Post-jail, Paris Hilton promised to change her image and only do things that would benefit mankind – which is why she's got naked, smeared herself in gold paint and crawled across a desert like some kind of dreadful numpty.
Not that we should be shocked by this, of course – and don't pretend that you haven't seen Paris Hilton naked before, because you have, you bloody pervert – and anyway, it's all to advertise booze. Paris Hilton has got naked to promote her new range of canned champagne entitled Rich Prosecco, launched in Germany today. And it gets better, because Paris Hilton is going to donate 20% of all Rich Prosecco sales to charity. You see, if only Mother Teresa had thought to daub herself with gold paint and writhe around naked in the desert like a horny golden rattlesnake like Paris Hilton, then maybe everyone wouldn't have thought she was such a selfish idiot.
It's become rather trendy for famously drunk celebrities to launch their own alcohol lines. For example, after Danny DeVito drunkenly belched limoncello-scented vomit into his own mouth during a shambolic interview on The View, he went onto launch his own limoncello brand. And while we eagerly await David Hasselhoff's line of extra-strong lager (slogan "It'll make you cry and wet yourself and roll around on the floor topless in front of your horrified children… or your money back!") and Mel Gibson's own-brand tequila ("Curse the Jews! I did!") we'll have to put up with Paris Hilton's new alcohol range.
You see, Paris Hilton has decided to combine the two things that she loves most in all the world – being naked and getting smashed on booze. And for once she's decided to do it in away that doesn't involve sucking off a man on the internet or drink-driving – this time Paris Hilton is tastefully naked in a desert to advertise Rich Prosecco, her new champagne line that's named after how rich she is and all the times she's been prosecuted this year. Probably.
We know what you're thinking – what has Paris Hilton naked in the desert got to do with champagne? And we're not entirely sure. True, we've wanted to drop Paris Hilton naked in the desert several times before, but only so we could force her to understand that sitting out for weeks in a 130F wilderness in the middle of summer with no clothes or water is 'hot' and that perhaps she should try another way to describe every bastard thing she ever encounters, but we never thought to paint her gold first.
But whatever the reason, this whole 'golden naked Paris Hilton in the desert' trick seems to have worked, because it's got people talking about her new range of canned champagne before she's even properly launched it. Maybe if Rich Prosecco is a success, someone can even convince her to stay there.
We know what else you're thinking, by the way – you're wondering why anyone other than aristocratic tramps would bother drinking champagne out of a can in the first place? The answer to that one is simple – if the police pull you over because you've been swerving across lanes like some kind of drunken arsehole, it's much easier to throw a can of champagne out of your car window than a magnum of champagne. See? Paris Hilton has thought of everything.