He might be a sex addict, but remember that David Duchovny has feelings – well, not on his penis, we’re presuming that he wore all the nerve ending off that years ago.
But, anyway, David Duchovny has feelings, and those feelings are easily hurt. For example, why do you think that David Duchovny hasn’t directed a movie since 2004’s House Of D? Because that movie was so hamfisted and borderline offensive that nobody dares let him behind a camera again? No, it’s because the critical reaction hurt his feelings. Probably.
Something else that hurts David Duchovny’s feelings is when people say he’s been having sex with people he hasn’t been having sex with. So when The Daily Mail claimed that David Duchovny had a full-blown sexual affair with his tennis coach, his feelings were hurt immeasurably. You couldn’t put a price on how hurt David Duchovny was. But if you had to, it’d be $1 million. And David wants that money now. Now. No, really. Now.
When it comes to David Duchovny, there are certain things that you can and can’t say about him. For instance, you can say that X-Files: I Want To Believe was such a disappointment that you’d be happy if he never worked again, or that his TV show Californication is so bad, largely because of his own doughy face, that just thinking of the word ‘Californication’ makes you want to pull your jaw out and smash it into your eyes now.
You can even say that – as a self-confessed sex addict – it seems as though David Duchovny is just a big greedy child who lacks the basic self-control to respect his wife, whether it’s by having sex with other women or just hammering his sweaty little mushroom into a stump in front of the internet until his lap ends up looking like like a large and unusually hairy glazed Krispy Kreme doughnut. We’re pretty sure you can say that.
But what you can’t say is that David Duchovny had an affair with his tennis coach Edit Pakay. The Daily Mail said that earlier this week, and now David Duchovny’s suing it for a million dollars. Fox News reports:
Duchovny filed a lawsuit in the Los Angeles Superior Court on Wednesday for defamation and invasion of privacy against The Daily Mail, seeking no less than $1 million in damages. On October 18 the well-known tabloid claimed that the “Californication” star was having a “full-blown sexual affair” with his tennis teacher Edit Pakey and that he had planned to leave his wife of 11 years to be with her.
Because David Duchovny apparently wasn’t having an affair with his tennis coach – who incidentally, it’s claimed, wasn’t even his tennis coach – the report caused him ‘substantial harm’. A million dollars’ worth of harm, in fact.
For what it’s worth, we haven’t had sex with any tennis instructors recently either, so if there are any newspapers that would like to pay us a million dollars for that as well, we’d appreciate that. Just so everyone knows.
Curseonyou says
Man, that is not even funny. It´s ridiculous.
By the way, I loved The -x-files IWTB and I love Californication. Have you seen The TV SET, one of the best film ever? NO? i am sure you haven´t. It´s too inteligent and smart to you.
So, get yourself f….
gir says
YEAH, Stuart, your NOT inteligent or smart enuff to SIT THERE ON THE COUCH and watch a MOVIE. PROBLABY it takes brains YOU DONT HAVE to control your Huntington’s CHOREA for LONG ENOUGH to sit still. LOSER
Anony says
Yeah dude, get yourself f! It’s too inteligent and smart to you!
Loist B says
You are a class 1 idiot Stuart. I guess this was supposed to be funny? Well dear sir you missed the mark. What’s your problem you jealous of Duchovny?
gir says
i was gonna write this big funnything about the various classes of idiots, probably relating them to classes of safety in UL standards, but then i realized no one would get it and they would just continue to post semiliterate shit about how stuart is jealous and ugly and fat and whatever else.
Congratulations, hecklerspray readership; after The Holocaust and its various controversies, after goatse and tubgirl and 2 girls and 1 cup, after 9/11 and genocide and every horrible thing ever…YOU have made me lose my faith in humanity. Pretty awesome, right?
Whatever says
Melodrama much gir?
Sarah says
i want my juice and cookies now.
gir says
Everything I post is completely serious.