David Duchovny’s two big loves are tennis and squalid joyless sex with women who may as well just be watermelons with holes in them. Allegedly.
And, since David Duchovny is such a busy man, he’d leap at the chance to consolidate those two loves into one manageable love by having it off with his tennis instructor a lot, wouldn’t he? Well, apparently not – David Duchovny’s lawyer has denied reports that Duchovny had an affair with Edit Pakay, his tennis instructor.
True, David Duchovny still loves tennis and sex – but since his sex addiction treatment, the thought of meaningless sex with an athletic young woman fills him with repulsion. Now the only way that David Duchovny could combine tennis and sex is by hiring local street whores and challenging them to five-set matches, and that’s just impractical – we know from experience that those whores charge double for backhand lobs.
Tennis is sexy, isn’t it? All those short skirts, tight tops and orgasmic screams are a definite turn-on. In fact, tennis is so sexy to us that the only way we can perform these days is if there’s an elderly man in an excessively tall chair next to us loudly scoring our intercourse point by point. And a crowd of lonely housewifes occasionally shouting half-hearted encouragement at us. And we have to stop every time it rains. And a child has to run around collecting our stray balls.
But that’s just us. David Duchovny is not like that at all. Even though he used to be a sex addict, and would therefore hump a cactus if it was showing enough bra strap, David Duchovny has never linked sex and tennis. Especially now that he’s been cured of the sex addiction – now we assume that he’d rather launch a frenzied attack on his own genitals with a kitchen knife than actually let a semi-aroused thought cross his mind.
And that’s why David Duchovny has taken the unprecedented step of making his lawyer release a statement denying the current rumours that David Duchovny had a six-month affair with his tennis instructor Edit Pakay. People reports:
“The stories about an alleged affair between David Duchovny and his tennis instructor, Edit Pakay, are completely false. Ms. Pakay denied the rumors to me in person last Friday, saying they are just friends, and in addition, said in writing that such stories are ‘lies and deceit.”
We have no reason to assume that David Duchovny ever had an affair with his tennis instructor. Because, if we were David Duchovny’s tennis instructor, the last thing we’d do is let him shove his blistered, red-raw sweaty little acorn anywhere near our insides. That manky little man-flute could have been anywhere. Ugh.
So David Duchovny didn’t have an affair with his tennis instructor. That’s a shame – since David Duchovny and Tea Leoni have now split up, we’re sure it’d be nice for David to find some non-sexual companionship with a female sports instructor somewhere.
Maybe David Duchovny should take up curling. Seriously, we hear those people are slags.
TCN says
Slags? What’s with the cheap shot? Pointless.
Ron says
How about if Dave and his wife, agree to be friends, but boink other people? Wouldn’t that make for a happier marriage? I mean let’s get real here… this addict stuff is a crock and most of us know it.
The couple has reached the point in their relationship where they’re together for the kids and for someone with whom they could share domestic responsibilities like paying the utilities and splitting a mansion or two.
I think once they do that then all this stuff will come to pass and they’ll be a happily married but platonic couple.
Loist B says
After reading your shit I feel as though i have to take a shower. And you make fun of Duchovny….get a life you prick
Tape-Worm Infestation says
Edit, is that her name?
That’s worse than Tea.
Let me be the second to say fuck this modern world. What the fuck is wrong with a normal name? AS it is
I’m changing my name to “Mocha-Frappe Latte”, you can call me “Mocha-Frappe Latte” for short.
gir says
Hi, I’m J Bollocks.
You may remember me from such ill-advised meltdowns as the Great Haiku Vaginal Bleed of Who Gives A Shit.
Now, syllable-related whining doesn’t take up nearly as much of my time as it should, so I have plenty of opportunity to do a bit of research before shooting my mouth off. But does that mean I’m going to take it? Not hardly!
You see, no matter what country or culture a person hails from, I will criticize that person’s name based on my own irrational post-British Empire prejudices that I probably inherited from my parents, if I knew them.
Digression aside, the positive effect of changing my name to “Mocha-Frappe Latte” is that there’s an excellent chance that I’ll end up in a blender. And frankly, that is something everyone can enjoy.
Stabby McGee says
I guess they don’t have Tape-Worm Infestations in, y’know, other countries… eh? Muppet.
Mocha-Frappe Latte says
Hi Gir,
Sorry to get you all uptight (again), but we have this funny thing called “numeracy” in Australia. It involves quaint notions of integers and such-like.
The rest of the world, but mainly La-la land (as I think it’s known) doesn’t care that much.
And that’s where you’ll find Tea, Edit and Free-Trade Coffee (aka FTC).
Have a nice day!
Mocha-Frappe Latte says
Oops, forgot to update my name. Seeing how fucking ridiculous names are all the rage, I’m changing my name to “Frothy-Mouthed Commenter”, or “Froth” for short.
gir says
what the hell are you even talking about
Stabby McGee says
It’s safe to assume that JBollocks changed his name as he’d become somewhat of a syllable of ridicule around these parts.