To people of a certain age, Saved By The Bell is nothing less than a universal cultural touchpoint. Nothing sums up having to spend a school holiday indoors because of rain more than a rubbish early nineties teen sitcom about an annoying blond boy and the woman from Showgirls.
But, however fondly we hold Saved By The Bell to our hearts, things haven't fared so well for one of its stars. Dustin Diamond – that's curly-haired fool and unconvincing principle's personal assistant Screech to you – is about to be made homeless after being hit with a foreclosure notice. And there's only one possible way out for Dustin Diamond – selling rubbishy T-shirts over the internet! And it's possible, too – Diamond only has to sell 30,000 of the buggers.
It must be tough being the childstar of a lazily-made children's sitcom about smug kids eating burgers in a horribly-designed restaurant. Time has not been kind to the actors from Saved By The Bell. Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski flit between conveyor-belt American drama TV shows without ever really making an impression, AC Slater does voices in straight-to-video Scooby Doo cartoons, Lisa Turtle doesn't do anything, Mr Belding will talk to you for cash and Jessie Spano got her bazzers out in a film.
But time has been unkindest to Dustin Diamond, who played Screech in Saved By The Bell. Despite managing to be in Saved By The Bell, Saved By The Bell: The Junior High Years, Saved By The Bell: The College Years, Saved By The Bell: Hawaiian Style, Saved By The Bell: The New Class and Saved By The Bell: Wedding In Las Vegas, Dustin Diamond needs to raise $250,000 to save his house from a foreclosure order. Why? This is what his website says:
I'm Dustin Diamond and you probably remember me from the hit TV show Saved By The Bell. After the show ended I decided to leave Sunny California for the midwest. My shitty credit meant that getting a loan for a house would be tough. I began looking and finally purchased one on a land contract. I was thrilled! Now I call Wisconsin my home.
During the past years the land around me has developed for the better and my property value went way up. Now that the house is worth a lot more they want it back. Knowing my credit is bad, getting a straight mortgage would take some time. I received a letter stating that I had 30 days to pay $250,000.00 or get out. I was not thrilled.
Dustin also goes on about other stuff, like how he wants a man at the New York Capital Exchange to get the sack or something, but the gist of it is that Dustin Diamond wants to make $250,000 by selling 30,000 T-shirts with a picture of Dustin Diamond holding a sign saying 'Save My House' on the front and 'I Paid $15 To Save Screeech's House.' That third 'e' in 'Screeech' is to avoid copyright infringement, by the way.
If only everything in life could be solved by hilariously posing as Zack to date Mr Belding's niece, or by accidentally finding an oilfield under the football football field, eh Dustin?
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[story by Stuart Heritage]