Jennifer Lopez could beat you in a fight, have no doubt of that – she’d trample your stupid face into the dirt and then shatter your ribs with her arse.
What makes us so sure of this? Because Jennifer Lopez has just taken part in a triathlon, that’s why. Jennifer Lopez has taken part in a triathlon and you’re slobbing around on the internet completely oblivious to the fact that your body’s slowly congealing into a giant dollop of jellied pork pie filling. And that’s a scientific fact.
What’s even more impressive is that Jennifer Lopez ran her triathlon yesterday despite only giving birth to twins six months ago. Not only does that show supreme dedication to fitness training on Jennifer Lopez’s part, but there’s also a nice little kickback for the twins, too – now, rather than breast milk, Jennifer Lopez lactates a mixture of sweat, Gatorade and an unusually concentrated dose of Epinephrine. Delicious!
Like many people, our one dream in life is to witness a triathlon completed by at least two members of the principle cast of 2001 romantic comedy The Wedding Planner. So imagine how infuriated we were yesterday when we realised that we were missing that exact thing. Infuriated enough to draw an angry face in our own poo on the wall of a public toilet, that’s how infuriated.
That’s because yesterday saw the Nautica Malibu Triathlon take place in, um, Malibu. And given that Malibu is where all the famous people live, it was only natural to see both Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Lopez take part in it.
We’re going to basically ignore Matthew McConaughey – because, hey, why break the habit of a lifetime – and concentrate on Jennifer Lopez. Although fit enough to take part in a triathlon, thanks to her extensive training as a dancer and the way she’s deftly evaded Heather Mills and her vivisection roadshow for all these years, we shouldn’t forget that Jennifer Lopez has only just given birth to twins.
Talk about battling the odds. By rights Jennifer Lopez shouldn’t have come anywhere near completing the triathlon, given the physical and mental toll of childbirth alongside the fact that she has precisely the wrong body-shape for triathlons, thanks to her arse being so big that it a) drags along the ground during the running part, b) makes swimming feel like you’re dragging 17 tons of polystyrene behind you in a net tied to your colon and c) keeps getting snarled up in your back spokes.
But despite all this, Jennifer Lopez managed to finish the Nautica Malibu Triathlon in what we’re told is the fairly respectable time of just under two and a half hours. People reports:
The singer-actress was cheered on from the sidelines by husband Marc Anthony, who escorted her to a VIP area with his arm securely around her after she crossed the finish line, exhausted, but with her fists pumped in victory.
So congratulations to Jennifer Lopez, and double congratulations to her newborn twins. Now, when they’re old enough to go to school, they’ll be able to able to look their classmates in the eye and say that not only is their mother a world-famous singer and actress but also in the absolute peak of her physical condition.
And we’re sure that’s bound to make up for the fact that for the first six months of their lives Jennifer Lopez was probably too busy running around in circles and twatting around on a pushbike to notice they even existed, and that nursing on her teat must have been like trying to suck water out of a mound of powdered ash because of it. We expect.
bill says
Bring it on Jello (sorry J Lo, was confused when I looked at a picture of her)I will give you the swim as a head start and will still beat her ass to the finish unless of course she runs backwards then her ass will cross way before I could
Maxime says
U ROCK BORRICUA.
MAXIME says
I’ve to say that one of my favorite album is called on the “6”. Metro line number that goes from the
BX to Manhattan.
Maxime
Julian Mentat says
Well of course she’s harder than me. She’s from the block, remember? The BLOCK!