Have you ever wished that Pete Doherty was as good at writing good songs that people can remember as he is at getting his flabby, pasty, yellowish Hale & Pace mush into trouble with the law at any given moment in time.
We have mixed feelings on the issue. On the one hand, if Pete Doherty showed the even half the amount of talent for songwriting as being tediously in court all the time, the songs he'd write would bring an end to global unhappiness in a fingerclick. On the other hand we sort of like the current set-up, because we can enjoy Pete Doherty for being a mighty nobsack and we don't have to spend any money on his rubbish CDs. Anyway, yesterday Pete Doherty was in court where he was fined £750 for doing some lousy martial arts on a BBC reporter, breaking her microphone and hurting her hand.
For someone who's been invented by the KLF, Pete Doherty's not had a bad life. Let's face it, if someone said that you could have unbelievable – if slightly vague fame – for doing little more than having it off with a supermodel, squirting syringes of blood at MTV camera crews, ingesting all the drugs known to man and occasionally being asked to wail some 1950s prison slang and crudely thump a tatty acoustic guitar at the same time, then you'd do it, wouldn't you?
Well, probably not actually, because there are downsides to being as pointlessly famous as Pete Doherty. For every poll inexplicably hailing you as the second-best rockstar ever, there's a lot you have to put up with – like big bloody fights with photographers, the threat of getting arrested all the sodding time and reporters taking you to court just because you booted them in the hand on the way out of one of your many trials.
That's what happened yesterday, as Pete Doherty went to Thames Magistrate court in London to face a charge of assault by beating after he kicked Radio 1 news reporter Trudi Barber in the hand in March. According to the court, Trudi Barber – who'd presumably been given a day off from making mind-pounding inane, sub-Pocoyo Radio 1 news reports like "Saddam Hussein did some bad things and now he gonna go bye bye what a naughty man no dinner for Saddam Hussein tonight" – apparently suffered hand pain from the assault, which spread to her shoulder and stopped her sleeping, as BBC News reports:
The star pleaded guilty at Thames Magistrates' Court to kicking a microphone out of her hand outside the same court after a separate appearance. In a statement, the 27-year-old said: "If I hurt this lady I'm sorry." The star, who is currently being treated for drug addiction, was also ordered to pay £250 compensation and another £200 in court costs. He had previously pleaded not guilty to a charge of assault by beating after he kicked out at Radio 1 Newsbeat's Trudi Barber. His defence lawyer, Sean Curran, said Doherty changed his plea after watching television footage of the attack.
It didn't help that Pete Doherty apparently told police that Trudi Barber was in the "harassing scum of press," since that made the judge give Pete a right old ticking off:
"Referring to the press as scum does no one any favours. You were obviously courting publicity judging by your somewhat extravagant behaviour outside the court. People in public life have a responsibility to behave and be a good role model to others."
Sadly Pete Doherty couldn't pay the fine yesterday, as he claimed he only had 27p on him. Presumably that's all the royalties from his rubbish Babyshambles album, then.
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Boris says
Frankly, you’re being overly kind. The lack of scathing, hate-filled vitriol in your article will only serve to encourage P-Doh fans. This makes me angry. I’m not sure who with. Mostly P-Doh’s fans, I think. P-Doh doesn’t have a clue what day of the week it is, but most of his fans (assuming they are not taking drugs by the suitcase load) should know better. Stop it, all of you! You P-Doh fans should all go back to Surrey and concentrate on your GSCE’s until you grow out of this phase.
Gilbert Wham says
I have on occasion taken enough heroin to make that face he’s pulling.
greg october says
you people are absolute fools to claim his music is rubbish. you obviously have not listened to how brilliant this man can
be. I know that to say he has some problems is an incredible understatement, and I’ve seen interviews where to liken him
to an animal would be generous, but to deny his musical and lyrical achievements is a sign of tremendous lack of
intelligence which suggests to me that you are the people who consume what the “harassing scum of the press”
produces. This is a perfect example of judging a book by its cover, and I hope that this response will convince some
readers that the narrowminded view of pete that is held by much of the public is nonsense.
Boris says
Oh, I do love the pompous bombastic sludge that comes pouring out of P-Doh fans whenever anyone suggests P-Doh is not the untouchable genius they believe him to be. Obviously, the critics are “not intelligent enough” to understand him. We don’t get it. You’re all right, and we’re all wrong.
Listen mate, why don’t you admit you’d never even read a poem until NME started calling P-Doh a poet, and if this is the case, what the fark would you know about the subject? I’m not saying he can’t write a song, but he’s no more of a poet than Paul Gascoigne. In fact, make that Paul Gascoigne’s mate “Jimmy Five Bellies”.
Whether you are intelligent or not, so long as you’re not deaf it is obvious P-Doh can barely sing, and I’m really sorry, but none of his music is original – the guitars, drums bass and vocals format has been sloshing around modern culture for over 50 years.
Do yourself and P-Doh a favour, and accept him for what he is – a blinding flash of fame in contemporary culture. But he’s not the messiah, he’s just a very naughty boy.