So that's it then. After waiting five long months to see if Phil Spector murdered Lana Clarkson by shooting her in the mouth or not, the Phil Spector murder trial has finally come to an end, and the verdict is a great big mistrial.
Since the jurors in the Phil Spector murder trial spent 12 days failing to reach an unanimous decision about whether Phil Spector angrily murdered Lana Clarkson or if Lana Clarkson angrily murdered herself in front of Phil Spector, Judge Larry Paul Fidler has declared a mistrial on the whole shebang. And while this means that Phil Spector can bask in the glory of not being a murderer but not not being a murderer, it also means that there's going to be a retrial happening very soon. And that means we get to pretend these last five months never happened as we go over every last Phil Spector-related detail all over again. And that must mean that these things coming out of our eyes are tears of happiness, not gut-knotting despair. Right?
Hey, Phil Spector's jury! You suck! How hard can it be to come to a unanimous decision about stuff? Here's a clue – it's not. Just to show you how easy the decision-making process actually is, here's a few examples – kittens: cute. Doughnuts: delicious. Lee Ryan: annoying. See? That's three separate decisions we made in less than 20 seconds. You had 12 days to just reach one measly verdict – one! – and you screwed it up. You are idiots.
OK. maybe that's a little bit unfair. In actual fact, the Phil Spector murder trial was so drawn-out and teeming with various minor conflicting scientific details that reaching a unanimous verdict was always going to be difficult. And now, after 12 days of chronic indecision, the Phil Spector murder trial has been declared a mistrial, meaning 'difficult' just got upgraded to 'impossible'. The New York Times reports:
The murder trial of the music producer Phil Spector ended on Wednesday in a mistrial after the jury, leaning heavily to convict him, could not reach a unanimous verdict. The Los Angeles County district attorney’s office said it planned to retry the case. Mr. Spector, 67, charged with second-degree murder in the killing of Lana Clarkson in his home in 2003, stared blankly forward as Judge Larry Paul Fidler of Superior Court ended the proceedings after the jury foreman had reported a 10-2 deadlock… Three jurors, speaking to reporters afterward, said the two holdouts gave credence to a defense assertion that the death of Ms. Clarkson, 40, a struggling actress, might have been a suicide rather than a murder.
To some extent, the Phil Spector murder mistrial marks a small victory for Phil Spector's defence, which has repeatedly called for a mistrial over the course of the last five months, like when it claimed the prosecution was withholding evidence or when it claimed that the prosecution's closing argument was too spooky. But the Phil Spector murder trial edging over into a mistrial begs the question of how much evidence the jury actually needed. Jurors had already pretended to be dead in a chair similar to the one that Lana Clarkson was found dead in to see what sort of murdery vibe they picked up, plus they'd recently watched a video of a man who Phil Spector confessed the murder to.
Of course, we shouldn't be surprised that the Phil Spector murder trial has been declared a mistrial. After the jury revealed itself to be hung, Judge Larry Paul Fidler decided that, rather than giving the jury the option of finding Phil Spector guilty of manslaughter, he'd just revoke an instruction suggesting that Phil Spector had to be holding the gun to be found guilty of murder – and if a guilty verdict had been found after that late ruling, the defence would have pushed harder than ever for a mistrial.
But don't think this is the last you'll hear about the Phil Spector murder trial, oh no – because where there's a mistrial there's a retrial, and the judge has set a provisional hearing for October 3. And then presumably after that we'll get to go through the whole Phil Spector murder trial all over again. And that means more gunpoint rape claims, more horrifying pictures of bullet wounds and more imaginative ways in which Phil Spector described his hatred towards women.
However, with a heavy heart we tell you that there might not be any more amusingly nylonesque middle-aged lesbian librarian Phil Spector haircuts in the Phil Spector murder retrial. Let's face it, the afro didn't work for Phil Spector and the cruise-ship leisure-time lesbian holiday haircut – in both blonde and auburn formats – couldn't fully get Phil Spector off the hook. That calls for one thing and one thing alone – at the Phil Spector murder retrial, expect to see the emergence of the Executive Feathered Downward-Spiralling Dido Flip. God help us all.
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Kippertron says
I think the judge just called a mistrial because he enjoyed reading your coverage and he didn’t want it to end…
Adam Gade says
Well there’s gotta be an O.J. once every decade. Now all we can do is wait for Phil to break into a casino while his favorite, personal Ronettes LP is being auctioned off where he goes, “You think you can steal my shit!?”
bj parker says
Spector makes my skin crawl.This idiot wants everyone to believe she knew where he kept his guns.This time get aqn all WOMEN jury and I bet he goes down!! I’m 56 yr old white male, why does’nt the media trash spector like they have over 11 yrs to OJ?? Please CALIF. put this killer away!! BJ Tampa Fla
bj parker says
Spector makes my skin crawl. did the jury listen to the same evidence? Baden’s testimony along with eyebrow’s from Texas prove’s the hired gun theory. I can’t grasp the A HA moment !! I thought alot of Baden but not anymore. If NUMB-NUT’S WALKS MONEY WONT HELP HIM IN GOD’S COURT!! I PRAY LANA AND HER FAMILY GET’S JUSTICE THE SECOND TIME AROUND BJ TAMPA