The celebrity sex tape is, by and large, an interesting way to spend a few minutes – if only to see what the Croatian Eurovision entry looks like naked. But someone always has to spoil the fun, and this time it's Dustin Diamond.
What's the worst thing you can ever imagine watching? Seriously, think long and hard about the most disgusting thing you can possibly think of. What comes to mind? More often than not it'll be an image of Screech from Saved By The Bell smearing shit across a girl's face while having sex with her, right? Now, brace yourself to actually see this before too long, because Dustin Diamond – of Screech from Saved By The Bell fame – is said to have made an internet sex tape of that very thing.
In a way we're glad that we never got to appear on Saved By The Bell, because time hasn't been kind to its stars. AC Slater does the voices in Scooby Doo cartoons, Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski are stuck in generic drama limbo and Mr Belding sells his voice to the public for pennies. Previously, we'd thought that Jessie Spano had the worst post-Saved By The Bell career thanks to Showgirls, but Screech is making a late run for greatness.
You'll remember that Dustin Diamond, who plays Screech, was selling T-shirts a while ago to try and get enough money together to stop him being kicked out of his home. You may also remember that Screech was recently almost mugged by a girl in a hotel. Neither of those are things to be particularly proud of, but Screech has just knocked it out of the park with the latest news about him; Dustin Diamond is reportedly the star of his own internet sex tape – entitled Saved By The Smell – that's so disgusting-sounding we think we're only going to be able to watch it two or three times in a row. The New York Daily News reports:
Everyone who remembers Diamond as a lovable putz is in for a shock once they see a 40-minute video in which he engages in a kinky three-way with two women, sources tell us. We can't get too graphic here, but word is that the action includes some bodily functions and an act known as a "Dirty Sanchez."
No, a Dirty Sanchez isn't where you make a rubbish, sub-Jackass TV show. A Dirty Sanchez is, according to The Urban Dictionary:
A dirty sanchez occurs when a male places both pinky fingers together and inserts them into the female anal cavity. Once the pinkies have been removed, ass pounding ensues and a reach around occurs. Any fecal remnants are smudged above the upper lip which creates a moustache of sorts.
Also, thanks to the Urban Dictionary, we can thank our lucky stars that Screech from Saved By The Bell didn't attempt a Dirty Rodriguez, but you're going to have to look that one up yourself. Anyway, the Dustin Diamond sex tape has been acquired by sex tape impresario David Hans Schmidt, who says of it:
"Just when you think you have seen everything in this business, mankind has raised the bar another notch. Or lowered it."
However, it looks like Dustin Diamond isn't too worried about the distribution of the Screech sex tape. Rather than doing what other sex tape stars like Colin Farrell or Kid Rock and Scott Stapp did and get a court injunction to block the release; in fact, Dustin Diamond's manager Roger Paul seems to see the thing as a career opportunity for his client:
"I haven't seen the tape. I've heard rumours. Dustin has been trying to escape the Screech typecast. So this may help me get more bookings."
Sadly for Dustin Diamond, though, the Screech sex tape came at just the wrong time – thanks to the new series Saved By The Bell: The Appalling And Degrading Sex Act Years, Dustin Diamond's adventures are just going to reinforce his Screech typecasting even more.
[story by Stuart Heritage]