Gossip for grown-ups
Let's play a quick game. Things that Miley Cyrus likes: parties, the USA, money, the sound of her own voice. Things that Miley Cyrus doesn't like: Twilight. There must be other things too - like having a dad whose beard is shaped like a stripper's vagina, probably - but Twilight is the main one. Miley Cyrus really doesn't like Twilight. We know this because Miley Cyrus told someone that she didn't like Twilight and now it's news. Because that's how news works. In fact, Miley Cyrus says that she doesn't even believe in Twilight, which is silly because it clearly exists. A damning indictment of the homeschool curriculum from Miley Cyrus, there.
Admit it, the highlight of your November was going to involve examining Levi Johnston's penis for protruding veins. Well not any more, tough guy. That just isn't going to happen. Sure, ever since Levi Johnston first announced his upcoming Playgirl spread, everyone had assumed that he'd whap his willy around at some point - but now the Playgirl photoshoot has taken place, and we're sad to report that Levi Johnston keeps it covered up throughout. Obviously by 'sad to report' we mean 'sad that our lives have reached a point where we're expected to express emotion based on whether or not an opportunistic redneck has displayed his genitalia in a magazine for money or not', but you get the point.
So you're a Dancing With The Stars voter. Your actions will decide who makes the Dancing With The Stars final. You have four remaining dancers. One is Mya, perhaps the best celebrity dancer in the show's history. One is Donny Osmond, the beloved cultural icon. One is Joanna Krupa, a smouldering bikini model. And one is Kelly Osbourne, who is Kelly Osbourne. You have to eliminate one dancer, effectively stopping them from wriggling around a studio in a barely-there scrap of sequinned spandex the following week. And you choose to eliminate Joanna Krupa. Dancing With The Stars voters, you confuse us sometimes.
I wonder if a fighter pilot would feel the same way about me playing Star Fox as I feel about you playing Guitar Hero. Yes, I do mean YOU. You kids with your iBoxes and your X-Phones, lurching about with your Wii steering wheels, Wii fridges, and Wii windows that display a cartoon image of the Wii street you Wii live on... I've seen you standing there with your fake plastic guitar, measuring the accuracy of your pretend rock music. And, though it pains me to say it, I'm beginning to hate you. I don't want to hate you, but that’s the way we’re headed, so I think it's important for you to know that what you're doing is wrong.
The concept of two sexy young women scrubbing the brain fragments off of a bathroom floor might sound to you like some niche Japanese Manga porn. Unfortunately it’s only another dysfunctional family indie drama. Sunshine Cleaning has the indie genre down pat; colourful titles, top actors, interesting backdrop and troubled characters. In fact, it is walking the line so straight that it borders on the mundane. It works hard to be the next indie breakthrough like its predecessor Little Miss Sunshine, but the story doesn’t have as much to do.
Are you impossibly rich? Do you have a legitimately irrational infatuation with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? Do you like shiny things? Are you a little bit dim? You are? That's brilliant! We've got some wonderful news for you - Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have designed their own range of gold and silver jewellery and accessories that's about to go on sale at high-end jewellery stores in London, Los Angeles, New York, Tokyo and Dubai. Not to be outdone, Jennifer Aniston has reportedly decided to make a swan out of some scrunched-up tinfoil, and she'll be selling it from the boot of her car outside an abandoned fairground at 2am on Thursday. That's right, Jennifer! That'll show her!
It's just a matter of days until New Moon is released. What's it going to be like? Well, rubbish, obviously. But forget that. New Moon! Yay! Anticipation for New Moon is at fever pitch - nobody knows anything about it. Well, unless they've downloaded it off the internet already. Or read the book. Or read the Wikipedia page for the book. Or watched any late-night European television commercials for homosexual chat lines. But forget all that too. Because last night the New Moon premiere took place, which is important because it meant that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner all wore nice clothes. We don't have the image rights to show you the clothes. But all's not lost - we've got the next best thing.
