Hands up who thought OJ Simpson just got arrested for armed robbery. You're wrong – in fact, OJ Simpson is now in trouble for kidnapping, robbery, burglary, coercion and assault; and all with a deadly weapon too, the scamp.
Following an incident that was either a polite conversation about returning his rightful property or a terrifying armed robbery – depending on if you're OJ Simpson or not – OJ Simpson has now seen the number of charges he faces leap from six to ten. It's a blow for OJ Simpson, and it's thought that the only thing keeping him going is the prospect of writing a series of books after it's all over, including If I Conspired To Commit Kidnapping, Here's How It Happened and If I Kidnapped Someone With A Deadly Weapon, Here's How It Happened and If I Did Some Coercion With A Deadly Weapon, Here's How It Happened and If I Assaulted Some Dude With A Deadly Weapon, Here's How It Happened and If Hecklerspray Ran A Joke Into The Ground, Here's How… oh wait.
After being the centre of a murder trial that lasted nine months, cost $20 million to fight and defend and created 50,000 pages of courtroom transcripts, you'd probably imagine that OJ Simpson knew a thing or two about the law. Odd, then, that OJ Simpson seemed to think that allegedly bursting into a hotel room with a gang of gun-waving men and shouting "You think you can steal my shit?" at a couple of terrified men like some sort of compulsive shit-hoarder is a perfectly legal thing to do.
Obviously it isn't, as OJ Simpson discovered for himself when he was arrested for armed robbery on Friday, the day that OJ Simpson really should have spent locked in his house to avoid any attention that his just-published murder book would bring. Since the investigation is still ongoing – arrests are still being made and the sports memorabilia items that OJ Simpson claims are rightfully his are still being recovered by police – exact details of what happened during the alleged robbery are still thin on the ground. Some say that OJ Simpson met the other men who helped him rob the hotel room at a wedding party, others say that the sports memorabilia collectors that OJ Simpson robbed want OJ set free and the owner of an auction house arrested instead, but what is clear is that OJ Simpson is up to his tits in charges, as The Washington Post reports:
Simpson is charged with conspiracy to commit kidnapping, conspiracy to commit robbery, burglary with a deadly weapon, coercion with a deadly weapon, and two counts each of robbery with a deadly weapon, kidnapping with a deadly weapon and assault with a deadly weapon. He is also charged with conspiracy to commit a crime, a misdemeanour. The former football star and legendary murder defendant has been in jail without bail in Las Vegas since Sunday.
Since each robbery charge alone could see OJ Simpson going to jail for 30 years apiece, the whole ten charges add up to some serious legal worries for Simpson, and now he has to face the prospect of Fred Goldman taking all the memorabilia too. Short of some bastard re-releasing OJ's 1993 movie CIA Code Name: Alexa to DVD it's hard to imagine how things could get any worse for OJ Simpson at the moment. Not only does OJ Simpson need to face up to the possibility that he'll spend the rest of his natural life in jail, but he can't even take satisfaction from knowing that he's the celebrity with the most criminal charges against him at the moment. If only OJ Simpson was accused of being a prolific teen-rapist instead of a boring old armed robber, at least he'd be able to take something from this whole mess.
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