Gossip for grown-ups
Do you like everything that Steve Martin has ever done, and everything that Alec Baldwin has ever done, and the Oscars? You do? Then you're probably the only one. Oh, and also we've got some wonderful news for you. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are going to host the Oscars next year! That's right - the hilarious brain behind The Jerk and the glowering show-stealer from Glengarry Glen Ross are combining forces to host the most glittering night in the Hollywood calendar! Or the old man from The Pink Panther 2 and the fat bloke from Thomas And The Magic Railroad are combining forces to trudge through six hours of smug backslappery that nobody really watches any more. One or the other.
Last night, Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos were eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. We'll just give you a minute to Google Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos so you know who they are, and then we'll continue. Ready? OK, Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos, who are... no, wait, it's gone. We'll just Google their names again. Hang on. Oh, one's an American footballer and the other's the Iron Chef guy. Anyway, the footballer and the Iron Chef guy - whose names we have already forgotten - were kicked off Dancing With The Stars last night. That's basically the gist, more or less.
We’re looking at two releases here at Hecklerspray this week; the new Jack Black/Michael Cera Neanderthal comedy Year One and a Blu-ray release of the much maligned lizard dump Godzilla.
Aside from depressing the world silly, there's nothing that Jon and Kate Gosselin like more than a good old competition. Remember when Jon and Kate split up? They had a competition to see who was the biggest underdog. And then that somehow gave way to their competition to see who could come off as the most genuinely abhorrent. And now they're having a competition to see who can be more sorry for their behaviour. On Sunday Jon Gosselin told a Jewish Centre that he was sorry for everything, but Kate's not taking that sitting down - she's appeared on TV to tell the world that she's so sorry for every single thing she's ever done in her entire life that it sometimes makes her poo blood. Or something.
We don't know about you, but we wish that the events in Twilight and New Moon would happen in real life. We wish we knew a topless werewolf. We wish the world was really full of vampires. We really wish that Robert Pattinson would dissolve as soon as he comes in contact with sunlight. But, more than anything, we wish that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were a real couple. But, sadly, they're not. Robert Pattinson has told Vanity Fair as much. Which means that they are. Unless they've broken up. But they haven't. Probably. Unless they're not. Clear?
We like Colour My World because it has a title that makes it sound like a particularly bad mid-1990s R&B ballad. But that’s not the only reason. It’s also a strangely melancholy little online game, too. In Colour My World you play a little stick man in a monochrome world, slowly bringing it to life as he searches for his lost girlfriend. The sad piano music helps build a sense of mood here, as do all the little signs telling you how worthless you ...
Rihanna's ready to move on with her life and release that cheery ditty about shooting herself in the chest. But she can't. There's unfinished business left. Before people can accept her as a singer again, they want Rihanna to answer a few questions about Chris Brown. Sadly, though, those question aren't 'What's up with his teeth?' or 'Doesn't he realise that he looks like a dickhead in that bowtie?' - they're more about domestic violence. And Rihanna says it could happen to anyone. Well, anyone who ever goes near Chris Brown because he's such a monumental titstick, at least. We think that was her point.
