Noel Gallagher from Oasis is currently under police protection after a crazed fan burst in on the band during recording sessions at – wait a minute, Oasis still have fans?
Weird. Anyway, where were we? Oh yes – as Oasis were recording their new album at Abbey Road studios, a crazed stalker type apparently tried burst in on them, spooking them so much that they've hired a team of policemen to guard the studio for the time being. Not much is known about the identity of Oasis' new stalker, although he reportedly accused Noel Gallagher of ripping off all his music and lyrics for the new Oasis album during the encounter.
With that in mind, police are seeking to question Paul McCartney, John Lennon, any of Slade or a time-travelling version of Noel Gallagher from 13 years ago.
Oasis are the sort of band with fans who all think they're a bit crazed, when really they're just Ben Sherman-wearing Wetherspoon-dwelling meatheads with haircuts like Miles from This Life who start to cry like confused monkeys if they hear a song with more than three chords in it. Fans who say the word "proper" when they mean the word "large."
But, although you're technically able to classify anyone who awaits the new Oasis album with anything other than a shrug and a sinking heart as 'crazed', it takes something special to become a genuine, 100% scary, crazed Oasis stalker. Something as special as, say, claiming that you've written the new Oasis album yourself and Noel Gallagher has somehow stolen your thoughts and used them for his own good.
Funnily enough, that's what appears to have happened to Oasis, thanks to a young Greek man who wanted to confront Noel Gallagher about this alleged song-theft at Abbey Road studios last week, where Oasis are recording their new album. The world's most alarming cockney told The Sun:
"The guy showed up in a proper rage. He meant business and was clearly off his rocker. He claimed that he had written all this material that Noel had nicked off him for the new album. The fella was fuming and was threatening to beat Noel up over it all. He was cursing at staff and being really threatening so the cops were called in. He tried to force his way into the studio but couldn’t get through. He heard the police were coming and turned on his heels. By the time the bobbies got down there he had gone."
Noel Gallagher will have to be careful now he's got a stalker – because nobody really knows what type of stalker he is yet. He could be a Sandra Bullock-type stalker who'll try to run him over, or a John Cusack-style stalker who'll make all kinds of claims about how much he loves Noel Gallagher. Just so long as he isn't a Colin Farrell-style stalker – we never want to hear a song called I Fucked Noel Gallagher In His Ass on MySpace or anywhere else.
But, once again, we need to make it clear that Noel Gallagher needs to keeps his wits about him at all times now, because let's not forget that this stalker thinks that he's written Noel Gallagher's lyrics. And if a man can rhyme 'magic pie' with 'passer by' then there's no telling what other atrocities he's capable of.
Read more:
Johan says
I know that the retard “Stuart Heritage” wrote this crappy article 3 years ago. But I sorta stumbled upon it today, going through old Oasis articles on the web.
Anyways, this is the worst fucking article I’ve ever read! I’m not even kidding. Who is this guy? Hahaha.
He should concentrate on other things in life. Because this is not his thing, he fucking suck at this.
niebell says
This is sucks. Why the hell do you think Oasis got no fans? Stupid idiot motherfucker, they’re one of the best bands. They’re good band at least not a guy who write stupid article like this one. Get a life, grow up, dude
John says
This bloke appears to be a bit biased, I don’t think we’ll ever be seeing him on the BBC, he’s a typical hack, tabloid nob head, still he managed to get the info across albeit very infant like.
Oasis are a great band, looking forward to Noels solo stuff and Beady eyes new album.
Rock on.