
Elizabeth says
Horsey Spice! brilliant. If the movie takes place after the TV series then they are all in steady relationships and 50% of them have kids. So, how much fun can it be? Unless they are cheating or something, or maybe if there are giant effing robots. (not a bad idea)
Gilbert Wham says
Nah, Twisted Sister’s tour bus is involved in an accident outside Horsey One’s house and she has to stand in for Dee Schneider to save the day.
Viking Lumberjack says
Giant effing robots, not a bad idea. They could do a tie-in with the Transformers and My Little Pony, and you could finally see that horse transformation you’re dreaming of.
Viking Lumberjack says
Actually, the whole Transformer thing may be more accurate than previously thought – Maybe Sarah Jessica Parker is actually a fleshy Transformer that turns into a horse, but broke down halfway through the metamorphosis.
“I’ve had enough of this, Optimus Prime! I’m going to change into a horse and kick your ass!”
(cue transforming sounds, then the noise of metal squealing to a halt)
“Fuck! Who the hell forgot to oil me? What? Only my head changed? Terrific. Let’s see if I can undo this…”
(squealing metal noise)
“Great. Just great. I’ve changed into a bipedal centaur. Now I’m going to have to act across from the only woman less attractive than me, Cynthia Nixon. This is just wonderful. Stop laughing Optimus, this isn’t funny.”