Actor Nick Nolte yesterday managed to escape a house fire which swept through his Malibu mansion causing $3 million in damage.
According to reports, Nick Nolte only clambered to safety from the blaze – said to be caused by an electrical fault – by smashing through a window to safety, after which he was treated for minor injuries and smoke inhalation.
Although the material cost of the house fire is immense, we should all be thankful that Nick Nolte managed to evade the inferno without any serious injuries, because this way we get to accompany the story with a picture of Nick Nolte’s 2002 DUI arrest mugshot. Ha ha ha, look! He’s wearing a funny shirt! And his hair’s all like ‘woarrrgh’ too! Ha ha ha. What a big idiot.
Every cloud has a silver lining. That statement is as true now as it’s ever been. Take Nick Nolte, for instance. He’s just lost his home in a house fire that he was lucky not to die in, so things are probably looking quite grim for him at the moment.
But look on the bright side – because lots of good is bound to come out of his near-tragic house fire. It means that a) people can be reminded that Nick Nolte exists, b) it takes the public’s memory away from that horrible Hulk film where Nick Nolte turns into a ball of pulsating thought and flies through a thunderstorm, and c) it stops people using that awful 2002 Nick Nolte mugshot every time they mention him.
Well, alright, not the last one. Look at it! Nick Nolte looks rubbish. Ha ha ha. What a funny-looking arsehole.
Anyway, back to the house fire. It seems as if Nick Nolte was genuinely lucky to escape through a window without any serious harm, because it gutted his Malibu home, even in the face of professional firefighting equipment like Nick Nolte’s garden hose. Reuters reports:
The fire caused $3 million in damage to the structure and contents of the house but the home was not destroyed, Inspector James Barnes of the fire department said. The flames were confined to the living room. “Nick Nolte was there apparently with a water hose trying to extinguish the fire himself and of course we came to help him out,” Barnes said.
What is it with Malibu and house fires these days? First Flea’s house burns down and now Nick Nolte’s house does the same? We thought Malibu was supposed to be luxurious. Although officially these two blazes were caused by wildfires and electrical faults respectively, we know differently. We’ve narrowed down the cause of all these Malibu fires to the following:
1 – The friction caused by J-Lo‘s buttocks rubbing together during that triathlon she did.
2 – The kindling-style pile of tissues that Jennifer Aniston routinely uses to dry her own sad face with.
3 – The heat that builds up in Mel Gibson‘s brain every time he concentrates on how much he dislikes the Jews.
But whatever the reason, the main think is that Nick Nolte is healthy and safe. Ah, who are we kidding – the main thing is that we can use a funny picture of Nick Nolte looking like a sad novelty sock shaped like a vacationing corpse. Look at him! Ha ha ha.
SLAND3R SG says
Ok, yes, hahaha, but this incident combined with his performance in Tropic Thunder (brilliant, so very very sick and brilliant) are bound to pull Nicky out of obscurity…I mean, that mug shot allowed him to pay in shame for any bad karma he’s ever accumulated!
mst3kster says
…”shaped like a vacationing corpse…”
Got to hand it to you, Stuart. Your article was funnier than Nolte’s mugshot.