Paula Abdul gets a lot of criticism for her American Idol judging style – primarily because it consists of her staring into space, absent-mindedly drooling and trying to babble the same confusing half-sentence eight times in a row before giving up and crying.
And, if reports are to be believed, this could be Paula Abdul's final American Idol. It has been suggested that the American Idol team is looking out for a new full-time female judge who'd be able to hold herself together and give a range of well-meaning constructive advice. Thing is, though, the same reports say that Paula Abdul's American Idol replacement will be Courtney Love – a woman who we imagine has spent the last year or so crawling around the floor inflating her face to ghastly proportions with a bicycle pump and muttering swearwords to herself with her vagina hanging out. Fair's fair, though – that'd be a pretty solid swap for Paula Abdul.
As much as people think that American Idol is all about Simon Cowell abusing the mentally ill or Randy Jackson whooping and howling like Oprah Winfrey being electrocuted, it's really all about Paula Abdul. Paula Abdul is such an extraordinary batshit nutbag that her weird behaviour can at times overshadow American Idol entirely. Remember the whole Paula Abdul sex scandal from a couple of years ago? Remember when Paula Abdul skipped an American Idol Q&A because Simon Cowell said her eye fell out? Remember when, um, Paula Abdul hurt her thumb at a nail salon? That's just the sort of thing Paula Abdul does.
And recently Paula Abdul has hit the headlines for the bizarre way that she conducted herself during American Idol-promoting interviews on local TV stations, where she variously giggled, garbled, slurred and closed her eyes in silence for eight seconds when asked questions by the increasingly-amused anchors. And this mental behaviour has meant that rumours of Paula Abdul leaving American Idol have started swirling again.
So who would be a good American Idol replacement for Paula Abdul? The American Idol production team will need to look high and low for a female judge who is calm, well-reasoned and able to offer succinct, inoffensive nuggets of advice to thousands of aspiring singers. Alternatively they could just approach Courtney Love, since she's the only woman on the planet with a personality anywhere near as deranged as Paula Abdul. Strangely enough, Courtney Love says that exact thing has happened, as Usmagazine reports:
Love reveals to her favorite magazine Web site that Idol's executive producer Nigel Lythgoe called her office last week inquiring into whether she would be interested in sitting in as a judge on the hit FOX show. "He called," Love tells Usmagazine.com. "He was wondering if I was interested. I thought it was kind of weird but brilliant."… a source tells Usmagazine.com that Lythgoe was considering having Love "replace Paula."
And why not? After all, Courtney Love's music career hit the skids a while ago, so she could probably do with something like American Idol to keep her occupied and off the drugs. And Courtney certainly has a way with words, as her recent appraisal of online dating reveals:
"Gurss what? After an hour plus of this thing they tell me that two per cent of thier 'Cliermnts ar elike me and there was no-one for me."
And there's always a chance that if Courtney Love gets too out-of-control during an American Idol audition Mel Gibson can come and have a word in her ear. But, even if these Courtney Love rumours are true, we can't see Paula Abdul going down without a fight – after all, 90% of American Idol contestants only seem to apply so they can meet Paula Abdul and tell her how much they her her, whereas the only reaction Courtney Love would get is constant terrified screaming at her bizarrely swollen face.
And don't let Courtney Love think that she can take the American Idol judging spot by sheer violence, either. Although Courtney has years of rock and roll bad behaviour to use in a fight with Paula Abdul, she lacks one very important thing that Paula has – a life-sized rapping cartoon cat.
Read more:
Paula Being Replaced? Courtney Love Confirms She's Been Called For American Idol – Usmagazine
Ennio says
Brilliant! Then replace Simon with Johnny Rotten and Randy with Jeffrey Dahlmer the Milwalkee cannibal