If there’s one thing we hate it’s taxi drivers. Idiots, the lot of them, with their stupid job and their, um, shoes. And stuff.

OK, we don’t hate taxi drivers. Only a fool could bring himself to hate taxi drivers. And only a giant fool would be able to hate taxi drivers to the point of violence. A big stupid fool, probably with a rubbish face and BO and a dirty bumhole and fleas.

Lee Ryan from Blue was in court yesterday for allegedly punching a taxi driver in the side of the head three times. We don’t see how this alters our original point.

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From Dietpixie: WAG wife-to-be Coleen McLoughlin was been snapped eating fast food from McDonald’s in Miami’s airport last week.

There’s nothing wrong with that - a Big Mac and fries is probably the perfect tonic after months of hard dieting and exercise in preparation for your big day. And not forgetting days and nights of hard sunbathing, shopping, drinking and dancing in Florida - if you’re going to be marrying Wayne Rooney, that is.

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Heads up for some more Eurovision betting odds. Or don’t, you’re getting them anyway.

With the Eurovision Song Contest so darn close, you’ll be pleased to know that the construction of the official Eurovision stage is almost complete. But who’s the main technical supplier of the 2008 Eurovision Song Contest for lighting, sound, video, power, stage construction and? Why, the German company PROCON, of course. They really are the best. Hey PROCON, you got your plug - now send us that 8406-03 6 button master control panel like we agreed.

Here are the Eurovision betting odds for Portugal, with help from Paddy Power…

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We’re starting to think that Oprah Winfrey is some kind of mystical genie, you know.

Just look at Tom Cruise. Just the other week he was in the worst professional state of his career, then he zipped over to Oprah and - blam - there’s suddenly a lot of talk about him returning to Paramount to make Mission: Impossible 4.

If this Mission: Impossible 4 talk is true then it’s an incredible turnaround for Tom Cruise. And just in the nick of time, too - if we all cross our fingers tight enough and maybe chant a little, then the thrill of being given a second chance to make more blockbuster movies might just turn Tom Cruise back into the obnoxiously cocksure prick that we all remember from the good old days.

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OK, that’s it, it’s official - Mariah Carey really is stupid enough to get married to someone she’s only known for a month.

For all the reports of Mariah Carey’s marriage to her video director Nick Cannon, the lack of an official confirmation led many to believe that it was all just an elaborately cynical publicity stunt, albeit an elaborately cynical publicity stunt that nobody could really give very much of a shit about.

But we can lay all that to rest now - Mariah Carey has emailed the editor of Vogue to tell him how happy she is about being married. Nick Cannon might have emailed some people as well, but nobody cares because he isn’t famous and, besides, he doesn’t really look old enough to know how a computer works, does he?

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The world of partially uncorroborated celebrity coat-theft accusations has just got a whole lot hotter, and it’s all thanks to Lindsay Lohan.

According to a woman by the name of Masha Markova, Lindsay Lohan stole and was photographed wearing an $11,000 fur coat of hers in January, and it was only returned three months later after Masha started threatening everyone with lawsuits. And now Masha Markova is chasing Lindsay Lohan for a $10,000 ‘rental fee’.

There’s been no official word from Lindsay Lohan about these accusations yet, but that’s probably just because she’s ashamed of herself. If the claims are true, you see, it means that Lindsay’s just been outwitted by a woman who leaves $11,000 fur coats lying around in bars. Nice one, shithead.

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Some shocking news - that bloke who kept sending Uma Thurman creepy love letters and visiting her all the time? Turns out he’s a stalker.

That was the decision reached by the jury in a New York court yesterday, anyway, where Uma Thurman’s stalker Jack Jordan was found guilty of stalking and harassing Thurman and immediately jailed pending his sentencing next month.

But who’s the real criminal here? Is it the man who systematically terrorised Uma Thurman by sending her pictures of headless brides and telling her that her children don’t actually exist, or is it society?

What? The first one? Yeah, that probably makes sense, actually.

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Remember watching those nature filmstrips in grade school that showed monkeys eating their young?

Remember thinking, “wow, now there is some exemplary parenting that should be honoured with the presentation of an award“? Of course you do.

The same principle applies for Dina Lohan, Lindsay Lohan’s mommy dearest, who is being given an award for her strides in mothering, or something. Just to be clear, then. This is Dina Lohan. The mother of Lindsay Lohan. Honoured with a mothering award. Animals who eat their young.

The circle of life at its finest, everyone.

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Britney Spears’ court hearing yesterday was a success, although these days any period of time where Britney doesn’t cry or wave her fanny around like a football rattle technically counts as a success.

But this was a success. An actual success. The court commissioner has increased Britney Spears’ child visitation rights, you see.

Three cheers for Britney Spears! If only there were more heartwarming stories about women too mentally unwell to care for their own children except for occasional strictly court-imposed appointments in the presence of a psychologist and an external child safety monitor, maybe the world would be a better place.

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Readers, we know some of out competition prizes have blown in the past. Any fool with a promotional I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry apron from us knows that.

But this time we promise that we’ve got a good’un on our hands. Indie moviemaker extraordinaire Jim Jarmusch has a DVD boxset - inventively titled The Jim Jarmusch Collection Vol 1 - coming out soon, and we’ve got three copies to give away. Comprising Permanent Vacation, Stranger Than Paradise and the still-unbeatable Down By Law, The Jim Jarmusch Collection Vol 1 is basically the best rainy Sunday ever in box form.

To win The Jim Jarmusch Collection Vol 1, all you need to do is answer this question:

Which gravel-voiced singer stars in Down By Law?

Email your answers - with the subject line ‘Tom Waits Competition’ - to hello@hecklerspray.com as soon as you can along with your name and address, and we’ll pick three winners at random by the end of the week. UK readers only, please. Good luck.

It’s that time of the year again when music lovers gather in a field to celebrate the thing they love, live music.

There are all sorts of festivals to cater for all sorts of musical tastes in all four corners of the world. The main ones kick off at this time of year and hecklerspray is here to tell you all you need to know about each festival, who the essential people are to see and which act to avoid so you can queue up for the overflowing shit-filled portaloos.

We begin with the first big festival-type affair of the year, this weekend’s Radio 1’s Big Weekend down in Kent. This particular bash doesn’t have a fixed location, but over the years it has proved to be a popular event for all who can get a ticket.

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Hey, it’s another one of those business management sims that we’re so fond of letting you play. And this one’s about a hotel, so you’ll have to make sure you’re really great at only supplying really rubbish TV channels in your stupid dirty rooms.

Just kidding, Jane’s Hotel Family Hero is fun! Here’s what you have to do, straight from the horse’s mouth:

Want to be a fabulous entrepreneur? In Jane’s Hotel Family Hero you will expand a boutique hotel chain and provide 4-star service to eager guests. Help Jane purchase four International hotels, make upgrades, and pay off that looming bank loan. In addition to the normal guest services, Jane can now help customers buy souvenirs and take pictures. Jane’s Hotel Family Hero is the hospitable sequel adding a brand new twist to time management and cafe games.

Jane’s Hotel Family Hero is just like Hotel Babylon! Except it’s not completely shit!

Order Jane’s Hotel Family Hero Now

Download Jane’s Hotel Family Hero