Sean Penn: Attaboy

Sean Penn, Jessica White, Sean Penn girlfriendSean Penn’s had tough year – his protracted divorce must have left him feeling emotionally exhausted, a shell of a… hang on.

Sean Penn’s bonking a model? A Sports Illustrated model who’s easily young enough to be his daughter? Oh. Apparently Sean Penn was seen with Jessica White last weekend, leading to speculation that his divorce is final.

True, it’s also led to speculation that Sean Penn is going through a gigantic mid-life crisis and the next thing you know he’ll have grown a ponytail, bought a pair of leather trousers and pretended to like N-Dubz, but that’s by the by.

We’re starting to suspect that Sean Penn hates us, you know. This year has been a non-stop downer thanks to the recession and the terrifying proliferation of celebrity deaths, but there was one beacon of hope keeping us going – Sean Penn’s on-and-off divorce from Robin Wright Penn. First Sean Penn was getting divorced, then he decided to call it off, then he decided to divorce her again, then he called it off and temporarily quit acting to focus on his personal life, then he decided to divorce her again. It was hilarious. But now Sean Penn has put an end to our fun, the bastard.

Because Sean Penn has been seen stepping out with a woman named Jessica White, who is famed for her ability to wear bikinis and the fact that she’s almost exactly half the age of Sean Penn. Here’s how the New York Daily News reported the new relationship:

The couple was reportedly spotted Friday night having an intimate chicken dinner at Hotel Griffou, where they knocked back vodka and seemed very comfortable with each other. “They were holding hands,” a witness said. “They seemed really into each other. She was laying on him. She was laying on his shoulder. He seemed really into her.” A source says … “She wants to get serious with him.”

Ah, chicken and vodka. No wonder she was all over him – it’s a classic combination. That’s why so many of our dating experiences have ended with us drunkenly vomiting into a bin in the alley next to KFC. Sean Penn is one classy guy.

Anyway, we’re wrong to mock, because it seems like Sean Penn and Jessica White have got the perfect relationship. They both love each other for who they are and not, say, because Sean Penn is a powerful Hollywood actor and director who’d easily be able to kickstart a struggling model’s movie career, or because Jessica White is a pretty young girl who’s so dazzled by fame and material wealth that she’d end up having it off with a man who looks like a flood-damaged Mr Punch statue that’s been carved out of a turnip.


Follow hecklerspray on Twitter