The wait for the publication of OJ Simpson's hypothetical murder book If I Did It, Here's How It Happened has been so long coming that many of us have actually gone out and committed murders ourselves, just to know what it's like.
But fortunately the wait is over – after global outrage, job losses and mind-bendingly complex legal struggles, If I Did It, Here's How It Happened by OJ Simpson is finally ready to be published. Now that the family of murdered Ron Goldman have control of OJ Simpson's book – and royalties from its sale – a deal has been struck to bring If I Did It, Here's How It Happened to bookstores. Although the publishing house and release date of OJ Simpson's book have yet to be announced, a press conference will be held later today where extensive details will be revealed, followed immediately by a press conference by OJ Simpson promoting his new book A Knife. I'd Have Done It With A Knife. Now Don't Buy That Other Book.
Remember when If I Did It, Here's How It Happened by OJ Simpson was announced, and everyone's biggest worry was what compelled a man who'd been found innocent of – yet financially liable for – the murders of his ex-wife Nicole Simpson-Brown and her friend Ron Goldman to write a book that, to all intents and purposes, acted as a sort of money-making confession? Seems so long ago, doesn't it.
Nevertheless, the ensuing outrage about OJ Simpson's murder book was so huge that all copies were pulped and the book's publisher was sacked – but that was just the start. Once the family of Ron Goldman – owed $38 million by OJ Simpson – got wind of the book, they sued everyone and got OJ Simpson's payment frozen and angled to get control of the book to make money out of it themselves, even though they'd be getting rich off a book about how their son was brutally murdered by the bloke out of the Naked Gun movies. And two weeks ago the Goldman family finally got control of If I Did It, Here's How It Happened, with a judge awarding them 90% of the proceeds from the sale of the book. Of course, the Goldman family are respectable people, so they did the decent thing and locked the If I Did It, Here's How It Happened manuscript in a safe, preserving the memory of their son forever.
Only kidding – the book goes on sale soon. E! Online reports:
A literary agent working on behalf of Ron Goldman's family said Monday that she has found a publisher for O.J. Simpson's once scuttled hypothetical memoir, If I Did It, which contains passages describing how the ex-NFL star would have gone about killing Goldman and his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson, if he had been the one to commit the double murder. The name of the New York publishing house that has taken on the theoretically unenviable project, as well as other details, will be announced Tuesday… "The family and publisher have pledged to leave Simpson's manuscript entirely intact, but they will also add key commentary," [spokesman Michael] Wright said in a statement.
Ah, the old 'key commentary' trick. Needless to say, the bulk of the key commentary will appear on the cover of If I Did It, Here's How It Happened, where the words "He bloody well did do it, you know" will be written underneath the book's title in red wax crayon and a cartoon penis will be drawn on OJ Simpson's head. The Goldman family are also expected to announce that all proceeds from the sale of OJ Simpson's If I Did It, Here's How It Happened will go to the Ron Goldman Foundation for Justice, a charity thought to originally called the Ron Goldman Foundation for Justice and Jetskis and Bikini Models but later shortened down for greater impact.
Still, though, the fact remains that we can't see how If I Did It, Here's How It Happened has a market anywhere. TMZ already leaked the manuscript to die-hard fans and Newsweek already leaked the murder chapter to whoever reads Newsweek, so everyone already knows that if OJ Simpson did it, it happened with knives. Maybe, just to ensure that they make more money from sales of the book about how their son was killed, the Goldmans could punch it up a little by inventing a new chapter where OJ Simpson makes suits out of Ron Goldman's skin and puts the sphincter around his neck like a dirty choker while firebombing a nunnery and stabbing a kitten. Because, hey, money's money right?