There are many things OJ Simpson is guilty of – being a bit of a douchebag, maybe, and having an unnatural obsession with his own faecal matter – but when it comes to armed robbery, OJ Simpson is absolutely not guilty.
That's according to OJ Simpson, at least – faced with a stack of felony charges that will see him spend the rest of his life in jail, OJ Simpson decided yesterday at a Las Vegas arraignment that he didn't actually have anything to do with any of it. OJ Simpson has pleaded not guilty to all 12 felony charges against him, on the basis that he only burst in on some unsuspecting sports memorabilia dealers with a gang of men in some sort of amateurish raid operation because they stole his shit and he only wanted his shit back. This argument means that the OJ Simpson trial – set for April – could set all manner of legal precedents for any other future angry shit-based misunderstandings that American citizens may wander into.
April 7 is a significant day for all sorts of reasons – it's the anniversary of the invention of the internet, the invention of LSD, the invention of the World Health Organisation and the French adoption of the metre as a basic measurement of length. Plus it's Jackie Chan's birthday.
But April 7 2008 will be one of the most momentous April 7s in all of history. Not just because all of the above will be combined when Jackie Chan drops acid one metre away from the World Health Organisation headquarters and puts a video of it on YouTube, but because that's when OJ Simpson will start his armed robbery trial.
Yesterday at an arraignment in Las Vegas, OJ Simpson was asked to enter a plea for all the massive list of felony charges that he earnt by apparently raiding a hotel room with gun-wielding men back in September. Those charges against OJ Simpson run through everything from armed robbery to assault to kidnapping and back again, and Simpson is likely to spend the rest of his life in jail if he's found guilty.
Which he won't, by the way, because OJ Simpson told the court that he's completely not guilty. Following the arraignment – where a trial date of April 7 was set – OJ Simpson's lawyer Yale Galanter told reporters:
"Mr. Simpson is glad that the arraignment is over with. He is glad that he doesn't have to come back to Vegas until April."
Not that the intervening time will be spent lazing around writing other hypothetical books about how he did all sorts of immoral and illegal things that he definitely didn't do, though – putting a solid defence together against what seems like an open and shut case is going to take a lot of graft.
Because, as OJ Simpson's preliminary hearing established, most of OJ's goon-gang have decided to testify against him in court in return for lighter sentencing. According to them, OJ Simpson wanted lots of guns for the raid, even though he denied their existence as soon as it was all over.
Not that all's completely lost for OJ Simpson, though – several of those testifying against him are either furtive pimps, known liars, criminals or oddballs with inexplicable ulterior motives like getting Jack Nicholson to star in the movie of their life. So that'll provide OJ Simpson's defence with at least something to attack.
But that's all for April. And until then, we're all just going to have to wait patiently for the blazing, televised, two-month OJ Simpson trial to begin. Oh, we can't bear going that long without hearing about anyone stealing anyone else's shit. April better come soon or we'll start stealing our own shit. And that's going to be even less pretty than it sounds.
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Pound Dollar Millionaire says
Stupid the notion of OJ being guilty of barging into someone’s hotel room……..with OTHER people carrying guns.
So if they showed up in golf pants and purple practice football jerseys, would he also be guilty of their fashion sense? I’d like to slap people sometimes.
Winnie Paynter says
I believe that O. J. Simpson is very much innocent.
He would never put his children in that stress or danger.
As for the other don’t know too much about it but he
is still innocent.