It’s a commonly accepted semi-fact that Slash learned to play guitar after a welding accident left him stuck to his uncle’s six string for almost two and a half years.

It was middle school, and he just wanted classmates to think he was carrying the thing around because he wanted to. After a while, not only could he play the instrument, but he could also write with it, eat with it, and use it to point his dinky in the general direction of the urinal. His uncle hated that the most.

That’s how Slash got so tough. His son, though, apparently has no means of becoming such a hardened brute. After all - he can’t even handle 80 or so snakes, so his dad had to kick them all out of the house.

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Picking a jury for the R Kelly child porn trial must be an unrelentingly difficult procedure.

The process involves weeding out those who really like R Kelly, those who really hate R Kelly, anyone who’s formed an opinion about R Kelly based on the mountain of press he’s received over his alleged underage sex tape, those who like the idea of watching child porn a little too much and those who did all of the above on purpose to get them out of jury service.

But, despite all that, three jurors have been chosen for the R Kelly child porn trial. The big news, however, is that yesterday R Kelly sat next to a toilet and the poo-stink went up his nose and he got all sad. No, really.

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It’s a tough life being a teenager.

One minute you’re a clear- skinned, sweet little bundle of naïve curiosity, the next you’ve got a face like an angry dot to dot, your parents have become inexplicably infuriating, and you want to hump everything in sight even if you’re not quite sure why.

Tough indeed, but not quite as tough as having all of those things and being a person of indeterminate gender born with both male and female sexual organs. So not only are you getting the hormonal explosion of one gender, you’re having to deal with all the problems associated with both as well as the lovely people calling you a freak and parents who don’t know what to do.

That’s the situation for Alex, anyway- the young lead of this brave Argentinian film from female director Lucia Puenzo.

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Look, we know that everything you own - your computer, your phone, your iPod, your kettle, your first-born child - all comes with a version of Solitaire on it. We know that. But this isn’t Solitaire. It’s Fashion Solitaire.

How does Fashion Solitaire compare to regular Solitaire? Well, it’s got dresses and stuff in it, obviously. And also it’s not really solitaire. In Fashion Solitaire you spend a lot of the time matching garments to models to make outfits, and then you make collections and - if you really want to - you can design your very own clothes. A warning, though - if you’re crap at solitaire, you’ll be just as crap at Fashion Solitaire.

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It’s great that Amy Winehouse has split up with Blake Fielder-Civil - free of her violent drug-addicted convict husband, she can finally move on.

Specifically Amy Winehouse can move onto Pete Doherty - who’s a little bit violent, recovering from drug addiction and an ex-convict. Her parents must be so thrilled.

But don’t worry about a sexual union between Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty, even though any offspring they’d have would probably look quite a lot like the mangled insect/Labrador thing from The Fly 2. Instead, Pete Doherty has expressed his desire to release a duet with Amy Winehouse. Which is worse, obviously, because at least they could lock their deformed babies in an attic or something.

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The Eurovision Song Contest is getting closer, so savour these Eurovision betting odds while you can.

Eurovision’s getting so close, in fact, that the rehearsals are taking place as we speak, and the Eurovision website has them all online to watch. It’s worth a look, especially if you enjoy watching Bosnian men climb out of washing baskets. Which you do, of course. Everyone does.

Here are the Eurovision betting odds for San Marino, with help from Paddy Power…

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Plane security is so confusing - medicine is OK, but not hair gel or toothpaste or, as it turns out, loaded unregistered semiautomatic handguns.

We only know this, though, because former Law & Order actor Dennis Farina tried to board a plane with a loaded unregistered semiautomatic handgun in his briefcase and was promptly arrested for it.

Although some are accusing Dennis Farina of gross stupidity almost to the point of mental illness for trying to take a loaded gun onto a plane, we actually couldn’t disagree more - Farina’s arrest has just closed down another airport security loophole. In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if he’s just unwitting foiled Al Qaeda’s latest sneaky plan to hijack a bunch of planes by hiding loaded guns in terrorists’ briefcases. He deserves your credit.

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Now that you’ve seen part of her back and about a third of one of her bras, Miley Cyrus is a certified sex object.

What? Miley Cyrus is only 15? Well, um, obviously we were joking about that sex object bit. The supple, milky-white backs of teenage girls are so disgusting to us that we think they should all be burnt with flaming torches. But Playboy’s Hugh Hefner has another idea. You can probably guess what it involves.

That’s right - Hefner has asked Miley Cyrus to appear naked in Playboy. But don’t worry, because Miley Cyrus won’t be getting naked for Playboy until she’s 18, the age where people immediately stop having moral objections to teenage nudity. Until then, though, it looks like you’ll just have to wait until the inevitable Miley Cyrus naked internet photos. Perverts.

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Quick, get your confetti out - this fling between Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer seems to be getting pretty serious.

How serious? So serious that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have been seen out together ‘laughing at each other’s jokes’. What’s more, they might have actually kissed in private once. Whatever could be next? Hand-holding? Nonspecific fondling? This madness has to stop!

Actually, sod the confetti - it sounds like a wedding’s so inevitable here that if we have to fling shredded clumps of our own flesh at the happy couple to celebrate their union that’s what we’ll do.

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We know this is confusing, but sit tight and we’ll try and explain - although DMX was arrested on Wednesday, he’s now been arrested for something else entirely.

Wednesday’s arrest was for speeding, but his time DMX was arrested on suspicion of animal cruelty and drug possession after a SWAT team raided his house on Friday morning and found five pit bull puppies and half a pound of cannabis.

So, to try and help east the confusion a little, we’ve come up with a little rhyme to help you keep track of DMX’s arrests: If DMX was busted Wednesday last, he’s been caught driving cars too fast; if DMX is busted on Friday morn, the partially-burnt carcasses of mistreated pets were found on his lawn. We’re available for hire, you know.

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Iron Man has really beaten the odds - it’s now enjoying its second week on top of the weekend box office, despite the massive gamble involved in making it.

Not because it’s a B-list superhero movie with indie sensibilities starring a middle-aged recovering drug addict or anything, but because nobody really knew if big expensive blockbusters about flying robots who can blow shit up with arm missiles were all that popular.

Of course, Iron Man’s biggest challenge will come during next week’s weekend box office - can it still cling onto the coveted number one slot in the face of a crappy-looking Narnia film starring that over-earnest big-toothed kid we couldn’t really stand in the last one? Only time will tell.

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Think of Michael Jackson and the first thing that springs to mind is the Neverland ranch.

Alright, that’s a lie - the Neverland ranch is probably near the bottom of the list, coming some way after his ghoulish facial surgery, the seemingly bizarre treatment of his children, his child molestation court case, the porn, the Jesus juice and that monkey he used to own - but it doesn’t matter. Michael Jackson has finally fought off foreclosure on Neverland, so it’s his forever.

Alright, that’s also a lie - by ‘his’ we mean it’s technically the property of the investment company who bought the loan that Michael Jackson took out to save Neverland, and by ‘forever’ we mean for about a fortnight until Michael Jackson gets behind on his repayments again - but that doesn’t really matter either. Probably.

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