So it's official – OJ Simpson did ask his goons to bring guns to his alleged hotel room armed robbery in Las Vegas. And we know it's official because a man who might occasionally moonlight as a pimp said so.
Yesterday at the preliminary hearing to discover whether there's enough evidence to put OJ Simpson through a full criminal trial for his supposed role as the ringleader of an armed robbery, OJ's goon Walter Alexander testified that Simpson had asked him to "bring some heat" to the raid in case anything went wrong. However, come the full trial OJ Simpson is expected to counter-argue that he wasn't asking Alexander to bring a gun, rather to try and get his hands on an electric blanket or a patio heater or one of those gel-sack hand-warmer things with the metal clickers in them.
Because if there's one thing OJ Simpson hates, it's being slightly chilly. And people who steal his shit. But mainly chilliness, though.
They say that everyone's got a book inside of them, and that's something certainly true of OJ Simpson, although admittedly his book was all about how he'd like to stab his dead wife's own head off with a knife. But if everyone has a book inside of them, does everyone have a ideologically-confused armed robbery in them too? Again, OJ Simpson is living proof that they probably do.
Although so little has been proved that OJ Simpson has had to go to court just to see if enough there's enough evidence of an armed robbery to send him to proper court, all the accounts of his September raid on a pair of sports memorabilia dealers seem to point out that there's probably evidence aplenty, no thanks to his disloyal hired goons.
After several of OJ Simpson's alleged robbery henchmen decided to testify against OJ in return for more lenient sentencing, it looked like OJ Simpson should have listened to the old adage about never working with children or animals or hiring a squadron of armed robbers at a wedding reception. But that was before the goons even got to talk – now they have, things just won't stop stacking up heavily against OJ.
On Friday Charles Cashmore told the court that OJ Simpson kept repeating that he didn't see any guns right after the raid, implying that he was using 'reverse psychology' to try and trick the rest of the posse. And yesterday another one of OJ's goons, Walter Alexander, took to the stand to describe how OJ Simpson asked him to bring a gun to the raid:
"After he asked me if we could watch his back then he kind of leaned forward and he was like 'Hey, you think you can get some heat? Get some heat just in case things go wrong, just in case they may have heat. Can you bring some heat?'"
Of course, we no nothing about Walter Alexander so there's a chance he might have been prepared to testify that OJ Simpson wanted him to bring an armoured unicorn to the raid if it meant that he could shave a couple of years off his prison sentence. Plus, as OJ Simpson's lawyer pointed out in court yesterday, there's a strong chance that Walter Alexander may have been a pimp at one point. And if there's one sector of society you can't trust, it's the pimping sector.
And also, let's not forget that "bring some heat" is a deeply vague statement to make. For all we know, OJ Simpson just wanted Alexander to bring a copy of a weekly British celebrity magazine to the raid in case the raidees had a similar copy which would allow them to recite the ten most shocking examples of celebrity cellulite, something that would terminally compromise the sting operation.
Yes, we're certain that's what OJ Simpson meant.
Lynn Ellen Mendes says
I know I used to take classified advertising for guns for sale but my knowledge of guns increased two-fold when I saw the LAPD’s list of guns they use and my eyes lit on the Smith & Wesson 5903 which led to the discovery of the Springfield 1903 no longer in service but used during World War I and World War II. The Virginia Tech Cadets use this as their rifle and so does the US Naval Cadets. Brrrr… someone IM’d me the other day with a picture of an assault rifle and ID in the photo. Made me think of a computer book I mentioned to the FBI. Mike Meyers Passport Security + Comp TIA edition. I told them this may have something to do with the disappearance of the 10 mo. old infant in Kansas City, MO.