There's a very good chance that Paula Abdul has achieved more than you – she's a judge on America's top-rated TV show, she's duetted with a chainsmoking cartoon hip-hop cat – but Paula Abdul has never ever been drunk in her whole entire life.
"What?" you're saying, "Paula Abdul has never been drunk? But if that's the case, why is she such a barking mad slurry weirdo nutjob most of the time on American Idol? Those aren't the actions of a sober woman." And normally we'd completely agree – but the Paula Abdul drunk stories are just one of '100 million lies' that Paula Abdul says she has to put up with on a daily basis. We're not sure what the other 999,999,999 lies are, but we're pretty sure one of them has something to do with Simon Cowell, a strap-on penis and all of Il Divo chanting "touch the brown hole" in an annoying faux-operatic way while wearing Eyes Wide Shut-style face-masks.
Sometimes we get the feeling that American Idol could ditch most of its shtick – the raging homophobia, the deliberately awful singers, Simon Cowell insulting the mentally disabled – and just consist of one single camera pointed directly at Paula Abdul's twitchy face for an hour at a time. Because Paula Abdul is American Idol to all intents and purposes, and it'd be a weaker show without her constant alarmingly batshit mentality bubbling away in the background.
Pretty much everything that Paula Abdul does on a day to day basis is worthy of a headline, whether it's her sex and drugs scandal, her ferocious anger at nail salons that hurt her thumb or just her giggling, babbling, slurring appraisals of the aspiring singers on American Idol – our favourite so far this season came when Paula Abdul turned down a contestant because she'd just got married and she needed to look after her husband.
The logical explanation seems to be that Paula Abdul acts in such a bizarre way because she's constantly smashed up on as much cheap booze as her body can handle, but that's apparently not the case – in an angry interview, Paula Abdul has claimed that she has never been drunk. Ever. CNN reports:
"I've never been drunk. I have never done recreational drugs," she says. "Just look at my 20-year career. Tell me someone who is into partying or doing drugs that could have done that." … "There have been 100 million lies about me," says Abdul, who has said she's taken prescription medication for health problems, including inflammatory arthritis. "I'm squeaky clean. I've worked my ass off my entire life. (But) being involved in the show causes people to question everything."
We're guessing that Paula Abdul has decided to speak out about her behaviour now to put an end to talk of her getting replaced on American Idol by Courtney Love, even though those rumours turned out to be nothing more than a confusing hoax. Still, though, dealing with 100 million lies every single day is enough to turn anyone loopy, so for Paula's sake we should all club together and discover exactly what these 100 million Paula Abdul lies are. We'll start:
Paula Abdul was born a hermaphrodite, and she keeps her amputated infant male genitalia around her neck as a lucky charm.
Now it's your turn. Use the comments box, people.
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Amy says
Paula Abdul one helped a gypsy paint a caravan and was given super powers for 24 hours as a result. Paula Abdul brushed her hair in super speed and then fell asleep
Loiti says
Paula Abdul commicates with the dead in semaphor
fred says
south american toads lick paula to get a buzz.