But don’t feel sorry for Dustin Diamond because he’s doomed to spend the rest of his life stereotyped into a perpetual inescapable vacuum where he’ll only be known as Screech from Saved By The Bell to everyone he ever meets all the time forever until he dies, because some good has come out of it.
Dustin Diamond, you see, has decided to use his notoriety to pen a no-holds-barred Saved By The Bell tell-all book that’ll chronicle the cast’s naughty shenanigans in a frank and shocking manner. Honestly? We’re underwhelmed. Now, if there was a Hangin’ With Mr Cooper tell-all book coming out…
Dustin Diamond probably resents Saved By The Bell a little bit – he knows in his heart of hearts that the first thing the paramedics will say after they’ve failed to resuscitate his elderly body several years into the future is “Hey, that’s Screech from Saved By The Bell. Truly he was the Gary Coleman of normal-sized white men,” – but that would be doing the show a great disservice.
Look at all the headlines Dustin Diamond made in the last few years. None of them would even exist without Saved By The Bell. Would we have had Screech Almost Mugged By A Girl? No, we would have had Scrawny Anonymous Man With Problem Hair Almost Mugged By A Girl.
And how would we have reported the Screech from Saved By The Bell sex tape? Scrawny Anonymous Man With Problem Hair Wipes His Shit-Covered Hands Over A Girl’s Face After Doing Her Up The Bum? That doesn’t even scan at all.
No, being on Saved By The Bell was the greatest thing that could ever have happened to Dustin Diamond, and he knows it. That show is the gift that keeps on giving. It saved his house from foreclosure, it got him on that slightly humiliating child-star edition of The Weakest Link and it’s now hurling him into the world of publishing.
Yes, according to reports, Dustin Diamond has signed a publishing deal for a shocking tell-all book detailing his days on Saved By The Bell. According to New York magazine:
Behind the Bell, which Gotham Books preempted from Objective Entertainment’s Jarred Weisfeld, promises to detail “sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying,” and for those of us who spent untold hours in our formative years memorizing “I’m So Excited” and the entire back catalog of Zack Attack, this is the greatest book deal in the history of the universe.
Sex? Drugs? In Saved By The Bell? That hardly sounds convincing, unless milkshakes have suddenly been reclassified as narcotics and Mark-Paul Gosselaar‘s slightly nauseating infatuation with himself counts as a sexual escapade these days.
Still, what do we know – Dustin Diamond was there during the Saved By The Bell days and we weren’t, so we should hold off from making any sudden judgements until we’ve read the thing.
Even though we’re fully aware that Dustin Diamond only wrote a book in the first place so he could star as his childhood self in the movie adaptation of it. And, that when that day happens, it’ll be the happiest day of his life.